My life is a mess since he's been gone

[vernkathy]

I signed up and posted here shortly after my husband passed away. I couldn't remember my user name or password and simply couldn't get back on. I have been reading all of your post as a guest I guess. My husband, the love of my life, passed away the end of December 2017. I am at the 6 month mark. I can't believe it. It doesn't matter if he dropped dead suddenly or had an illness where you pretty much know he's going to die, it still is such a shock. You say to yourself, "Why is this a shock when you knew he was very ill." All the signs were there. He even hinted around about it. I didn't want to listen or talk about it because he may give up if we acknowledge that this might be the end. I needed to keep positive and keep fighting. Well now all I can think about is I wish we would have talked about the end. I wish I would have told him how much I would miss him and that I didn't want him to go.  I left the hospital that day with you in such a disoriented state. The nurses convinced me to go home and get some rest, but I was going to just get cleaned up and back up there. No sooner than I got in the door they called me and said they had to move you to intensive care and I heard them say we need to vent him now. They asked me if I was his power of attorney and could they vent him. I said yes because I needed you to be alive when I got back there. That was the last time I heard your voice even though you were to live another few days. The nurses said the only reason they put you on the vent was because you were heading for a crash. Your heart rate was like 100 something and you were having trouble breathing. They were hitting you with every antibiotic and your body just gave out. I told the doctors to just give me Christmas day. To keep your comfortable until my family finished dinner and gifts for the grandkids. Then we all came back to the hospital and everyone came in and talked to you and wished you a happy birthday. Then I told the family that you were not getting better and we were going to have to take you off the vent and let you go. Your kidneys were failing and I new you weren't coming back. When we first got to the hospital, before you were on the vent, you told me you were sorry things turned out this way. I asked you what you meant and you said we had a good thing. I told you we still did. I think you were trying to tell me you were reaching the end, and I didn't want to acknowledge that. I wished I would have now.

Well all of you have now heard the story of the end of my husbands life. We would have celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary this last February 13th.  How do I ever go on. My heart is literally broken. I have had several A-FIB incidents. I really don't want to live anymore. I was his helpmate, I loved taking care of him and cooking for him and making sure he took his meds and taking him to the doctors. How do I live without him. I feel worse now than when it happened. Please someone who knows how this feels tell me it is going to get better.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, vernkathy said:

Why is this a shock when you knew he was very ill

Because the finality setting in IS a shock, no way to avoid it.  There's no way to prepare ourselves for their death. 

In August 2014 my mom passed away.  Why is her loss hitting me harder NOW than back then?  As more time goes by, I miss her more.  I have missed my husband each and every day for 13 years.  The one person who would understand my feelings is my mom, she lived with my dad's absence 32 years after he died.  But now she's gone too.  It leaves you feeling very alone.

I remember your story.  I'm sorry you lost your username and password, it seems the moderators should be able to email you with that information but sometimes it's hard getting a response, it's a pretty big site with a lot of traffic.  My other site the adm/mod would email you that.  Do you know when you first signed on, how long after his death, to look through the posts around that time?  It can be like looking for a needle in a haystack if you only posted once or twice though.

I want to give you my tips that I've learned through the years...not all will feel applicable to you right now but print it for reference and look it over every couple of months or so to see if something resonates with you or speaks to you about what you're currently feeling.  You will eventually adjust as much as you can and you will hone your coping skills, you will learn to do life without him as impossible as it seems, but it will never feel the same because you will continue to love and miss him and your life is forever altered from what it was before.  It won't always feel the intensity that it is right now though.  At about six months is the time when shock wears off and reality sets in, it can be one of the hardest times on our journey, but you will get through this, and we will be here for you if you want us to.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

 

[vernkathy]

