Young, wild, and free

[Jane2]

Young, wild, and free... that's what we used to say all the time. We'd think about taking a holiday and exploring someplace and he'd say well, babe, we are young, wild, and free so let's do whatever it is we want. Just go out and live. 

This morning I was looking at some drawings in one of his many notebooks and in big font it said young, wild, and free and it has me really thinking about everything... our life, purpose, where to go from here.... everything 

see my love did live by this phrase. He was a free spirit who loved life more than anyone I've ever met. His adventurous and wild spirit was like a magnet to people. His nickname was Tarzan and when we started dating I was immediately nicknamed Jane by all his friends. He had this force about him that was so just intrinsically him. Now, I feel like all the happiness and joy in the world died with him. 

I may still be young, but I have no energy to be wild and explore the world or even get out of bed many days. I certainly no longer feel free because I feel jailed by the weight of my grief. I feel robbed of love and joy.

I am sorry that my thoughts may be difficult to follow... my brain is so scattered. I have so many thoughts and feelings. At times I feel like I will burst if I don't scream his name and tell the world about him. Other times I struggle to put together a sentence. 

I don't know what I want or what I need. I don't even know really why I'm typing this all out. I think I need to feel understood. I need my love to be seen.

I am 22 and the love of my life died on April 7th, he was only 24. He died suddenly and in these last several weeks I feel like a massive part of me has died. I spent 4 amazing years with him and forever it won't be enough. 

I want my love back. 

[Glolilly]

Yes, your love was really young. I am moved my your words describing your life with the love of your life. Since we all carry different personalities and energies with us, some more some less, it adds that to us when join together. So yes the part of his energy is gone plus grieving takes away our own energy as well. But being 6 months out from grief I can truly say that I have gained back 75-80% of my normal energy back. Emotions, crying, talking to tons of people, paperwork, not eating, etc, takes away energy. 

I have two sons close in age, 22 and 24 but they are Totally different in personalities, outgoing, talking, etc. So if one of them leaves and goes to Heaven, that energy that personality is gone physically even though his spirit/soul lives forever. No one, can replace that son's personality. So he added the young, wild and free drive to yall's relationship which no one can ever take away in precious memories. You don't have to hold yourself jailed or chained to the motto you and he both shared while he was alive. Just like some things my husband did is something I can carry on or let go if it is a burden to me. "To cherish and hold until death do we part." Not parting from love and memories but parting from natural restraints/restrictions/obligations or commitments. We can choose to or not choose to hold on to rituals or traditions from our past partner.  If it helps do it, if not let it slowly go over time. My husband went to certain restaurants, went to a certain smaller church, watched certain TV programs, ate certain foods, said certain phrases, but now that he's gone, I can choose to label myself as I choose , who I am. 

Yes, you are super young and very young to be going through this. But, hopefully you will get your energy soon and come out of this stronger, as I have. Take it slowly, with good rest and good support. God Bless you is my prayer.

[Jane2]

@Glolilly thank you very much for your kind response. My post was a little all over the place, but I appreciate that you took the time to read it and share your experience.

I don't feel chained or jailed by the motto, more to the pain now. My grief I feel holds me down at times, it literally takes my breath away. My love definitely had a wild and adventurous spirit and it drew me to him. We had a lot in common and immediately became this inseparable pair. The motto now just seems pointless to me... as it seems pointless to do anything without him. We had so many plans and adventures to have and now I feel like what's the point? At 22 has my life ended as well? I'm breathing, yes. But it is so painful. I feel as though I can't eat, sleep, think properly. I'm a shell of a woman. I wish I knew what I was supposed to do now. I don't know how to stand up under the weight of this pain and even begin. 

[KayC]

Jane,

I am so sorry, I felt my husband was young dying at barely 51...we didn't even meet until our 40s, to lose someone so young, that is just wrong.  

Young, wild, and free, that says a lot about his spirit.  I know we are forever affected by their death but I hope a part of you remains that counterpart to his young, wild, and free.  I know it doesn't seem possible now, and maybe it isn't, but still, that would be my hope for you.  Yes, it's painful.  When my husband died I didn't see how I could survive a week, but now here I am 13 years later.  I've learned to look for and embrace what I call the small joys in life...my big joy is gone of course.  But I live in today and hope not to miss any good that exists, sometimes I have to look hard for it, but I've learned that life is a treasure to be valued.  I think before my George died, I took like for granted, as we all do, thinking it would continue and we'd live well into our old age together.  Some get that, some don't, I don't know why, life isn't fair or evenly distributed, that's for sure.  But I try to take it as it comes...one day at a time, that's about all I can handle even still.

I hope you'll keep coming here, it really does help...this, the place where we all get it.