Anxiety

[LeannC45]

Tomorrow will be five months that my husband is gone. I have developed anxiety and panic attacks since his death. Yesterday I was having an okay day until I got home and then I could feel everything in my body change. I felt my anxiety creeping in, I felt irritable and desperate for something, not knowing what that something was. I kept trying to calm myself down but it took over and I ended up balling until I went to bed. I woke up this morning for work with pillows for eyelids. It is so scary how one minute you are making it through the day and the next minute it is over. I literally felt exhausted like I hit a wall and couldn't do anything. I find that I am going to bed earlier and earlier lately. This is so hard.

[MaggieMc]

Hello Leann. My partner passed away 3mths ago and I too have anxiety attacks. I thought I was doing okay and then wham! Blood pressure is through the roof... Palpitations & racing heart. Have days when I can't stop crying and find myself saying 'please' over and over again without knowing what I'm actually asking for. Exhaustion is definitely a symptom of grief and people who are grieving do require more sleep than usual. Definitely hard, I miss him so much.

[LeannC45]

Yes, my husband passed away on January 9th so now the 9th of every month brings me overwhelming sadness. This entire year will mark a first EVERYTHING without my husband. I find it hard because I am afraid of how fast the time is passing by which means the last time I saw my husband is getting further away.  There just isn't a way to know how much suffering one will endure when losing someone you love.

I am so sorry for your loss, I really do wish you strength through your journey.

[KayC]

Leann, 

Have you been to the doctor about your anxiety?  I have GAD, and my anxiety was through the roof after George died.  I didn't get on something right away, but probably should have been on something many years ago.  The doctor put me on Valium, against my wishes, I tried it for two days, it made me too sleepy for my commute and job, so I discontinued it and researched medicines myself.  I went back to the doctor and told him I wanted to try Buspar (buspirone).  I brought with me the information on it.  He got a bit sarcastac that I'd override him, but I told him, I have a vested interest in my health and that makes it my business.  I told him the Valium hadn't done much for my disposition either!  He prescribed the Buspirone (generic of Buspar) and I've been on it ever since, I intend to be on it for the rest of my life.  I no longer have the panic attacks.  It takes the edge off just enough so I can cope.  I could probably do with a higher dosage to help me during the middle of the night as that's when my brain doesn't want to shut off, but I've purposely kept the dosage at the lowest so far.  I didn't want on anything that would chemically change my brain or make me a zombie.  I feel this is the safest one and it doesn't have the side effects so many have.

I really hope you'll consider it.  I have had panic attacks that resembled heart attacks and they're very frightening!  Unless you have an EKG, you can't really know the difference.

At around six months, (it can be five or seven or whatever, each person differs) is when reality seems to set in and it feels harder.  Hang in there, the intensity will lessen someday and little by little you'll begin to adjust to "life without" as I call it, and hone your coping skills.  It can take a long time to process their death, it took me about three years.  It took me many more years to find purpose and create a life I can live.  Even now I try not to analyze it too deeply and avoid comparisons as that's setting myself up for defeat.  I try to focus on what good there is today, that helps me in my acceptance of what is.

Thinking of you as you make your way through this.  I personally felt I deserved a medal when I made it one year, all of the "firsts without" were hard to get through.  I major rebelled by the time I reached Easter!  (He'd died in June).  I told my kids I wanted a regular day, I skipped church, which I never do, I couldn't handle another holiday without him, so I pretended it was just a day like any other.  The next week I had the kids up for a big dinner and we made no mention of Easter.  I think it made it all the harder because George made a big deal of every holiday, every event, every season, he lived life to the fullest and had so much zest for life!

[KayC]

15 hours ago, MaggieMc said:

Hello Leann. My partner passed away 3mths ago and I too have anxiety attacks. I thought I was doing okay and then wham! Blood pressure is through the roof... Palpitations & racing heart. Have days when I can't stop crying and find myself saying 'please' over and over again without knowing what I'm actually asking for. Exhaustion is definitely a symptom of grief and people who are grieving do require more sleep than usual. Definitely hard, I miss him so much.

Hi, welcome to this site.  I hope you'll continue to post and maybe start your own thread, telling us your story.  We'll be here for you and walk this journey with you if you want us to.  Yes, this is exhausting!  I remember getting very little sleep in those early days/months, I wish I'd taken my doctor up on his offer of a sleep aid!  At the time I thought that a temporary solution to a permanent problem.  Now I realize I made it harder on myself by not getting help...going to work on very little sleep is hard.  And you're right, we need all the more sleep when we're grieving!

[LeannC45]

KayC, 

Thank you for the response. Last week I did break down and finally ask for something to help with my panic attacks. My doctor prescribed Prozac which I have not started yet. I have a big bottle at home but when I read the side affects I got scared and decided to think about it a little more. I know I need it because sometimes my panic attacks come out of nowhere and I have a really hard time getting myself calmed down. Sometimes I can feel the onset of an attack because my thoughts and demeanor start to shift. I have not figured out how to make it go completely away in that instance but I sit down and try to manage it better. I just never know how they are going to show up though. 

