Lost wife to cancer, sole parent to two children

[Brandon Keener]

Grief is an experience I wouldn't wish on anyone.  It's been three weeks since my wife Christina passed.  She was 44.  Christina battled breast cancer for 8 years, diagnosed with metastatic in the last 4.  We lived a completely "normal" life, even through our normal was different than everyone else.  Our normal included chemotherapy infusions every 3 weeks for 4 years straight.  It took a lot of effort to make it all work.  My wife worked right until the week she died.  We had a super busy spring, and had some type of activity to attend with our girls (ages 9 & 13) 6 nights a week.  

I spent half of my marriage knowing this day would come (July 7 will be 17 years), and I have had the chance to think about things to come that perhaps some others on this forum did not.  It didn't make a difference.  Knowing you are going to have a death to deal with and actually dealing with it are two very different things.

Grief is exhausting.  I have a busy career and two active children to manage and deal with myself.  On top of it all, unwinding her estate is harder than I thought.  Being the beneficiary does not make things automatic, and it becomes a separate job in itself.

I'm posting this because I know there are people out there who know how I feel.  No one around me knows how I feel.  It's indescribable.  People at work will see me fine and then upset in the same meeting.  I know it will get better.  But that's what I am afraid of.  If getting better means I slowly become detached to the life I loved so much, I am not sure I want to get better.  I can't leave Christina behind.  I just can't.  She doesn't deserve that.

[KayC]

I don't think we become detached to it.  It's been 13 years today for me and he's still very much a part of me, I love and miss him each and every day of my life.  I've learned to survive, to handle things on my own, it's not my preference, I loved being married to him, but i do what I have to do.  And sometimes I ask him to come be with me, and I think he is in spirit.

You will never leave Christina behind, you will learn to incorporate her into your life in a different way.  You won't be able to cuddle on the couch together or talk over your day, but you will learn to carry her in your heart and incorporate all of the things that were so special about her into YOU to carry forward.  At least that's what I've done.  My husband changed my life forever, from the day I met him.  It will never be like he wasn't here.  He's the most important thing that ever happened to me.  No she doesn't deserve being left behind, and you will find ways to honor her, you and your children.

I am just so sorry for your loss.  I am amazed continually by how many new people we get here with fresh losses, it shows there sure is a lot of death in the world, and so many of them so young, it's unfair.  I hope you will continue to come here and voice yourself, it really does help to know you are heard and understood.  We're all going through this together, the best we can.

[Brandon Keener]

Thank you for your response, KayC.  I found it meaningful, and it just carries a different weight than anyone I can talk to on this topic.  I have as much support as I could ever wish for from church, kid's schools, co-workers, neighbors, friends, and family.  But I have no-one who can understand the near-constant emptiness.  I am hoping this forum can help me.  

During the first three years of Christina's metastatic journey, I traveled constantly for my job, but made sure I was in town during chemo weeks.  When I would get sad from being on the road by myself, I would tell myself that I am lonely, but I am not alone.  The last year was a blessing in that I got a new role in the company that had me home almost every night.  It was wonderful in that I know we spent the last whole year together almost constantly.  

And now I am alone. 

I will carry Christina forward with me.  I've got two little blondes that are constant reminders of the best time of the first half of my life.

[Kal1120]

@Brandon Keener

I’m so very sorry for your loss. My husband hasn’t been gone for long but it feels like it’s been longer. I’m still trying to navigate through the grief process. I feel pretty lost most of the time, but I do feel this forum has been of some comfort to me, especially when the days are feeling long, and the nights even longer ( I’m on bedrest, our first child is due soon). Somebody on here had mentioned writing letters to him, which I have been doing and I think it’s been kind of helpful (for me, anyway). 

Katie

[KayC]

Brandon,

I'm glad you got that change in your job as well, you will need it now as well.  I see the picture of your family, gosh it has to be hard.  It must feel shattered.  My children were grown when I went through it, he was their stepdad, but it hit them hard as they were close, especially my son because he was still at home when we got married.  He was always there for my kids, him and my son were friends and got along so well.

