Suicide thoughts/substance abuse

[Fiza]

Tomorrow it'll be 8 weeks since my fiancé died...

Each day the pain gets worse. I break down crying remembering all our memories together. Even this morning, walking to work was a struggle because all I did was cry.

I don't know why but I've been turning to alcohol quite a lot recently and drinking more than I normally do. I stop thinking about the hurt when I drink maybe that's why I do it? but after ive drank,I feel even worse. I just want something to numb the pain. The emotions are so overwhelming. My life is filled with darkness and there is no way out. My happiness is gone. 

just 2 days ago I sat on bridge wanting to end it all. Just last night I sat taking pills. One day, maybe It'll tip me over the edge.... I'm already sat on the edge. 

Nobody understands! I hate this... I don't want to live a life of unhappiness and no, my life won't be the same ever agin

[LeannC45]

Fiza,

I just want to say I am sorry for the agony you are feeling. I also want to share that when my Dad died 8 years ago I turned to drinking wine to cope. At first it was a glass here, then two, then the whole bottle several nights a week. Alcohol is a depressant so of course you feel even more devastated the drunker you get. I rarely drink anymore but this time around losing my husband in January I wanted to grieve this in a healthy way. It feels like I am honoring him by feeling all the pain. I loved him for almost half my life so of course nothing in my life is the same. What I am trying to say is hang on with everything you've got. Don't think about getting through tomorrow or next week or the rest of your life. Only focus on getting through today.  Reach out for support because this is too big to handle on your own. I wish you strength on your journey to healing.

[NoID]

Hi Fiza,

I lost my partner to suicide 5 weeks ago literally, and everyday the pain seems to get worst (no matter how much i numb it, the pain is still there) I turned to alcohol too in the first 3 weeks of his death, I would drink up to 3 bottles a night, and sometimes even hurt myself just to numb the ache. I haven't touched alcohol in about two weeks, or hurt myself since, but some nights I just want to end it all to be with him, then I have to remind myself the pain it would put my family through if I did. Since my partner did this, the blame you put on yourself and the hurt you're left with is like nothing in the world, its a sting that stays and cuts through you. I also get scared of growing old without him, or if one day will I really see him again.. or will he remember me if I age. I probably am not the best at giving advice right now, since my own mind is chaotic in thoughts, but I just want you to know that I know what you're going through and I really do feel the pain you're in, it feels like you have a hole in your heart that can't be mended and only he can fix it. 

[KayC]

I want to caution anyone about drinking in grief, it's a depressant, not exactly the pick-me-up-we need, it sends us further into the spiral downward.  Do see a grief counselor that can help you with your first step towards getting through this in a way that can be helpful to you.  Please!  

It's also common to feel suicidal in early grief.  I lost a dear friend to suicide five months ago, you have no idea the devastation it brought to his family.  His grandson is in a children's psychiatric ward, they shared the same birthday, children feel everything is their fault.  His son and DIL split up for a while.  You see he lost his wife and then four grandchildren all within a short few years, he couldn't handle the grief.  But oh how I wish he hadn't!  His son found him, bullet through the head, blood everywhere, it's an image he'll never shake.  And we all miss him.  My heart breaks because he was such a dear man, I wish I could have taken some of his pain from him.

We all feel this way at times, I did early on in my grief journey.  Please try to fight that urge, get help.  I finally realized for myself it wasn't so much that I didn't want to live but I didn't want to go through what I knew I'd have to go through if I did live.  Instead I've learned how to do it.  It hasn't been quick, it certainly hasn't been easy, but I'm doing it, I know you guys can too.  13 years yesterday, hard for me to believe.  I've survived so much alone...surgery, loss of jobs, hard decisions, dealing with contractors (yes that's on my horrendous list), can no longer drive at night, had to retire, somehow, I'm doing it.  

SUICIDE HOTLINE: 1-800-273-TALK