Sudden loss of a cat

[Cinder]

Hi everyone (sorry for the really long text, kinda just writing what comes to mind so it's longer than I thought )

3 weeks ago I lost one of my cats, Luna.
Luna was something special. She was a pretty tuxedo cat, with some issues from the start. When I got her, she was nothing more than bag of bones, tiny and malnourished, vet wasn't even sure how old she actually was. Everyone told me she wouldn't make it to the next day but she did. She only trusted me and would hide from everyone else. Also didn't fully understood how to play, rather destroying her toys, easily spooked, easily stressed out (making her fur fly off when that happened) and very obsessed about food (due to being so malnourished) . Back then I was living with my ex-bf and her "sister" Shiva and a male cat (and another male that soon joined us). But we broke up and ex simply said "you can take the girls, I keep the boys". He didn't really care for Luna anyway so I wasn't about to leave her (or Shiva) there.

We moved back to my mom's house, took Luna some time to adjust but she was ok, still obsessed and not really playing with things. When my (new) boyfriend came over, Shiva was all over him but Luna wasn't, still hiding, she'd only started coming out of her spot for my mom after a year. 5 years later (she was around 7-8 at this time), I moved in with my bf in a small appartment, again more time needed to adjust while Shiva was just doing ok after a day. 
1 year later and Luna was still scared of other people but she was slowly opening up to my bf, whenever he'd make sandwiches, she was there, waiting for a piece of cheese. (became quite a habit, open the fridge, grab package of cheese and she'd come running) She was still destroying her toys untill I got this purple mouse toy from a whiskas bday package or something. Instant favorite toy. As if she finally realized how to play. That mouse went flying through the room, she was running and jumping, although she'd always look spooked when she realized we were looking at her and stopped playing as if she wasn't allowed. (took more time untill she stopped caring about it)

After that, she also started getting a bit of an attitude (probably also from watching her sister do whatever she feels like), she'd break into cupboards to sleep in, run onto the balcony when we left the door open, get into places where we wondered how she even got up there (she has always been a bad jumper and a scaredy cat), and while still going into hiding when we had company over, after about 30 mins she would emerge, climb her tower and watch people as if saying "i don't care who you are but this is my house". Like she finally learned how to be a cat. 
She also had a love-hate thing going on with Shiva, one day they would be sleeping together, the other day "fighting"; Shiva was the boss and never lost but at that point it didn't stop Luna from running over to her, whacking her on the nose and sprinting off. Ofcourse when she realized Shiva was coming after her, she'd come to me, meowing for help or letting her sit next to me. Usually she would be sleeping in her bed, showing up for food and a good deal of attention and cudddles. It was also pretty impossible to miss her around dinnertime because she'd meow your ears off. She also loved sititng on the chair infront of the door to the balcony. (perfect spot in the sun)

About a year ago, maybe a bit longer, she started having some kind of seizures. She'd go to sleep, and while waking up, she'd have a seizure, her paws and legs cramping and numbing, making her unable to move but that's all she tried. I would just hold her down, pet her and talk to her untill she snapped out of it. A minute later and she's perfectly fine, as if nothing happened. It only happened once a month or 2 so the vet said that, as long as it doesn't happen weekly/daily, it's not that bad. It never got worse than that (luckily), since she was so easily stressed out and hated the vet though, I didn't want to make her go through all the testing etc (unless it was needed ofcourse). 
For the past year, it was going pretty good, she was being a regular silly cat, playing/"fighting" with her sister and her toys (5years later, that purple mouse is still here, undamaged), cuddling whenever she wanted to and only occasionally having one of those seizures (which still never lasted more than a minute).

