I can't cope with the loss of my fiance...

[Fiza]

I hate being told how to grieve!

So many people have told me that I shouldn't be upset or angry at his death because he wasn't family or blood relative but I spent 3 years of my life with him. There is certain things that I know about him that no one else does. All that matters is that I loved him surely, that's enough for me to be able to grieve. 

I cry, I get angry, I look at photos but nothing helps the pain. It still hurts as much as when he died 6 weeks ago. Nobody understands. I feel like when I open up to people don't know anything because they say the wrong things. I finish my therapy sessions and feel worse than when I started them. I know its going to take time but I won't move on I know that. We were as strong as ever when he passed away and myself moving on even in the future seems impossible. Especially, when he have a 2 year old boy. Its been 6 weeks... please stop telling me to move on!! 

I MISS him SO MUCH. His laugh, His smile, His voice, the way his eyes smiled when he smiled. I miss having breakfast with him. I miss not waking up to him.

He died in our home. I couldn't go back there because all I saw and relived was the day he died. I have recently gone back there. its been 4 days and its hard. sleeping in the same bed we shared. I have lost so many people in my life but this loss has been so difficult. I can't cope. I have even thought about self harming but realised that he's never going to be reason why I do it but sometimes the hurt gets so much that I feel like I'm drowning under all these emotions.

[KayC]

No one has the right to tell you how to grieve.  What you are experiencing is disenfranchised grief, that is, grief that others aren't attributing full value to.  It helps to come here, to go to a grief support group, someplace where others get it and and don't discount your grief.  I've belonged to a grief forum for nearly 13 years and under Loss of Partner section, we have had people who lost a boyfriend/girlfriend, a spouse, a fiance, and no one ever considers one less than another...to each person, their loss is the greatest.  To compare is to devalue, something we should never do to another.

That said, I realize you can't change other people or their responses.  It's been said that grieving updates our friend list, for sure!  We learn who is really there for us, who is a positive and who is a negative, and frankly, we don't need negatives around right now!

I'm sorry your therapy isn't helping.  It's perfectly okay to seek another grief counselor if this one isn't helping you.  Sometimes we can feel worse after a session though because of the subject matter, it's hard to go through but part of how we process our grief.  It's okay to cry, to grieve, there's no way to circumvent it or I would have found it!

[Fiza]

Thank you so much for your advice. x

[Tracy0523]

I know exactly what you mean, tomorrow will be 1 month that my person left this world and it gets worse as each day passes. 2018 was supposed to be our year where our future was really starting to happen and he is now gone. I have no advice because I can't deal with my emotions right now, just wanted to let you know that I am going through the same thing:( Brent was my person, my everything and we always said no matter what, we got this and had 50 years to go, we don't got this one though. 

[KayC]

Tracy, what a beautiful picture of the two of you, how young you both are!  It was a shock to us at 51, I can't imagine how much more shocking it was to you at your age!  It used to help me to look at the month or year anv of death as a kind of badge for having survived that long because when you think about it, it really is a kind of a feat.  In the beginning I didn't see how I could go a week without him!  It's not that I'm helpless, I'm strong and independent, but he was so much a part of me and my life!

Thinking of you as you go through this day.

[Jackiag862]

On 6/12/2018 at 7:15 PM, Tracy0523 said:

I know exactly what you mean, tomorrow will be 1 month that my person left this world and it gets worse as each day passes. 2018 was supposed to be our year where our future was really starting to happen and he is now gone. I have no advice because I can't deal with my emotions right now, just wanted to let you know that I am going through the same thing:( Brent was my person, my everything and we always said no matter what, we got this and had 50 years to go, we don't got this one though. 

That sounds so much like me and my boyfriend. It’s been 5 1/2 weeks. He is the love of my life truly. We loved each other on a crazy level it was so amazing. 2018 was gonna be our year too. We were so excited for our future together. Even when the **** was hitting the fan in every aspect of our lives we would just find so much love and solace in each other. We both couldn’t believe the love we had found in each other even after 3 years together. I’m so sorry any of us have to go thru this. It probably sounds so messed up but I get so angry and i think there’s so many awful people in the world why couldn’t it be one of them and not the love of my life? Or the loves of your lives? It’s not fair. I hope we all get through this together ❤️

[JBSC01]

Unfortunately I know how it feels. I too lost the love of my life, my best friend, future wife unexpectedly at the prime of her/our lives at only 34. This is soo exhausting 24/7. She had soo much more living to do and goals to accomplish for herself and we as a couple had soo many years left together and milestones to hit, like getting married, having kids, buying a house with a pool and dogs, traveling etc.. and now thats all gone, ripped away. I constantly ask WHY? and repeat nooo, nooo, noooo, and this cant be real. How can she just be gone?!! i dont get it, it doesn't make sense, this is not how things were supposed to happen.

