Five months into my journey

[LeannC45]

I lost my husband on 01/09/18 and my life has been nothing but a roller coaster since. At first when a spouse dies there is so much to do. I can honestly say that I am not sure how I even got through that time. When my husband passed away I was six weeks away from moving out of my house and still didn't know where I was going. Of course without my husband the size of the home would be much different then what I was looking for. I remember the first week after he passed I would get up at 4:00 in the morning and just go sit at the kitchen table and stare at my computer. I had so many obligations and literally no energy or mental capacity to get anything done. Some how I did though. Instead of packing with my husband I had to go through all of his things alone. I will never forget the agony I felt. When I finally moved into my new place I felt like I didn't belong there, like someone was punishing me. I tried to buy little things to improve my space to feel more comfortable but nothing really worked because it was my husband and our life together that was missing. I spent the last five months mostly going to work and going straight home because I now suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. I know that hiding in my house was for my own survival. I just couldn't handle all the commotion out in the world. I can say now at 5 1/2 months that I am starting to feel so lonely that I have ventured out to a gym and started exercising. I like being out in the world but in a way that doesn't involve too much interaction. People are taking a class with you and may smile or chat a little but for the most part everyone is focused on the activity. That is what feels safe to me right now. I visit my therapist once a week. At first I didn't like her and I just knew that nothing she had to offer would relieve my pain. I was wrong. I now look forward to my time with her because it is a place to leave all of my thoughts that spiral out of control and stifle me at times. I found this website that has brought me a lot of comfort because I now understand that what I feel in my darkest moments are normal. If you have never felt this level of pain you just don't know how to navigate your way through it. It is one tiny step everyday to understanding and moving forward. I will miss my husband for the rest of my life and it will NEVER be okay that he is gone. I will fight to find a new life because I am still here. I told my son that my life was stolen from me & he said "Mom you still have your life". That was a profound moment for me. Life does go on and it is up to us on how we move forward. I say reach out in as many ways as you need to and only when you are ready. You can't rush this process. I wish all of us strength, love and support.

[Sunflower2]

A beautiful share LeannC45 You have not left one stone unturned with this journey we are on.  

5 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

5 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

Life does go on and it is up to us on how we move forward. I say reach out in as many ways as you need to and only when you are ready. You can't rush this process. I wish all of us strength, love and support.

xo

 

[KayC]

Leann, thank you for sharing with us, I don't know how you did it either, I don't know how any of us did.  I remember losing my job after George died, they only gave six months unemployment then, at 5 1/2 months I still didn't have a job, such a scary feeling!  Before we had each other to rely on and get through things with.  Somehow we survive.  I'm glad you have your son.  I don't get to see or talk to my kids much, it is such a blessing when I do.

[Glolilly]

That was very well put, "I will fight to find a new life because I am still here."

I'm at the 5 1/2 month or more like 6 month time and it's true that you start to realize that yes, he is gone, not coming back, I will miss him forever, BUT i am still alive! We didn't come into this world together, unless we married our twin, so everyone is going to leave this world separately. There is no bargaining that can change that. I believe if we live longer with the person, that we'll probably grieve that much longer, just imo. So. I am thankful I had him that long. I wanted to retire with him but his chronic diabetes was beginning to show it's ugly face,. even at age 57. So, yes, I must and will go on, through the tears, getting up, going out there, into the world. Along. with my two college sons at home, I've repaired his truck tire, had sprinkler fixed, continued mowing service, fence repair, also have dental appointments for sons and myself. I had a wisdom cavity wake up during the death caused by stress and now I'm scheduled for a root canal. I used to order food and now I'm cooking a little bit more than before. So, yes it can and will get better with grief work and time. God bless you is my prayer.

