Grieving for the loss of my two elderly cats

[Beatriz]

My cats were almost 18 and 18 years old and within a period of five months both died after being diagnosed and treated for lung and kidney diseases. I am devastated by their loss. Despite being sibblings, they were very different from each other. We nursed Preta for 70 days taking her almost daily to the vet’s - we had an oxigen box made for her at home. She was so brave and fought so hard - she loved the life she had with us, she was very charming and sociable had an amazing sense of humour. Tripps was an introspective, loving cat who suffered more from moving Continents with us. He had problems adapting to our current location, much as I myself did. He was not interested in the outside world and kept close to me all the time. The circumstances of his sudden  Death a few months after Preta were cruel in a way that makes you wonder about evil. I cannot get over it as things happened in a way that lacks all compassion - life could not be that cruel, I thought and trusted. Now I have to acknowledge it is. I am sorry for writing this way but it is how I feel right now. Thank you for allowing me to express my sentiments.

[AJWCat]

Oh I am so sorry to read this. And I am sorry for your loss.

It's fine to write what you did - you are angry perhaps, it is normal.

I lost my most recent sweet cat to a horrible sudden (illness/poison??) in the space of two hours after great suffering. It was an awful passing. The loss was one thing, the death itself was so sad. Ten years before him I also had two siblings I'd had my whole young adult life. They died about a year apart both from lymphoma.

So... I know what you are going through and my last one was devastating. I have come here for a lot of support and done a lot of writing just to not go crazy with grief. I hope you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone even though we are each left to grieve and deal with our losses. Patience and taking each day as it comes and dealing with my grief one moment at a time is how I made it through the very dark days.   

[Beatriz]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful, meaningful reply. I am so sorry to hear about your losses and their circumstances. When reading about grief, I came across a reference to one of its “ symptoms “ described as the bereaved person considering that there was a kind of a conspiracy behind the circumstances of her/his Loss, such was the excruciating pain he or she felt. I hoped I was not fitting into this category, but my indignation or anger as you referred to it made it look like it. Listening to you telling me about what you went through helps me to gain some perspective and go beyond my personal experience of Loss to consider and conceive that of Another. It makes sense to do so and you deserve no less. 

[Etc]

So sorry for your loss.  I lost my cat a week ago,  and I am still dealing with bouts of anger/grief/helplessness.  Pets are innocent and it's difficult to accept the idea that they can suffer a cruel, indifferent fate.  Just comfort yourself in the fact that you gave them a great life.

[Beatriz]

Thank you for writing Etc and I am very sorry to hear about your cat. Tell me more about her/him? I fully agree with you - they are pure love and we cannot accept that they should suffer so. I feel as if I have been thrown into another life against my will. It is in the same place, but I feel utterly disconnected from it without them. This is not me, I tell myself. I do not want another life. I have not asked for it. I long for them all the time. 

[Etc]

11 hours ago, Beatriz said:

Thank you for writing Etc and I am very sorry to hear about your cat. Tell me more about her/him? I fully agree with you - they are pure love and we cannot accept that they should suffer so. I feel as if I have been thrown into another life against my will. It is in the same place, but I feel utterly disconnected from it without them. This is not me, I tell myself. I do not want another life. I have not asked for it. I long for them all the time. 

Her name was Blue Baby.  Got her for my son a couple of years ago to help him with anxiety and low self esteem.  They became fast friends.  She was always with him,  sitting on the table when he did his homework,  in his room when he was watching t.v. and in bed every night when he went to sleep.  He loved her and she loved him.  He was the only one who could hold her and kiss her without squirming.  If I had only checked the window screen the night she got out,  she would still be here.  I can't get over the feeling I let her and my son down.  I still go to the spot where my neighbor saw the coyotes attack her and call her name.  I still have a little spark of hope that she got away and will come back.  I have had a lot of dogs and cats in my life,  but her death destroyed me.  I think it was because the way it happened.  Still break down a few times a day and can't come to look at pics of her yet.    Thanks for listening.

