My Soulmate Died, I am close to joining him (more inside)

[CarlsWifeEternally]

Hi. While not officially married to him, I was with my Fiance for 14 years.... he died on June 18th 2018... my 31st birthday... he was 41... He lived in the UK... I live in the USA... I cannot handle this.... sudden heart attack..... I need him.... I cry 24 hours a day... I need him... we talked 8-12 hours a day... every day.... every holiday.... I wanted to have his children.... I am yearning to join him.... just so this pain ends. Help me.... please.... has anyone else gone through this?

[Love88AJ]

Hey.... I am so sorry for your loss...... But please hold on..... I can relate with the part where you are yearning to join him.... But hold on ok?..... We are all here.... We hear you..... Its very very fresh I understand..... But keep visiting here..... Ok?..... It's going to take a lot of time..... It's terrible that it happened..... You could try and vent out by writing more?..... Cry it out as much as you want to..... There are these affirmations videos on YouTube.... It may feel very silly at first.... But atleast it feels like someone is listening.... What you are feeling is very human... A very very natural response..... Whenever I feel that way, I would remember that they would want us to live.... Atleast that's what keeps me going... If the places were switched, I would have wanted to him to live his life ahead, fully... I also think that eventually, when my time here on earth is over naturally, as excruciating and painful as it can be, I will meet him.. that he is watching out for me out there and he is happy everytime I smile, everytime I try to get better for myself... And for him..  I know it's too much too soon.... And I am sorry if anything that I said sounds upsetting at this time, because really you are the one going through it..... But whatever you feel, just type it out here... There is always someone listening.... We are here for you... Please hold on... Sending you loads of hugs and kisses and lots and lots of love..... ❤️

[CarlsWifeEternally]

Many thanks. He is all I have... I don't have any blood family... so his death is making me not want anything but to join him... I cant feel outside stimuli. I live in a hot climate where its 110 plus almost every summer day... I feel nothing. Not sun, wind, heat, sweat, cold, nothing.... not even the clothes on my back.... hugs.... nothing.... I have to force myself to eat, drink, you name it. Carl was all I had.... Why.... Why am I left behind...?

[Love88AJ]

That's something the one's left behind are left to stuggle with... The why's and the what if's... It's ok to feel that way.. It's ok.... I have been asking the same since my love passed away too... But life is so strange..... There are some questions that can/will never be answered and it's very very unfortunate.. unfair even..... There is a huge void... And it makes you numb.... Could you try something like maybe just wiggle your fingers a little bit..... Name five things you can see... Name five things you can hear.... Name five things you can smell... Just for the time being... Maybe count backwards..... From 1000.... Using all the words instead of a shortcut... Again these are all things that I do for myself to ground myself and I completely understand if it's something you many not wish to do..... Also, you could try yoga?.... Yoga with Adriene on youtube?..... She feels like a friend to me... I listen to her voice.. I cry but I feel like she understands me... and yes, do keep typing what you feel..... We hear you..... You are not alone..... As stupid as it sounds, you are not alone.. and is there anyone you can reach out to otherwise?..... Like is there any place you can go to for sometime and do something that you like?..... I have realized that the simplest things like cleaning after yourself can become very difficult tasks..... Though, they are the same tasks that stop me from losing my sanity... Like washing my clothes.. drying them... Folding them.. washing dishes.... Any sort of routine... Also, there is no hurry to do any of this.. you take your time.. there is no deadline.. you find your own ways of comfort too..... These suggestions you may consider as something you can always come back to..... Again, sending you loads of love..... Please hang on..... ❤️

[CarlsWifeEternally]

I want reassurance that I will never be apart from him again if I hold on... i...  cant see much right now.... my soul feels dead and I see nothing but pain.... I know of all things, he wants me happy.... but without HIM, I am a shell.... I miss him so much that I psuedo blacked out when I was told by his aunt of his passing... i cant see anything but him when I blink, sleep.... i know I need to have faith... that life is worth it now... but I cant.... I'm never going to be ready to let him go......

