I found my mother had passed away on my couch

[NikkiE89]

I had surgery and my mother had came for a month to visit me while I healed from the surgery. She had been here a week when I woke up one morning to find my healthy 49 year old mother had passed away on my couch.  I am 29 years old. I feel like it's not fair she was so young. That day plays like a movie on loop over and over in my mind. I worked on my mother while paramedics was on their way. I need answers I know I'll never get and it is constantly on my mind. I can still smell the smells of that day, I can still feel the coldness of her skin or the taste of her lips from giving her CPR. The paramedics said she had been gone for hours and no matter what I could or would have tried she was already gone. It's been two weeks since she passed and I'm devastated my heart is broke into inrapearable pieces. My mother was my best friend. I'm so lost all I do is cry. I feel like I'm losing my mind. 

[DeSh02]

I am so sorry for your lost Nikki. I lost my father on April 12, 2017 and my grandmother on June 25, 2017. I was on the phone with my dad for about 20 minutes and then boom..he made a weird noise and I was like something is wrong. I rushed to his house only to find him dead on his couch. He had a heart attack. I was heart broken and still feel ways of grief through it all. My grandmother died at 93 and weirdly I knew she was about to die. The doctors called the family and said her organs were shutting down and we needed to get over there to say our last goodbyes...her last words she said my name twice. I tried to make everyone laugh by saying, see I told yall I was her favorite. Grief is a horrible thing and unexpected deaths are even harder. I still cry thinking about my dad whether its happy or sad thoughts. To help with my grief, I started a blog called www.pursuingpeaceinlife.com which I will publish on June 30, 2018. It's to help me with my pain and to help others as well talk about the real feelings you have when you lose a loved one. If you are interested, please feel free to go by the page on June 30 or after or you can reach out to me on my instagram or facebook page "PursuingPeaceInLife". I feel that when we can talk to others and let our feelings out it gets easier but the pain never goes away.

[NikkiE89]

I know its selfish of me but I pass elderly pol in the store that's beyond my mothers age and I cant help but to ask why her she hadn't even fully loved her life yet. How come they get to live longer then her. She was and will always be my best friend and my rock and when she passed I feel like it has take a huge chunk out of my heart. Im literally obsessed with trying to find answers to the why and the what ifs. Will that ever go away because I feel like I'll never get an answer and especially since the autopsy report hadn't came back yet. All the corners keep telling me she had a stroke that lead into a heart attack while she was asleep. I beat myself up thinking I should have woken up earlier. She was just here to visit with me for a month, why did it have to be here? Why was I the one to find her? Will that image get easier or disappear?Even though I knew she was gone I worked on my mother until the paramedics arrived. I was home alone even though I have two sister (I'm the middle child) I wonder if they are grieving like me. They seem to be able to handle it better but then I think it's because they dont understand what I saw what I felt the constant reminders of saying my last good bye and they turned down the chance to do that before she was cremated. I directed and the only one to speak at the ceremony my sister said they couldn't and didnt want to do that. I felt like the world was on my shoulders. I pray every night that I want to be with her I'd give her my heart and last breath. I have cervical cancer and I feel like it should have been me not her.

[soniasonia]

On 6/9/2018 at 5:31 PM, NikkiE89 said:

I had surgery and my mother had came for a month to visit me while I healed from the surgery. She had been here a week when I woke up one morning to find my healthy 49 year old mother had passed away on my couch.  I am 29 years old. I feel like it's not fair she was so young. That day plays like a movie on loop over and over in my mind. I worked on my mother while paramedics was on their way. I need answers I know I'll never get and it is constantly on my mind. I can still smell the smells of that day, I can still feel the coldness of her skin or the taste of her lips from giving her CPR. The paramedics said she had been gone for hours and no matter what I could or would have tried she was already gone. It's been two weeks since she passed and I'm devastated my heart is broke into inrapearable pieces. My mother was my best friend. I'm so lost all I do is cry. I feel like I'm losing my mind. 

Hi Nikki,

You are not alone.

I went through something similar. On May 25 my sister and I found my mom passed away on the couch. She had gone for a nap like she always had. The blood drained from her face, yet her neck was still warm. My sister managed to lift her to a flat surface and while i called 911 and gave her cpr. No amount of first aid training prepares you enough when you have to do it on someone-especially a parent. It was too late, though. The paramedics tried every effort to get a pulse. My mom was gone, just like that. 

My father had passed away 2.5 weeks before my mom. He succumbed to his cancer. I guess her work here on earth was done or it was a broken heart. He was 64 and she 61. 

I try to keep very busy especially on the weekends to exhaust me, exercise my body & mind, but as soon as I stop, they're all I think about... The last time I held my dad's hand, their smile, giving mom CPR, kneeling beside her and saying goodbye, their funerals...it's a constant loop that comes up anytime I sit down to "relax."  

I'm told it will get better, it will take time to cope, to try counselling, to have a good support system. I've come to terms that it will take a VERY long time to wrap my head around this. 

We are not alone. 

[reader]

Dear Nikki and Sonia,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm so sorry for your devastating losses.

Please know you are not alone. We are all here with you.

Thinking of you both.

[Broken soul]

I am so sorry for your loss and I understand what you are feeling. I lost My Mum a week ago and although people tell me it will pass and I will feel better I don't feel it will. She had been living with me and my son with me and now I am lost. Everything I did included her and I don't know how I will love without her. I just want her back . I struggle to do anything. I don't know if I will accept it but it doesn't feel like I can. It really is like the worst nightmare and o keep hoping I will wake up and it isn't real. I feel your pain. Like your situation I too am doing it alone while her husband and my sister's have carried on with life like nothing happened. I don't have answers on how to cope or whether it will get better and all I can offer is hear your story and tell you I relate .