Members Elle N Posted June 22, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 22, 2018 Hi I never thought I would find myself on something like this but here I am trying to find answers to something I’ll never know. my Fiancé died nearly two weeks ago now. He took his own life by hanging himself. He had suffered from bad anxiety for quite a while but was always reluctant to go the the docs for help. We battled throu it together for the last year as I too suffer with it. Our relationship was always 80% laughs and fun there was only that small part that affected us. We were due to get married in 3 months time. The last week before he took his life he had been away and heavy drinking (which always made his anxiety worse) when he got home the next few days were terrible for him we even ended up at A&E because he was convinced he was going to die. I was due to go away that weekend but wasn’t keen on leaving him as he had, had no sleep and was very edgy. He insisted on me going and insisted he just needed some sleep and would go to his mums for the weekend. Anyway he went missing while I was away and I got an early flight back soon as I was informed by his Mum. I was convinced he’d just gone away to clear his head etc. Then two days later police found him and now I’m here. i feel overwhelming guilt that I left him when I knew I should of been with him. However since then I’ve had to go throu his phone for various reasons for things to do with our house etc. I have come across a few emails in his drafts to a girl he once cheated on me with back when we were teenagers (we’d known each other for 18 years) they were dated at a time after we got engaged and just say ‘tx me’ I’ve since found he had a secret Facebook that he doesn’t seem to have ever used for anything with no photo etc but again in his recent searches this girls name comes up at the top. I now feel so angry and thinking everything I thought we had was a lie. Was he hampering after her all this time? He had previous history for cheating on me in the past but we had worked it out 6 years before all this and then bought our house together. I had been so happy and had always gotten the impression he was too, and I think he was apart from his anxiety but now I have this horrible overwhelming feeling which is tainting my memory of our relationship because of these couple of random emails. I’ve not found anything else and the girl in question is married with a baby, her husband is an aquanaut of his. I don’t even think I would want to know if something else had happened at some point. I’m just really struggling with it and want to remember him the way I knew him not this other side that he had to him. Has anyone else lost anyone and then found out things about them afterwards which they wish they hadn’t? sorty for such a long thread I don’t feel I can talk to anyone about this as everyone loves him and I don’t want people to think anything else of him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jane2 Posted June 22, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 22, 2018 Hi, I also lost my fiancé. He died about 2.5 months ago. First, I'm terribly sorry for all the pain you are feeling and all that you are going through. I cant relate in the sense of learning about other women, but I did learn something very painful after my fiancé died. It is taking me a long time to type this out because it is still so difficult to say and accept. My fiancé drown. He went out surfing with some friends and they all were heading back to shore and were practically there when they looked back to notice him not following. They say he was slumped over on his board, by the time they got to him he had gone over as the waves had knocked him around. I had so many questions... he was super athletic, he surfed regularly, he was so young... how could he of all people... a very competent swimmer.... drown? Well the truth of it all is that he started using drugs again. It turns out he was high out there that day. He wasn't in a good frame of mind to handle rough water and I guess couldn't hold on to his board any longer. I wasn't there. I don't know if all the details are accurate or how it all went down really. I can only piece together the stories of others because I was sleeping. I didn't wake up with him that morning because I was tired from work and I slept in. Had I been there watching from the beach maybe this all could be avoided. The secret I am having to live with is that he started using again and how didn't I know. I don't know how long he relapsed for or how he hid it from me. In his belongings I have found things and it crushes me thinking about it all. I have so many questions and I won't get the answers. I worry about protecting his memory as well. People think so differently about those who struggle with drugs and I don't want them to see him as an addict first and a human second. The man I loved had his personal struggles and I loved him good and bad. I just wish now that he would have shared the depth of what must have been occurring at the end. I apologize for writing such an essay in response. I hope that in time you can hold onto the good. I feel as though we have suffered so much. The information we have learned makes us angry, but it doesn't diminish my grief or the depth of my love. In the end, our loves were human, as are we. All flawed creatures who make mistakes. My anger about it all comes in waves and I will allow myself to feel what I feel, but no matter what I loved him and always will. I don't want to let anything else come between that now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 22, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted June 22, 2018 8 hours ago, Elle N said: Has anyone else lost anyone and then found out things about them afterwards which they wish they hadn’t? I am so sorry for your loss. Try to remember him as you knew him. Anxiety is a hard thing to deal with and can feel overwhelming. I've struggled with it all my life, I try to remind myself that things always look worse in the night, I don't know why, and sure enough, in the morning, I have a better perspective. Everyone's anxiety is different, I've suffered anxiety attacks and had the daytime haunts but now it seems to have settled to the middle of the night. I do best if I can get to sleep early and get enough sleep before the wee hours because then I wake up and I'm up for the duration. He undoubtedly cared about you and didn't want to ruin your life or cause you worry. My husband died of a heart attack..it was the once a year I went away to my Sisters' Reunion