Lost the love of my life on Saturday

[Reaves599]

On Saturday, June 9th, my fiancé suddenly passed away. He was my best friend and the love of my life. He was only 25 years old (his birthday is June 28th, so he was almost 26). Our wedding was going to be next month on July 12th. We have been engaged for 3 years! I was so excited to finally call him my husband and to have his last name. We have been together since 2010, and it has been the best 8 years of my life. He was amazing, truly made me feel beautiful and happy. 

I know grief is normal, and it hasn’t even been a full week yet. I just can’t get over the fact he is gone, and we no longer have a future together. I keep looking at pictures and talking about memories, which make me sad and happy, but then I think about how happy I was just a few days ago before he was gone and how happy I was during those memories with him. 

Along with the awful and aching feelings of not being able to just go in the next room to hug and kiss and talk to him, I can’t stop thinking of how badly I wish I was pregnant with his baby on top of everything. And how I just want to be married to him. 

I also realize I am still in shock and denial, as every morning I have been closing and reopening my eyes to hope it was all a dream. We have lived together and with my parents for the last 6 years. It’s so hard he isn’t here anymore. The house feels so empty. 

I don’t really know what I’m looking for. Just wanting to talk somewhere where others know how it feels. I have a great support system: my parents, brother, in-laws, and friends. But I hate the feeling that no one knows exactly what I am going through. 

 

[Jackiag862]

I’m so so sorry for your loss. I lost my boyfriend on May 7th. He is the love of my life, my soulmate forever. I know exactly how you feel. It’s so unfair and unreal. We were about to get engaged, everyone tells me he was buying my ring. It’s so painful thinking about everything you wanted to do together is gone. I’m only 5 1/2 weeks into it and every day is different. I don’t know how I’m gonna live without him. But one of the few things that has helped me is coming on here and talking to people who understand it. I don’t know why it’s so helpful but it is. There’s so many amazing people on here. I have a really great support system like you but it feels different here. I know you’ll get through each day. I wish none of us had to go thru this and I’m so sorry. 

[JBSC01]

Unfortunately I know how you both feel. I too lost the love of my life, my best friend, future wife unexpectedly at the prime of her/our lives at only 34. This is soo exhausting 24/7. She had soo much more living to do and goals to accomplish for herself and we as a couple had soo many years left together and milestones to hit, like getting married, having kids, buying a house with a pool and dogs, traveling etc.. and now thats all gone, ripped away. I constantly ask WHY? and repeat nooo, nooo, noooo, and this cant be real. How can she just be gone?!! i dont get it, it doesn't make sense, this is not how things were supposed to happen.

The pain, the longing, the missing is her, is so strong and constant. She was so beautiful, young, precious, smart, funny, loving,  how can this happen to her, to me, to us, its not fair. How can the perfect someone for you, your true love, someone you create a bond stronger than anything with get put into our lives, just to be ripped away?!   

I feel so empty, broken, defeated, that i just want to give up and throw in the towel but i know i cant, somehow, someway gotta crawl, then limp, and walk to the finish line. 

I dont have much advice on how to cope or move forward because i have no idea myself.  I'm only only 2 months in and i'm totally lost, hurting so bad, going crazy, screwed up. All i can say is like everyone says, one day at a time, min, sec, breath whatever, and just move in a forward direction no more how hard or impossible it feels because it does. What other choice do we have besides killing ourselves which I know we've all thought of many times but would never do because we know that thats not a good or proper solution.

The little advice i can give is to get support anyway you can, from forums like these, to talking to friends and family even though they dont truly understand they can offer an ear and a hug which often provides a little comfort at least, and then theres the professional help through grief support groups, and one on one grief counselling. Try not to isolate too much, sometimes we need to and thats ok, but not too much, theres a good balance i think.. And definitely dont hold your feelings in for too long, there will be times when we need to hold it in like I do when i'm at work or in public, but as soon as I get in the car and drive home all i do is scream and cry. Same as when i wake up in the morning hoping it was all just a nightmare and then realizing its real I will scream into the pillow and cry til I cant anymore. So let it out whenever, however, cry, scream, talk about feelings to anyone that will listen. If someone asks how are you say your shitty, or if its a stranger say im just getting by, for me personally I'm not going to lie and say i'm OK or fine when im not and seemingly never will be again. 

[KayC]

Oh Reaves, I am so sorry!  It's the hardest thing in the world to lose your soul mate.  When I went through it I was in shock for I don't know how long.  We do eventually get more used to it but never fully, if that makes any sense, I mean we know they're gone but I've missed my husband each and every day since!

I'm glad you have a lot of support around you...I also know they can't possibly know how you're feeling, not having been through it themselves.  But they care, and I'm glad you have them.

Keep coming here, it helps to have a place where others get it and understand.  One day at a time, the best advice I ever got.  Try not to worry about the whole rest of your life, stay in today, it's enough.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.