Thank you Kay C, because of financial concerns I went back to work after my three days. I work at a hospital in registration, but I work evenings and I work on a floor where I am the only one in that position. I sit and wait for someone to come in to be seen and then go and register them.  I was okay with this before he died. He would call me in the evening and we would talk. I hate it now because I am already alone, now I sit all night by myself. I am running out of insurance money and I have an adult child who has a disability living with me. He has had many friends pass away from overdose. Now his Father has passed and he isn't handling it well at all. I also am suffering many health issues. Why does it seem once he passed away everything in my house is falling apart and I have no one to do the work. Financially I am struggling just to meet the living expenses.  I am angry at myself for not being wise in our finances years ago. Now I am almost at the cliff, falling off.  Well glad I got back on here and I have read your tips many times now just visiting the site. Yesterday was very hard on me and I cried all day and couldn't sleep. Thanks for the prayers I need them.

[Glolilly]

I hit my 6 month mark as well with the loss of my husband from a sudden death in front of me. Yes, it will get better with some grief work. Grief work is talking with someone who will listen to your daily feelings, writing out what you wanted to say before he died and maybe participating in a group or with a counselor.  I'm sure most of us would have probably accepted him saying he was sorry that things didn't turn out as planned. I would have fought to the last second as well because the last thing to go is hope and miracles which is possible. Things can happen so quickly in a hospital environment and one can be easily distracted with paperwork and so on. You acted as any good wife wife would have behaved during these chaotic turn of events. But I think you can write out all of your feeling in a letter stating you want to be forgiven for not listening or acknowledging his words. Also include all the wonderful things he meant to you along with some of the marriage struggles. 

It's fair to say that you have much time on your hands from the loss of being a caregiver. You must take care of yourself first, focus on the loss maybe for short periods of time during the day, join a support group in your area. 

God left you here because he loves us the most and takes us when we are perfect to be picked and we come into this world on a individual basis. It is rare for both husband and wife to be taken together at the same time. So we must finish our journey until we too must cross over unto the other side into His Arms.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, vernkathy said:

Thank you Kay C, because of financial concerns I went back to work after my three days. I work at a hospital in registration, but I work evenings and I work on a floor where I am the only one in that position. I sit and wait for someone to come in to be seen and then go and register them.  I was okay with this before he died. He would call me in the evening and we would talk. I hate it now because I am already alone, now I sit all night by myself. I am running out of insurance money and I have an adult child who has a disability living with me. He has had many friends pass away from overdose. Now his Father has passed and he isn't handling it well at all. I also am suffering many health issues. Why does it seem once he passed away everything in my house is falling apart and I have no one to do the work. Financially I am struggling just to meet the living expenses.  I am angry at myself for not being wise in our finances years ago. Now I am almost at the cliff, falling off.  Well glad I got back on here and I have read your tips many times now just visiting the site. Yesterday was very hard on me and I cried all day and couldn't sleep. Thanks for the prayers I need them.

I can imagine how hard it is...I too have had struggles since my husband died.  He had just taken down our 40' ramp (the place is on a hill so the ramp went the side of the house around to the back where it met the back patio.  It's how I get firewood up to the house) when he died and we had $120 dollars in the bank.  My sister paid for the cremation, I had nothing. A friend of ours rebuilt the ramp from used lumber as a favor to his buddy, George.  A few years later I had to replace it, it cost $1,000 and I also needed a new roof $4000, discovered this the week I retired because I lost my job for the third time during the recession...and discovered there really is age discrimination.

Life can be so darn hard, yet somehow I'm surviving it.  Not sure how good that is, I'd just as soon be with George, but it shows it can be done.  I'm glad you're here for your son, it sounds like he needs you.  I keep going mostly because my pets need me.  

Today it's 13 years since George passed.  I've aged so much since then.  