-- But then 3 weeks ago... I woke up for work, fed the cats, nothing wrong, she had puked a few times but it was really hot so figured it must've been because of the heat. (again with being easily stressed and still being food obsessed, she'd sometimes puke because of all that, so didn't think anything of it, no idea if it had to do anything with it either.)
Went to work, came back home around noon, still nothing wrong. As usual, she "asked" for the door to the balcony to open and putting her chair in front of it. (3rd picture is the last I took of her that day...) She enjoyed some cuddles and sitting in the sunshine, retreating to the door to the hallway after an hour or so to sleep.

After some time I heard her cough, so I ran to her, thinking she was choking or having a seizure. Her eyes were all grey and kinda empty, I started crying when it hit me that something was wrong. Begging her not to go, petting her, holding her. Few minutes later she was just gone. Her body limp, drool coming out of her mouth. In panic and still crying I called my mom and bf's mom, who rushed over. Called my bf, telling him what happened which freaked him out so he rushed home from work. Shiva came out of the other room, confused at the noise and me crying. Looked at Luna, got closer and sniffed her tummy and face, walked to the other side of the room and just sat there, watching her.

My MIL called the vet and she said we could bring her over to confirm but it was pretty obvious. (her eyes were empty and her mouth and nose had gone grey-blue and her paws were grey too so...) We could also bring her in so they can find out what happened but... That just costs a lot of money and it's not gonna bring her back and I didn't want them cutting her open and all that... The vet then asked what we wanted to do, bury her, cremation, bring her to them.... I said I didn't know so she gave me a number for a animal crematory. Eventually we just called them and we could bring her over and talk about what we want for her. So I put her in a box with 1 of her blankets, drove to the crematory, people were very nice there, talked about what was possible etc, they put her in another room on a pillow so we could say our goodbyes. 

Driving home was unreal, it was 5pm, normally we were getting our ears meowed off at that time for food and now we were driving home from the crematory. When we got home, Shiva was clearly grieving and she didn't leave our side at all, we also decided to let her on the bed during the night so she wouldn't be alone. 3 weeks later, she is still always near us (normally she'd be in the bedroom during the day) and sleeps with us at night, atleast she's playing a bit more now, although she does seem to miss chasing Luna around.. (After dinner she sometimes just stands around looking at spots where Luna used to sit or hide)

When we went to pick up the urn (book&kitty statue), we also got a pawprint in clay which is now sitting on the cabinet, along with her favorite purple mouse toy. First few days after, it was really difficult, I'd wake up thinking "I'd better go feed them before Luna starts scratching the door" or getting cheese out of the fridge and asking who wants a slice (Shiva doesn't care for cheese so...) Or waiting for Luna to come out of her spot when the door to the balcony opens... 3 weeks later I'm still having a hard time dealing with this. And some people just don't understand. The day after it happened, my bf went to work, someone asked him how he was doing, bf explained and the other guy just said "Oh but it's just a cat, get another one". Really? Even if you feel like that about pets, don't say something like that when someone just lost theirs. I went to work too but got sent home after an hour. Also had a few people ask me "so are you gonna get a kitten or adopt an oldie from the shelter, Shiva probably needs a friend", these people probably mean well but come on!! She wasn't even gone for 24 hours at that point. Seriously. Don't ask that or say stupid things when someone just lost a loved pet. And other pets need time to grieve too and possibly don't even want/need a new companion.

Some days I'm okay, other days I'm bawling my eyes out. This night I had a dream about her so I feel like a wreck again. I miss her so bad. But I can't get the image of her dying out of my head. I know that it just needs to time but damn... It's kinda "good" that it happened at home and while I was there (instead of me coming home and finding her or having to make the decision for her) and better for Shiva so she understands and doesn't have to look for her but ugh, why now, why so soon, she was going to be 13 this month.
Bf thinks the same but he said this might have slightly traumatized me, since I also saw our bearded dragon die in a seizure 2 years ago... And that too much is happening now without any time to really deal with everything. In 3 months time I lost my grandfather, my grandmum has been in the hospital 2x and is suffering from dementia, all this is also causing some family-drama, my father is in the hospital with heartfailure and if he doesn't change his ways, we might lose him and now I lost my little Luna. So yeah, now I'm scared about either losing my grandmum or that she forgets about me, scared about losing my dad and also kinda scared about Shiva. Even though nothing is wrong with her, she's also 13 y.o. and I'm just scared it'll happen all sudden like it did with Luna. I had an appointment to get her teeth cleaned but since they have to put her to sleep for that, I canceled it. I can't even think about taking that risk now. (even though her heart is fine etc, something can always go wrong, considering everything that's currently happening... No thanks.)