[LeannC45]

Glolilly, 

In reading your post I recognize the tasks that you listed as the small steps we take that some how add up to moving forward. I am so thankful for my son as you have your sons. I am now trying to help my son process his grief in a healthy way. My husband was my son's step dad but he was in his life from 7 to 24 years old. They had a special bond and I can see the hole it has left in my son's heart. When I talk to my son about my husband I can see him disconnect from the conversation. He has never been comfortable with too much emotion. I pray for all of us and our children. I want to be a good example of how we manage the hardest darkest moments when we lose someone we love.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Glolilly said:

I believe if we live longer with the person, that we'll probably grieve that much longer, just imo

Not necessarily.  The bond of relationship isn't based by quantity of years, but by depth of relationship.  I was married to my kids' dad for 23 years, never had that love or caring.  If he'd have died, I'd have missed him, but not like I do George.  I only knew George 6 1/2 years but we clicked immediately, we always understood each other, cared about each other, had immense faith and trust in each other, the relationship was like none other I've ever experienced.  Yet I know a woman who was married all her life and her husband died, and she was literally glad because he was an abusive alcoholic and she was finally free.

How long you are married can affect how deeply entwined you were, how much you counted on each other, like a smooth running machine, each did their part as part of the team...but only where the marriage lived out that way.

[KayC]

10 minutes ago, LeannC45 said:

Glolilly, 

In reading your post I recognize the tasks that you listed as the small steps we take that some how add up to moving forward. I am so thankful for my son as you have your sons. I am now trying to help my son process his grief in a healthy way. My husband was my son's step dad but he was in his life from 7 to 24 years old. They had a special bond and I can see the whole it has left in my son's heart. When I talk to my son about my husband I can see him disconnect from the conversation. He has never been comfortable with too much emotion. I pray for all of us and our children. I want to be a good example of how we manage the hardest darkest moments when we lose someone we love.

My kids also loved George, their stepdad.  He was wonderful with them, and although they already had a dad, George seemed to fill in in the areas their dad didn't come through.  He was wonderful to them and when he died, they grieved.  They will never ever forget him.

When George died, my son, Paul, was in the Air Force.  I remember him calling me, crying, and saying "I just don't know what is the matter with me, I wake up crying, I start crying at work."  He was one who never showed emotion, felt the strong urge to "be a man".  I told him it's called grieving and everyone there knew he was grieving and it was okay to cry, and it would lessen in time as he got more used to it.

Even Sunday he brought up George to me, and it's been 13 years.

I'm glad your son loved your husband, he recognizes how fortunate he was to have had him in his life.

[Glolilly]

Yes, it's mind boggling how my two sons are reacting and also reacted to Sunday (father's day). The oldest, the more outgoing son, 24, (one year to Master's Degree) surprised us a few weeks before father's day and told us he was going to preach that day and had been studying the bible, taking notes for 6 weeks. I looked at the youngest, 22, (one year to Bachelors Degree), quieter brother in bewilderment. He never preached before and for a congregation of 2000, had very little chance of this happening. When questioned, he said God told him this and that we may not believe it. Well, I prayed for him, called the pastor's grandmother, who offered to pray for him in private. It (his sermon) didn't happen and i kept an eye on him during the service. He ended up being OK and the three of us chatted about it afterwards and he finally admitted that it was probably delayed grief. He is a Grad Assist with a Summer class and states he doesn't need grief support so I read upon stuff and have short discussion talks with them both. When he or his brother is disconnecting, I back off and talk about something they like. They like playing video games, ordering pizza, some friend activities or watching YouTube videos together. I'm glad they have each other to hang out with and laugh with so I can take a occasional stress breaks. Out of 25 of my husband male friends, I thought 5 or 6 would stick around, but only 1 drops in from time to time. They have no grandfathers left and my mother, 80 years old, lives 1000 miles away but calls often. I have one sister, 20 miles away. My husband's family have become distant and unfamiliar if that makes any sense. I was surprised by that. The former smaller church we left, approx 35 people, have never come by or called, I was surprised by that. But, I am determined to move forward. with or without. The oldest son has befriended an older guy at the church he sits next to in church. I still think it's good for a young man to be able to chat with another goodhearted man. The youngest is a homebody that has shown little emotion and he attends church infrequently compared to his brother. He has questions about God's existence so I talk carefully to him or else he debates. He comes in the bedroom sometimes and sniffs his few belongings. He is taking all of his classes solely online, so I'm working on his social skills. He did this for a year with his dad alive and dad would say, he's OK, let Gabe alone, I used to be like that. Yes, I can still hear him saying that. They are two different personalities but they get along well I think overall my sons and your son will be fine with love, grace and time. God Bless Us All. 

