Permanence

[Sunflower2]

September 24, 2017....the beginning of an excruciating overwhelming loss I've never experienced with such intensity.  The feeling of permanence seems to sneak in slowly.  This week it hit hard.  The reality of the permanence of him being gone. Devastating! Intense flashbacks of our physical connection when we first met.  Missing him physically in so many ways that a month ago even years ago I never thought imaginable.  We don't think of such a loss until it hits us!  Yesterday my therapy session was so overpowering with grief that I was physically exhausted and knew it was a day I had to detach from everything!  I came home spent the day in bed.  Napping and doing mindless movement.  This morning I was hit again with the permanence of this loss. Feeling alone and so totally out of sync. Even feeling displaced from our happy places and our weekend community.  Realizing the 1 year mark is right around the corner.  I cant even imagine getting through that day at this moment.  Going on 8 months and not even grasping how I survived those months yet I did.  Very hard to explain to those beginning this journey.  The reality of him gone is intense.  The feelings are overwhelming yet it isn't that piercing initial shock and raw feeling like your entire being has been split open from the sudden unexpected loss.  I'm sure someone on this site who has traveled before me can work this post in a way that will help others.  The physical loss is entering a new unknown space of disconnect and feelings. Emotions up. Emotions down. In a matter of split seconds. Even moments of guilt still although not crippling.  Asking myself, "what did I not do?"  "What could I have done?"  "Did you really know how deeply I loved/love you?"  "Can you feel me?" "Can you see me?"  "Why did you leave?"  I thought my faith was strong.  Yet I know those with strong faith experience these questions.  so conflicting at times. I don't feel removed from my beliefs or detached.  I just want him back!!!   Feelings and wants we all have.  Right?

[LeannC45]

I understand the slap of reality regarding permanence. I use to negotiate with God promising everything if I could just wake up and hear my husband closing the front door. I imagine his face, his smile the things he use to say to me. He always use to say "hurry home to me". It makes me smile because I use to give him a hard time and say I had to stop a million places before I got home. Now I want so badly to say, " I will hurry home to you my love". I don't know in some ways I know my husband even better because I sit and think of everything about him all the time. I want to tell him he was right about a lot of things and I can't. I see things that I know he would find funny and I can't tell him about it. Honestly I just don't know how to live without him. I wish you strength on your journey and I thank you for sharing. 

[KayC]

Oh Sunflower, my heart goes out to you in your anguish!  Try not to think about tomorrow or one year mark or the rest of your life, be only in this moment, it is enough to make it through this moment.  When you get close (a couple of weeks) to your one year mark is time enough to plan for that.

You are hit with reality and it's a hard hit.  Nothing can prepare us for this.  It's the most jarring thing to realize and to have to get up and face each day knowing he won't be home to greet you tonight.  He didn't get asked if he wanted to leave, both of you were powerless to stop it, that can leave you feeling victimized, angry.  But knowing this wasn't a choice for him is consolation, hopefully.  I do remember railing at George for leaving, railing at God for not doing something to stop it!  I think it's all part of this journey.  Nothing makes sense.  We cry until we're spent.  Yes, Leann, I think we've all tried bargaining...until we realize it's met with deathly silence.  

I tell George everything anyway.  I can't say for certain he hears me, but neither can anyone prove he can't.  I do know he's there, he's alive, he's somewhere, in spirit form, my beloved still exists.  His perspective has changed, he sees things in a greater way now.  He still loves me, I still love him, we are still soul mates.  My best friend, through all time as our wedding rings state (TAT).  He used to put that on his notes and letters.  No death, nothing can fully separate us.

[LeannC45]

Awe, that makes me smile. I know that I still love my husband and he loves me. I heard something that said your soulmate is someone who is willing to tell you the truth about yourself. I honestly believe my husband got who I was through and through. We had the same sense of humor, we loved to gossip with each other. LOL..Not good but it's something we like to do. I know I was lucky to have loved the way I did to begin with.  Some people don't find the love of their lives so when I think about the huge blessing that was I am grateful.

 

[Tamimi]

I so understand your feelings and I'm sorry.  I'm at 3.5 mos. out and I'm just now starting to look at pictures.  I see us smiling and happy and can't comprehend how that life is over.  Just gone.  How is that face I looked at and loved for over 33 years only a memory?  It hurts so bad.  I try to remember he died a happy man blessed in life.  But why did it end so early?  I have always had strong faith and believed in an afterlife in heaven, but right now I feel I need confirmation of that all the time.  I hope this new day is a little better for you.  We all understand.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

your soulmate is someone who is willing to tell you the truth about yourself. I honestly believe my husband got who I was through and through.