[Beatriz]

Am here for you and listening. I relate to your feeling of having let Blue Baby down, you see I was away when my cat Tripps’ condition suddenly took a turn for the worse and it was the hardest thing for me because he was very attached to me and I cannot help wondering my absence was more than what he could bear with. Would he have recovered if I was there for him? I have to live with the question and it is the hardest thing. He was on pain medication, could barely move and I was not there for him. The Loss and the way it happened devastated me, made me look at Life differently. I think I expected more compassion, I prayed for it so. I had been there nursing him every day since he was diagnosed, I just wanted to be there for him. It seemed so unfair that in a matter of two days when I had to be away everything changed and I came back to a different life, one without him. I wish I could offer you more than my story but at the moment all I can manage is to relate to your Pain. Maybe talking about it will lead us somewhere else soon, I hope so. 

[KayC]

Beatriz,

I am so sorry for both of your losses.  18 is a very long life for a cat, I've only had two reach that age out of many cats over my lifetime.  Spending so much of your life with them, to lose them is very hard.  I know I am still missing my King George and he died nearly 12 years ago, and my Miss Mocha who died two years ago this week.  I am still missing my granddoggy Skye that lived with me much of his life, and he's been gone nearly five years.  It's hard for me to believe they've been gone this long.  My husband has been gone 13 years this month.  What seems strange is that life continues when OUR lives seem forever changed from the moment we lost one we love.

We go through a myriad of feelings when we're grieving, anger being one of them, guilt being one of them.  We think if only I'd done this, as if trying to come up with a different outcome by it.  We can rail and cry, but still, life does not return to "normal" as before.  

Losing an animal that we love, it's often referred to as disenfranchised grief, because people don't give it the recognition it deserves.  They gloss over our loss as if it was nothing.  ("Oh that's really tough, do you want to do lunch Thursday?")  But the truth is, even when we lose our spouse people don't seem to get it...because they don't, their's is still here.  They say insensitive things that if they suffered this same loss they would be appalled in retrospect, thinking what they'd said to us.  But they don't know.  And we don't want them to go through it, we really don't.  But odds are they will someday...odds are against any of us going through our entire lifetime unscathed by loss and grief.

Your feelings are very valid, no one can take that away from you or has a right to judge it.  It matters little what they think about your grief anyway, because it's YOURS, no one else can own it in quite the same way as you.

This trying to adapt to a different life is very challenging.  We're hit with memories, with reminders, everywhere, every day.  Little by little we do begin to adjust, but oh my gosh, how much time and effort it takes to get through this!  It can feel exhausting.

My heart goes out to you in your losses.  To lose one is unthinkable, to lose two must seem unbearable.  I hope you find comfort and solace here, knowing we grieve with you, we're here to listen and hear your heart's cry as you try to make your way through this.  We're in it together, the club no one wanted to join.

 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Etc said:

I can't get over the feeling I let her and my son down.

I don't know if you've read these before or not, but I hope you do, they talk about the guilt we feel when we've lost our pets.  The first one is my favorite article on it, I hope it helps you.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

[Beatriz]

 

KayC,

Moved to tears as I read your reply. Thank you ever so much for your kindest feelings and words and for being here for me. Will look up the links and articles, thank you again and again.

[KayC]

Beatriz,

(((hugs)))

[Beatriz]

I hug you back KayC. Am trying to write but this has been again a difficult week for me. 

Thank you for being there. I re-read your message many times. I tried to quote from it to comment but it was hard to select for everything you wrote made so much sense to me.

i shall try again tomorrow.

[AJWCat]

Of course it is difficult, I know what you are going through. It's just not a "72 hour" and then you are "over it" thing. In fact, sometimes weeks into the loss you get hit with a wave of grief so unexpected and profound, it's like Day One all over again. Grief is slippery that way. Keep coming here and share when and if you can. We can at least listen/read. Get it out somehow. Cry. Write. Read posts here. It is how I survived. 

[AnneHunter]

@Etc. Thank you for telling us about Baby Blue. My heart goes out to you and your loss. You are a very good Dad I can tell this and your son knows this. I too am full of what if:s with the loss of our cat to a coyote. The pain is fierce, the tears are plentiful and the recrimination can be unending. I wish I could take all the sorrow away. There is always hope  and I so nderstand your heartache. I found tufts of Camillo:s fur in the neighbour’s yard the day after the coyote was on our property. And despite all the evidence Ibstill hope he is going to come home. But I know that.s not true. I’m glad you have a new fur baby to love and this will be good for your boy. Take care. 