[Love88AJ]

4 hours ago, CarlsWifeEternally said:

I want reassurance that I will never be apart from him again if I hold on... i...  cant see much right now.... my soul feels dead and I see nothing but pain.... I know of all things, he wants me happy.... but without HIM, I am a shell.... I miss him so much that I psuedo blacked out when I was told by his aunt of his passing... i cant see anything but him when I blink, sleep.... i know I need to have faith... that life is worth it now... but I cant.... I'm never going to be ready to let him go......

You don't have to be ready to let him go... One moment at a time.... You don't have to have faith yet.... At this time, I can understand it is such a turmoil of emotions.... 4.5 half months in and he is still in my every thought and every dream.... So it's very natural for you to feel that way... It is too soon to think of anything else or be hopeful... But you are doing a good thing for yourself by writing I feel... Keep writing... Don't be hard on yourself with too many expectations from yourself... Your emotions are valid and you are allowed to feel any way you want to feel.... Just hold on.. hold on minute  by minute, second by second.. So yes please keep writing here how much ever you feel like you want to... 

 

Love.. ❤️

[CarlsWifeEternally]

I just... keep crying... it doesn't stop for long.... it will never stop... I want Carl back... I need him. It's so hard to not give in.... even breathing is painful now... I am his no matter what... nobody will ever be romantically touched by me... same in reverse.... I needed to grow old with him.... 

[Tamimi]

I am so sorry.  It does hurt so bad.  I never understood this level of grief until my husband passed almost 4 months ago.  Like you, I can't imagine my life without him.  I don't want to do life without him. But here I sit, some how surviving. Many times I'm scared about the future.  And I cry a lot.  But, I have noticed I have an OK day every once in awhile.  But he is constantly on my mind.  I joined a support group, read widow books, look at forums and pray as best I can.  It helps, but in the long run I just want my husband back.  I am older than you and we all have different circumstances that brought us to this place.  We all have that one common denominator though.  The loss of our spouse/SO. Please keep coming back here.  We all truly understand.

[CarlsWifeEternally]

I'm 31. I never wanted to say goodbye so soon... he saved me.... and I failed to save him.....

[KayC]

18 hours ago, CarlsWifeEternally said:

I want reassurance that I will never be apart from him again if I hold on

I assure you that is so!  It is the hope that keeps me continually going.  Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.  (Heb 11:1)  We're all given a mustard see grain of faith to begin with, so take your mustard seed worth of faith and invest it in this:  We will be with them again!  I very much look forward to the day when all tears will be wiped from our eyes and we'll never part again!

Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

We do not have the power to assume responsibility for another, nor can we always prevent death to our mortal bodies.  If the possibility had existed, my George would not have died.  Love has the power to save us, but not our physical bodies.  He would never want you to feel such responsibility, you were his life!

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

Please choose to call this number:  1-800-273-TALK

[LeannC45]

KayC, 

Absolutely beautiful....That just brings a smile to my face and warms my heart. I do believe with everything I am that I will see my husband again.

[CarlsWifeEternally]

Thank you everyone... d...do I HAVE to accept he is forever gone? I... cant. Wont ever be able to do that....

[KayC]

I wouldn't say forever, but in this life.  It takes much much time to process this, it can't sink in quickly, it's too much for our brains to handle at once.  Took me probably three years to process George's death.  Everyone is different.

Meanwhile, hold him in your heart, know his spirit continues.  I like to think my husband can hear me...who knows, no one can prove otherwise!  I tell him I love him and I know if he had the way to, he'd tell me the same.  You see, all that happened is his body gave out.  That didn't change our love!  That didn't change what we mean to each other!

When we began our relationship, it was on faith...faith in each other.  We started out writing to each other, and would often have to wait a week to get a reply or clarify something.  So we gave the benefit of the doubt based on faith in the other...now I do the same, only instead of a week, I have to wait longer, the rest of my life here, but then we'll be together again, and this time, never to separate again!

