Lost

[CandiceP]

I lost my best friend and then some of 5 years due to pancreas issues on Valentines day. He died during surgery. We went back to middle school days. I am 37 he would have been 38 in may. We were together most weekends when we didnt have our kids. We played games with each other for 5 years. Well maybe not games but we were never ready to put a label on our relationship. Sometimes we dated other people but even then we were still best friends. He was in ICU for 36 days. 4 months before he passed we decided we were finally going to be serious about our relationship. I'm so thankful for those 4 months and there was nothing left unsaid but a goodbye. I cant explain the pain I feel. I have lost family and a few friends but this pain is completely different. I cry so much still. I can't shake it. I don't know who I am without him. He took my heart with him and I feel so cold and dead inside. He left behind a precious  5 year old boy that looks just like him. I don't know how to deal with this loss. Some friends and I begged him to go to the doctor when he was having some issues and feeling bad but he is the most stubborn man I know. And now that I look back. All his symptoms pointed to his diagnosis. I feel like we all should have pushed him harder to go get checked out. If he would have lived he would have been a diabetic and had to take enzymes and would have had to change his whole lifestyle. To be honest I don't know that he would have done it or been happy living that way. He was such a strong willed person and a fighter. He fought so hard. But I guess he was tired. My life has been affected so much from this loss. I cry myself to sleep. I put his pictures everywhere, my car. Work, my house then I get angry and take them down. I see mutual friends and I want to just run because seeing anyone that was associated with him or us hurts so bad. I'm so mad that he is gone. Its crazy because a month before he went into the hospital, a coworker of mine lost her best friend. I called him and told him I don't know what I would do if i lost him. His reply was awe babe, don't worry, you know I love you and I'm not going anywhere so calm down. And then a month later he is in ICU fighting for his life. I'm just so lost. I don't know how to find myself. 

[vernkathy]

CandiceP,

My heart aches for you. I lost my husband of almost 30 yrs at the end of December. My husband was very stubborn.  I had to push him all the time to go to the doctor. He never showed his pain that he was in. You need to know that what you are feeling is normal. I go over and over what I should have done or said and wished I hadn't said. I am slowly coming to the awareness that it was just his time. Nothing he or I could do. He told me when he got to the hospital that he was sorry that things turned out like this. I asked him what he meant. He said we had a good thing. I replied that we still do.  He was trying to tell me the end was near. I just couldn't face it. I felt if we acknowledged it he wouldn't fight to stay with me. I wish I had asked him if he was ready to go, and would he try to remember me when he was in heaven. I wished I would of told him I couldn't stand to go on with out him and gave him a chance to tell me what he wanted for me.  So all of these things you will obsessively go over and over for a while now. It's normal. Its exhausting and you think you just can't go on, but you can. Keep coming and reading every one's stories here. It will help. The one thing we all want and can't have is our life back our love back. We have to find a new normal. I am praying for you as you take this walk with the rest of us here.

[KayC]

@CandiceP  I am so sorry for your loss.  Did he have EPI (body can't utilize nutrition from food so it just passes through, requiring being given enzymes and special diet)?

It's the hardest thing in the world to lose our partner, it feels like we're lost when they're gone...mine has been gone 13 years now.  I didn't see how I could make it a week, but somehow I'm still here.  

There's a lot of young people going through this, so hard to understand, but I guess death knows no age, it can strike anyone.  Keep coming here, reading, posting, it really does help.  (((hugs)))