[AJWCat]

Hi @AnneHunter I just wanted to comment, I saw you posted on a few others - I am so sorry for you loss. We have had several people here almost all at once who lost their cats to coyotes. I know the pain of loss and I am sure this adds an extra layer of pain for you. I hope you are able to forgive yourself and let the guilt go. It is hard enough to deal with the loss let alone beating yourself up for what happened. 

[KayC]

Beatrice,

How are you doing?  I haven't seen you on here in a few days.  Hope you're holding okay.

[Beatriz]

. Dear KayC, I am glad you asked after me, thank you. Have been meaning to post - we had to return to the veterinarian practice twice in the last two weeks (my son adopted two kittens there and we had to vaccinate them and today they had their surgeries) My Tripps was still in treatment and we were giving him subcutaneous fluids at home - this went on for four months or so after Preta died. We got an IV pole to that purpose and had to have him on it every other day in the mornings. This started before I could recover from nursing Preta for 70 days. She had breathing difficulties and we had an oxygen box customized for her. For weeks I went on without much sleep and watching her. She slept very lightly and every time she left the bed I made for us on the living room floor she would gently rub her wiskas against my face to let me know she was up and unwell. When she died I went on sleeping very little despite of having Tripps still with me. And then he was diagnosed and his treatment started and I did not feel like waking up anymore. I developed panick attack symptoms and would only start to feel a bit better by the end of the afternoon. Tripps did not accept the drip, I had to hold him tight and sometimes he would give a piercingly deep sigh: it was heartbreaking and our home was too sad. When the new kittens came, we hoped they would keep Tripps (and my son) company and cheer things up a bit. But Tripps did not have time to get used to them. Anyway the visits to the clinics and seeing the doctor who looked after Preta and Tripps again were a challenge for me. When Tripps died, the veterinarian was the only person who dared to visit my pain - I still see him covering his eyes and sobbing with me. But now and two months later, I am expected to have “moved on”. After all there I am and I have two new kittens with me. But these are not my cats and I want to talk about Tripps and Preta instead. Actually I want to sob. I want to ask the veterinarian to review their histories, to tell me everything that happened with them, to give me back every memory he has of what went on with them, particularly with Tripps when I was away. And then I don’t. I know I’m not supposed to - there is no offer of support for pet loss and people are in a hurry to gloss over it, as you mentioned. 

Thank you for listening.

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

No, you're not expected to "move on", only by those who don't get it and haven't experienced it.  Even others who have lost animals might not get it because their relationship wasn't the same as yours was.  Give yourself all the time you need.  And if you need help with the anxiety attacks, don't be afraid to ask your doctor for it.

Actually there are grief support groups for pets, if you are near a big city you might find one, ask around.

Pet loss is one of those disenfranchised griefs that people don't always give just due to it, but they should, it's THEIR lack of knowledge and understanding though and not yours.  Continue to grieve however long you need, it's a process and not easily overcome.  Gosh I'm still grieving my granddoggy, Skye and he's been gone almost five years!

[AJWCat]

Yes @Beatriz and maybe coming here and writing helps too? 

I had to take my cat to an emergency clinic - totally new Dr./staff - we were on vacation. The whole episode was about 2 hours at the clinic and I declined an autopsy. I was so angry that something "got" my cat and so sad - he was gone, it was over, so what did it matter? In hindsight, I wish I had found out what happened.

I understand you wanting to talk about it w/ the vet, especially about the end. It all happens so fast - and I know you were not there entirely. Your brain is still processing it all. For me, acceptance has been the biggest challenge and yet what I most needed to do. To reach a place of peace that my cat's last hours were awful but I was there with him and it was relatively fast. And he had a wonderful life. I must hold onto to that and not let myself focus on the end and what I can never change. It's not easy. 

As KayC who has been the wisest person I've met here says, take your time and grieve. And maybe write. We are here for you.  