[LeannC45]

KayC, 

I can relate to the issues you have had since you lost your husband even though I am so new in my journey. For some reason you think "Surely God won't give me any more burdens to carry, because I lost my husband".....But that isn't the way it works. Life just keeps on coming with all of it's ups and downs. I don't think I have ever been more aware of how hard it is to find joy sometimes. Figuring life out is so hard. I have spent more time praying and talking to myself then ever in my life. When I am in the car I turn down the radio so I can talk to myself. Sometimes I do find humor in all the weird things I need to do to get through my days. If I listen to the radio I can only manage a song or two and then it's right back to the news. If I watch a love scene on TV I feel so overwhelmed because I cannot be held in that way by my husband. I know what you mean about feeling like the grief ages you. I am 45 and since my husband passed away I do feel like it has aged me. I feel drained and when I look in the mirror the pain that I carry is definitely on my face. I feel like I just don't carry the light I use to have so of course it has changed my appearance. Obviously as a woman that causes me grief too. I literally feel physically and emotionally like I have fallen apart. 

[KayC]

The harder it is to find joy, the harder we have to look for it...when we find it, no matter how small, none is too trivial, we embrace it for what it is, we learn the value of appreciating what is today so that nothing is bypassed or overlooked, it teaches us to live in the present so we can live what life there is more fully.  

Oh yeah, I get the talking to yourself!  I wonder sometimes what the neighbors think when I catch myself doing it when I'm out walking my dog!  They surely know no one talks to their dog THAT much!  Or they pity my poor dog!

 

[LeannC45]

49 minutes ago, KayC said:

The harder it is to find joy, the harder we have to look for it...when we find it, no matter how small, none is too trivial, we embrace it for what it is, we learn the value of appreciating what is today so that nothing is bypassed or overlooked, it teaches us to live in the present so we can live what life there is more fully.  

Oh yeah, I get the talking to yourself!  I wonder sometimes what the neighbors think when I catch myself doing it when I'm out walking my dog!  They surely know no one talks to their dog THAT much!  Or they pity my poor dog!

 

OMG, that is what I mean in finding humor. Your dog has probably seen and heard it all. I have actually thought about getting a dog sometime in the future.

[vernkathy]

KayC, First I want to tell you that I am so sorry about your loss. Your husband was a very handsome man. Thirteen years is a long time to live without the love of your life.

LeannC45, I work evenings at a hospital. My husband died in the ICU one floor down from where I work.  When I leave the hospital I talk to him all the way to my car. I cry and talk all the way home, which is about a 40 minute drive.  I have wondered about being seen talking to myself.

Just a couple of hours ago I was looking in the mirror and thought how old I look.  My husband was 20 years older than me.  He would have been 80 June 13th.  He never seemed as old as he was. Most people were shocked when they learned how old he was.  I think that's why I had such a hard time believing he was as sick as he was. He had cancer 22 years ago and I prayed that he would live until our four year old son was 18. Well God exceeded that. My son is now 28. About two and a half years ago he noticed a knot in his groin. Long story short the cancer returned. Along with that we learned his previous chemo caused a condition that causes your platelets to die before getting in the bloodstream. That's what got him at the end. He also had COPD. My husband worked up until last August 7 my birthday. He said he couldn't stand to not work, plus we needed the money. I pray a lot too. I really want to get another dream a happy dream where he tells something good.  I feel so alone.   You know we could be in the same house and doing different things, I knew he was there if I needed him.  I was his helpmate. I just don't know who I am.  As far as my son goes, he has many mental and emotional problems since childhood. He struggles socially and is very depressed. He told me he feels like a failure and that he is letting his Dad down and me also.  He won't go and get treatment, he says it won't work to talk to someone. He has so much anger pent up inside it scares me. I love him and his Dad did two. He has a condition called Central Auditory Processing Disorder. He hears very well but things get distorted. To look at him he looks like a tall strong young man. This led to drugs and he just can't get straightened. My husband and I prayed and have tried everything to help him. Now my husband left me to handle him on my own. I get scared he might hurt himself. Well it helps to write these things down.

KayC, Have you ever meant any of the people on this grief sight?  Working evenings I can't join a support group. I also am limited in doing enjoyable things like the movies or getting with others. Just wondered if you ever got together with anyone who you've conversed with through the years.  I don't really want to live for thirteen more years without him.  

