Gone Away

[JBSC01]

Unfortunately I find myself joining this nightmare of a club. I'm Josh, I lost my Girlfriend, Love of my Life, Best friend, etc etc. of 4 years 6 weeks ago unexpectedly, shockingly, i'm 35 my baby (Stacie) was just 34. For the past 4 weeks iv'e been scouring the internet looking for people who understand this type of loss, torture, agony since i dont know anyone personally that has experienced a loss of a partner or spouse. let alone at a young age. I've found many articles, videos, forums on the topic including this one. Reading about people who truly understand this hell seems to actually help a little bit, this forum in particular is a blessing. So I've been silently reading everyones posts here for the last 3-4 weeks and can relate and ditto pretty much everything that everyone says here about their loss, feelings, etc..So just a quick intro, and wanted to share a music video (old song from my HS days) that hits home to everyone here and lyrics. 

Lyrics

Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal it's so unfair

And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it feels
Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away

Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and Hail Mary's
Can't bring back what's taken from me
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would

And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you've gone away

[KayC]

I'm sorry for your loss.  I'm 65, lost my husband nearly 13 years ago, but there are a lot of young people here, keep reading and posting, we're here for you.  Thank you for sharing that, really hard.

[LeannC45]

I am sorry for your loss. The lyrics to the song do feel like thoughts I have on a regular basis. I am nearing almost five months without my husband and the pain is so great that it literally takes my breath away and stops me in my tracks. I have been thankful to find this site and I do see a therapist once a week. Sometimes I feel like it helps and other times nothing matters other then my amazing husband is gone and anything short of me having him back will not make me happy again. I thank you for sharing your story and just know that you are not alone. I know that loss is a part of life but I find that it is the most brutal, confusing one to navigate. I wish you well.

[JBSC01]

On 5/30/2018 at 6:37 AM, KayC said:

I'm sorry for your loss.  I'm 65, lost my husband nearly 13 years ago, but there are a lot of young people here, keep reading and posting, we're here for you.  Thank you for sharing that, really hard.

I'm sorry for your loss as well. Wow 13 yrs, idk how you do it, i cant even imagine another second without her, this pain is unreal.  And thank you, I will do that. 

 

9 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

I am sorry for your loss. The lyrics to the song do feel like thoughts I have on a regular basis. I am nearing almost five months without my husband and the pain is so great that it literally takes my breath away and stops me in my tracks. I have been thankful to find this site and I do see a therapist once a week. Sometimes I feel like it helps and other times nothing matters other then my amazing husband is gone and anything short of me having him back will not make me happy again. I thank you for sharing your story and just know that you are not alone. I know that loss is a part of life but I find that it is the most brutal, confusing one to navigate. I wish you well.

And I'm sorry for your loss also. Yeah i think we all can relate to the lyrics no matter your beliefs. I know they say day by day but i'm just hr by hr or even breath by breath. Yeah I've never been someone who believes that a therapist or counselling could help with anything but I'm willing to try anything at least once. I did try going to a grief support group and listening to others stories but didn't seem to help. I'm right with you on feeling anything short of not having her back doesn't help and the fact that i know logically that that will never happen eats me alive, the pain is insane. So brutal. Thank you, and best wishes in your journey too. 

[LeannC45]

JBSC01, 

I just want to tell you that I have never been a fan of therapy despite the fact that I probably should have sought help many times in my life. This loss is so great that I literally had no choice. I can't stay in my mind alone, it is not a safe place. I spiral on thoughts of "what if's" that cause me not only grief but a guilty feeling that takes over every part of my soul. I keep trying to figure out how to make this change knowing that nothing I do will make this go away. I think surrendering to the reality is the hardest part. You fight the truth and then let go and give in to the facts. I am along with everyone here learning to live and function while suffering. It is an unfamiliar, draining way to live. I had a decent day yesterday but it took everything I had to accomplish that. It's like good days no longer come on there own I have to make an effort to find a bright spot and meet possibilities halfway. I don't know I feel like I am rambling but this is a prime example of how my brain works everyday.  A million thoughts that I have to sift through praying that I just make it through the day. 

[KayC]

The only thing I'd caution is to seek a GRIEF COUNSELOR, not just a wannabe...a lot of them say, "Sure, I do grief counseling" and then you find them inappropriate with what they guide you...ask if they have a degree in Thanatology. 

[Sunflower2]

On ‎6‎/‎6‎/‎2018 at 10:32 AM, KayC said:

The only thing I'd caution is to seek a GRIEF COUNSELOR, not just a wannabe...a lot of them say, "Sure, I do grief counseling" and then you find them inappropriate with what they guide you...ask if they have a degree in Thanatology. 

