Members Glolilly Posted June 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 5, 2018 Hello all, I'm new here. Can't find local support. School teacher husband died in front of me at home. 2 college sons and I did cpr but he was pronounced dead on arrival. I'm a school nurse who had guilt for months along with shock. The fog is just now lifting as reality is seeping slowly in. My heart aches for my sons 22 and 24 who have one more year of school and have never been on their own. Also I see the 4 bedroom and 3 bath home as too large. His black truck in the garage is hard to walk by as I hold unto it for just in case. I waited in church, a virgin, for the right man and married at age 34. Tomorrow is our 26th anniversary. He died at age 57 of arteries hardening (cardiac arrest) and his father did the same at the exact same age, 57. I'm like, why me. With all the vitamins I brought him, it seemed genetics won. I was the good girl out of the family but look what good got me. I hate pity from other people but it's hard to stop the, "I'm so sorry for your loss". At first I was in denial and used to secretly think, what are they talking about, everything is good. I wished God had let me in on this death day before I married. I know that sounds awful. I can't imagine striking gold twice at my current age, looks and shape. I just turned 60 the end of April. It took 6 months of piles of paperwork,full time working distractions, low energy and restless nights, to finally arrive here--- 6 months. It's real. It's real. It happened. He's truly gone. Not coming back. The gravestone you ordered, is for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 5, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted June 5, 2018 9 hours ago, Glolilly said: I was the good girl out of the family but look what good got me I am so sorry for your loss. Good or bad has nothing to do with it, loss and grief can strike anyone. The bible says it rains on the just and the unjust, I don't try to find rhyme or reason with what happened, life/death happened, it just does. It's hard. My husband barely turned 51 when he died, he looked the picture of health. There are many here in their 30s or even younger going through this. Life isn't fair, no one ever promised it would be. You say look what good it got you, it got you 26 years with a good man and two grown children. I didn't meet my husband until my mid-forties so we didn't begin to get as long together as I would have liked or expected, but I'm thankful for each moment I got with him and would not trade it for anything. The love and the memories that continue with me sustain me now, I learned so much from him and our time together. It may be hard to hear "I'm sorry for your loss" because you don't know how to respond (thank you suffices) or you may want to be in denial and not face reality, that is a part of this process. It's not easy, that's for sure. You might contact GriefShare and see if they have a chapter in your area. Anniversaries can be hard to get through after our loss. Here is an article with links to others about those special days that are hard. (Even reading one about Valentine's Day can be applicable.) Maybe writing him a letter, it's kind of soon to face eating at his favorite restaurant, but you get the idea, something that honors him and acknowledges the specialness of the day even in his absence, I like to think they're aware and realize what we're doing and feeling. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/h.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeannC45 Posted June 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 5, 2018 I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in January from the flu that ended with cardiac arrest right in front of me as well. I on the other hand didn't even think of doing CPR I was frozen in fear and disbelief. It all happened so fast I struggle to understand what I saw and experienced. I lost my Dad eight years ago but the loss of my husband has brought me to a low that I have never experienced before. I know exactly where you are and all I can say is hang on everyday with everything you have. Some days my goal for the day is just to make it through work & then I go home and lock the door and sometimes go to bed. Some weekends I go on a walk by myself and breath the fresh air and think of my husband. I wish you strength along your journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BrokenHeartedinGA Posted June 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 6, 2018 Leaann, I lost my husband on 4-23 and my Mother 4 years ago. The loss of my husband has affected me just as you say. Some days the goal is just to make it though the day. Reading these posts is helpng me. I have met with a grief counselor, EAP counselor, and attended a grief support group. I keep praying for peace. I came home from work and found my husband. He had died of a heart attack, but 911 had me try CPR and the medics came and worked too. I knew he was gone though. The memory haunts me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeannC45 Posted June 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 6, 2018 Because my husband passed away right in front of me. I am haunted as well. I keep thinking that if I would have been instructed to do CPR that maybe he would have lived. The "what if's" are what takes me to my knees. I keep playing it back and thinking that my husband was afraid and that is what kills me inside. I don't know I hope we all start to feel better day by day. I know there is no easy way, so finding the little bright spots is all I can hope for at the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Glolilly Posted June 12, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted June 12, 2018 Most cardiac arrests happens at home. It is good to know cpr but if it isn't practiced often most forget how to do it. But a lot of times cpr won't and can't help. As soon as the EMS arrived and hooked my husband up to the monitor I could see it was a flat line and that even shocking would not do anything. We do what we are able to do at that particular moment in time and that is considered giving it all we have in us. Some things are between God and the spouse and hasn't nothing to do with our wants and desires. It's an individual affair, just like we came into this world as a separate person. God bless us all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeannC45 Posted June 13, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 13, 2018 I appreciate that response. We celebrate our arrival and mourn our departure. I am mourning my life partner and my identity. Nothing about my life will ever be the same again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Glolilly Posted June 13, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted June 13, 2018 I figure my new identity will be in between my before marriage and half of my after marriage. I keep telling myself I can pretend to be the former single, a 33 year old, living independently in my own apartment as a hospital nurse taking care of myself. But then I quickly remember that I now have additional stuff and remnants from the marriage that abruptly ended. So I figure if I can lose this extra weight and maybe I can manage the new me. So I think after my sons move out I'll sell this big house, truck, extra furniture. I'm sure the memories will remain but unlike a computer in which you can wipe the hard drive clean, people can store or have storage pop up by triggers. God made us this way but some memories can be good hopefully later on. I really see that only God can really fix and change us for the better. I remember a story in the Bible where Peter was requested by widows to heal a sick lady who made coats and garments for widows. Her name was Dorcas, Acts 9 : 39. I hope we can be fruitful through this loss and be blessed in our giving and we too will have joy again! Amen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 13, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted June 13, 2018 13 hours ago, Glolilly said: Most cardiac arrests happens at home. It is good to know cpr but if it isn't practiced often most forget how to do it. But a lot of times cpr won't and can't help. As soon as the EMS arrived and hooked my husband up to the monitor I could see it was a flat line and that even shocking would not do anything. We do what we are able to do at that particular moment in time and that is considered giving it all we have in us. Some things are between God and the spouse and hasn't nothing to do with our wants and desires. It's an individual affair, just like we came into this world as a separate person. God bless us all. True enough. My husband died of a heart attack while in the hospital. He had a whole team working on him, they couldn't save him. My husband had an effect on me to the extent that I am not the person I was "before George" and never will be again. The same can be said for him. I remain in our home, he loved it here, in the mountains, he called it "our home in the clouds", nothing fancy, just an old mobile home on a piece of property, but we loved it and it's ours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeannC45 Posted June 13, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 13, 2018 Yes, I am really trying to focus on the gits I received in having my relationship with my husband. All the things I have learned about myself during our marriage and especially everything that I am coming to realize now that he is gone. They say don't waste your suffering, find what you are supposed to learn out of every circumstance in your life. That is where I am right now. I am trying to find understanding and surrender to the fact that I am not in control. I have learned to try and get through my life day to day right now. I find that if I try to plan too far out it causes me too much anxiety. I don't have answers right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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