[CarlsWifeEternally]

That's true. I just have a hole. He and I talked like 12 hours a day every day on skype. 

[Paluka]

1 minute ago, CarlsWifeEternally said:

That's true. I just have a hole. He and I talked like 12 hours a day every day on skype. 

I am so very sorry for your loss. That hole you speak of is ever present but there are ways to deal with it. I speak to my wife, Lauri, all the time. I have had signs that she is okay. I have Faith that she is okay. My son and I traveled to attend his college orientation a few weeks ago. We talked about her often when on this trip. She would have been so excited and I have no doubt that she actually is excited for him to be going to college. Lauri and I always talked throughout the day. This was a difficult adjustment to make so I just talk to her anyway.

I felt incredibly guilty because I tried to save Lauri and could not revive her. I gave her everything I could to save her life. Unfortunately she was already gone and nothing I did made a difference. We cannot afford to hold ourselves responsible for the loss of our spouse. It is too much for a soul to bare and it is as unfair as losing them to begin with. I know the thoughts of wanting to join my beloved. There were very dark times for me. Times that I wished I was dead. However, I have a responsibility to Lauri, to her children and to my son to do the best I can with this life I was given. She has been dead for a little over 9 months now. I never thought I would make it this far. I have a lot farther to go.

I know how difficult this can be. Reach out to those here and elsewhere. You will be okay at some point. I know I am not the same person I was with Lauri and I together but I don't cry as often and I have Faith that I will be reunited with her someday. I do not claim to have any answers but I do know that embracing the pain eventually forced me to deal with some of it. 

I will pray for you. As my therapist says..."you do you. You do your grief...your way. No one else can tell you what has to happen or should happen. It's up to each one of us." He's a wise man whose son died many years ago. God Bless you.

 

[CarlsWifeEternally]

3 hours ago, Paluka said:

I am so very sorry for your loss. That hole you speak of is ever present but there are ways to deal with it. I speak to my wife, Lauri, all the time. I have had signs that she is okay. I have Faith that she is okay. My son and I traveled to attend his college orientation a few weeks ago. We talked about her often when on this trip. She would have been so excited and I have no doubt that she actually is excited for him to be going to college. Lauri and I always talked throughout the day. This was a difficult adjustment to make so I just talk to her anyway.

I felt incredibly guilty because I tried to save Lauri and could not revive her. I gave her everything I could to save her life. Unfortunately she was already gone and nothing I did made a difference. We cannot afford to hold ourselves responsible for the loss of our spouse. It is too much for a soul to bare and it is as unfair as losing them to begin with. I know the thoughts of wanting to join my beloved. There were very dark times for me. Times that I wished I was dead. However, I have a responsibility to Lauri, to her children and to my son to do the best I can with this life I was given. She has been dead for a little over 9 months now. I never thought I would make it this far. I have a lot farther to go.

I know how difficult this can be. Reach out to those here and elsewhere. You will be okay at some point. I know I am not the same person I was with Lauri and I together but I don't cry as often and I have Faith that I will be reunited with her someday. I do not claim to have any answers but I do know that embracing the pain eventually forced me to deal with some of it. 

I will pray for you. As my therapist says..."you do you. You do your grief...your way. No one else can tell you what has to happen or should happen. It's up to each one of us." He's a wise man whose son died many years ago. God Bless you.

 

This. On so many levels. Everything reminds me of him, even the breeze, water, everything. I am talking with his aunt daily and she is a ray of light. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, CarlsWifeEternally said:

He and I talked like 12 hours a day every day on skype. 

The absence of that will be a trigger for you for a long time.  My husband and I were always together except when we were working.  He worked opposite shift of me, 75 miles away, but always called me on my lunch break when he was getting up, called me as I was getting off work, just before he started, and called me on his first two breaks.  When those times rolled around after he died, it was keenly felt by me, the absence of the phone ringing.  I've finally adjusted, but it took a long time.

I'm glad you have his aunt to talk to, we need someone.