@kayC  my counselor is not solicited as a grief counselor but she has been phenomenal.  She doesn't have a degree in Thanatology. As with any profession we will always have the good the bad and the ugly. When I did start my search I did interview 3 therapist before making a decision. I'm going to say I must have been blessed that it worked. Interesting that the one I went with did not share she lost her husband 5 years ago.  This was shared a few months into my working with her. 

[KayC]

Ahh, so that is where her experience comes from.  

I just don't want anyone to get one like the one I had right after George died.  He was clueless and didn't have the sense to realize it, a dangerous combination!

[Sunflower2]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

I just don't want anyone to get one like the one I had right after George died.  He was clueless and didn't have the sense to realize it, a dangerous combination!

Even with that experience she may not have processed it in a healthy way to counsel.  There are so so many horrible therapists working with people that haven't worked on their own personal issues and yes their demons.   ALL therapists, to be a good therapist, needs to work with a therapist throughout their career.  I'm sure that rule of thumb isn't even taught in the psychology classes today.  It was drilled into us.  I'm so sorry you had to experience a really bad apple. here's an extreme example but this is a true example.  A woman on her 6th marriage working in this helping profession.  One of her areas is "marriage counseling." She sure has the experience does she not??? I wouldn't ever refer anyone to her. 

[JBSC01]

On 6/5/2018 at 7:57 AM, LeannC45 said:

JBSC01, 

I just want to tell you that I have never been a fan of therapy despite the fact that I probably should have sought help many times in my life. This loss is so great that I literally had no choice. I can't stay in my mind alone, it is not a safe place. I spiral on thoughts of "what if's" that cause me not only grief but a guilty feeling that takes over every part of my soul. I keep trying to figure out how to make this change knowing that nothing I do will make this go away. I think surrendering to the reality is the hardest part. You fight the truth and then let go and give in to the facts. I am along with everyone here learning to live and function while suffering. It is an unfamiliar, draining way to live. I had a decent day yesterday but it took everything I had to accomplish that. It's like good days no longer come on there own I have to make an effort to find a bright spot and meet possibilities halfway. I don't know I feel like I am rambling but this is a prime example of how my brain works everyday.  A million thoughts that I have to sift through praying that I just make it through the day. 

I can echo all of those thoughts exactly, and I do talk to family or friends (hers and mine) sometimes and read through this forum which is all a small comfort but I also feel no matter how much therapy or support groups I try no amount of words can possibly help me because all the pain and torture I feel is from her being gone and missing her 24/7, and no one can give her back to me, that reality at least right now kills me and I honestly dont know if i can do this anymore. This is just kicking my ass every single minute, I used to think I was a strong guy dealing with depression, anxiety, worry etc. on the daily before this and could "easily"(relatively) handle all that but this is a whole other ball game. This is like all of that combined times a million. 

[Sunflower2]

10 hours ago, JBSC01 said:

I can echo all of those thoughts exactly, and I do talk to family or friends (hers and mine) sometimes and read through this forum which is all a small comfort but I also feel no matter how much therapy or support groups I try no amount of words can possibly help me because all the pain and torture I feel is from her being gone and missing her 24/7, and no one can give her back to me, that reality at least right now kills me and I honestly dont know if i can do this anymore. This is just kicking my ass every single minute, I used to think I was a strong guy dealing with depression, anxiety, worry etc. on the daily before this and could "easily"(relatively) handle all that but this is a whole other ball game. This is like all of that combined times a million. 

The pain is there.  I also feel there are not enough words that can take away the pain. I do see having a toolbox readily available to use has been helpful. Sometimes just one word can amount to gold.  Yet understanding that that one word is simply a  tool to hold us up for a moment.  I pull many words out of my toolbox.  I pull many self care tools out of my toolbox.  I pull prayer out of my toolbox. I pull thought stopping techniques out of my toolbox. I pull out my journal from my toolbox.  My toolbox is my unique creation that includes uplifting suggestions of words or ideas shared from a friend, a support group member, a therapist, a book, a massage, a candle, a conversation with my loved one, this forum and even comfort foods etc.  Even with a toolbox we still have to walk through the grief waves.  Grief waves that carry all thoughts and feelings all of us have shared here. Grief waves are very overwhelming and powerful.  Grief waves steal our energy.  Grief waves do make us feel out of control.  One can't build a house without a toolbox.  find what works and create a toolbox.  If one tool isn't working reach in and grab another tool.  There will be times where there are no "right" tools available in time of need.  That may be when you discover a new tool.  Crawling under the covers is a tool many of us have used on this site.  In grief you can create the tools that will work for you. 

[LeannC45]

Josh

I know right where you are. I promise you that getting some help does bring some relief. The pain of losing my husband will always be there because he left too soon. I had to reach out because I had to learn how to move forward. I don't even know what I am supposed to do but I will figure that out later. I wish you strength on your journey. Just try to move forward a little at a time. This is all a process that takes time. Be kind to yourself.