I get that this is all part of life and it just needs time but... It's difficult. Really difficult. I miss my kitty.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, it's just never easy.  She is beautiful, and from what you were describing, I was surprised at how healthy and beautiful she looks in her picture when I got all the way to the bottom of your post.  You can tell she had a good life with you, very caring Mom.

I've lost more people and animals than I can count. 13 years ago today I lost my husband.  Since then I've lost several cats, our dog, my mom, close friends, it seems the hits just keep on coming.  One thing you said about your BF's friend's remark...some people really just don't get how close we become with our pets, they are integral parts of our family.  They often call loss of pets disenfranchised grief, meaning that people don't give it it's just due, they seem to have a lack of understanding about it, not everyone being pet people.  But for those of us who are, we know how hard it is, one of the hardest losses there is to get through.  Our depth of grief is affected by many things, how much we loved them, how close we were, whether we lived together, in each other's daily lives, our daily interaction, all of these things affect how deeply we feel their loss and grieve.  

It takes much time to adjust...you've already notice how much your routine and daily interactions have been affected.  It's hard to get out cheese now with no one coming running to get her share.  And her poor sister, she's never known life without her, I'm glad you are so in tuned with her that you're aware of her needs even to the extent of letting her sleep with you, she needs that extra attention right now.

I don't know any way to speed up this healing process, if there was a way I would have found it by now, but there's no way through grief but straight through it, pain and all, that's all part of the processing and it takes time to make our way through it.  I'm glad you have someone in your life, by your side, going through it with you, that can help.

Keep coming here, we're listening.  Everything you're going through...we've been through it, we're here for you.  Your feelings of loss are immense and valid.  I pray comfort for you and your family.

[Cinder]

Thanks KayC and I'm sorry for all your losses.

We've always had pets so I have seen many pets come and go before but Luna and Shiva were the first pets that were my own. The others were all family pets and we were kids back then so, I don't know, maybe it was a bit different? It did hurt alot when we lost them but we didn't have to deal with the last vet-visit, seeing them go etc. (did get to say goodbye to some though) My mom even told us 2 simply ran away. (They were parttime outdoor cats so I still don't know whether they actually did run away or if they were brought to the vet or if something happened while they were out). It also has been like +18 years since so time does help... (possibly also not remembering some things after so much time though)

And sure, I totally understand some people just aren't pet-people and don't view them the way we do but still... shouldn't say something like "it's just a pet" to someone who is clearly grieving, Atleast our family and good friends do understand what it is like.

Shiva is sitting next to me on her cat bed as I'm typing. I'm just glad she's playing a bit more this week.
I got a tattoo of a nightingale for my grandfather, which kinda helps me a bit to cope with losing him and I'm thinking about having Luna's pawprint as a tattoo as well.
I feel a bit better now, being able to write this all down. It'll just take a lot of time. 
Thanks for listening (/reading)

[AJWCat]

I am so sorry for your loss. I went through something similar in that it was an out of the blue - sudden illness/death. It is very traumatic and everything you are experiencing I pretty much did as well. Getting those last moments out of your head is the worst. My brain replayed over and over like I was trying to "get it." I think it is part of the processing of the loss. Anyway, I know how much you miss you sweet kitty, what a face and my heart goes out to you. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Cinder said:

I totally understand some people just aren't pet-people and don't view them the way we do but still... shouldn't say something like "it's just a pet" to someone who is clearly grieving

Totally agree!  Our society could use some grief etiquette training.  I'd love to be the one to teach it to them!

