My two cats passed away within a month of each other and I'm having a difficult time coping

[cathym]

Hi Everyone,

I lost my 10-year-old cat, JJ, over a month ago after his periodontal disease came back after many surgeries and I guess it affected other parts of his body.  Then, I just lost my other cat, Chip, just two weeks ago when he suddenly developed severe liver problems.  I live alone and am on a fixed income.  I had spent so much money on the first cat that passed away, that I didn't have time to began saving money in case my other cat fell ill, which he did.  My vet said it would require extensive surgeries and I guess his liver panel was so high, she couldn't believe it.  Anyway, I'm feeling such sorrow and guilt...that I couldn't save Chip.  These cats were my everything and I can barely express to anyone how this whole thing has affected me.  I work for an in-home pet sitter in my area, so I still get to take care of animals, but they aren't mine.  I miss them all the time.  At night, when we would all climb in bed, in the morning when we would get up together, all of the things we would do.  It's breaking my heart.  I would like to know if anyone can share their experiences and what they did to begin the process of healing.  I'm literally physically ill now since this has happened.  I just feel lost, truly.  Any suggestions would be welcome.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your losses.  Losing our pets is one of the hardest things we can go through.  I lost my husband 13 years ago this month, since lost our dog, cat, plus two new cats I had adopted since.  The one remaining cat is 23 and they won't work on her teeth because of her age, so it scares me what is to come.  I adopted a dog nine years ago, he's ten and my life, but I know my time is limited with him as he's large and they don't live much past his current age.

It's important to allow yourself to grieve, feel the pain, cry, it's how we process our grief.  After a period of time you may want to consider adopting again...it never replaces the ones we had but it does help fill that void.  For myself, I can't imagine my life without pets in it.

I wrote the following based on my 12 year journey of loss of my husband, but some of the tips apply to other losses as well, so I hope there's something that will be of help to you. 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[AJWCat]

Cathy, I am so sorry for your losses. That is very tough, I have been there (believe me.) I was totally traumatized at the loss of our last cat.

The rituals that we have in place day and night that end just like that, are so hard. At least you do have some animals you can interact with. 

Also... please do not feel guilty about not having the money to deal with all the things for Chip. Sadly, like people, animals get a lot of things as they get older. Sometimes the costs but the stress and discomfort to the animal is not worth it in the end. It is so sad but at least they do not suffer endlessly and we give pets a way to get peace over pain. 

 

[Beatriz]

Hi Cathym I do relate to your losses - I lost my two cats recently within a period of five months. The pain from the first loss was excruciating but she put on such a good fight that we and her doctor just followed suit. Each day we brought her back from having fluid drained from her lungs and watched her eating was a gift we fully appreciated and were grateful for. The second loss was sudden. Tripps was in treatment for kidney disease, his test results had shown improvement, he was stable, the doctor was optimist and then in two days he died. I had had to be away for a few days and was on my way back when it happened. They said he was only waiting for me as his condition rapidily deteriorated. I only learnt about it upon arrival. I had postponed travelling for as long as I could,arriving at my destination one day before deadline and returned as soon as I possibly could. I had been nursing him day after day for months, minding his every move day and night. I thought and was reassured by doctor that nothing much would change in the few days I was away. Everything changed. You say you can barely explain how it has affected you. I say that it was too much for me. I recognise what you describe quote .  I miss them all the time.  At night, when we would all climb in bed, in the morning when we would get up together, all of the things we would do.  It's breaking my heart.  I would like to know if anyone can share their experiences and what they did to begin the process of healing.  I'm literally physically ill now since this has happened.  I just feel lost, truly. unquote word by word. Know that you are not alone going through this. 

[theresa71]

i know how this is i do i loss 2 of my cats that i love as myown  babys i am haveing a very hard time also i cant even look at a picture of them its like rubing rock salt in a open wound

[AJWCat]

18 minutes ago, theresa71 said:

i know how this is i do i loss 2 of my cats that i love as myown  babys i am haveing a very hard time also i cant even look at a picture of them its like rubing rock salt in a open wound

@theresa71 I am so sorry for the loss of your two cats. Were they both ill? I did not see a post with your story. I know your pain very well. I lost two as well (although they went about a year apart) and my last one I had 10 years and he died a sudden awful death over the summer. It is incredibly painful. I thought I would be better prepared and I was not. It was traumatic and it took me a week just to almost believe it. I was in shock, I was grief stricken. It took a lot of patience and basically time to start to heal. I felt guilty and very angry about losing him. I would be okay for part of the day and cry that night. Grief is unpredictable. I wish I could tell you something more...but we love them so so much, it is just not something that we "move on" from. I will say as much as you may not believe, you will be okay, you will heal and eventually you get to acceptance and some peace. Pain is replaced with happy memories. It's just not easy especially those first few weeks.  

[KayC]

I looked in her activity, it's in Coping with Loss, a section I've never ventured to.  Theresa, you might get more response if you had the moderator move it to the Loss of Pet section.  Anyway, here it is:

I'm very sorry for your loss as well.  It's very hard to adjust to.  I hope you will go back and read through some of the threads here, maybe it'll help to see some of the journeys others have been through, to know you are not alone in your feelings, they're very valid and it does take time to begin to adjust to the changes it means for your life.   (((hugs)))

[Gigi1959]

Hi cathym,

First off, I am so sorry for the loss of your two cats. I too am a cat lover and have loved (and lost) cats through out my life. Every cat I had was special and had their own unique personality and traits. I want you to not feel guilty about Chip and here is why...it sounds like Chip was very ill and even if you had the money... he might have still died. Think about your cats and how much you loved them and they loved you. That is best thing you could ever do. You did not let either cat down... they know you loved them (I promise).  They are in a better place where they are happy and not sick. I think you should adopt another cat. While a new cat will never take the place of JJ or Chip, you have love to give and there are cat(s) that need someone like you. You said you are on a fixed income... maybe yourself or a friend could start a go fund me page if you need a few hundred dollars (or whatever amount you need). There are also places that will provide free cat food, check with your food bank. You need to get some love back in your life. It doesn't mean you are forgetting about JJ or Chip... it means you are taking care of your emotional well-being and are letting a cat love you again. You are deserving of that. There is a cat that wants love from you. Take care.

[AJWCat]

I agree! I had to adopt once I was able a few months after losing our guy. Animals, cats in particular as I am more a cat person and live in an apt. so it is easier, are part of what gives me joy. My "new" cat will never replace my other one. She is very different. In some ways she makes me miss him more, and in some ways, I love her funny, different personality. Take your time but there are a lot of cats that need good homes and love.