The pain, the longing, the missing is her, is so strong and constant. She was so beautiful, young, precious, smart, funny, loving,  how can this happen to her, to me, to us, its not fair. How can the perfect someone for you, your true love, someone you create a bond stronger than anything with get put into our lives, just to be ripped away?!   

I feel so empty, broken, defeated, that i just want to give up and throw in the towel but i know i cant, somehow, someway gotta crawl, then limp, and walk to the finish line. 

I dont have much advice on how to cope or move forward because i have no idea myself.  I'm only only 2 months in and i'm totally lost, hurting so bad, going crazy, screwed up. All i can say is like everyone says, one day at a time, min, sec, breath whatever, and just move in a forward direction no more how hard or impossible it feels because it does. What other choice do we have besides killing ourselves which I know we've all thought of many times but would never do because we know that thats not a good or proper solution.

The little advice i can give is to get support anyway you can, from forums like these, to talking to friends and family even though they dont truly understand they can offer an ear and a hug which often provides a little comfort at least, and then theres the professional help through grief support groups, and one on one grief counselling. Try not to isolate too much, sometimes we need to and thats ok, but not too much, theres a good balance i think.. And definitely dont hold your feelings in for too long, there will be times when we need to hold it in like I do when i'm at work or in public, but as soon as I get in the car and drive home all i do is scream and cry. Same as when i wake up in the morning hoping it was all just a nightmare and then realizing its real I will scream into the pillow and cry til I cant anymore. So let it out whenever, however, cry, scream, talk about feelings to anyone that will listen. If someone asks how are you say your shitty, or if its a stranger say im just getting by, for me personally I'm not going to lie and say i'm OK or fine when im not and seemingly never will be again. 

[Fiza]

Thanks guys for all your support. I was a bit hesitant sharing my loss experience online but this is where i'm getting supported the most.

Always here x 

[KayC]

I don't know what I'd have done if not for a grief forum like this when I lost my George.  That's where I felt the most support too, it's where everyone gets it, and I learned so much from it.

[Melissa Douthit]

I am a complete and utter mess my fiance went to visit his ma and help her fix some things around her house just 5 hrs away and I stayed home and he was gone two weeks and died April 17 2018. I called him several times and finally a woman answered and asked me if I was Missy? I was starting to freak out because I didn't know what I was about to hear... I said yes and she said hold on Jamys mother needs to speak to you . I will never ever forget that dreadful phone call.. I said hi , then what is going on ? Where's Jamy...she said Jamy passed away ... I actually asked her if she was Kidding around but she confirmed it and said no he died of a heart attack... I died that day too. He was the one and only man I could ever love . A unforgettable spirit. I just want to go be with him already.. life is not the same anymore. I read his love letters . I look at his old text...I stare at his pictures and just sobb till I can't breathe. I hate this feeling. I hate that I am still here. I want the pain to go away but it won't... He was my life. He was so funny.. I understand what you all are going through. I hate that I am still around the house crying bringing every one down.. RIP return if possible... couldn't have said it better.

[Melissa Douthit]

The hard thing is waking up without his precious face sleeping right in front of me...I would be staring at him and he would just feel me staring he popped one eye open and caught me staring at him . I laughed so hard because he would say the funniest things like you better stop plotting on me or just make some crazy joke. He was my best friend . He took care of my ma drove her to and from work when she became double vision. He was the first faithful man like truly devoted to me , as I was to him....I could be with him and the world disappeared.. I don't talk to my family about it much because they want me to move on or they say think of the Happy times ... Or you need to be strong.. so I came here to talk to people who know what having your heart ripped out feels like. I used to be suicidal and I hung myself in Jamys apartment he saved my life .. he happened to just come back for something and I know he was my Angel . I am here because God sent him to save me . I was drinking not thinking clearly. Jamy turned my life around he made me want to live .. I will never attempt something so permanent again but I won't deny that it hasn't crossed my mind...but I rebuke that evil spirit. My Jamy is waiting with God for me .. I will be his forever.. I don't date nor do I desire to . I can't replace him ... No man will be worthy because it isn't him... It's absolutely insane how much this hurts . Thank you all for your sharing your experience too ... I know it's hard but I don't feel so alone. I feel like finally some people who understand what I'm going through.  God bless you all and may your pain  ease away. .. I pray it gets easier for all of you too .. 

[KayC]

Melissa...how long has it been?  I'm so sorry.  My husband died of a heart attack too.  You guys look so young, I have a daughter named Melissa who is 36, you look even younger.  My husband just turned 51 when he died.  We were in each other's lives 6 1/2 years, he was my soul mate and best friend, my lover, my everything.  I didn't see how I could live a week without him, let alone the rest of my life.  It's been 13 years, I want to share an article I wrote of what I've learned, what's helped me...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.