I miss my husband so much and you are right I am now realizing this is real. He is not coming back and I have to figure out a new life. I just don't have a clue what that is going to look like which brings me so much fear. I am actually going to a friends today for a BBQ which is a big deal for me. I don't know if I am ready to be around a lot of people. On the other hand it has been hard to be all alone everyday after work. I have decided if I get too overwhelmed I will just leave.

I wish everyone that visits this site strength and courage to face each day. 

[Sunflower2]

@KayC thanks for your continuing guidance.  Just resurfacing on this site.  Indulged in a major meltdown this morning. It was due but I didn't expect it to be so overwhelming. A pure feeling of out of control and I guess a panic attack.  Panic attacks are new to me.   To those reading this post and those just beginning this grief journey  I can only share that we do have joyful moments and moments when we are able to set aside our grief.  These grief waves still join us and are  overwhelming and excruciating but the duration is shorter.  I couldn't pinpoint triggers and I didn't find a need to as there probably were many.  Permanence and reality of what is my life is NOW is beginning to work its way through. I'm having a major surge of flashbacks.  the life so abruptly ended. with the flashbacks are the horrible uncomfortable memories of the sudden loss.  The major life style changes, trying to put things in order, things for some reason falling apart and needing repairs and trying to learn and discover where I even fit or will fit into a life without him.  there are days when my confidence is balanced and I know I'll survive and then days where I'm so not totally ok. I've noticed the more I fight and resist my situation I make the not ok state of being into an almost debilitating meltdown that I could carry into hours and even into the next day. What I'm sharing is that we do survive these meltdowns.  For now my foundation is somewhat more settled to where I can move forward an inch today...and maybe even farther...maybe a mile.  I'm moving with hope where last week the hope was just not there enough to sustain a "normal" flow. So I'm taking you to where I was a few hours ago....a meltdown to where I am now at this moment....ready to start my day knowing there is hope.  I felt no hope last night and was angry, lost and overwhelmed.  This morning was the panic.  I rearranged my day as to what I felt I needed to do and what I could set aside. I'm looking at the afternoon as a curl with a mindless mystery book if needed.  Anything beyond that will be a gift emotionally.

[Sunflower2]

16 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

Yes, my husband passed away on January 9th so now the 9th of every month brings me overwhelming sadness. This entire year will mark a first EVERYTHING without my husband. I find it hard because I am afraid of how fast the time is passing by which means the last time I saw my husband is getting further away.  There just isn't a way to know how much suffering one will endure when losing someone you love.

I am so sorry for your loss, I really do wish you strength through your journey.

I'm only going into my 8th month but that feeling of our loved ones becoming further away is very heartbreaking,  I'm struggling and resisting this. I'm seeing myself "rowing away to a new shore looking back to the old shore knowing I can't go back."  that thought is excruciating but from those that traveled before us in this journey and with counseling I understand this is how grieving is. I don't like it.  That's my resistance and I need to work through the resistance. The resistance I'm finding for myself is not good but a natural part of the process.  It gives me a feeling I have some control or say in this.  In our real world we don't.  I find what I can control in these moments.  Even if it is reorganizing a small cupboard or cleaning out the coffee pot or wiping down the counter top unnecessarily.

[LeannC45]

OMG, I can so relate to finding meaningless tasks to do to busy my mind and soul. I had to move right after my husband passed away & I was so uncomfortable and scared. I decided to try and line some of the cupboards in the kitchen and half way through I quit. I didn't have the energy or patience with my new anxiety that I live with. Now I have one shelf that looks amazing and one that only has a liner half way across. I have started exercising again which clears my mind. I found that if I take a class with an instructor I am so focused on following her direction and feeling the physical pain that I don't have a chance to think of anything else. It has been a struggle getting myself there but on the days that I can get there I am always proud of myself. 

You are also right about resisting the grief. At first crying all the time was a shock to my body and I would resist it now I know that it is part of my day. When I need to cry I just go with it. I now understand what people mean when they say lean into your emotions instead of running away or covering them up with alcohol or other negative things. These emotions that hurt so bad are normal and necessary to find the understanding we need and experience the growth that comes from pain and suffering.

[Sunflower2]

4 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

These emotions that hurt so bad are normal and necessary to find the understanding we need and experience the growth that comes from pain and suffering.

Yes so very true @LeannC45!  Exercise is wonderful!  Just do one cupboard or even half a cupboard.  I'm just simply rearranging and cleaning and I've just managed a few small ones.  Rearranging is the beginnning of changing my life in the silliest ways.,  The cupboards were in the same order for 25 yrs.  The changing is making my new space ...of all places...simply in the cupboards. 

[LeannC45]

Yes, I say keep changes small. Some weekends my big outing is checking my mail and other days my body hurts from all the sitting, laying around, pacing that I do in my house. Getting to the gym allows you to move, stop thinking and not really interact even though you are in public. 