and he told the doctor not to call me, he "didn't want to ruin my weekend". ??!! When I finally found out, there was no weekend, there was only me wanting to be with him...only I had to wait two days before my sister would take me to the hospital. Then he died. I will always regret I wasn't there that whole weekend. (She has a gambling addiction, that comes before anything to her, that's hard for me to grapple with.) You ask if anyone learned things afterwards. Yes. About a year after my husband died, his former girlfriend called, she didn't know he was dead (evidently they couldn't be in touch that much or she'd have noticed his absence sooner) but I did learn that he'd been to see and talk to her after we got married and kept it from me. I know she didn't make it up, she knew the truck we had and she doesn't live near my town. She told me he talked about me and loved me more than anything in the world...he'd gone to see her because they'd had a ten year history together and considered her a friend and he was going through high anxiety and didn't want to worry me, it was shortly after we got married. I believe her and think it was that and nothing more. But at the time I learned about it I was furious! I wanted him to come back so I could I don't know kill him with my bare hands, yell at him? But he was dead. I could get an explanation from him, an apology, I couldn't beat on his chest, I couldn't have him hold me, instead of was left dealing with this alone. And it sucked. We had the greatest love of all time. We were soulmates, we belonged together, the way we looked at each other, understood each other, had faith in each other, trusted each other. So why would he turn to someone else when he had me? I don't know. Human beings are complex and multifaceted. I just know that his friendship with her had no bearing on our love or relationship, it didn't lessen it, it wasn't a betrayal, it was simply his reaching out to an old friend in a time of need. And as much as I don't like that, it is what it is. I know he'd never have wanted to hurt me. Now about the suicide part you're dealing with, this morning I read this from another site (found here: http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/10849-to-my-children-with-immense-love/?tab=comments#comment-140503) On 6/21/2018 at 12:18 AM, Widowedbysuicide said: Dearest Allen, As I have first hand knowledge of being left alone because of suicide I can tell you that I believe the love your Dad felt for you on any given day in your life was not diminished near his final hours. His death was not anything to do with you. He was sick and it was his mental illness. It is hard to accept that this could be true, but that is what the stigma of suicide does. It makes us dissect everything we thought about that person and ourselves. A person who is suffering with depression can get to a point where they do not think rationally. I think once people see suicide and mental health as a possible fatal disease like cancer and death things will be better. That won't happen for me and probably not so much for my 31 yr old son but I think that it can happen in your children's lifetime. Sending you and your beautiful Katie sisterly hugs ❤️. I hope my words have a positive effect as that is all I want for you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Elle N Posted July 30, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted July 30, 2018 On 6/22/2018 at 2:59 PM, Jane2 said: Hi, I also lost my fiancé. He died about 2.5 months ago. First, I'm terribly sorry for all the pain you are feeling and all that you are going through. I cant relate in the sense of learning about other women, but I did learn something very painful after my fiancé died. It is taking me a long time to type this out because it is still so difficult to say and accept. My fiancé drown. He went out surfing with some friends and they all were heading back to shore and were practically there when they looked back to notice him not following. They say he was slumped over on his board, by the time they got to him he had gone over as the waves had knocked him around. I had so many questions... he was super athletic, he surfed regularly, he was so young... how could he of all people... a very competent swimmer.... drown? Well the truth of it all is that he started using drugs again. It turns out he was high out there that day. He wasn't in a good frame of mind to handle rough water and I guess couldn't hold on to his board any longer. I wasn't there. I don't know if all the details are accurate or how it all went down really. I can only piece together the stories of others because I was sleeping. I didn't wake up with him that morning because I was tired from work and I slept in. Had I been there watching from the beach maybe this all could be avoided. The secret I am having to live with is that he started using again and how didn't I know. I don't know how long he relapsed for or how he hid it from me. In his belongings I have found things and it crushes me thinking about it all. I have so many questions and I won't get the answers. I worry about protecting his memory as well. People think so differently about those who struggle with drugs and I don't want them to see him as an addict first and a human second. The man I loved had his personal struggles and I loved him good and bad. I just wish now that he would have shared the depth of what must have been occurring at the end. I apologize for writing such an essay in response. I hope that in time you can hold onto the good. I feel as though we have suffered so much. The information we have learned makes us angry, but it doesn't diminish my grief or the depth of my love. In the end, our loves were human, as are we. All flawed creatures who make mistakes. My anger about it all comes in waves and I will allow myself to feel what I feel, but no matter what I loved him and always will. I don't want to let anything else come between that now. Jane thank you so much for your response. I know what you mean, it’s the feeling that you thought you knew him so well and then finding something out that he kept from you just makes you question everything. I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope I’m time, same as me you’ll get some peace. You the same as me loved him for his good and bad traits, we don’t give up on people we love even thou sometimes we feel it would be easier. I have since posting this decided to try and focus on the positives of our relationship. After looking at recent search history on my partners phone and from my own conclusions too I’m