Trying to navigate your way through this can be pretty tough, I remember the anxiety I had in those early days, it was very hard.  I didn't see how it was possible to live without George, I didn't see how it was the sun could go on shining, how people could go on with their lives when mine has just ended!  At least that's how I felt.

I wrote this based on what I'd learned in the first 12 years of my journey...if there's anything you can take away with you, I hope it helps.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[Brandon Keener]

@Kal1120

Writing letters is a good idea.  I have on Christina's night stand the framed picture of her we used at the funeral.  When I get home from work, I go sit on Christina's side of the bed and tell her about my day.  For some strange reason it makes me feel better, and I'm past the point of thinking it is weird.  I don't care.  I tell her good morning when I wake up, good night when I go to bed, and I tell her I love her whenever I look at the picture.  I am definitely in denial.  And it hits me over and over and over.  I was going through my dry cleaning in the closet this morning and found a dress that was mixed in.  It's the dress Christina wore to the Queen's Cup steeple chase in April (attached) and I lost it.  That day was April 28.  How can my life beso different 6 weeks later?  I just don't get it.

[Brandon Keener]

@kayC

 

30 minutes ago, KayC said:

Trying to navigate your way through this can be pretty tough, I remember the anxiety I had in those early days, it was very hard.  I didn't see how it was possible to live without George, I didn't see how it was the sun could go on shining, how people could go on with their lives when mine has just ended!  At least that's how I felt.

 

 

Something new hit me this morning on the way to work and I had two very distinct reactions:

1) I realized that history was recording without my Christina in it.  It devastated me.  Every moment is a new experience that she will never get.  I immediately broke down crying in traffic.

2) History is recording with me in it.  I am alive, and I have different paths I can take now that I didn't have before  My world is new.  I cheered up a bit, knowing that I have the chance to live, and maybe just live a little more fully than what I thought my plans were.  

 

[KayC]

I had a long commute to work (50 miles one way) and I did a lot of processing during that time.  It sounds like you had a breakthrough thought!  It will happen.  You can expect ups and downs, good moments as well as hard ones, but you will learn to experience life on your own.  I remember venturing out on my own alone, attending church, going to a restaurant alone, things like that, it was hard at first, now I don't think twice about it.  

[LeannC45]

2 hours ago, Brandon Keener said:

@kayC

 

Something new hit me this morning on the way to work and I had two very distinct reactions:

1) I realized that history was recording without my Christina in it.  It devastated me.  Every moment is a new experience that she will never get.  I immediately broke down crying in traffic.

2) History is recording with me in it.  I am alive, and I have different paths I can take now that I didn't have before  My world is new.  I cheered up a bit, knowing that I have the chance to live, and maybe just live a little more fully than what I thought my plans were.  

 

I can relate to realizing that your life is starting anew.  I thought my future was raising toddlers again with my husband and now all of that is gone. I am now standing looking into the future and having to start all over again. That is part of what brings me anxiety. I don't have a clear view of which direction to head.

[Tamimi]

I'm sorry for your loss of your dear wife. I get anxiety quite often thinking of my future without my husband.  How can I make a new/different life when I loved and was happy with what I had? But I also had a moment realizing I am still alive so what choice do I have? God took him so suddenly almost 4 months ago.  I know He must have plans for me. I have faith I will see Bob again but I sure wish he was here to talk all this over with.

[Brandon Keener]

@Tamimi

I am sorry for your loss as well.  I have the same questions you do.  My experience dealing with a long term illness had me conscious of the fact that my life would change but I never put much thought into what that would look like.  Looking back, it's because I never gave up hope that each treatment would buy us time.  In 8 years, Christina tried 6 different treatments, and many more variations of those treatments.  Even the week before she died, we thought the treatment we were starting would bail us out.  But her liver failed so quickly (main tumors from metastatic breast cancer), we never had a detailed conversation on life after my CK.

I keep waiting to have some physical effect from all of this.  I can eat, sleep, work.  I look normal until I start crying for no reason.  I'm just a basket case these days.  I had no idea I would react this way.