[CarlsWifeEternally]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

The absence of that will be a trigger for you for a long time.  My husband and I were always together except when we were working.  He worked opposite shift of me, 75 miles away, but always called me on my lunch break when he was getting up, called me as I was getting off work, just before he started, and called me on his first two breaks.  When those times rolled around after he died, it was keenly felt by me, the absence of the phone ringing.  I've finally adjusted, but it took a long time.

I'm glad you have his aunt to talk to, we need someone.

I need him. His aunt says she can tell I'm not healing at all due to constant crying. Carl didn't know how precious he was... IS... to everyone who knew him. 

[LeannC45]

16 minutes ago, CarlsWifeEternally said:

I need him. His aunt says she can tell I'm not healing at all due to constant crying. Carl didn't know how precious he was... IS... to everyone who knew him. 

Be patient with yourself. This is still so fresh of course you are crying all the time. I am almost 6 months into my journey and I am just now getting a couple days here and there where I don't cry. I think of my husband every single day and I know I will miss him for the rest of my life. You will carry the gifts he gave you through the love you shared. Take it one day at a time, minute by minute. Light does shine through darkness eventually. I wish you strength on your journey.

[CarlsWifeEternally]

31 minutes ago, LeannC45 said:

Be patient with yourself. This is still so fresh of course you are crying all the time. I am almost 6 months into my journey and I am just now getting a couple days here and there where I don't cry. I think of my husband every single day and I know I will miss him for the rest of my life. You will carry the gifts he gave you through the love you shared. Take it one day at a time, minute by minute. Light does shine through darkness eventually. I wish you strength on your journey.

Thank you. I love him so much. I won't let another romantically be with me. I made him a promise. I intend to keep it. 

[SooC]

This is my first post, I have been lurking in this forum reading about people's situation to help myself feel what I'm receiving is normal. 

Like you, I'm in a relationship where we never considered marriage. She was 35 and myself 37. She passed exactly a month ago. Like you too, we spoke from the time when we wake till the time when we fall asleep together, apart, in different houses. I put her to sleep with all the promises for tomorrow, only for her to suffer a heart attack 2 hours later. 

I've tried ways to reach her, I've been out of my mind. I wasted a good month doing nothing but just staring in space. Plotting suicide was surely inevitable because I wanted to be where she is even if my believes of the afterlife can be different from what I expect. 

How I cope with this, albeit of little effect, is to journal everything I had with her. I wanted to be so close to her I didn't want my frail mind to forget any moment with her. I guess it helps to pass time. I don't believe anyone can move me. The days that had passed definitely helped calm me down alittle by little, the world may never he happy anymore, but I am consoled more, I am stronger. You know, it's bitter sweet. But while we are alive, I wish the days will be kind to you too. 

[CarlsWifeEternally]

1 hour ago, SooC said:

This is my first post, I have been lurking in this forum reading about people's situation to help myself feel what I'm receiving is normal. 

Like you, I'm in a relationship where we never considered marriage. She was 35 and myself 37. She passed exactly a month ago. Like you too, we spoke from the time when we wake till the time when we fall asleep together, apart, in different houses. I put her to sleep with all the promises for tomorrow, only for her to suffer a heart attack 2 hours later. 

I've tried ways to reach her, I've been out of my mind. I wasted a good month doing nothing but just staring in space. Plotting suicide was surely inevitable because I wanted to be where she is even if my believes of the afterlife can be different from what I expect. 

How I cope with this, albeit of little effect, is to journal everything I had with her. I wanted to be so close to her I didn't want my frail mind to forget any moment with her. I guess it helps to pass time. I don't believe anyone can move me. The days that had passed definitely helped calm me down alittle by little, the world may never he happy anymore, but I am consoled more, I am stronger. You know, it's bitter sweet. But while we are alive, I wish the days will be kind to you too. 