We had that too.  My husband always told me he found comfort that whatever I told him, even if it was hard it was to hear, he knew it came from a place of love, he could trust me to tell him the truth.  We always "got" each other, understood each other, had faith in each other.  That's why our relationship was so perfect for each other, we were perfect TOGETHER, and I've never had another relationship like this.  We can't help but miss them, we had what others only covet.

19 hours ago, Tamimi said:

I have always had strong faith and believed in an afterlife in heaven, but right now I feel I need confirmation of that all the time.

Tell yourself every morning that he is in heaven and watching over you in a caring way. I truly believe their life continues, it's passed through that veil, transformed into what is next, and we'll be there with them someday, they're paving the way for us.  When we get there we won't fear the changes, we'll be with them!

[Nicash]

Sunflower,

 

im sorry for your pain and I could just feel it as I read your post. That pain is horrid. 

I just experienced the one year mark (a month ago) and it hit me in a way I never expected. I was really down for the count. My school work and regular work distracted me, and when the actual date of his passing came I was okay because I had obligations to fulfill. But as each day passed in the month of May I felt like the life had been sucked out of me. I was severely depressed. I felt hopeless and joyless. These emotions have begun to lift this past week and I am grateful for that. Try not to anticipate anything, any dates. It usually is never how we anticipate. Grief is funny, it hits us when we don’t expect it and sometimes we are fine when we expect ourselves to crumble. It is simply unpredictable. As others have said, take it day by day is all we can really do. And each day that passes, be proud of yourself for making it through. It is a beyond difficult journey. You will get through it even though you don’t feel like continuing. 

[Sunflower2]

thank you to all above .  All so Reinforcing and supportive and uplifting.  I did however engage in an obviously needed meltdown this morning.  Interesting as I was avoiding dates...denial.  everyone is referencing dates and I'm like why?  stay in the moment. right?   That is total denial and now feeling and acknowledging that the dates are important and they are going to have an impact regardless of how much I avoid them.  Now I'm not avoiding them and cringe at that thought.  Dates represent reality!  Dates are bringing to surface the permanence of my (our losses) losses.  whew! reality of permanence….yuck!!!!

[CMoore]

Sunflower2...I am new to this site and I feel thankful to have found others who are experiencing the same things. I too am coming up on a year since I lost my husband (August 27, 2017) I feel for you so much....the pain and heartache is so overwhelming at times that I, also, just shut down myself and have had times that I just stayed in bed! As I was reading your post I couldn't help thinking: wow, I'm so glad that there are others that know what I am going through but, also, crushed by the intensity of your pain....my heart goes out to you. The other day I was walking through a grocery store that I haven't been in since Kevin passed, I could just see him walking in front of me and as I walked up behind him I could almost feel me putting my arms around him. It was such an intense memory...I had to just leave the store before I completely broke down. 

[Sunflower2]

4 hours ago, CMoore said:

Sunflower2...I am new to this site and I feel thankful to have found others who are experiencing the same things. I too am coming up on a year since I lost my husband (August 27, 2017) I feel for you so much....the pain and heartache is so overwhelming at times that I, also, just shut down myself and have had times that I just stayed in bed! As I was reading your post I couldn't help thinking: wow, I'm so glad that there are others that know what I am going through but, also, crushed by the intensity of your pain....my heart goes out to you. The other day I was walking through a grocery store that I haven't been in since Kevin passed, I could just see him walking in front of me and as I walked up behind him I could almost feel me putting my arms around him. It was such an intense memory...I had to just leave the store before I completely broke down. 

grocery stores!  whoever thought going about the ordinary would be painful!  we are trying to build a new world within the world we know. In time much to our surprise it will feel like home again. .My return to our Saturday morning trips to the outside market even during winter months has been put on the back burner for now.  My first return on a Saturday was panic.  I miss the morning Saturday joy. I miss the venders.  I miss everything about those Saturday mornings but that is how it is for now. Movement is important!  From the beginning I made myself get out for one thing each day.  As I look back to those first few months I cant even comprehend how I navigated that car from point A to point B. I actually can say that with a chuckle because had I been pulled over I would have melted into overwhelming sobs.  Think of this...plan one thing!  A trip to the gym.  A massage.  a simple outing. A carry out.  A pedicure. A manicure.  The dollar store.  The market. Getting to an appointment.  a walk.  any attempts in meeting up with a friend were to walk!  I couldn't sit and meet.  I didn't want the focus to be on my emotions.  With walking I was focused on health...moving forward...doing self care.  I visualized get this one thing done and I had the rest of my day to get home and curl up under the covers.  On simple outing in time turned to extended time out of the house.  That extended time may be just 10 minutes!  Pain will partnered as you attempt movement...self care.  Nourish your soul, your spirit even with the pain.  Bathe in lavender  and bubbles.  I sometimes do two soaks a day. This 2xs a day soak has balance out.  Initially it was critical.  Morning and night!  Yep I occasionally tossed in a midday soak to this ritual.  Movement can be going to the store an buying a new hand lotion. A candle. A bar of soap. A favorite cookie.  These little things helped me move into the major things we eventually have to address.   the pain of the loss is with us.  that we can't toss out.  The movement is our way to begin to soothe it.  Too make it fit.  It is to find our new world with our loss.  At this moment I'm stuck because I'm afraid I will lose him.  I have lost him I just have to integrate this loss and know how to be with him in this new ordinary world.  I need to begin to allow myself to partner with him...…..his energy.  His love.  His spirit that was so strong.