[LeannC45]

On 6/19/2018 at 11:06 AM, Brandon Keener said:

Thank you for your response, KayC.  I found it meaningful, and it just carries a different weight than anyone I can talk to on this topic.  I have as much support as I could ever wish for from church, kid's schools, co-workers, neighbors, friends, and family.  But I have no-one who can understand the near-constant emptiness.  I am hoping this forum can help me.  

During the first three years of Christina's metastatic journey, I traveled constantly for my job, but made sure I was in town during chemo weeks.  When I would get sad from being on the road by myself, I would tell myself that I am lonely, but I am not alone.  The last year was a blessing in that I got a new role in the company that had me home almost every night.  It was wonderful in that I know we spent the last whole year together almost constantly.  

And now I am alone. 

I will carry Christina forward with me.  I've got two little blondes that are constant reminders of the best time of the first half of my life.

I just wanted to tell you how beautiful the picture is that you shared. I keep one of my husband's shirts underneath my pillow and I talk to him constantly. I wish you strength on your journey.

[vernkathy]

12 hours ago, Brandon Keener said:

@Tamimi

BrandonI am sorry for your loss as well.  I have the same questions you do.  My experience dealing with a long term illness had me conscious of the fact that my life would change but I never put much thought into what that would look like.  Looking back, it's because I never gave up hope that each treatment would buy us time.  In 8 years, Christina tried 6 different treatments, and many more variations of those treatments.  Even the week before she died, we thought the treatment we were starting would bail us out.  But her liver failed so quickly (main tumors from metastatic breast cancer), we never had a detailed conversation on life after my CK.

I keep waiting to have some physical effect from all of this.  I can eat, sleep, work.  I look normal until I start crying for no reason.  I'm just a basket case these days.  I had no idea I would react this way.

Brandon Keener, like you  my husband had cancer 22 years ago we fought it and prayed and God allowed him to live 22 more years, at 20years after beating the cancer it came back. He had a couple other medical conditions and his age a cure was not in the cards. We did not address the topic of what happens when he is gone. We talked about things like that in general terms. I was so busy trying to get the most out of the time he was here I didn't want to talk about sad things. He never liked to cry in front of me. In his last months he had several moment where emotion got the better of him. When he got to the hospital He said to me that he was sorry that things turned out like this. I asked him what he meant. His reply was we had a good thing. My response was we still do.  I know he was trying to tell me his time was at the end. I like you wasn't prepared for how this would really feel. My husband was almost 80 and he worked up until August when a lung infection landed him back in the hospital. They never could get the infection under control. He passed away the end of December. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep coming here and you will get some peace. The grief is exhausting and time becomes relative. Before and after. Guilt and anger for feeling guilt.  I need to get to bed to try and get some sleep, but it is so hard for me. Everyone is different in how they grieve. There is no right or wrong way. It is normal to cry. You probably are able to eat and sleep and carry on for the kids. The farther I get from his death I find more good days, but when a bad one comes it's bad. I am learning to go with it and embrace it.

[KayC]

VernKathy gave you good advice.  Do keep coming here.  We have a lot more people here, some seem to be taking a break.  Maybe they've talked themselves out.  People come and go here, but there's nearly always someone around to listen and respond.  One day at a time...

[Brandon Keener]

On 6/20/2018 at 8:26 PM, LeannC45 said:

I just wanted to tell you how beautiful the picture is that you shared. I keep one of my husband's shirts underneath my pillow and I talk to him constantly. I wish you strength on your journey.

@LeannC45

Hi Leann:  I have a couple things belonging to Christina I keep near me.  My most important one is her wedding ring.  I had it resized and I wear it every day.  Christina did not know I would be doing this.  I hadn't even thought of it until she passed.  She would be very happy.