pretty sure he had a complete mental breakdown the day before his death. This doesn’t explain the random draft messages I found from a few years ago but with regards to the Facebook account I just think only god knows what was going through his head at this time when he must have felt so alone. I was the last person he tx before he died with a simple ‘love you xx’ so I need to just remember him for the person he was in the last two years before all of this and not the other side of him that I struggled with for a few years (infidelity) I’m still struggling daily with him leaving me althou I take comfort in knowing his not in pain anymore. I feel this will be my life now for a very long time after a lot of reading and speaking to people in similar situations. I’m not sure I can bare that but I’m taking every each day one at a time. Take care of yourself xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Elle N Posted July 30, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted July 30, 2018 On 6/22/2018 at 5:49 PM, KayC said: I am so sorry for your loss. Try to remember him as you knew him. Anxiety is a hard thing to deal with and can feel overwhelming. I've struggled with it all my life, I try to remind myself that things always look worse in the night, I don't know why, and sure enough, in the morning, I have a better perspective. Everyone's anxiety is different, I've suffered anxiety attacks and had the daytime haunts but now it seems to have settled to the middle of the night. I do best if I can get to sleep early and get enough sleep before the wee hours because then I wake up and I'm up for the duration. He undoubtedly cared about you and didn't want to ruin your life or cause you worry. My husband died of a heart attack..it was the once a year I went away to my Sisters' Reunion and he told the doctor not to call me, he "didn't want to ruin my weekend". ??!! When I finally found out, there was no weekend, there was only me wanting to be with him...only I had to wait two days before my sister would take me to the hospital. Then he died. I will always regret I wasn't there that whole weekend. (She has a gambling addiction, that comes before anything to her, that's hard for me to grapple with.) You ask if anyone learned things afterwards. Yes. About a year after my husband died, his former girlfriend called, she didn't know he was dead (evidently they couldn't be in touch that much or she'd have noticed his absence sooner) but I did learn that he'd been to see and talk to her after we got married and kept it from me. I know she didn't make it up, she knew the truck we had and she doesn't live near my town. She told me he talked about me and loved me more than anything in the world...he'd gone to see her because they'd had a ten year history together and considered her a friend and he was going through high anxiety and didn't want to worry me, it was shortly after we got married. I believe her and think it was that and nothing more. But at the time I learned about it I was furious! I wanted him to come back so I could I don't know kill him with my bare hands, yell at him? But he was dead. I could get an explanation from him, an apology, I couldn't beat on his chest, I couldn't have him hold me, instead of was left dealing with this alone. And it sucked. We had the greatest love of all time. We were soulmates, we belonged together, the way we looked at each other, understood each other, had faith in each other, trusted each other. So why would he turn to someone else when he had me? I don't know. Human beings are complex and multifaceted. I just know that his friendship with her had no bearing on our love or relationship, it didn't lessen it, it wasn't a betrayal, it was simply his reaching out to an old friend in a time of need. And as much as I don't like that, it is what it is. I know he'd never have wanted to hurt me. Now about the suicide part you're dealing with, this morning I read this from another site (found here: http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/10849-to-my-children-with-immense-love/?tab=comments#comment-140503) Thank you so much for sharing this with me. Anxiety is an awful illness and I hate that it was part of our relationship but unfortunately that is how it was, we became each other’s rocks with it which is why I feel such guilt that I wasn’t here and why I am struggling so much now. I believe that my fiancé was my soul mate we had the same outlook on life, interests and just completely got each other in a way I don’t think I’ll ever find in another person. After 18 years of knowing him I’ve known him longer than I haven’t (I’m 31) and with that comes the bad bits. Nobody is perfect and I would never put my partner up on a peddle stool and say he was as we definitely had some very bad times in our 18 years, but I know that he loved me so much, he told me everyday and since he passed people have told me things he had said to them about our upcoming wedding and the way he felt about me which has given me huge comfort and helped to relieve some of this anger I was feeling towards him. I’ll never know if those drafts actually got sent or if anything more ever went on and I think I’m ok with that now. im now more focused on trying to live without him which I struggle with daily as I’m sure you do too without your husband. I feel like this won’t ever get better and althou I’ve had days that felt a little less painful it’s always there right before bed time when his not here to have a cuddle with or lay and chat too when we couldn’t sleep etc. I hope you find some peace the same I hope that I do too. Take care xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 30, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted July 30, 2018 8 hours ago, Elle N said: im now more focused on trying to live without him which I struggle with daily as I’m sure you do too without your husband. I feel like this won’t ever get better It will. It takes MUCH time to get there, it's all a process that needs to run it's course. It takes time for our daily habits to change, for us to get used to them not waking up beside us, not calling, not spending time together, but it does happen, believe it or not. Time does have a way of marching on. In the beginning I was surprised to see that the sun still rose and shined every day, I didn't see how it could without him in it. I have much peace in my life, but I do still miss him and love him and he's in my thoughts every day in these past 13+ years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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