Hiding from the world

[CMoore]

I am new to this site and am not entirely sure where or how to start. I lost my husband almost 10 months ago (August 27, 2017) and I still just do not know how to go on. Sometimes I spend days, locked away in our apartment, staring at the tv or a book, barely absorbing what's there and at times I find myself just staring at the wall. I do have family and friends that I talk to and interact with but occasionally I do push them away because I feel so depressed. Thankfully they don't take it too personally, but I've found it difficult to talk to them about my feelings. I've read that keeping busy is helpful and I know that I cannot just keep hiding away....I just miss my husband so much....we did everything together...he was my best friend and I am totally terrified of the changes that I know are in the very near future! We had so many plans for the future and now he is gone and my life has been ripped apart! I believe that it will benefit me greatly to be able to talk to people who are experiencing the same things. Losing a loved one is always difficult and painful (I've lost grandparents and my father) but losing my husband.....! It is just different.....Sometimes I can find no words to describe this pain....this heartache...

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, it is by far the hardest thing I've had to face and I'm sure you feel the same way.

We are here for you, we'll listen to you, respond to you, and hold your hand on this journey.  Your post could have been written by any of us, it's so classic in your feelings.  Everything you are feeling is totally normal under the circumstances.

I wrote this based on my 12 year journey (soon to be 13 years) and I hope it will be of some help to you.  It's good to print out for reference to read every few months and see if anything else stands out at you because not everything will at once.  This is all a process.  I, too was terrified, anxiety, panic-stricken.  I didn't see how I could make it, but I am, you will too.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Tamimi]

9 hours ago, CMoore said:

Losing a loved one is always difficult and painful (I've lost grandparents and my father) but losing my husband.....! It is just different.....Sometimes I can find no words to describe this pain....this heartache...

I'm very sorry for your loss and reading through this forum helps a lot.  I am 3.5 months out from losing my husband very unexpectedly. I, too, have lost many loved ones but my husband was there to help me through those losses. He was such a comforter.  But now he is the one gone and he's not here to help me through. At least not physically where I feel his arms around me. I never experienced this level of grief before and it's such a hard thing.  The broken heart, fear, sadness, etc. are all so real. Keep coming here,  you will learn you are not alone in your feelings.

[Glolilly]

Yes, I agree that losing your husband is Very different from losing a parent or grandparents which I have both experienced. I think staying busy was good for me the first 2-3 months because first, I needed the income to care for our 2 college sons and secondly, I needed to feel I had a purpose/use and it was a great distraction. It distracted me so well while I was still in shock that when I returned to the workplace a week after the funeral, I wondered why so many was hugging me and saying, I'm sorry for your loss".  Severe or complicated grief may warrant joining a support grief group or one on one counselor. Grief is normal but severe depression is no normal. Severe depression needs to be addressed asap maybe even by a physician. Being at home is OK when you need some time to reflect alone, getting rest because grief makes you tired and when you really have no interest in shopping or social activities but still get out some to the grocery or church.

Losing a spouse is difficult and painful is normal and can't be downplayed or minimized but it can be managed with time and care. This pain is very hard to explain or summarize but is felt for sure. God will not put on us no more than we can bear. I hope you find Daily  Peace and Comfort during this trying time in your life. We did not ask for this hole to appear in our lives, no one did but life is unpredictable but God can help us through this. I think, maybe I won't get another one like him, I starting to accept that it will have to be OK. I still like to eat, dine out, shop online. The new mixed old me is trying to come out of the cocoon. Hopefully I won't be an ugly butterfly, lol. 

[KayC]

Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine his arms around me...perhaps they are only he doesn't have the physical body for me to see and feel anymore, but his spirit cries out to be with me and help me.  At times I need him most, I believe he's there, wanting so much to be here for me.

[LeannC45]

Yes, I imagine my husband watching me curled up on the couch crying for him. I picture myself handing him a bucket of tears to show him how much he was loved and how much I miss him. I know he is there wanting me to find some happiness again in my life. He always appreciated what an independent woman I am and I know he would expect me to move forward and finish my human experience with grace and love.