[Beatriz]

. Dear KayC, I am glad you asked after me, thank you. Have been meaning to post - we had to return to the veterinarian practice twice in the last two weeks (my son adopted two kittens there and we had to vaccinate them and today they had their surgeries) My Tripps was still in treatment and we were giving him subcutaneous fluids at home - this went on for four months or so after Preta died. We got an IV pole to that purpose and had to have him on it every other day in the mornings. This started before I could recover from nursing Preta for 70 days. She had breathing difficulties and we had an oxygen box customized for her. For weeks I went on without much sleep and watching her. She slept very lightly and every time she left the bed I made for us on the living room floor she would gently rub her wiskas against my face to let me know she was up and unwell. When she died I went on sleeping very little despite of having Tripps still with me. And then he was diagnosed and his treatment started and I did not feel like waking up anymore. I developed panick attack symptoms and would only start to feel a bit better by the end of the afternoon. Tripps did not accept the drip, I had to hold him tight and sometimes he would give a piercingly deep sigh: it was heartbreaking and our home was too sad. When the new kittens came, we hoped they would keep Tripps (and my son) company and cheer things up a bit. But Tripps did not have time to get used to them. Anyway the visits to the clinics and seeing the doctor who looked after Preta and Tripps again were a challenge for me. When Tripps died, the veterinarian was the only person who dared to visit my pain - I still see him covering his eyes and sobbing with me. But now and two months later, I am expected to have “moved on”. After all there I am and I have two new kittens with me. But these are not my cats and I want to talk about Tripps and Preta instead. Actually I want to sob. I want to ask the veterinarian to review their histories, to tell me everything that happened with them, to give me back every memory he has of what went on with them, particularly with Tripps when I was away. And then I don’t. I know I’m not supposed to - there is no offer of support for pet loss and people are in a hurry to gloss over it, as you mentioned. 

Thank you for listening.

 

 

 

 

 

[Beatriz]

Thank you so much KayC and AJWCat and I am so sorry for your losses. Writing as I did I may not have expressed myself clearly. I am satisfied with the care both my cats received from the local practice. Their doctor was very devoted and tried his best fighting for their lives. Yet the long periods of nursing and treating them at home were very hard on them and on us - to no avail as we lost them both. Everything revolved around them and we willingly changed and adapted the flat and our lives to accommodate their needs and care. It is hard to accept such an outcome, predictable as it may seem from various points of view and the medical one. Basically my life has been altered in a way I cannot recognise it - and I feel utterly lost without them, my beloved and true children whom I so loved and cherished. It’s hard to pretend otherwise and I do not see how or when I am going to feel better about it. I found this poem the other day it sounded piercingly true

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied”

BY EDNA ST. VINCENT MILLAY

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied   

Who told me time would ease me of my pain!   

I miss him in the weeping of the rain;   

I want him at the shrinking of the tide;

The old snows melt from every mountain-side,   

And last year’s leaves are smoke in every lane;   

But last year’s bitter loving must remain

Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.   

There are a hundred places where I fear   

To go,—so with his memory they brim.   

And entering with relief some quiet place   

Where never fell his foot or shone his face   

I say, “There is no memory of him here!”   

And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

 

 

[AJWCat]

It's beautiful and heartbreaking. I agree it is life altering. I will never be the same person after going through what I went through on the last day my cat lived. It changed me. I will forever fear my "new" cat's end in a way I never did before. Many people here I am sure would agree with their various traumatic and awful losses. Often they are not peaceful. 

No matter how much medical intervention, eventually - like all creatures, us included, you were going to lose them. Without the sadness there can be no joy. We would have no measure for it. So now you really are forced to create a new life.

I have learned to be stronger, not because I wanted to but because I had to. For me, I also have to have a cat in my life. So after a few months we adopted another kitty. She has not and will never replace my other guy. I appreciate the differences. And I cry over the differences. But she still brings happiness and I am glad to give one more cat a home. 

You may feel alone in this, but you are not. I am so sorry.

[Beatriz]

Dear AJWCat,

Thank you for your touching honesty and for understanding so well my sentiments and for forgiving my frame of mind, too. That your loss has brought you here to be with me with your compassion and endearing words gives me hope. I am apalled at the way I was forced to reconsider my views on life and I now fear something called Cosmic Irony. I studied literature and the concept on irony and how it can be used as a literary and plot device - It never appealled to me much because of its cruelty. I remembering telling my son, who is pessimistic to the core, that our second cat could simply NOT be that ill, that the universe did not work that way, that we deserved some balance, that a good turn would follow a bad one... How could I be that naïve, or was it an arrogance to expect to be spared from more excruciating suffering before having had the chance to numbly recover from the first round.