[Glolilly]

I saw so many comments already but wanted to add my thoughts. (reading, posting, helps us all move toward feeling better I think). I would think when I die, my sons would never forget me but would hopefully focus less on "my death" and more on "living out their lives" and they should. To me a memory of the person isn't about frozen pictures in past times of happier times but more like a great book with many chapters of adventures, thrills, sharing, caring, struggles, love, and so much more! We remember Jesus and how he loved us and cared for us. How do we know this?... we read it in the good bible, the Bible. We don't have to worry about forgetting about him because he is a spirit and he can never be forgotten once we know him. Do he want us to focus on him every moment even while eating, exercising, kissing, not really. So we don't have to worry so hard about forgetting them, we can't, but he would want us to live our lives fully. Some think 'letting go" is forgetting them. No, it's forgetting the pain and hurt but remembering them in joy!

Other people will mostly see us fine because I did before this happened to me. I didn't know grief captured your full attention, physically and emotionally.  That's why this website is so great imo, where we can be ourselves and be understood. 

Every grief is unique so what we do with our rings can not be imagined until we are facing the "what do I do with the rings" situation. I wore mine on the same finger, then I lost the main diamond stone, which was strange after wearing them for 25 years. So now I wear half the set for now. I can't say what I will do with them later, and I don't have to say what I will do. I have to do what I am comfortable with and you should as well. But know that I believe that my husband would want me to enjoy the rest of my life and not worry about keeping memory tokens for him. That is how I feel about it today. I am 60 and will soon join him in less than probably 30 years and I don't want to feel bad 30 years. God bless and encourage everyone that reads this, is my prayer.

[LeannC45]

22 hours ago, Brandon Keener said:

@LeannC45

Hi Leann:  I have a couple things belonging to Christina I keep near me.  My most important one is her wedding ring.  I had it resized and I wear it every day.  Christina did not know I would be doing this.  I hadn't even thought of it until she passed.  She would be very happy.

What a beautiful idea. My husband was a huge football fan so I took all of his jerseys and had a quilt made. I also took all of his pants and had a quilt made for my mother in-law which she was so happy to get. I find that I have a lot of little rituals that I do to feel closer to my husband.

[KayC]

I wish I'd thought of that, but I gave his clothes to a cause I knew he'd like.  There's also places that make pillows out of a photo, etc. on eBay.  I like the wedding band idea!

[LeannC45]

I am fortunate enough to work with someone whose wife makes quilts. I was literally crying in my bed covering myself up with one of my husband's sweaters when it came to me to ask if she would please use my husband's clothes to make a quilt for me. I had the first one made for my mother in-law for her birthday which falls one day after my husband's. It was a little something I could do to ease the suffering of my husband not being there. I can't wait to get mine, I know I will keep it forever.

[PainIsTooReal]

Newbie here, so forgive me if I'm screwing this all up...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Brandon. Very similar situation here except the time frame: she was diagnosed last March and passed this April. 27  years together, 2 children (all grown). Our anniversary is Thursday and I'm just a wreck today. Feel lost, alone, can't breathe, don't feel like doing anything. Also starting a new job on Monday -- was made an offer I couldn't refuse -- but am a mess of anxiety tonight.

Listening to sad songs, 'cause that's my MO... feel bad,make it worse. I HATE THIS!!! I'm not convinced I was meant to endure this level of pain.

I wish I drank,crawling into a bottle sounds somewhat comforting.

I think I'm slowly going insane.

Oh good,"Hurt" by Johnny Cash just came on. That'll help the mood. Like a bad version of American Top 40, 'cause y'know, the hits just keep on coming.

I'm so, so very sorry for everyone's loss on this board-- I wouldn't wish this grief on anyone.

[vernkathy]

1 hour ago, PainIsTooReal said:

Newbie here, so forgive me if I'm screwing this all up...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Brandon. Very similar situation here except the time frame: she was diagnosed last March and passed this April. 27  years together, 2 children (all grown). Our anniversary is Thursday and I'm just a wreck today. Feel lost, alone, can't breathe, don't feel like doing anything. Also starting a new job on Monday -- was made an offer I couldn't refuse -- but am a mess of anxiety tonight.

Listening to sad songs, 'cause that's my MO... feel bad,make it worse. I HATE THIS!!! I'm not convinced I was meant to endure this level of pain.

I wish I drank,crawling into a bottle sounds somewhat comforting.

