Members Alireza Posted June 12, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 12, 2018 The life has become the hardest for me, yet i believe it is for my faults, my lovliest and only Brother suicided 24th of April, he was 4 years younger than me, the one when i started to understand the world was with me, i blame this on my faults, i know that it is, i became less friendly with him recently before he does it, instead i flirted with random guys and univeristy girls, i loved him, definitly, but he may have missunderstood, he had become proud last times, i tried not to engage and contest, yet he was right; i was imagining nice future of him, anything beautiful, but in my mind, i did not ever tell him though; he was very beautiful, tall and well shaped; i remeber his nice look at me sometime after his birth, that moment i promissed myself to ever sacrifice myself to protect him; but i failed, these last years i almost left him on his own, i shouldn't, and couldn't protect him, his reason to suicide was that he claimed this world is absurd and futile, i and his parents never thought he wanted to suicide, i blame him on myself, i should have been very close to him anyway, to feel him, even if he hurt me, he was tired of this world and some people has advised him and pushed him this way, i should have protected him and understood him, but i didn't, only because of my weaknesses, and he got away from me, whereas sometimes he wanted to talk to me, damn me; he passed away in 17 and i am 21, i cannot forgive myself and i intend to kill the people who pushed him this way, and its pleasant for me to die trying, if it wasn't for my mother that i am his only child, i would have suicided sooner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nicole-my grief journey Posted June 16, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 16, 2018 Alireza, I feel your hurt and pain. Sending love to you. I too lost my brother last November and there are things I blamed myself for. In the end, what we did or didn’t do is not our faults for their deaths. It’s complex and confusing and painful and there is no denying that, but to give yourself more pain alomg with your grieving only makes the suffering so much deeper and dangerous for you. I am working hard to let go of the guilt I’ve put on myself, by when having the thought, I try and switch the thought into forgiving myself, forgiving him or anyone else I want to place blame on. I think about how I can change the rest of my life by helping others and being the person I was and could have been more for my brother through them. If you do that it will help. I also write out things and what I think my part in it was and what his lart was and then can see that I tried, or maybe didn’t other times because relationships have their uks and downs. Talking to them a lot, or not eneough, or what could we have done wil always replay until you do the grief work. A CBT therapist has helped me. Although I’m reLly heartbroken, I’m now able to take my mind off of what happened for a second. Write about how you loved him, memories, good, bad and ones you won’t get to have because he’s gone. It hurts like a mother, but it will move you forward if you do. That’s stuff has to come out. Especially for your survival. You clearly loved him deeply and suicide takes all of us, not just the oerson who’s gone. We’re here for you and are sad for your loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alireza Posted June 27, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 Yes; thank u for your explanation; unfortunately, i cannot remove the blame of myself, when i think he was always a happy boy and wouldn't do that, even that he didn't talk with his brother last time, so there are many reasons and people behind it but i cannot find a damn sign, i cant stay calm for a minute Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gigi1959 Posted June 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2018 Hey Alireza, I hear what you are saying about feeling the guilt of losing your brother and no signs. I hear and know the feeling of frustration and like your mind can't turn off. My sister was 4 years younger than me. I was supposed to be her protector and look out for her. She died unexpectedly on April 4th. We are still waiting for the autopsy to be completed to find the reason she died. It is unbearable to think of being without her for the rest of my life. I cry almost everyday and ask why... what could I have done to help her... could she be helped... but I will never ever have an answer. I feel like maybe you might know what I mean. I would like to tell you it will get better, but for now all I can tell you is this... I truly believe your brother knows/knew you loved him (no matter what was going on at the time). Do what you can to make it thru the day... take it hour by hour even. Every feeling you have is valid and just... don't let your anger and guilt for your brother cloud your love and honor for him. You did not do anything wrong. You loved your brother and he loved you. Take care and take time. Write again if you want to talk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nicole-my grief journey Posted June 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2018 10 hours ago, Alireza said: Yes; thank u for your explanation; unfortunately, i cannot remove the blame of myself, when i think he was always a happy boy and wouldn't do that, even that he didn't talk with his brother last time, so there are many reasons and people behind it but i cannot find a damn sign, i cant stay calm for a minute It truly is all encompassing. I drive past my brothers apartment two times a day where his death happened. It hurts. It’s emotionally so mind f-ing. Others would say “can’t you take a different route”. Even if I could or did, the feelings would still be there. The yearning to be with him, talk to him, see him...is so strong. I hope if I continue to talk about that, the feelings will change. I know from losing my other brother it’s possible. It took years and a lot of work. Work I didn’t want to do, but did do, when for whatever reason...I became ready. Basically time passing and being sick and tired...of being sick and tired. Sending hugs again to you. I’m sitting on the roof, staring at the moon and stormy clouds, praying for peace for all of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Isabella Morrison Posted July 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted July 6, 2018 I didn't want to live without my brother as well, I hope this can give you hope. Here's a part of my story. https://www.unveilingbeauty.co/blog/there-is-a-hope Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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