grief My love is no more.. or so they say..

[Love88AJ]

So... It's been four and a half months... And he still is in my dreams, alive. Then I wake up and I am like, oh. Ok. It's painful to go through that everyday. I keep thinking he is still around... I look for signals from him.. deliberately.. and sometimes I feel like he is communicating to me.. and then again, I am an emotional mess because I can't hold him... Talk to him.. tell him it will all be ok.. because it is not... We broke up a month before he passed away.. I didn't see him the last 40 days of him on Earth.. we were in touch..... And always in love... The last time I spoke to him, chatted with him was 10 days before that because we were talking about recording together.... He is a lovely man..... I can't say was.. it hurts to say was.. our mututal friends said there was not one day we didn't ask each other about the other..... He was in a lot of stress and I didn't want to stress him further..... It was sudden... I remember all his dreams.. His love and passion for life..... And it breaks my heart to know that it will never come true now.. there was this phase when I kept thinking I will make it all come true.... But the truth is, I am a different individual and he loved me for who I am.. Told me to never change.... I also suffer from major anxiety... And depression.. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for two years... She is very nice... But right now, nothing is seeming to help... I was always, always scared of losing the ones I love the most..... And I used to regularly check up on them.... And what I was scared of, happened so cruelly... He was just 27..... I don't understand..... He told me that just because we break up doesn't mean his feelings for me had changed.... He said he was just not in a position to be in a relationship... And if he ever wanted to live his life with anyone, it was me...... But now we will never know..... I love him from the bottom of my heart..... My soul.... And I know he loves me too..... I know it like I know I love him..... But how do I ever accept this actually happened and how will my hopes that he will come back to life/ that he is still alive stop? Because it's not possible right? I do yoga.. I teach.. I do music... But everything that I ever did, he did and we did it together and I miss him very very much...... I don't know what else to say...... 

 

 

I also keep trying YouTube hypnosis videos where you can connect to your guardian angels and such... I talk to him... All the time.... But I don't know if I really feel him or if I am deluded..... He is in my thoughts every moment...... I had to count back from 1000 to distract myself, even if a bit, from all the horrible thoughts haunting me... Of how I wish, I wish we all could have saved him somehow..... Social Media overwhelms me... I like connecting to nature more now...... I talk to the trees and rain...... I sort of lost belief in God..... I keep saying he is my God now.. he and my grandparents.. .and the nature... Umm..... Yeah..... Also I have become more addicted to TV series because I really can't stay quiet and not think about him.... I don't know.. I don't know.... The love of my life is gone..... Or so they say..... 

[Glolilly]

But how do I ever accept this actually happened and how will my hopes that he will come back to life/ that he is still alive stop? Because it's not possible right? I do yoga.. I teach.. I do music... But everything that I ever did, he did and we did it together and I miss him very very much...... I don't know what else to say.....

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5 hours ago, Love88AJ said:

But how do I ever accept this actually happened and how will my hopes that he will come back to life/ that he is still alive stop? Because it's not possible right? I do yoga.. I teach.. I do music... But everything that I ever did, he did and we did it together and I miss him very very much...... I don't know what else to say...... 

 

 

I also keep trying YouTube hypnosis videos where you can connect to your guardian angels and such... I talk to him... All the time.... But I don't know if I really feel him or if I am deluded..... He is in my thoughts every moment...... I had to count back from 1000 to distract myself, even if a bit, from all the horrible thoughts haunting me... Of how I wish, I wish we all could have saved him somehow..... Social Media overwhelms me... I like connecting to nature more now...... I talk to the trees and rain...... I sort of lost belief in God..... I keep saying he is my God now.. he and my grandparents.. .and the nature... Umm..... Yeah..... Also I have become more addicted to TV series because I really can't stay quiet and not think about him.... I don't know.. I don't know.... The love of my life is gone..... Or so they say..... 

it's hard but with some work, support and time (taking one day at a time instead of thinking so hard ahead) can help you recover and accept that this happened. I just finished reading a book called The Grief Recovery by John W. James and Russell Friedman. It's been close to 6 months for the loss of my husband and I believe the numbness is still there but actually is fading slowing away. I think it is a built in protection mechanism that is unique for each person. Grief can't be rushed or ignored. We will never understand the why's and what if's.  We are just humans governed by a higher being who can see more in depth than we can. 

We accept that this happened in the fact that they are longer here and the facts of the circumstances that surrounds their death, i.e. the medical reports, police reports, obituary, etc. We tell ourselves it must be true, I can read it, they only post real facts and so on. Our emotions don't want to accept what happened even though they are not here physically. 

Our minds and memories along with past videos and pictures fool our minds for a moment that he is still here. Patterns and routines in his daily living still is replayed in our thoughts. IT will take awhile to fade away. I don't know much about hypnosis but I am thinking that there is no "quick fix" in overcoming grief. It must be worked out, talked out and written out.  The book I mentioned spoke of recovering by acknowledging a completion letter in which you write things you apologize, forgive and salute to your person. You end the letter saying goodbye to the emotional incompleteness you felt with the loss and pain you held that held back acceptance and ability to move forward. 