We had been planning to marry at Christmas, he had been planning to visit me, with his aunt. I need him back. I spoke with his aunt for 4 hours yesterday. Unless I talk to her, my days are dead. I need him to a point where time seems... dead. A minute feels like a day right now. After his funeral... I like legit wonder how I will cope. His aunt is scared, deep down. I can hear her fear in her voice. I will post the info I learn when his autopsy results come in, in a few days time. I... I yearn to die. Not suicidal keep in mind per say.  Just yearn for him. I fall deeper in love with him each day too. His aunt has told me that his face would light up when I called. I.. miss him. 

[KayC]

@SooC  I am so sorry for your loss.  It just seems so wrong to lose someone so young.  My daughter turns 37 this week, my son is 34, to think of them dying for any reason, I can't fathom.  Your loss is great.  When my George died I didn't see how I could survive a week without him...now it's 13 years later, unbelievably to me.  But he's with me still, his spirit, we were joined at the heart, not even death can separate us!  I wrote this based on what I've learned on my grief journey, I hope something will be of help to you:

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[LoveGoli]

On 6/20/2018 at 8:32 AM, CarlsWifeEternally said:

I'm 31. I never wanted to say goodbye so soon... he saved me.... and I failed to save him.....

I was 29 when I lost him last year and my Goli was just 30 , loosing him in 30 never thought. I feel the same that i failed to saved him but when I recreate those moments again in my mind I did what I could do, of course there are ifs and buts, but we did our best, although I asked to forgive me every time when I feel guilty.

[Jamiei]

I know exactly how you feel! My boyfriend was my everything. I waited everyday for him to come home from work at 4:45! He’d walk in that door with the biggest smile, we’d have dinner go for a bike ride, talk for hours on end! Everything is so difficult, the pain, the loneliness, the silence! It’s been 5 months since his sudden heart attack! We were on vacation in Arizona and were hiking camelback and he started complaining of chest pains, he collapsed and could not be revived! I did cpr, held him and he was gone. I’ll never forget the fear in his eyes, it wakes me up every night. The gilt I have for not being able to save him is excruciating. I have had days where I didn’t think I could go on, but I do!! I am hoping with time this pain will be easier to live with. I will pray for you

[KayC]

On 6/22/2018 at 11:43 AM, CarlsWifeEternally said:

His aunt says she can tell I'm not healing at all due to constant crying.

Actually, this is not true.  Our tears are part of our processing our grief and we need to express our pain however we feel.  It's important that people not tell us how we should or shouldn't grieve.

I have belonged to this site for 13 years (griefhealing.com) and Marty Tousley is my mentor, grief counselor, website owner and administrator, she knows more about grief than anyone I've met and far surpasses any other counselor I've seen.  She posted this article and I hope it clarifies whatever his aunt or anyone is trying to tell you:

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

Maybe you could print out the article for his aunt to read next time she says something to you about how you grieve.

[CarlsWifeEternally]

allow me to explain. Even my therapist says what she did. I feel blank. Empty. Detached from this world. I'm in physical pain. What she means is that I am hard on myself for crying and it's not good. I'm scared she will also die and I will be... truly alone. I couldn't even attend his funeral due to my friends bailing out a relative of theirs last minute. His aunt is 66 years old and has chronic pancreatitis. I'm scared I will wake up and she will be gone too... Nothing helps. I'm way too depressed with a very tiny support group which all have their own lives. 

On 6/23/2018 at 12:37 AM, SooC said:

This is my first post, I have been lurking in this forum reading about people's situation to help myself feel what I'm receiving is normal. 

Like you, I'm in a relationship where we never considered marriage. She was 35 and myself 37. She passed exactly a month ago. Like you too, we spoke from the time when we wake till the time when we fall asleep together, apart, in different houses. I put her to sleep with all the promises for tomorrow, only for her to suffer a heart attack 2 hours later. 

I've tried ways to reach her, I've been out of my mind. I wasted a good month doing nothing but just staring in space. Plotting suicide was surely inevitable because I wanted to be where she is even if my believes of the afterlife can be different from what I expect. 