I work with a therapist weekly.  It helps tremendously but even with that we will carry the sadness and the pain of our loss.  this week I planned a mid week 3 day stay at our happy place.  Its a place I've revisited numerous times since Wayne's death.  I'm cancelling out today.  it is feeling just not right emotionally and financially.  Also I think this trip will reinforce even more the permanence.  A permanence I'm afraid to allow myself to accept.   I'm sure those who walked before can guide us through this stage as we begin to crawl into this acceptance stage.  I feel if I accept this permanence I will have lost him completely.  I know we don't let go but I feel permanence is letting go???? 

 

 

 

[BSL]

1 hour ago, Sunflower2 said:

I work with a therapist weekly.  It helps tremendously but even with that we will carry the sadness and the pain of our loss.  this week I planned a mid week 3 day stay at our happy place.  Its a place I've revisited numerous times since Wayne's death.  I'm cancelling out today.  it is feeling just not right emotionally and financially.  Also I think this trip will reinforce even more the permanence.  A permanence I'm afraid to allow myself to accept.   I'm sure those who walked before can guide us through this stage as we begin to crawl into this acceptance stage.  I feel if I accept this permanence I will have lost him completely.  I know we don't let go but I feel permanence is letting go???? 

Sunflower2,

Your words reflect much the way that I feel about my wife. The difference in your journey and mine is I am 2 years further since our losses. Yet, that "permanence" still makes me anxious. Perhaps my level of acceptance is also further along with time, but, there is always a deep feeling of my life with my wife receding into the past.  I'm curious, if you don't mind me asking, what your therapist thinks of your mindset?

B

[KayC]

Staying in the present does not mean you don't notice dates or have to deal with anniversary of death, etc.  They're hard to get through and it helps to have a plan in place.  Many of us prefer to go through it with a close friend but many prefer to be alone.  My husband died on Father's Day and my kids are busy celebrating Father's Day with their dad and others are busy with their families on that day so I'm alone on that day and have been every year since.  I've gotten through it, it's hard.

Being in the present just means you try not to focus MERELY on the past to the exclusion of what is good in this day.  It doesn't mean you're unaware of what day it is.  We still have to plan for our future financially, etc.  

[Sunflower2]

3 hours ago, BSL said:

Sunflower2,

Your words reflect much the way that I feel about my wife. The difference in your journey and mine is I am 2 years further since our losses. Yet, that "permanence" still makes me anxious. Perhaps my level of acceptance is also further along with time, but, there is always a deep feeling of my life with my wife receding into the past.  I'm curious, if you don't mind me asking, what your therapist thinks of your mindset?

B 

This acceptance is beginning to surface. so we are moving into this area. Its part of the process.  will reconnect on this.  It is another painful step.  Overall keeping it simple is these feelings move in and out.  They come in waves and eventually the waves are not tidal waves.  I'm feeling a tidal wave at the moment with "permanence."  I would guess in time it would be where you are in that there will be that flashback or feeling of our loss that will make us anxious.  Just not a tidal wave or a panic attack or running away from it.  Not sure that makes sense its just a mix of what I'm pulling together in feelings and thoughts from postings here, the therapist and just what I've picked up in my daily healing loss meditations.

[Sunflower2]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Staying in the present does not mean you don't notice dates or have to deal with anniversary of death, etc.  They're hard to get through and it helps to have a plan in place.  Many of us prefer to go through it with a close friend but many prefer to be alone.  My husband died on Father's Day and my kids are busy celebrating Father's Day with their dad and others are busy with their families on that day so I'm alone on that day and have been every year since.  I've gotten through it, it's hard.