I agree, Social Media is very overwhelming even in normal times. There's too much going on and very little personable connections imo. YouTube hypnosis needs to be tailored for you. They probably want to sell their services to tailor it to you. Try to remember the good thoughts and say them out loud. First you must work on your loss and second your loss in God. I think a local support group along with grief books would be very helpful. Please let us know how you are doing. 

[Love88AJ]

@Glolilly

 

Hello...... Thank you so much for your response..... I really appreciate it..... 

 

I have been reading books...... One I completed two months back is "Life After Life" by Dr.Raymond Moody...... It felt soothing at the particular moments I read the book...... I also have a workbook journal called Love Knows No Death, which is based on Cognitive Behavior Therapy...... It was actually working a bit..... But like anything else these days, I couldn't find it in me to complete it..... I should do that for sure..... And I will also check out the book you are talking about...... 

 

About writing letters, I have this journal specially for him..... I am a very expressive person..... So I write to him as and when I feel the need to..... But never wrote a goodbye note in particular..... Even the thought of it hurts..... Letting go is an option I am so scared to even consider...... 

 

And you are also right about thinking about too far ahead in the future..... With an anxious personality, this is like a given..... But yes, I can see what you are saying... It is more about the moment..... Right now, right here..... 

 

I have booked an appointment with a new grief counsellor this coming Monday... Apparently she used regression therapy, CBT, Hypnosis, other methods according to the requirement of the client...... The first therapy session is going to be me talking about my history to her and her telling me about how this therapy works..... I told her I don't want medication as I am already seeing a psychiatrist and am already on meds..... And I asked if it would be completely therapy based because I want to get to the root cause of so many of my issues..... If I feel comfortable with her, then I will follow up.... I know it takes time to open up and feel free with then and trust them since I have done it already before..... But anything to get better, right?..... 

 

I completely agree that there is no quick fix..... No way at all..... But sometimes, even a brief moment of peace, no ruminative thinking feels better than being constantly in pain... Emotionally..... 

 

Also, yes I do keep going back to his videos to make myself believe he is alive..... I think this is probably the opposite of what I should be doing... But grieving is a process that we all do differently I understand..... When I feel scared that I am not able to feel him, I watch his videos.... It does fool me... It does.... I see what you are saying... 

 

I will definitely let you know about how my therapy goes... 

 

I am very thankful for your insight..... It gives some solace to be a part of a group that really understands what it is like..... ❤️

 

 

[KayC]

On 6/18/2018 at 7:29 AM, Love88AJ said:

He told me that just because we break up doesn't mean his feelings for me had changed.... He said he was just not in a position to be in a relationship... And if he ever wanted to live his life with anyone, it was me

Take him at his word.  He meant it.  He knew he had some things to work out within himself, it was about him, it wasn't about you, the love remained.  I am sorry for your loss.  You say you're seeing a psychiatrist, that's not the same as a grief counselor though, I hope you will also see a grief counselor that can help you through this.  I'm sorry he's gone, so young, so wrong, so many here going through this way too young, I guess death doesn't know age.  It doesn't know our plans.  It doesn't hold off because of the love we have for each other.  Death feels like a robber.  I know life as we see it does not end, it transforms into what is next, something we'll all go through when it comes for us, but you'll meet again.

[Love88AJ]

56 minutes ago, KayC said:

Take him at his word.  He meant it.  He knew he had some things to work out within himself, it was about him, it wasn't about you, the love remained.  I am sorry for your loss.  You say you're seeing a psychiatrist, that's not the same as a grief counselor though, I hope you will also see a grief counselor that can help you through this.  I'm sorry he's gone, so young, so wrong, so many here going through this way too young, I guess death doesn't know age.  It doesn't know our plans.  It doesn't hold off because of the love we have for each other.  Death feels like a robber.  I know life as we see it does not end, it transforms into what is next, something we'll all go through when it comes for us, but you'll meet again.