[LeannC45]

26 minutes ago, Glolilly said:

Yes, it's mind boggling how my two sons are reacting and also reacted to Sunday (father's day). The oldest, the more outgoing son, 24, (one year to Master's Degree) surprised us a few weeks before father's day and told us he was going to preach that day and had been studying the bible, taking notes for 6 weeks. I looked at the youngest, 22, (one year to Bachelors Degree), quieter brother in bewilderment. He never preached before and for a congregation of 2000, had very little chance of this happening. When questioned, he said God told him this and that we may not believe it. Well, I prayed for him, called the pastor's grandmother, who offered to pray for him in private. It (his sermon) didn't happen and i kept an eye on him during the service. He ended up being OK and the three of us chatted about it afterwards and he finally admitted that it was probably delayed grief. He is a Grad Assist with a Summer class and states he doesn't need grief support so I read upon stuff and have short discussion talks with them both. When he or his brother is disconnecting, I back off and talk about something they like. They like playing video games, ordering pizza, some friend activities or watching YouTube videos together. I'm glad they have each other to hang out with and laugh with so I can take a occasional stress breaks. Out of 25 of my husband male friends, I thought 5 or 6 would stick around, but only 1 drops in from time to time. They have no grandfathers left and my mother, 80 years old, lives 1000 miles away but calls often. I have one sister, 20 miles away. My husband's family have become distant and unfamiliar if that makes any sense. I was surprised by that. The former smaller church we left, approx 35 people, have never come by or called, I was surprised by that. But, I am determined to move forward. with or without. The oldest son has befriended an older guy at the church he sits next to in church. I still think it's good for a young man to be able to chat with another goodhearted man. The youngest is a homebody that has shown little emotion and he attends church infrequently compared to his brother. He has questions about God's existence so I talk carefully to him or else he debates. He comes in the bedroom sometimes and sniffs his few belongings. He is taking all of his classes solely online, so I'm working on his social skills. He did this for a year with his dad alive and dad would say, he's OK, let Gabe alone, I used to be like that. Yes, I can still hear him saying that. They are two different personalities but they get along well I think overall my sons and your son will be fine with love, grace and time. God Bless Us All. 

Thank you for sharing about your sons. It gives me a little insight as to how other children/young adults handle their grief. I walked in my son's room last night and he was meditating, he had lit some sage (which smells horrible) and was listening to some calming music. I was so thankful to see him trying to find balance within himself. My son does believe in God but he has a lot of questions and I can tell he is open and searching for his own understanding. I will just continue to be there with a watchful eye respecting his space but not so much so that I miss an unspoken sign. My husbands family use to call me all the time but it has dropped to an occasional phone call. I have some friends that look like a deer in headlights when I try to talk about my husband. I think that is one of the hard parts about this journey is trying to find the support you need and letting go of the idea that everyone you know will be there. I think after awhile people don't know what else to say so they just don't talk to you at all. 

[KayC]

All of our friends disappeared on me when he died.  I wouldn't have thought it.  Two of my best friends didn't even attend his funeral, they could have, they chose not to.  It did irreparable damage to our friendship, how can you feel the same way about someone you've always been there for when they don't care enough to be there for you when you need it?

I know some people "aren't good" with death.  Who the hell is?  I didn't exactly like having my husband die, but no one asked me if I wanted this to happen!  We didn't get to opt out, you and I, all of us, we HAD to face this, yet our friends can just opt out?  No excuse!

[LeannC45]

Yes, not only do we lose our loved one and the life we use to have. We also lose mutual friends and gradually for me my husband's family. They are so busy grieving for him that they don't really have the energy to keep reaching out to me. Of course I understand that. It's just that my world has gotten smaller in many ways and I know that I will have to work to add new people as I live my life.