How I cope with this, albeit of little effect, is to journal everything I had with her. I wanted to be so close to her I didn't want my frail mind to forget any moment with her. I guess it helps to pass time. I don't believe anyone can move me. The days that had passed definitely helped calm me down alittle by little, the world may never he happy anymore, but I am consoled more, I am stronger. You know, it's bitter sweet. But while we are alive, I wish the days will be kind to you too. 

We had been planning to marry at Christmas, he had been planning to visit me, with his aunt. I need him back. I spoke with his aunt for 4 hours yesterday. Unless I talk to her, my days are dead. I need him to a point where time seems... dead. A minute feels like a day right now. After his funeral... I like legit wonder how I will cope. His aunt is scared, deep down. I can hear her fear in her voice. I will post the info I learn when his autopsy results come in, in a few days time. I... I yearn to die. Not suicidal keep in mind per say.  Just yearn for him. I fall deeper in love with him each day too. His aunt has told me that his face would light up when I called. I.. miss him. 

[Lost6263]

I too understand. I lost my husband of almost 11 years back in feb of a heart attack. The darkness and pain of not having him here with me is unbearable at times. After the first month I realized I couldn't do it alone. I started seeing a therapist and it does help. I make myself get up early to take our dogs ( our fur babies) for walks just to take baby steps of getting out more. Some days I don't even leave our bed. Some days I try to stay busy, cleaning, organizing, or just looking through pictures. Please try setting up an appt with a therapist. Also know there are many hotlines KayC mentioned that could help. Just hold on one minute at a time. Focus on your breathing and focus on the things that he did that put a smile on your face. ❤️

[Sam1967]

Deleted

[Spengler]

I understand how you feel, C. There are times when I truly don't care if I live or die. I have to force myself to eat, and have trouble sleeping. But for us, the ones left behind, the only moral choice is to keep on living as best we can. Anything else is a desecration. We will die and join our loved ones when our time comes, but we have to earn our death. And the coin we have to pay is grieving and feeling pain.

[KayC]

A therapist is not necessarily trained in grief.  I hope you are seeing a professional grief counselor, someone specially trained in grief, look for a degree in Thanatolgy.  

I stand by what I said two months ago.  Unless you are actively fighting against healing, there is nothing wrong with tears...tears can be the release valve of a pressure cooker.  As long as you are not construing tears, trying to conjure them up to prolong your grief, tears can be healing and aid us through the grief process.  In time they will lessen, but your grief is still fresh to you and it's understandable you are feeling as you do.  I have seen people that have fought against allowing any good to come into their lives and they have unnecessarily held themselves there in the beginning of their grief, as if they think their grief somehow proclaims their love for their deceased!  It's important to note that it is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love and it continues still.  I just responded that same statement in another thread.  It's common for people to want to hang on to their sorrow rather than let their grief progress and develop normally.  It takes the effort of recognizing this and allowing yourself the occasional smile or laughter...but in the beginning even this is elusive.  Oh God, it takes time, so much time, to make your way through this grief process!  It IS a process!  It has a beginning  but not an ending, it does however evolve and does not stay the same.  It is not desired that it should stay as it is in the beginning because that would be more than our bodies are able to handle.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, CarlsWifeEternally said:

I yearn to die. Not suicidal keep in mind per say.  Just yearn for him. I fall deeper in love with him each day too. His aunt has told me that his face would light up when I called. I.. miss him. 

Honor him with your life.  You may have more than grief going on, if it is depression, I hope you are in close touch with your doctor for it.  It could be that you need not only your therapist to help you deal with your depression but also a grief specialist to deal with your grief, they are trained to help you find your way through the maze of grief.  We can be at a loss, in the beginning, to know even where to start.

[Sunflower2]

1 hour ago, Spengler said:

I understand how you feel, C. There are times when I truly don't care if I live or die. I have to force myself to eat, and have trouble sleeping. But for us, the ones left behind, the only moral choice is to keep on living as best we can. Anything else is a desecration. We will die and join our loved ones when our time comes, but we have to earn our death. And the coin we have to pay is grieving and feeling pain.

thank you! an encouraging reminder!!!!!!!!!