[KayC]

Some of the people I've known on the grief forums I've tried to meet, but they pulled back on their ends, not sure why, I guess they wanted to keep it virtual.  But I've become very very close to some of them.  One of them even offered to fly me out to an art auction we were putting on in AZ to benefit griefhealing.com (it's dependent on donations), I would have loved to have gone but had no one to watch my dog (he's a special needs dog with Separation Anxiety and Colitis, I have to cook for him).  I have another friend in AZ that wants me to come visit her, I have friends all over that I've gotten very close to.

You don't feel like living the 13 years without him right now, don't even think about that, I know I couldn't have taken that in, that's for sure!  Just do today.  Then get up and do it all over again. Today is enough to concern yourself about, it's enough to try to get through.  I still have to do that.  We do what we have to do to get through this.

You say you don't know who you re.  You were his helpmate, who are you now?  You are you.  The same you that you always were.  But you'll never be the same person you were before you met him.  And you won't likely remain the same person after experiencing this loss.  We evolve but we incorporate everything we go through into us.  You will take him with you, all that you learned from him, who you became as a result of having him in your life, that is not destroyed, that is still part of you.  I take those treasures with me, George is very much a part of me and my life, even though he can't physically wrap his arms around me anymore, even though I can't audibly hear his beautiful voice, he's with me.

I'm sorry for the struggles your son goes through and you with him.  I wish he would get help because it could open the doors to your getting assistance with him, and I hope he's getting disability?   It's a lot of you to deal with on your own.  Have you tried getting help for yourself in dealing with this?  I know you say you work evenings, is there nothing available in the daytime?

[LeannC45]

Last night I had my first dream of my husband that felt so real. I woke up crying a couple times because I have been waiting for him to visit me. Although my dream was very bizarre things happening that had nothing to do with my husband he was there. I remember hugging him and kissing him and crying to him. I woke up feeling shock again that he is gone. I just feel sorry for my husband. We were raising our grand kids that are 3 and 4 when he passed. We had so many plans with them and so many plans for our future. Now the kids are back with their Mom and it is just my son & I. I went from a busy house of all boys to a quiet house with just me most of the time. My son has his own life and is hardly ever home. I miss the chaos of raising toddlers, I miss my husband coming in the front door from work and saying "Where's Papa's boys?" and then they would both go running to give my husband a hug and a kiss. I just miss my old life that is no more.

[vernkathy]

15 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

Last night I had my first dream of my husband that felt so real. I woke up crying a couple times because I have been waiting for him to visit me. Although my dream was very bizarre things happening that had nothing to do with my husband he was there. I remember hugging him and kissing him and crying to him. I woke up feeling shock again that he is gone. I just feel sorry for my husband. We were raising our grand kids that are 3 and 4 when he passed. We had so many plans with them and so many plans for our future. Now the kids are back with their Mom and it is just my son & I. I went from a busy house of all boys to a quiet house with just me most of the time. My son has his own life and is hardly ever home. I miss the chaos of raising toddlers, I miss my husband coming in the front door from work and saying "Where's Papa's boys?" and then they would both go running to give my husband a hug and a kiss. I just miss my old life that is no more.

LeannC45,

I had only one dream and it was so real and heart wrenching, I woke up with my heart in AFIB.I actually felt him kiss me and his touch. I told him I didn't want him to go and he replied  "I don't want to go." I miss him so much. Look at the dream as he is out there watching and loving you. I am praying for all of us. This is so incredible hard. I looked at your angel date and it was thirteen days after my husband. We are walking this path in the same time frame. Hold on tight.

 

[LeannC45]

7 hours ago, vernkathy said:

LeannC45,

I had only one dream and it was so real and heart wrenching, I woke up with my heart in AFIB.I actually felt him kiss me and his touch. I told him I didn't want him to go and he replied  "I don't want to go." I miss him so much. Look at the dream as he is out there watching and loving you. I am praying for all of us. This is so incredible hard. I looked at your angel date and it was thirteen days after my husband. We are walking this path in the same time frame. Hold on tight.

