Members Nicole-my grief journey Posted June 17, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 17, 2018 Feeling overwhelmed with emotions again. They never go away, but because I’m in a critical situation trying to keep my mom alive, my grief regarding “B” has been on the back burner. Every night on my way home from the hospital I have to drive past my brothers apartment where I found him. After feeling the pull towards it every day for weeks, I pulled over and stood outside it. I cried and and remembered things I had tucked away in my mind all these months. Although so much trauma happened there, I feel like I could have stood there for hours. I feel like I just want to be inside there where he was. Sit on his porch and so many other things. I can’t explain it. It’s like gravity was pulling me towards it. It’s all so fresh again and emotions have been bubbling up inside me. My entire being and soul are broken. I need him, miss him, my heart is broken and it feels like I’m deeper into realizing he’s truly gone. He is the only one who understood me and I him. My heart physically hurts. I feel so alone in it all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members reader Posted June 18, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 18, 2018 Dear Nicole, Sending you love and hugs. Please know that everything you are feeling and thinking is normal and part of your grief journey. I know its really hard. I know how much we still need our loved ones and wish they could still be here with us. Thinking of you, my friend. Please know we are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gigi1959 Posted June 21, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 21, 2018 I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I just lost my sister on April 4th... today is 11 weeks she has been gone. She was not just my sister, but my best friend. She knew me better then I knew myself. My heart breaks everyday and sometimes I still cannot believe she is gone. She is the last thing and first thing I think about when I sleep. I know the loneliness you feel. Even though I talk to her husband everyday, when I stop talking about her the dread sets in, it feels like a pit in my stomach. I can tell you that you are not alone in your feelings and I want you to know that I hear you and understand. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nicole-my grief journey Posted June 23, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted June 23, 2018 Gigi1959 and Reader thank you for your replies. Sending you so much love. My heart goes out to you on the loss of your sister. It’s more than heartbreaking and I appreciate you sharing your feelings with me and everyone on here. That first moment when you open yours eyes in the morning and become aware of the reality all over again is so painful. And then nighttime when your brain normally would be winding down, there is silence and you’re again face to face with the rawness of the loss. I also find it hard as of late, when others don‘t speak of my brother. Or they roll over the topic him or things he had a connection to. I was at dinner with friends the other night and they were talking about his ex wife as if I wasn’t there and like he was never married to her. Things about her new baby and zero disregard for the fact that it might be hurtful to discuss in front of me. Like I wasn’t even sitting there. Meanwhile, we’ve all been friends since childhood and his wife was a close friend of mine. I’m not only grieving him, but his past and future. I wanted my brother to be happily married and have a child... It was painful when she left him and a catalyst in him succumbing to his pain and then death. She received a payout of his pension because he died before sending the paper work in. I don’t care about money, it just bothered me for a while that someone who caused him so much strife and heartache benefitted from his death. And in a moment where I wasn’t thinking about her and she wasn’t on my radar, it made that particular trigger of her, set me off inside. I am a faithful person and I pray to forgive her and also myself for having bad feelings and anger about her. He loved her so much and would probably say...at least maybe the baby will benefit from the pension and so I am reminding myself of that too. A baby is a gift and I wish the baby well and hope she changes. My brother and I always put love out and so that should continue. I think sometimes grief misdirects my hurt and anger and because it needs an outlet, goes to things that normally wouldn’t trouble me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members reader Posted June 26, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 26, 2018 Thinking of you both! With much love and hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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