I think I'm slowly going insane.

Oh good,"Hurt" by Johnny Cash just came on. That'll help the mood. Like a bad version of American Top 40, 'cause y'know, the hits just keep on coming.

I'm so, so very sorry for everyone's loss on this board-- I wouldn't wish this grief on anyone.

I know what you mean about going insane. Everyday I am going that way a little at a time. It kills me to remember when we first meant, when we got married, funny stories we used to remember together and now can't. I am so sorry for your loss. It will get better as time goes by. Not sure what better really is. 

 

 

[MichDL]

Hi, Brandon. I'm so so sorry for your loss. I find it really sweet that you're wearing Christina's ring to keep her close to you. We never really get over the death of our loved ones, the pain just kind of gets less intense with time. Have you also tried setting up an online memorial page for her? I think this will give you another way to celebrate her life and share your happiest memories of her with your children and your family and friends. Keeping her happy memories alive helps ease the pain.

[Brandon Keener]

8 hours ago, PainIsTooReal said:

Newbie here, so forgive me if I'm screwing this all up...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Brandon. Very similar situation here except the time frame: she was diagnosed last March and passed this April. 27  years together, 2 children (all grown). Our anniversary is Thursday and I'm just a wreck today. Feel lost, alone, can't breathe, don't feel like doing anything. Also starting a new job on Monday -- was made an offer I couldn't refuse -- but am a mess of anxiety tonight.

Listening to sad songs, 'cause that's my MO... feel bad,make it worse. I HATE THIS!!! I'm not convinced I was meant to endure this level of pain.

I wish I drank,crawling into a bottle sounds somewhat comforting.

I think I'm slowly going insane.

Oh good,"Hurt" by Johnny Cash just came on. That'll help the mood. Like a bad version of American Top 40, 'cause y'know, the hits just keep on coming.

I'm so, so very sorry for everyone's loss on this board-- I wouldn't wish this grief on anyone.

I am too sorry for your loss.  I feel just like you do.  I am in a house full of people and yet I am alone.  I barely dragged myself into work this morning.

Today is the worst.  It has been one month since my wife passed.  A whole month!  I can't get my head wrapped around it that she's been gone that long.  Usually when you go a month without talking to someone they kinda slip to the back of your mind.  Christina still fees so real because I am constantly reflecting on our time together.

[Brandon Keener]

31 minutes ago, MichDL said:

Hi, Brandon. I'm so so sorry for your loss. I find it really sweet that you're wearing Christina's ring to keep her close to you. We never really get over the death of our loved ones, the pain just kind of gets less intense with time. Have you also tried setting up an online memorial page for her? I think this will give you another way to celebrate her life and share your happiest memories of her with your children and your family and friends. Keeping her happy memories alive helps ease the pain.

@MichDL

That is a good idea.  Right now I am posting to this forum and I have become very active on Facebook (via Instagram).  I have the urge to accomplish two things:  let people know that I am semi-functional and to keep the memory of Christina alive.

I've also been making video diaries that help me get the words out.  My 9yo and 13yo don't need my venting and my mother-in-law is in her own little world of grief.  So talking out loud has really helped me get over some very strong emotions.

[Brandon Keener]

On 6/25/2018 at 12:31 PM, Glolilly said:

I saw so many comments already but wanted to add my thoughts. (reading, posting, helps us all move toward feeling better I think). I would think when I die, my sons would never forget me but would hopefully focus less on "my death" and more on "living out their lives" and they should. To me a memory of the person isn't about frozen pictures in past times of happier times but more like a great book with many chapters of adventures, thrills, sharing, caring, struggles, love, and so much more! We remember Jesus and how he loved us and cared for us. How do we know this?... we read it in the good bible, the Bible. We don't have to worry about forgetting about him because he is a spirit and he can never be forgotten once we know him. Do he want us to focus on him every moment even while eating, exercising, kissing, not really. So we don't have to worry so hard about forgetting them, we can't, but he would want us to live our lives fully. Some think 'letting go" is forgetting them. No, it's forgetting the pain and hurt but remembering them in joy!