 

I am really so sorry for your loss. I was thankful for the dream but yesterday I had anxiety and I was extremely irritable and sensitive all day. It really sent me in a state of shock again. I know I should just be thankful I had a dream with him in it but then I woke up and realized my nightmare is still true. JUST SO HARD.

[vernkathy]

I understand. Even little things send me into tears and inner pain. I did not mean to say that you are wrong in how you felt about the dream. Just trying to say maybe you were allowed to have that brief moment when he was with you. I did get a little peace after the dream. After a trip to the ER for my heart which by the way was fine when I got there. It is very Hard. From what I am told we have many more hard days ahead. Just know that I am here to tell you I care and know how you feel because I am experiencing some of the same things. Everyone experiences this many different ways.  Hope today will be a good or at least a better day for you.

[LeannC45]

9 minutes ago, vernkathy said:

I understand. Even little things send me into tears and inner pain. I did not mean to say that you are wrong in how you felt about the dream. Just trying to say maybe you were allowed to have that brief moment when he was with you. I did get a little peace after the dream. After a trip to the ER for my heart which by the way was fine when I got there. It is very Hard. From what I am told we have many more hard days ahead. Just know that I am here to tell you I care and know how you feel because I am experiencing some of the same things. Everyone experiences this many different ways.  Hope today will be a good or at least a better day for you.

Don't worry I knew what you meant and I thank you for reaching out. I hope you have a good day too. ;o)

[KayC]

22 hours ago, vernkathy said:

After a trip to the ER for my heart which by the way was fine when I got there. It is very Hard

That had to be scary!  I'm glad you are okay.  I hope you have a Cardiologist that is keeping a close eye on your heart.  One of George's last requests of me was that I get my heart checked (heart trouble and strokes run in my family)...I think he knew it was too late for him but he wanted me to live...I had a stress test and passed with flying colors.  Still, it'll probably be my heart that gets me.

[vernkathy]

36 minutes ago, KayC said:

That had to be scary!  I'm glad you are okay.  I hope you have a Cardiologist that is keeping a close eye on your heart.  One of George's last requests of me was that I get my heart checked (heart trouble and strokes run in my family)...I think he knew it was too late for him but he wanted me to live...I had a stress test and passed with flying colors.  Still, it'll probably be my heart that gets me.

Yes I have a cardiologist. AFIB runs in my family as well. The problem is my doctor and I believe that my heart goes into AFIB when I am stressed. He has been unable to catch it. It has been caught in the passed and rights itself with out medication. I also have 40% blockage in Three arteries in the lower lobe of my heart. We are monitoring this. It's just so hard this grief. I want to ask my husband how he felt about his impending death. Questions now I can't ever have answered.  I would like to know what he really wanted for me after his death. Everyone always says, "He wouldn't want you to be sad." He would want you to go on and be Happy." I really wonder about that though. The reason I say that is I know that I didn't like the thought of him just going on after my death. Such a jumble of thoughts and emotions. Bottom line I just don't want to go on without him. I have to, I realize, but happy, I don't know about that ever again. He was my soul mate the person I believe God had for me. The age difference never an issue, except when it came to his death. We figured he would go first just because he was so much older. I hope your day is going well. I have been under the weather the last two days. Doctor is checking for auto immune conditions. Wide spread pain with low grade temp. Gotta run. Thanks for listening and being there for me and others in the journey.

[KayC]

You're really going through a lot right now, it's hard to be objective with so much on your plate.  It's important to give ourselves permission to be happy.  Not that we'll ever feel like we did before the die, but I'm talking about even momentary glimpses of "happy".  I have learned to embrace whatever joy comes my way because I need it!  It's not dishonoring to them to enjoy a moment here and there!  We need it as human beings.  Please remember it is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.

I hope you start feeling better...I've had a very hard month, not only physically but with everything going wrong, my car, my watch, my refrigerator, gosh why all at once!  It can feel overwhelming.

