Members LeannC45 Posted June 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 2, 2018 I have been looking at this site thinking about writing my story. I have decided that I am ready today. I lost my husband five months ago unexpectedly. We had been together for almost 18 years. Together for 10 and married for almost 8. This emotional roller coaster of loss is a hard one to get my mind around. At first it didn't feel real, it was almost like I could just skip his service in my mind and still wonder where he was. Now at almost five months I know he isn't coming back and the overwhelming grief that I feel consumes me. I use to negotiate with God as if there was a way I could wake up and all of this was just a bad dream. My negotiations have stopped and now I beg myself to try and find the light in each day instead of hurry home to lock myself in away from the world. My husband was only 41 when he passed away from the flu. He got sick on a Saturday and was gone by that Tuesday. I feel so much guilt and wonder why I couldn't save him. I play back in my mind over and over again what I could have done differently to be his hero. I miss him so much and I never imagined I would be a widow at 45. I am struggling with which way to go in my life now. I have heard that when you don't know what to do be still and let things unfold but in the stillness I feel like I am in hell. So painful....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeannC45 Posted June 2, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted June 2, 2018 Found a text from my husband when we were going through a hard time that says "We fight to hang on and we fight to let go". It makes me cry so hard because I don't want to let go. I wake up thinking of every word he has ever said to me. I think of his smile, I think of every fight we ever had and wish I wouldn't have been so stubborn and needed to have the last word. I think of all of our future plans that will never be fulfilled. I miss his smell, I miss his big loud laugh. I sleep with his favorite shirt next to my face imagining when he used to wear it. How am I supposed to find joy without the one person who loved me for me no matter my flaws. I honestly do believe I will see him again but selfishly I want him back. I write him letters and then delete them. I journal when I am up to it, I talk to him out loud every day. I simply feel like I will never be the same. I don't want to be single. For some reason everyone keeps saying you will find someone again!!!!! I don't care about every having someone new I was lucky to have someone love me the way my husband did for 18 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lisaislost Posted June 3, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 3, 2018 Leann, I’m sorry for your loss. Your timeline is similar to mine. I don’t want to be a widow either. And i cannot picture myself with anyone else. I feel ripped off. I have not had anyone say to me I’ll find someone. I can’t imagine being told that this early in my journey. I haven’t touched his closet, how could i ever think about someone else. I’m not one to curse but i would certainly tell anyone who said that to go pound sand. It’s obvious they have not had their world turned upside down. Keep the faith! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tamimi Posted June 3, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 3, 2018 My husband died suddenly of cardiac arrest 3 mos ago. I often think how wonderful it would have been to be his hero also. But I wasn't and now I'm a widow hating every step of this journey. I had a couple of "ok" days this week, then I had a trigger and I've hardly stopped crying for 2+ days. I miss him so incredibly much. I look forward to when our happy life memories bring smiles instead of tears. I'm sorry for all of us that our lives have been turned upside down and the future is a scary place right now. I do have faith I will see him again, but until then its going to be hard waiting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 3, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted June 3, 2018 On 6/2/2018 at 9:45 AM, LeannC45 said: I feel so much guilt and wonder why I couldn't save him. I am so sorry for your loss but welcome here, we're all on this journey together. Guilt is a part of our grief, it's as if we're trying to find a different outcome, but the truth is, we would have done anything for them and couldn't save them, that's hard to swallow, but it was out of our hands. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html My husband was barely 51, I was 52, we'd met in our mid 40s and we were so happy and in love, we thought we'd have years and years left together! He died of a heart attack, he was the picture of health and seemed in the prime of his life. Weird how everything can be fine one day and the next your whole life is turned upside down. On 6/2/2018 at 10:49 PM, Tamimi said: I had a couple of "ok" days this week, then I had a trigger and I've hardly stopped crying for 2+ days. Such is the emotional roller coaster of this journey. Triggers come unbidden, leaving us to deal with them in their wake. Reaching more and more of those okay days is to be coveted. I'm sorry it's been so hard for you. On 6/2/2018 at 10:58 AM, LeannC45 said: It makes me cry so hard because I don't want to let go. We know our life as it was is past but we can still hang on to the love that we share, knowing it remains still. As Tamimi said, it's hard waiting. We have to continue to live our lives in this present moment even while in the back of our minds we await getting to be with them again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeannC45 Posted June 5, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted June 5, 2018 Thank you so much to those that left a reply. It really does help to have people that understand what losing