Other people will mostly see us fine because I did before this happened to me. I didn't know grief captured your full attention, physically and emotionally.  That's why this website is so great imo, where we can be ourselves and be understood. 

Every grief is unique so what we do with our rings can not be imagined until we are facing the "what do I do with the rings" situation. I wore mine on the same finger, then I lost the main diamond stone, which was strange after wearing them for 25 years. So now I wear half the set for now. I can't say what I will do with them later, and I don't have to say what I will do. I have to do what I am comfortable with and you should as well. But know that I believe that my husband would want me to enjoy the rest of my life and not worry about keeping memory tokens for him. That is how I feel about it today. I am 60 and will soon join him in less than probably 30 years and I don't want to feel bad 30 years. God bless and encourage everyone that reads this, is my prayer.

@Glolilly

I appreciate your reply.  I am coming to the point after 30 days where the numbness is wearing off, and I am having some very strong emotions.  Actually, my Christina would be very upset if she knew how broken I was.  During her long bout with cancer, we had many ups and downs.  When I got emotional she would pick me up and put me back together.  Christina would want me to pick myself back up.

 

I am really appreciative for the people on this site.  It really does help me understand that I am not alone in how I feel.

[Brandon Keener]

9 hours ago, PainIsTooReal said:

Listening to sad songs, 'cause that's my MO... feel bad,make it worse. I HATE THIS!!! I'm not convinced I was meant to endure this level of pain.

@PainIsTooReal

I spend a lot of time listening to songs too.  Most actually bring me comfort, because they are songs Christina and I listened to together.  We have lots of Spotify playlists we built together.

  One of the last songs Christina listened to was "broken" by lovelytheband.  It's a song that should make me feel sad, but it doesn't.  I view it now as a song where I know there are other people out there just like me...broken.

 

 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

I was literally crying in my bed covering myself up with one of my husband's sweaters when it came to me to ask if she would please use my husband's clothes to make a quilt for me.

That is a great idea, I kept my husband's robe and like to wrap myself in it.  His sweaters were also comforting, that's why I sent one to both of his kids.  

18 hours ago, PainIsTooReal said:

she was diagnosed last March and passed this April. 27  years together, 2 children (all grown). Our anniversary is Thursday

I am so sorry.  Drink wouldn't help anyway, it's a depressant, plenty have tried that.  If there was a way to circumvent this grief, I'd have surely found it by now.  I've learned to let the tears flow as they come, it's all part of the processing our grief, and there's no shame in that.

It does help to write posts here, knowing they're heard and understood by others who've walked in the same shoes is validating and helps somehow.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Brandon Keener said:

One of the last songs Christina listened to was "broken" by lovelytheband.  It's a song that should make me feel sad, but it doesn't.  I view it now as a song where I know there are other people out there just like me...broken.

Myhusband was big into music...at first I listened to all of his CDs, I wanted to get behind his eyes and listen with his heart, why he purchased this one, what he got out of that one.

[LeannC45]

My husband said All Of Me by John Legend reminded him of me. It makes me smile and cry.

[BSL]

On 6/27/2018 at 9:00 PM, LeannC45 said:

My husband said All Of Me by John Legend reminded him of me. It makes me smile and cry.

That was one of my wife's favourite songs. Around a year after she died, I touched the wrong button while driving and her John Legend CD, that, had been in the car cd player the whole time, started playing that song. It brought a rush of tears to my eyes.

 

For anyone interested, I came upon this video and my interpretation of it is about the loss. Others may see it differently.

 

[LeannC45]

11 minutes ago, BSL said:

That was one of my wife's favourite songs. Around a year after she died, I touched the wrong button while driving and her John Legend CD, that, had been in the car cd player the whole time, started playing that song. It brought a rush of tears to my eyes.

 

For anyone interested, I came upon this video and my interpretation of it is about the loss. Others may see it differently.

 

Thank you for sharing this it is beautiful.

[Autocharge]

On 6/27/2018 at 7:49 AM, Brandon Keener said:

I am really appreciative for the people on this site.  It really does help me understand that I am not alone in how I feel.