[vernkathy]

On ‎6‎/‎23‎/‎2018 at 7:38 AM, KayC said:

You're really going through a lot right now, it's hard to be objective with so much on your plate.  It's important to give ourselves permission to be happy.  Not that we'll ever feel like we did before the die, but I'm talking about even momentary glimpses of "happy".  I have learned to embrace whatever joy comes my way because I need it!  It's not dishonoring to them to enjoy a moment here and there!  We need it as human beings.  Please remember it is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.

I hope you start feeling better...I've had a very hard month, not only physically but with everything going wrong, my car, my watch, my refrigerator, gosh why all at once!  It can feel overwhelming.

Well on the 27 of this month at 5:25 am you took your last breaths and we said goodbye. Six months, wow.  I feel like I am in a time warp of sorts. I think this grief is going to kill me. I have been going to the doctor trying to get my health better, but I thought to myself, why? You should just let yourself go and then you can be with him quicker. Silly isn't it. The doctors ran a bunch of blood work everything normal. How can I have all this fatigue and pain all over my body and nothing be wrong.  I know, I know, its grief. Well on the way home from work I was listening to his favorite old country station, the song by Patsy Kline came on "Faded Love". The chorus goes, "I miss you darlin, more and more everyday. As heaven would miss the stars above. With every heartbeat I still think of you and remember our faded love. That's how I feel. I hope everyone out there is hanging in there what choice do we have. My love, I do miss you more and more.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, vernkathy said:

I thought to myself, why? You should just let yourself go and then you can be with him quicker.

It's called "passive suicide".  I've known people who have felt that way and I get that, but I'd rather find something to live for, some way to make it through this.  It's common to feel that way in the early months, it's just really a lot to digest, such a shock to our system, none of us asked for this!

[Cls]

On 6/19/2018 at 10:48 AM, LeannC45 said:

KayC, 

I can relate to the issues you have had since you lost your husband even though I am so new in my journey. For some reason you think "Surely God won't give me any more burdens to carry, because I lost my husband".....But that isn't the way it works. Life just keeps on coming with all of it's ups and downs. I don't think I have ever been more aware of how hard it is to find joy sometimes. Figuring life out is so hard. I have spent more time praying and talking to myself then ever in my life. When I am in the car I turn down the radio so I can talk to myself. Sometimes I do find humor in all the weird things I need to do to get through my days. If I listen to the radio I can only manage a song or two and then it's right back to the news. If I watch a love scene on TV I feel so overwhelmed because I cannot be held in that way by my husband. I know what you mean about feeling like the grief ages you. I am 45 and since my husband passed away I do feel like it has aged me. I feel drained and when I look in the mirror the pain that I carry is definitely on my face. I feel like I just don't carry the light I use to have so of course it has changed my appearance. Obviously as a woman that causes me grief too. I literally feel physically and emotionally like I have fallen apart. 

 

[Cls]

My handsome husband and very humble left 8 years ago and I don’t know who I am. I’m lost and have severe anxiety and depression. It will not go away. 

I’d do anything to be with him one more day. God bless all. 

 

Cindy

[KayC]

Oh Cindy,  eight years, I can relate, it's been 13 for me, no it doesn't end.  I hate for anyone newer here to read this and think OMG, there's no hope!  There is, we do learn to adjust as much as possible, we learn to carry on for ourselves and do what needs to be done (functionality), and I have created a life for myself I can live, I've found purpose in helping others going through it, I volunteer with the senior site and am treasurer for my church plus am on the praise team that leads worship in song, and lead a grief support group.  My life is nothing like it was before though.  We were so close, we enjoyed camping together, he was very family oriented, I just miss him so much and that part will never go away or abate.

I do hope you're in contact with your doctor and getting help for the anxiety and depression.  I too have anxiety and am on medication for it, but it's a safe drug lowest dose, it just takes the edge off so I can cope, I still have sleep issues due to it.  Life can be a struggle and we owe it to ourselves to equip ourselves with what we need for getting through it in the most positive way we can.