Being in the present just means you try not to focus MERELY on the past to the exclusion of what is good in this day.  It doesn't mean you're unaware of what day it is.  We still have to plan for our future financially, etc.  

yes the balancing of the past and the now is the present.  it's my being in denial of not wanting to deal with the dates and that denial is dissolving.  Does that make sense?  I was so focused on getting through the moment and finding ways to handle just the little everyday losses that I couldn't even imagine anniversaries.  My first birthday without him was a shock. His birthday without him was a shock.  Thanksgiving I managed with two separate gatherings with groups of friends and survived. Christmas was spent by myself. That was also a choice.  I cooked our favorite dinner and sat down in his spot at the table. An anniversary of his death? I'll have to see how that unfolds. That for sure will be a shared post on this site.  We hear so much about anniversaries that I can't help but wonder.  A one year anniversary of his death compared to 35 years of being together.  It is just so surreal.  Our birthdays were a celebration of us.  We weren't married so that is one anniversary I don't have on my plate as so many others do. We didn't have a ritual of celebrating anniversaries so this is very new.  So the one anniversary is the day he died.  There are so many moments that were unspoken anniversaries.  I'm going to have to roll with that.  I sincerely hope this makes sense to anyone reading this.  

[KayC]

Oh, it makes sense!  It's something each of us deals with...

[Sunflower2]

On ‎6‎/‎10‎/‎2018 at 12:04 PM, Sunflower2 said:

I'm curious, if you don't mind me asking, what your therapist thinks of your mindset?

@BSL I'm not sure I can even present the content in its richness. what she shared worked with me but I'm only presenting it in a tiny piece.  I've already internalized it. To present it differently would be going into the textbook intellectualization mode and that is not healing for me.  What is shocking is that my degrees are in the area of social work/counseling and there isn't a stitch of that knowledge that is making this easier.  I don't even toss that out.  Grief is a shattering life experience. You don't move through it with an intellectualized approach.  Again therapist have different approaches for different clients.  The one that I work partners grief with PTSD.  She sees the loss of a spouse accompanied with research as one of life's major stressors.  PTSD walks hand in hand with grief.  We have emotional calendars.  I'm responding to this emotional calendar because there are many triggers in June.  No anniversaries but triggers as to where we were a year ago this month. The triggers activate the trauma.  We react as one would react having PTSD. That is the best I can do.  In the end it all fits into what everyone has shared on this site through their experiences and raw feelings.  we all internalize it different but it all goes back to what we all have in common...the loss of someone we loved unconditionally. hope this provides some ???? Those that have walked this journey before many of us as you have BSL are the ones guiding us more than any textbook could.  A textbook as a massage can be a tool but it doesn't compare to hearing other human experiences and their walk through this. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

Grief is a shattering life experience. You don't move through it with an intellectualized approach.

That is for sure!

[Michelene]

On 6/10/2018 at 10:23 AM, Sunflower2 said:

yes the balancing of the past and the now is the present.  it's my being in denial of not wanting to deal with the dates and that denial is dissolving.  

i understand this completely. I feel so bereft, at 6 months, and feel the denial dissolving as well at times. I feel that many of the things I have done since my Eric passed have been like the labors of Hercules--like in some myth or fairy tale--if I do them, I can awaken the sleeping prince; Eric will come back to me. I think that has been in the back of my mind without my knowing it for quite some time. For the first 6 months I had no nightmares at all, paced and paced, but dreams were nothing unusual, and when my husband appeared in them, it was loving and smiling. Just recently I have been having horrific nightmares to the point I am afraid to go to sleep. (I am seeing an EMDR counselor now). I feel that is due to some of the denial dissolving, or being unable to hold it at bay anymore. 

[KayC]

Michelene,

I've read about the EMDR, let us know how that's working for you.  For those who don't know what it is:

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-using-eye-movement.html 

Also there's EFT:
http://blog.healthjourneys.com/update-from-belleruth/emotional-freedom-technique-eft-may-look-weird-but-if-it-gets-the-job-done-do-we-care.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html

Just additional avenues to explore to help you through this.

[Sunflower2]

9 hours ago, Michelene said:

i understand this completely. I feel so bereft, at 6 months, and feel the denial dissolving as well at times. I feel that many of the things I have done since my Eric passed have been like the labors of Hercules--like in some myth or fairy tale--if I do them, I can awaken the sleeping prince; Eric will come back to me. I think that has been in the back of my mind without my knowing it for quite some time. For the first 6 months I had no nightmares at all, paced and paced, but dreams were nothing unusual, and when my husband appeared in them, it was loving and smiling. Just recently I have been having horrific nightmares to the point I am afraid to go to sleep. (I am seeing an EMDR counselor now). I feel that is due to some of the denial dissolving, or being unable to hold it at bay anymore. 

Beautiful efforts and a beautiful share!  Last month was a good month for sleep.  June is a struggle with the nightmares as you mentioned.  Understand all you shared. These are these relapses that are part of this healing journey, I'm all in support of attempts at everything! EMDR is a positive outreach. Perhaps its the beginning of the finality/permanence of our reality as we know it today. This newness....xo