Hi Brandon,

Your post reminds me of my self. I too found my way to this sight for the same reasons you have mentioned above in your postings. It's been two years for me now. I have a lengthy post on this site. "Autocharge my experience " http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/10742-autocharge-my-experience/  

I hope you take the time to read it. I hope in doing so it may help you in some small way. I'll copy this post to my thread so that it will bump it to the front page for you.

Autocharge(moving forward "new normal")

 

[Brandon Keener]

Well I am back from a bittersweet vacation.  For the last 5 years, Christina, myself and our two daughters rented the same beach house with a couple friend from Iowa and their 4 children.  The weeks were always hectic with that many kids running around but we always had a blast.  We stayed right on the beach outside Panama City.

Well this year we were one short.  I drove from Charlotte to PCB with my kids in the back and me alone with my thoughts up front.  When we got to the beach, the overall excitement really made me feel better.  That lasted through the 4th and then Friday morning everything hit me like a ton of bricks.  I went from extreme highs to extreme lows.  Two things got me emotional:  One, I knew the trip was ending and two, my 17th wedding anniversary was Saturday.

So let's just say that I am finally crawling back to normal after 3 days of tears.  And resentment.  And anger.  And bitterness.  I am advancing in the Kubler-Ross stages of grief, and hit the anger stage hard along with a sprinkle of bargaining.  It's so weird.

Below is a pic I posted to Facebook on my anniversary Saturday.  The picture in the frame itself is from the funeral and I keep it with me where ever I go.  The location is from the deck of our beach house.  The actual picture was taken at the Hilton Hawaiian Village in Waikiki - August 2017.  What was only 11 months ago feels like an eternity.

 

[KayC]

VERY hard.  I'm glad you got some time away with friends, but oh how hard coming back.  Reality slamming the door shut in your face.  Your wife is beautiful, so is the view, I can only imagine your loss.

[Brandon Keener]

Hi folks:  It has been many months since this forum.  I have to say getting things out and having people respond who understand you is invaluable.  I dropped off the site for a few reasons I'll explain below.  These are things that helped me in the last 5 months (now  7 months without my CK).

Started a making videos - I saw a guy on youtube make a video from his car during his lunch break about his wife who had recently passed and was just heartbroken for him.  And I was in the same boat!  I made one myself, and it really helped me.  Only I don't share them.  Just for me.  I make them now roughly once a week, but for a while it was all the time.  It just helped to get the words and the emotions out.  It also helped me regulate my emotions.  At work and with the girls I would keep things bottled up and explode unpredictably.  Making a video (always in my car during commuting) gave me a safe space to let it all out.

Met a widow - I met a gal who was exactly like me.  44, executive, 10 & 13 YO boys, and husband died of cancer 2 years before my CK.  Tamara was a God thing.  She helped me in that she had more time on her side and could completely relate.  Both of us had the same drama issues with our in-laws post death, and both of us were trying to navigate relationships post the passing of our spouses.  I laugh because on paper she was ideal for me as something way more than a friend.  It's funny, I would have thought I would have latched on to anyone after spending 19 years with one person, but chemistry matters!  Just wasn't there, but she became someone I could really lean on.

Expanded my social network - I started broadcasting everything I was doing through Instagram and pushing that to FaceBook.  I wanted to let people know my girls and I were alive and thriving!  I became a lot more active with my social connections.  I sent 150 Christmas cards and then turned around and send New Years cards too.  Just knowing that people know we are alive and well really helped.

This last one is controversial - I started dating.  Once the numbness wore off I realized I needed companionship.  I had always had that with my CK.  I missed it.  I needed it, recognizing I was still crazy and there was no way I could have something serious.  I interacted with a lot of very nice women (all G rated!) and it reaffirmed for me that I have something to offer when the time is right and the person is right.  My widow friend above had miserable experiences dating - she wasn't ready first off, and the most serious guy she was with got sick of her talking about her dead husband all the time.  So I treaded lightly, and eventually found someone I really wanted to spend time with.