 

Thank you so much..... He always said the same things too..... That he had to work out stuff for himself..... Family things..... I do feel cursed.... I think of all his vulnerable moments with me and it pains me..... I remember him telling me that he wishes that there is at least one night before he sleeps that he feels at peace..... And that that was lacking in his life..... I feel upset on behalf of him that he didn't get a chance to live peacefully....... With much less things to worry about..  I feel upset for myself that I lost my love..... My first love... I am 26 and he is/was 27.... For some reason he always kept telling me that he won't always be there and I have to learn to not be so codependent because it would hurt me... I am sure he meant in a way where we might not have ended up together probably... But this is such a cruel way life had to show it... He was so excited to start this year...... He always was very motivated... But stress took a toll on him..... A beautiful soul..... He would always ask me how do you know... He wouldn't believe it.. I would tell him, I just know.. I just do.. I love you.. He would doubt his worth and I would just love him... And he did the same for me when I felt like I was not worth it... He would say, look me in the eye when you talk.. you are no less than anybody in this world and don't let anyone make you feel that way..... The last month of him here, he told me I am the strongest human being he had ever met... He always had the nicest things to say about me.. and he genuinely felt it.. I felt so loved.. because I was loved.... Because he cared for me like nobody ever did..... And he never ever expected anything in return..... He just wanted me to grow.. he would tell me, you unleash your potential and you will know what I am talking about... Work wise.. but I was always more of a personal life person.. he was everything to me.. he would infact not like it that I would leave everything at the drop of a hat for him.. he would say that is not healthy.. but love is love... And I love him.. I want to hold him because I know how happy he used to feel..... Like you have just handed candy to a child..... Like he was surprised someone can love him so much..... I love him.. my soul and his will always remain together.. a part of me is with him... And a part of him is with me.. always and forever.. he changed my life when we met.. my life changed after he left this world... An unexpected cardiac arrest.. 

 

I have fixed an appointment with a grief counsellor this coming Monday..... Because doing it by myself is so hard... 

[KayC]

I am so glad to hear you're getting a grief counselor.  It sounds like you were two wounded souls trying to heal each other. Gosh, it's hard, I'm so sorry  Everyone wants peace, I wish he'd known it could be had.  You are right that a part of him remains with you, when we have an exchange in our lives like the one you had, it changes you and is part of you, that's how it was with George and I as well. 27 is so young to die, especially of a heart attack.

[Love88AJ]

On 6/20/2018 at 7:29 PM, KayC said:

I am so glad to hear you're getting a grief counselor.  It sounds like you were two wounded souls trying to heal each other. Gosh, it's hard, I'm so sorry  Everyone wants peace, I wish he'd known it could be had.  You are right that a part of him remains with you, when we have an exchange in our lives like the one you had, it changes you and is part of you, that's how it was with George and I as well. 27 is so young to die, especially of a heart attack.

All the love that I had/have to share with him... I don't know what to do with it..... I cant hold him... I can't see him.. I can't hear him.. and if I do try, I get lost in my own world.. and it still ends up in sadness because I still cannot see him..... I can feel him.... But everybody is telling me that he is gone.. how can that be.... I want him back.. and I can't stop feeling it... There was so much we had to do together... So many plans... A beautiful home.. a musical home.. now one half of that plan doesn't even exist on this Earth or so they say.. I do keep telling myself that I will see him in the after life... But what if it is after a very long time?..... Each day is excruciating to say the least..... I feel incredibly lost without him.. incomplete.. I love him.. I am in love with him... But I keep avoiding our memories all together because it fools me... That we can have that.. and if I avoid it for too long it's like someone is hurling bricks at me at full force.. it hurts....

[KayC]

I hear your pain, it's excruciating at this point, I remember it, it's something I will never forget.  I've learned to coexist with my grief, it's part of me now.

I hope you'll print this for reference, not all will resonate with you at once, but different parts of it will on different parts of your journey.  Keep it to read every few months.  I wrote it based on what I've learned in the first 12 years of my journey.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Love88AJ]

Update - I want to know if this is a common experience?....

 

Do your friends going through the loss of the same person(your lover) as a brother, best friend, etc., for the few months after their passing away, slowly keep moving away, even if you were very close to them as well because of a common observation from all friends is that your aura/vibe is sort of negative and a big reminder of what they've lost too?..... Honestly, I feel like now I am grieving the loss of my best friends too... Some of them say it's nothing like what I think is actually going on and some of them told me they need their space and they think it's good for both the parties to heal separately first in order to be able to help each other... By nature I am a people person.. I love to be around love... It's been more than one and half months since my best friend (his sister) has spoken to me.. she is like family to me . And same time since I have met their pet who I am so in love with... I start getting feelings like maybe I was never family to her... Which may not be true.. because she is going through a huge loss herself.. but what if I am not?.. I suddenly have no contact to anything that was stable in my life.. the only reason I am getting through this is my parents, sister and a few friends who don't want to be rid off me yet.. but mostly what I keep hearing is the more you keep talking about him sadly, the more people will keep moving away from you because it's like a fresh wound to them too.. but how do I just talk normal things if I am not even given the chance to do it? How can I be a positive/ calming person if I am not even allowed to be there for them/ with them.. this is the lonliest I have felt in a long time/ ever..... Is there something I should be doing that I am not? I am working regularly.. I teach kids... I workout as much as I can.. I am seeing a psychiatrist.. going to see someone for REBT/CBT tomorrow.. in the city that I live, there doesn't seem to be a particular therapist for grief Counselling.... I know these are a lot of questions.. I would love some help please.....