19 hours ago, Cinder said:

I'm thinking about having Luna's pawprint as a tattoo

My daughter got a tattoo of her cat's pawprint by her ankle.  I kind of wonder if she'll add her subsequent cats' paws to it as they die, who knows.  She also has a tat as a memorial to a friend who died in his 20s, it's been over ten years.  I have one for my husband but had it put on my butt, so no one sees it, people my age weren't getting tats back then.

[MyJulius]

I read your story with tears in my eyes feeling the grief with every word you wrote. I lost my cat Julius 6 weeks ago and still cry about him. The first few weeks truly are the hardest. I felt like I was in a really dark tunnel with no end in sight, and I felt like my heart was going to break apart. Daily life still has its struggles for me and as the days go by I feel like I miss him more each day but time is slowly healing me.

Please know that there are people like me and others on here that have been in that exact same spot you are right now. We understand. It hurts and its awful. Our pets should just live forever and never be allowed to leave us.

However, you truly are an amazing individual with the amount of care you gave Luna. You did everything you could for her. 

All I can say is to take one day at a time. Cry as much as you need to, talk about her and remember the wonderful life you gave her. Each day will get a little bit better for you.

And I do believe our loved ones that have passed away watch over us and are by our side, they are just in a different form. Their physical bodies are no longer with us but they are still around, always with us.

[Cinder]

Thanks AJWCat and MyJulius, and I'm sorry for your loss too. 

We had a weekend-trip planned for a long time, so we decided to go anyway, considering Shiva was doing pretty good. (my MIL looked after her) but I felt kinda bad for her so we came home earlier. (weather wasn't that great anyway so, didn't miss out on much. In the end it was probably more for me to go home and be with her than she had problems with being alone )
And she has been sleeping on "their" chair again, but seeing the shape under the blanket on the chair, made me think it was Luna... Mind is still playing tricks sometimes, not really thinking about it all and suddenly seeing or hearing something and she's fully on my mind again. And I know that's normal but it messes me up a bit.
And silly enough, Shiva was never one to meow for food (at 6am and 5 pm) but she does it now. Not meowing-your-ears-off like Luna but still... kinda funny she's the one whining for food now.

Yesterday I've moved Luna's bed from under my desk to the hall, in a bag. I'm... not really ready to get rid of it or anything but I saw Shiva looking at it a few times when sitting in her bed. (hers is next to the desk), she doesn't go near it though, just as she is still not going near the top of the scratchpost. Someone told me it still has her scent so it might be better to move it? My boyfriend also keeps looking under my desk every time he passes by so... (also moving it for myself so I might stop thinking someone is gonna come out of that corner when I'm making a sandwich.)

Shiva has been looking a bit bored for a few days now (even though we play with her regularly), probably still grieving and missing her sister to chase after. More people suggested to get a new friend for her but to be honest, I don't think I'll be ready for that for a long time so... And yeah, I don't even know whether Shiva would like to have another friend or not... Not gonna think about all that yet. 
And I was going to the tattooshop for the pawprint but will have to wait for a few months now due to some financial stuff (car breaking down etc...) so a bit bummed about that. Might sound silly but the tattoo I got for my grandfather does help me cope with it so... gonna do the same for my little Luna. Just have to wait a bit longer now.


Added a picture of my pretty lady Shiva who is relaxing next to me.  

[KayC]

So beautiful, I love the colors!  I'm sorry about your car trouble too, been going through a lot of stuff like that myself lately (car, refrigerator, watch, illness, etc.)  Seems when it rains, it pours!

Maybe Luna used to do the meowing for food for both of them and now the other one has to do it for herself?  Just a thought.  All of those habits they had are now triggers in their absence.  So hard to get used to!