[Jackiag862]

Lately I feel like I’ve been distracting myself so much and pushing my feelings down. I feel like i still don’t believe this happened. When I think about that night and what happened, my heart stops and my stomach drops and it’s like just remembering a bad dream or something. I cannot believe I haven’t seen him in 34 days. I really relate to what other people said, that it’s so painful thinking that the more time goes on the longer it’s been since you’ve seen them. I hate it so much. I want him back more than anything. How is this even possible? I don’t know what to do with my life without him. And I don’t feel like I’m “single” because he’s gone, I feel like I’m in a relationship with him still and someone told me I have to accept it’s over. But I can’t. I don’t want to. I miss his voice and him coming home after work. He’s my whole heart. And now I have no ambition or desire to do anything really. I know it’s early but I can’t imagine ever being remotely happy again. And people give weird advice sometimes. I think they mean well but I just don’t want to hear any of it. 

[LeannC45]

I am so sorry, I know exactly how you feel. To be honest I am still in disbelief too. Today is five months for me and it is sinking in that my husband is really gone. The pain is so deep I now know what suffering means. I have had other traumatic things happen in my life but nothing prepares you for this. Please just be patient with yourself. Don't try to do anything until you are ready. I have been hiding in my apartment for almost five months and for me it felt like the walls were closing in on me. I am extremely lonely but not really ready to be around too many people. My heart goes out to you, I can literally feel what you expressed in your post. This is a process that unfolds in a different but similar way for all of us.

[KayC]

On 6/9/2018 at 7:22 AM, LeannC45 said:

Last week I did break down and finally ask for something to help with my panic attacks. My doctor prescribed Prozac which I have not started yet. I have a big bottle at home but when I read the side affects I got scared and decided to think about it a little more. I know I need it because sometimes my panic attacks come out of nowhere and I have a really hard time getting myself calmed down.

Why don't you talk to your doctor or pharmacist about your concerns?  Your doctor is aware of the side effects but felt it was the best Rx for you.  I worked with someone who was one it, she did great on it, but when she took herself off of it, oh man!  (Never take yourself off something like that without the doctor's help/advice, it has to be weaned off little by little and under a doctor's supervision).  I have a SIL who is on Prozac and I wish she'd been on it years earlier!  So it can be helpful to some people.  

When you go on it, don't expect immediate results, it can sometimes take up to a month to get full benefit from anti-anxiety or anti-depression medication.  That doesn't mean it will take a month, but that it can.

An important distinction about whether or not to go on anti-anxiety medicine:  Make sure your doctor knows you are grieving.  A good question to ask yourself is whether you had any anxiety BEFORE your spouse's death and if not, is this purely related to grief.  If it is, a grief counselor might be able to help you through this anxiety-ridden time.  BUT, if you have a chemical imbalance that needs corrected in your brain, medication can help that.  If you have already tried to deal with the grief and anxiety for some time and in spite of grief counseling and doing your grief work you find your anxiety ongoing or worsening, please see a doctor and get help rather than trying to tough it out alone.

This coming from my grief counselor and administrator/moderator of a grief forum (she has a degree in Thanatology):
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/07/anxiety-attacks-in-grief-tools-for.html

Notice there are further links to check out at the end of the article.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Jackiag862 said:

I feel like i still don’t believe this happened.

I can't tell you how many months I felt like this was all a bad nightmare I'd wake up from.  I can so relate to this!  I remember when the finality seeped in...I was talking to my son, feeling frantic and told him, "He's not here! Trust me, I looked, I went through all the rooms, he's gone!"  This was a few months after he died.

Sunflower,

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now.  I hate those meltdowns!  The only good thing about them is they don't last forever.

16 hours ago, Jackiag862 said:

someone told me I have to accept it’s over.

Oh God, I hate it when people say this!  Tell them to go ____!  It really makes me angry when I hear this!  Let THEM lose their soul mate and then go "accept it!"  This is a PROCESS, and a long one at that!  It takes so much time to realize fully that they're gone.  Plus your brain has been through quite a trauma!  This impacts every aspect of your life!  This is no simple easy thing we can just say, "oh well, he's gone, I accept it, moving on!"  Grrr!  People say the worst things to grievers!  If they don't have a clue what it's like they should keep their mouth shut.  Bring a casserole, mail a sympathy card, but hold off on the well meaning advice!

 

16 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

Don't try to do anything until you are ready.

Good advice!  It's so important to listen to our inner selves.  We all have different timetables and what's right for one will not feel right for another.  We handle our grief differently, just as unique as our relationships and personalities are.

[Sunflower2]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I can't tell you how many months I felt like this was all a bad nightmare I'd wake up from.  I can so relate to this!  I remember when the finality seeped in.

This is it the finality....the permanence.  The nightmares are calmer compared to the initial ones....but they are still nightmares.

[Jackiag862]

@LeannC45 exactly. It’s so frustrating and disrespectful. They have no idea what this feels like and I couldn’t even explain it to them if I tried. That’s why coming here helps me because you all understand the despair and the confusion. I would give anything in the world to have him back.