Looking back, I was such a fool. Definitely a happier one. That life can be that Cruel makes me like if less by far. I have a deep contempt for cruelty and fear its damage. I’d rather not to be forced to look at it in the eye.

I thank you heartily for sharing with me - am in awe of the peace you convey. 

Beatriz

[Beatriz]

And please forgive my typos and mistakes, I am visually impaired and writing too fast for my skills. ❤️ Beatriz

[KayC]

My life has never been the same since grief entered into it.  Thursday was my husband's birthday, tomorrow and Tuesday will be the anv. of his death...13 years (he died on Father's day but that year it was the 19th, that's why I have two anv. of death).  Life is forever etched into a before and after.  And all of the pets I have lost since, King George (cat), Chappy (cat), Tigger ran away after he saw my husband wasn't coming home (cat), Lucky (dog), Skye (granddoggy), Miss Mocha (cat).  I've also lost my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, a niece, a nephew, other pets, and now a sister.  Grief has become a way of life, a part of life's cycle...loss, change, forever adjusting.  We are never the same again.  I'm glad for my faith, glad that I know we'll be together again, glad for that hope!

[Beatriz]

I am so sorry to hear about your various losses KayC and about the most recent one, that of your sister. As you name them ( and I too have previously some of my dearest friends and family members ) I am reminded of how much grief is part of life - but one does not really want to get used to it nor do I see how one loss can ease the way out for subsequent ones. I    Also, as one of my sister pointed out the loss of a pet can sometimes be felt more intensely as from them we have not a single memory which is not filled with the purest love ever. But we have experienced love differently and there is no way I can figure out how it may feel to have lost your husband and soulmate. And then to go on loving and being here for others, thank you so much. Like your Tigger, I too felt like running away when my second cat died. My family decided not to inform me before my arrival and bluntly lied to me when I was on my way from a long distance and in between airports, sending messages which read he was “stable” - when I heard the news upon arrival I told them I’d come back but for him. And I think if I had heard before i’d have been unable to face the last part of the journey back on my own. KayC, I too believe that we will all meet again. Then, I will be whole again.

 

 

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Beatriz said:

one does not really want to get used to it nor do I see how one loss can ease the way out for subsequent ones.

I wouldn't say it eases the way for another one, but having survived my horrific loss, I've learned so much on my grief journey that I have been able to apply to subsequent losses as well. 

 

12 hours ago, Beatriz said:

Like your Tigger, I too felt like running away when my second cat died.

Tigger affixed himself more to George than me...when I would be fixing dinner, George would play with Tigger with the laser light.  You don't realize how much your pets grieve too!  Tigger hung around for two months, apparently waiting for George to show up.  I'll never forget it, he took one long last look at me as if committing me to memory, turned tail, never to be seen again.  He was only a year old.  I hope he fared okay, with all the wild critters around and not used to foraging for food, I don't know how long he could last. But it was his choice.  I hope he found another home to be in.  I suppose the doom and gloom in my home at that time probably wasn't a very fun place for him.

12 hours ago, Beatriz said:

I too believe that we will all meet again. Then, I will be whole again.

Yes indeed!

[theresa71]

i too loss 2 cats 15 and 18  years old i love as my own babys it hurts so bad and i am sorry for your loss too 

[Beatriz]

Hello theresa71 - I am so grateful you wrote and related to my losses even when you are experiencing yours. I noticed the dates for your cats’ losses and how recent and close to each other they are. I can imagine what you are going through. I wish I had something to say to reassure you that things are going to get better but I am still far from being at peace with what happened to my beloved friends and just miss them desperately. I miss the life I had with them, I miss their Love and at each passing day I realize how much I relied on them to get through. I feel utterly alone without them. I would like to hear more about your cats - their names, what happened to them, what they meant to you. I will check if you wrote more about them under another topic. Theresa, I am thinking of you.