a spouse feels like. It is so scary, it feels like you are free falling or like you are trying to hold water in your hands. I am lost in a continuous cycle of thoughts and emotions that pull me away from my daily life. It's almost like a part of my brain is not available because I am too preoccupied with the loss I feel. I have found it rather dangerous while driving and I have to make a conscious effort to stay present so I don't get in a wreck. At work is a whole different story. I read the same things over and over and probably only take in a third of the content. It is a real struggle in every part of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 6, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted June 6, 2018 23 hours ago, LeannC45 said: It's almost like a part of my brain is not available because I am too preoccupied with the loss I feel. It's exactly like that! Your brain has endured trauma, you will likely never be the same again, but don't let that frighten you, there's a whole host of us here that have and are making our way through this. I found it was hard to do my job because it required perfection and my brain just wasn't functioning like normal. Little by little it returns. It took me a year before I could watch t.v. or a movie, it took me TEN years before I could read a book all the way through just for pleasure. I still don't feel the same about doing my hobby (it's 13 years this month), it's like the interest just isn't there like it once was. I've kept my supplies in the hopes someday I'd be back to it but now I'm beginning to doubt that will happen. You are right that it's a struggle. And as for driving, there were times I had to pull over and get myself together (I had to commute 100 miles/day). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeannC45 Posted June 6, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted June 6, 2018 KayC, Thank you for responding. I know parts of me have changed forever. I think that is where some of the fear comes from. Who am I supposed to be now if I am not a wife anymore. I planned on being with my husband forever and the flu came in and snatched him out of my life in a blink. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 6, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted June 6, 2018 I guess those things are what you will figure out. This will take time, much much time. But then there's no hurry, we have the rest of our lives. It took me years to find purpose, to build a life I could live. It's nothing like my previous life. I'm alone so much, whereas we did everything together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted June 9, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 9, 2018 On 6/6/2018 at 10:34 AM, LeannC45 said: I know parts of me have changed forever. I think that is where some of the fear comes from. Who am I supposed to be now if I am not a wife anymore. I planned on being with my husband forever and the flu came in and snatched him out of my life in a blink. We grieve the loss of our loved ones but from what I'm learning we are grieving the loss of our parts that were us in our relationship. we are overwhelmed with grief but also our lifestyle changes. Understanding we no longer fit in that space. we begin to ask ourselves where do we fit and learning we have to create new spaces and new connections. knowing too it cant be what we had or felt in our relationship with someone we loved so so much. Those that have traveled before us are teaching us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeannC45 Posted June 9, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted June 9, 2018 Sunflower2, You are so right we are learning from the people before us. I am so grateful that I found this site. I have friends and family that I get support from but there is something different that you get from someone that has walked in your shoes. I am starting to understand what I am feeling and give myself some grace through this process. Being a Taurus I use to be impatient and very critical of myself. I am learning to let go of a lot of expectations and time frames. I literally take my life day by day now trying to find bright spots and grace in all things. My husband was a very happy lighthearted person and if you looked my way I would be the one that was very intense and serious. I want to carry more of my husbands traits with me moving forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted June 9, 2018 Members Report Share Posted June 9, 2018 5 hours ago, LeannC45 said: Sunflower2, You are so right we are learning from the people before us. I am so grateful that I found this site. I have friends and family that I get support from but there is something different that you get from someone that has walked in your shoes. I am starting to understand what I am feeling and give myself some grace through this process. Being a Taurus I use to be impatient and very critical of myself. I am learning to let go of a lot of expectations and time frames. I literally take my life day by day now trying to find bright spots and grace in all things. My husband was a very happy lighthearted person and if you looked my way I would be the one that was very intense and serious. I want to carry more of my husbands traits with me moving forward. beautiful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 10, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted June 10, 2018 22 hours ago, LeannC45 said: My husband was a very happy lighthearted person and if you looked my way I would be the one that was very intense and serious. That is us! He was the one that was fun, had a zest for life, spontaneous. I, the one that made sure bills got paid, chores done, stable. Together we were better and a great team! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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