So fast forward to today.  7 months after CK's death, I am in a healthy monogamous relationship.  Is it too soon?  Not for me.  But just as everywhere I read, people question, and the only thing they can say is "as long as you're happy".  I get it.  How can months of separation in the most traumatic way replace years of marriage.  It can't.  I'm not trying to do that.  I know I've got a lot of time still before I am (mostly) through the grieving process.  I know the grieving never really stops.  But I am with someone who is willing to support me on my journey, and this woman is healthy for me.  That's all that matters.

So that is my update.  Happy New Year.

 

BK

[Sunflower2]

5 hours ago, Brandon Keener said:

someone who is willing to support me on my journey, and this woman is healthy for me. 

You are exactly where you need to be. This is your journey. Thoughts are with you in this new wholeness you have created for yourself Brandon! 

There is so much beauty to be shared when we find a healthy compatible companion.  The intimacy of companionship is such a beautiful thing to experience.  It is that special intimacy on all levels that I so deeply miss. 

[foreverhis]

12 hours ago, Brandon Keener said:

This last one is controversial - I started dating.

Hello.  As you can see, I'm pretty new to all of this and to this site.

I want to say that it is not controversial, at least as far as I'm concerned.  Please, I urge you not to think of it as anything other than a positive thing.  You are living the life that is right for you and your girls.  There is nothing wrong with that and no one should judge you for doing what makes your life better, richer, fuller.  Period.  In fact, the people in your life should encourage and support you.  If CK's parents or other family have a problem with it--let it remain exactly that, their problem.

My situation is different in that I'm older (60 last summer), our daughter is now a mama herself, and I had 35 wonderful years with my love.  I am, as we all are or have been, broken into little pieces.  I have no intention of having another relationship.  But that's what's right for me. 

I, for one, am happy to read that you are in so much better a place, allowing yourself to open up to another possible love.  It's clear that you will always love your CK.  Finding someone to share your life takes nothing away from that.  Actually, finding a woman who understands you and accepts you as you are is a blessing.

I send you all my best wishes and hopes that you continue to find peace, comfort, and love.  Don't we all deserve that?

[KayC]

I don't find it controversial at all, everyone handles their grief differently, I advise caution with dating while early and vulnerable, but it sounds like you have a good head about your shoulders and if it's working, that is great!  I'm also glad you found a good outlet in your videos.  I've shared about my FIL's experience, after 40 years of marriage, when mom passed, a month later he considered himself in love.  We had a hard time handling that but we made effort anyway, and the lady turned out to be a great companion to him for the rest of his life, roughly 30 years...they never married or lived together, but they took care of each other through surgeries, etc. and enjoyed bowling and pinochle with friends.  I talked with her after he died about his love for her and to my astonishment, he never told her!   

I wish you nothing but the best and hope you will drop in once in a while and let us know how you're doing.

[Glolilly]

@ Brandon Keener concerning phrase accepting someone on paper that looks the real thing after 19 years hit me. I've been guilty of feeling so desperate that I overlooked a lot of outward flaws to justify overweight tired uninterested church men who personality or chemistry just wasn't there. Funny how I thought when my husband and I joked I would get married quickly if something happened to him and I said the same about him. It's not that easy folks! Not that it can't be but it's rarer than I thought. I'm older, 60, and my sons at home are grown. So I can adjust either way, I tell myself. It's been 12 months now. Sigh. Award please. Being funny. Wow, I'm sorry your earlier widow friend isn't ready after 2 years. Mmmmh. Not judging just thinking on that statement, hoping that won't be me. Well experiences can be complex when you're not ready or go too fast. Too soon? It is an individual call but I will tell you after 5-6 months I thought I was good until I said goodbye to the new year, 2019. I broke down to my surprise and couldn't think on or want anybody else. I felt I thought the cup had emptied but it hadn't. Should I wait until it is empty? Not really because that could be years or never, But it should be empty enough to accept room for another person wherein we both benefit imo. A close friend is great during this process if they can be found. Good Luck and Happy New Year! Good Luck to myself as well. (Smiles)