Another Day

[Brody]

Thanks all

[nicksdad]

Hi all,

Some further advice needed. As I visit my co-worker/friend who daughter died two months ago to see how he is doing, he says "it's another day" as we talk for a couple of minutes (I see him at the office four out of five days a week).

I don't know what to say/ask, and while he says that coming by and checking in him helps, I do want to give him the opportunity to talk further if he needs to. Would it be okay to ask him something further, for exaample "do you find it a little easier each day?" or would "is it different each day" be better (I doubt it's easier just two months after the tragedy). Any other suggestions?

As always, your advice is great ly appreciated.

Brody

Brody....Everyone is different but the fact that you are taking the time to say "how's it going" or whatever and him to acknowledge you is good I think. The "do you find it a little easier each day"....Would NOT do that...Nor would I do "is it different each day"....My suggestion is continue to do what you are doing and if he feels the need or wants to talk further "he" will....It's great you are being such a good friend to him and allowing an opening in case he decides he wants to talk but that will be "his" choice when and if he ever wants to.

Just my 2 cents.

[Brody]

Brody....Everyone is different but the fact that you are taking the time to say "how's it going" or whatever and him to acknowledge you is good I think. The "do you find it a little easier each day"....Would NOT do that...Nor would I do "is it different each day"....My suggestion is continue to do what you are doing and if he feels the need or wants to talk further "he" will....It's great you are being such a good friend to him and allowing an opening in case he decides he wants to talk but that will be "his" choice when and if he ever wants to.

Just my 2 cents.

Thanks for the advice., I appreciate it.

Brody

[shorty16]

Brody

Every day for your friend pretty much sucks. If you ask "How are you?" you already know the answer.

Saying something to get his mind off his daughter's death is my suggestion.

"I saw a cool bird this weekend!" or "This book I read was really interesting!"

When someone would ask me "How are you doing?" In the beginning, I would reply "I am satnding up right and breathing" Because, in the beginning, that is a real accomplishment.

My 2 cents

Colleen

[heidy12]

hi....

Everyone is different but the fact that you are taking the time to say "how's it going" or whatever and him to acknowledge you is good I think.I like it

thanks

[ericasmom]

Hi Brody, I think that it is good of you too, so as a MOm who lost a Daughter, I think that when folks made a consistent effort to check in on me, I felt warmed. No, I guess I wouldn't ask if it is any better, only because it is going to get worse for him. He is at the point that so many of us found ourselves at 2, 3,4,5 months. Much of the shock is beginning to ware away, and when a layer of shock goes, the parent is raw with fresh pain.

I do think if you leave a card on his desk, a just thinking about you card, or an invite to go for some lunch, is a nice gesture. For many of us, the date each month that is the date of the loss, rang a clear bell of pain for me. The 8th of each month adn the 14th of each month for almost two years following the death of Erica was a mark of time, mini-anniversaries. Those dates hurt just so that you are aware in case your friend behaves differently on those dates or in case you want to leave him a nice card on those dates.

Good luck as you find ways to engage a lost soul.

Peace,

dee

[wyomingsal]

Here is a list that I found on a grief site a few years ago.

What bereaved parents want you to know

Bereaved Parents Wish List

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

18. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.

[Brody]

Thanks for posting this. All of this pretty much sums up the past few months of being present with my freind in his loss. There are times I wish I had some words of wisdom for him, but I know there are none. He knows I care, and that I will always care, and I pray that in some small way I helps.

Here is a list that I found on a grief site a few years ago.

What bereaved parents want you to know

Bereaved Parents Wish List

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

18. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.

[Brody]

Thanks for the kind words, Dee. He seems to have days where he is doing a little better, and days where he is more down. As it approaches the 5 month mark, it does seem to be getting harder for him. It pains me to see him in such pain, I wish there were some words of wisdom that I can speak, but I know there really are none. I stop by often (at least three days a week for brief visits) to show that I care and that I will always care, and I hope that in some small way it helps at least a little.

Brody

Hi Brody, I think that it is good of you too, so as a MOm who lost a Daughter, I think that when folks made a consistent effort to check in on me, I felt warmed. No, I guess I wouldn't ask if it is any better, only because it is going to get worse for him. He is at the point that so many of us found ourselves at 2, 3,4,5 months. Much of the shock is beginning to ware away, and when a layer of shock goes, the parent is raw with fresh pain.

I do think if you leave a card on his desk, a just thinking about you card, or an invite to go for some lunch, is a nice gesture. For many of us, the date each month that is the date of the loss, rang a clear bell of pain for me. The 8th of each month adn the 14th of each month for almost two years following the death of Erica was a mark of time, mini-anniversaries. Those dates hurt just so that you are aware in case your friend behaves differently on those dates or in case you want to leave him a nice card on those dates.

Good luck as you find ways to engage a lost soul.

Peace,

dee

[shorty16]

Brody

For me, the 5 month mark was when the shock started wearing off. The shock does not wear off all at once. I can remember the physical pain also increased for me at about that time. I was actually sick to my stomach for almost a year.

Sorry to say, Brody, but it may get worse before it gets better. He will need you there always. This is a life sentence he has received.

Thanks for being there for him.

I have been thinking about you, my friend.

Colleen, Brian's Mother

[Brody]

Hi Colleen,

Thanks for the advice and the encouragement. I'm sure you're right about the shock starting to wear off and it getting worse. Where a couple of months ago he seemed to be doing a little better, no it does seem that it has gotten worse. A life sentance is exactly how he described it to me at one point. I'll continue ot be there for him. I wish there was more that I can do, but I know the one thing that would make it right is something tht I can't do. I pray for him and his family every day, though, I'm sure that helps as well.

Thanks again, your advice and kind words really mean a lot.

Brody

Brody

For me, the 5 month mark was when the shock started wearing off. The shock does not wear off all at once. I can remember the physical pain also increased for me at about that time. I was actually sick to my stomach for almost a year.

Sorry to say, Brody, but it may get worse before it gets better. He will need you there always. This is a life sentence he has received.

Thanks for being there for him.

I have been thinking about you, my friend.

Colleen, Brian's Mother