It's not getting easier, just the opposite

[Miki]

My mother passed unexpectedly on August 28, 2017 of an aneurysm.  She was fine and then started with a bad headache.  We called the ambulance and were told at the hospital that even if they performed surgery she would be a vegetable.  My mother wouldn't have wanted to live like that, they removed the breathing tube and she passed at 5am.  My sister, father and I left the hospital in shock; I think I stayed that way for weeks.  I took over the house and business bills for my father (my Mom used to handle it all) and had to figure out where we stood on everything.  Neither of my parents had a will, so I had to find a lawyer and figure out probate and such.  Medicare (which my Dad has) was renewing, and my Dad's plumbing business had tax stuff due.  Basically I was hit with things I never had to deal with or knew how to deal with.  My sister wanted to help but she has a family of her own. 

My sister and father are the same in temperament, they don't necessarily deal with their feelings but try to push them away.  When the feelings are to much it comes out in misdirected anger (not physical). My father's view is that if you cry it's a weakness.  When she first passed, it was suggested that we see a grief counselor.  I mentioned this to my father and his response was "if you need to go, that's fine but I'm stronger than that."   My Mom was my best friend and our personalities were a lot a like.  We may cry the whole time but we do what we need too, it doesn't make us weak.  My Mom was the strongest person I know; she was my best friend and I am lost without her.  

It has been almost 10 months now and there are days I still feel like she will walk through the door.  My life feels surreal like I slipped into another dimension and just want to get home again.  Unfortunately I know this is a nightmare I will never wake from.  We made it through her Birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, all the main holidays that people warned me would be so hard.  They were, but not as hard as living through the normal days.  Moments I want to call or text her.  Questions I want to ask.  A story or laugh I want to share with her.  I find that I'm having panic attacks that leave me feeling lost and out of control emotionally.  My throat closes and the pain I feel is crippling.  It's supposed to be getting easier, everyone says as time goes by it will get better, but it's not.  It's getting harder.  I try to keep my mind busy at all times, but I can't always do that and when it hits it hits hard.   I lost my Mom and my Best Friend.  How do I cope?  

[Everly]

It really doesn't ever get easier   I think you just get numb over time.

I'm really sorry about your Mom.. 10 months is not long at all.  It's been over 3.5 years now for me, and it's not easier, I think you just carry it differently.

You can reach out to me anytime to chat... as I understand, it's the most painful thing to lose our Moms   I'm so sorry.

[tessa]

Hi Miki,
I'm in the same situation as you, also 10months.
Surreal is a good word to use to describe how things are for me now. I feel like I'm a lost spaceship, no longer have a mother ship to go home to. I'm floating alone in this world. I used to be able to go back to the mother ship when I had parents. Now I just wander aimlessly.
Sometimes I forget and I think mum is at home. I can't seem to accept that it's forever. I will never see my parents again. How can that be so. That makes no sense. Yet that is the way it is.
The only way I know to cope is to keep my mind busy but like you said, we can't do that all the time.
The other way is to find a replacement. Someone else to share with. But how do we find another person like our mother/father.
It would be good if someone could tell me what life is all about. Is there an after-life. Do we see them again. Why did God create people, what is the sense of it all. The religions all have different versions and they all say they are correct.
Nobody knows and those that think they do, they just make it up. That's my opinion.
I don't have any answers.

[careyboot]

Miki,

I'm so so sorry. I lost my mom 10 years ago to a pulmonary embolism. I had to go through months of therapy. I used to wake up every morning with the surprise of her death and had to work out the fact that she had died every day, in the moments between sleep and wakefulness. It was an incredibly hard year in which I had to reorganize myself at what felt like an atomic level. My mom and I were not best friends. We had a troubled relationship. But that didn't change the fact that losing her was still incredibly hard and shocking. Now, 10 years later, my brother has died suddenly. Today I have been feeling like you are. Like l sob periodically. I remember his face when he looked at me in the moment before he died. His eyes. I remember photos of him and how he felt. How I felt with him. He was my closest family. My main family. He was living with me before he died -- just the week before but... We. Will.Get.Through. This. What I can say that I hope will help both of us is that in the past, what helps me when I am very low (and I don't think I've ever been quite this low before) is that I try to find something beautiful to look at. I try to see the beauty in something very small. And I try to see some love in someone else, even if I can't feel it in myself. When I accept that I am part of a larger design and that my particular point on the web has no strength, it can help to look outside of myself and try to find beauty in the smallest thing. Sending you love and strength. Please know I am here and sending you hope from here. xoxoxo carey 

[reader]

Dear Miki,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow.

I think you are doing everything you can and are coping the best you can. If you want to maybe look for additional supports. I know how hard it is when you are not seeing eye to eye with family or feel like you can go to them for support.

Maybe consider grief counselling or joining a support group. I also found these websites helpful:

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog.

Keep taking it moment by moment. Please know we are with you.

Thinking of you.

[Stephie68]

Our mom passed away on October 26, 2017.  I was her live-in caregiver for the last 12 years.  I agree with Mike; it's not getting any easier and I still feel like she should be here. We lost our dad when we were 14 and his death was very sudden.  My mother had a stroke and lost her ability to speak and couldn't move her right side.  The medication the doctors gave her to help with the stroke caused her to have a large bleed in her brain.  She never regained her ability to swallow and we were left with the decision to have a feeding tube inserted or let her slip away.  I know my mom wouldn't have wanted a feeding tube, so we made the incredibly difficult decision to place her in hospice.  She lived for 9 days and we were able to talk to her and say goodbye; a blessing we didn't have with our dad.   I know it never gets easier; it just gets tolerable over time.  It feels really strange to not have any parents left.  I miss my mother's stories about the "old" days; stories that were repeated many, many times that I wish I could hear again.  I feel her spirit in our house and I know she is still here in a sense.  To some, that may seem creepy, but it does give me a sense of comfort.  Reading other people's stories about their grief helps-I'm glad I found this site.  Unless you've lost a parent or both parents, people don't understand what you are going through.  A co-worker of mine said he didn't want to visit his elderly dad on Father's Day because he was a pain.  I told him I've had 35 years of fatherless Father's Days and he should be thankful both of his parents are still here.  I don't understand people like that.  My mother lived 35 years longer than my dad and we were blessed to have her. Thanks again for this forum.  I really needed to release these painful feelings.

[Broken soul]

So sorry for your loss Miki and to everyone else here. I lost My Mum on the 7th this month and it was unexpected and I also had been hee caregiver for 15yrs. I am lost and it does not seem real and the pain is unbearable. How am I to go on I have no idea. I just go through the motions now. Nothing has meaning any more.  My son and I included her in everything we did and revolved our life around My Mum and her care and needs and she was included in all decisions. I really don't think it will get better and I think I will just learn to live with this pain forever. People tell me it is fresh and it will get better but we were too close for it to get better for me. I am thankful for finding this forum where others understand but am sorry that others feel this pain. I domt get life no more and nothing makes sense. 

[Miki]

I just want to thank you all for your support and sharing your own stories.  As horrible as it is that we are all going through this loss, it is comforting knowing I'm not alone in the feelings I'm experiencing.  As for me things have not improved since June.  The 28th of August will be a year and I've been fighting panic attacks.  Everyday I think this time last year my Mom was here, and now I'm getting close to the day where that won't be a true statement anymore.  My father and sister are struggling and I want to help, but I don't know how, I can't even seem to help myself.  I just feel like I'm living in a nightmare and can't wake up.  I'm feeling very lost and alone and I miss my Mom so damn much.