[LeannC45]

Sunflower

I thank you for your post about having a toolbox of actions and words to pull from. 

[JBSC01]

On 6/12/2018 at 5:45 AM, Sunflower2 said:

The pain is there.  I also feel there are not enough words that can take away the pain. I do see having a toolbox readily available to use has been helpful. Sometimes just one word can amount to gold.  Yet understanding that that one word is simply a  tool to hold us up for a moment.  I pull many words out of my toolbox.  I pull many self care tools out of my toolbox.  I pull prayer out of my toolbox. I pull thought stopping techniques out of my toolbox. I pull out my journal from my toolbox.  My toolbox is my unique creation that includes uplifting suggestions of words or ideas shared from a friend, a support group member, a therapist, a book, a massage, a candle, a conversation with my loved one, this forum and even comfort foods etc.  Even with a toolbox we still have to walk through the grief waves.  Grief waves that carry all thoughts and feelings all of us have shared here. Grief waves are very overwhelming and powerful.  Grief waves steal our energy.  Grief waves do make us feel out of control.  One can't build a house without a toolbox.  find what works and create a toolbox.  If one tool isn't working reach in and grab another tool.  There will be times where there are no "right" tools available in time of need.  That may be when you discover a new tool.  Crawling under the covers is a tool many of us have used on this site.  In grief you can create the tools that will work for you. 

Thank you, the toolbox, and pulling the tools out to use is a really interesting analogy. Now if i just knew how to use these tools, guess i just have to pull them out one at a time and figure it out. Yes the grief waves at least now come hard and are very little breaks in between and even the breaks are not calm water theyre extremely rough. Idk how to do this every single sec is a struggle and exhausting. I just want my baby back is that too much to ask? and unfortunately the answer is yes and that kills me. I just want to jump off a bridge or crawl into a big dark hole literally because im already in a figurative one. God help us all. 

On 6/12/2018 at 8:05 AM, LeannC45 said:

Josh

I know right where you are. I promise you that getting some help does bring some relief. The pain of losing my husband will always be there because he left too soon. I had to reach out because I had to learn how to move forward. I don't even know what I am supposed to do but I will figure that out later. I wish you strength on your journey. Just try to move forward a little at a time. This is all a process that takes time. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you Leann. I try but its excruciating. Trying to go forward and crawling at the moment and barley at that, feel like an infant falling on my face every 2 seconds. 

[LeannC45]

1 hour ago, JBSC01 said:

Thank you, the toolbox, and pulling the tools out to use is a really interesting analogy. Now if i just knew how to use these tools, guess i just have to pull them out one at a time and figure it out. Yes the grief waves at least now come hard and are very little breaks in between and even the breaks are not calm water theyre extremely rough. Idk how to do this every single sec is a struggle and exhausting. I just want my baby back is that too much to ask? and unfortunately the answer is yes and that kills me. I just want to jump off a bridge or crawl into a dig dark hole literally because im already in a figurative one. God help us all. 

Thank you Leann. I try but its excruciating. Trying to go forward and crawling at the moment and barley at that, feel like an infant falling on my face every 2 seconds. 

I really am so sorry. Today has been an especially hard day for me as well. I wish you strength and send out prayer for all of us.

[KayC]

On 6/11/2018 at 3:28 PM, Sunflower2 said:

A woman on her 6th marriage working in this helping profession.  One of her areas is "marriage counseling." She sure has the experience does she not??? I wouldn't ever refer anyone to her.

But perhaps she has learned from her mistakes, no?

[KayC]

On 6/12/2018 at 5:45 AM, Sunflower2 said:

I do see having a toolbox readily available to use has been helpful. Sometimes just one word can amount to gold.  Yet understanding that that one word is simply a  tool to hold us up for a moment.  I pull many words out of my toolbox.  I pull many self care tools out of my toolbox.  I pull prayer out of my toolbox. I pull thought stopping techniques out of my toolbox. I pull out my journal from my toolbox.  My toolbox is my unique creation that includes uplifting suggestions of words or ideas shared from a friend, a support group member, a therapist, a book, a massage, a candle, a conversation with my loved one, this forum and even comfort foods etc.  Even with a toolbox we still have to walk through the grief waves.  Grief waves that carry all thoughts and feelings all of us have shared here. Grief waves are very overwhelming and powerful.  Grief waves steal our energy.  Grief waves do make us feel out of control.  One can't build a house without a toolbox.  find what works and create a toolbox.  If one tool isn't working reach in and grab another tool.  There will be times where there are no "right" tools available in time of need.  That may be when you discover a new tool.  Crawling under the covers is a tool many of us have used on this site.  In grief you can create the tools that will work for you. 

This is a good paragraph to pin on your wall to remember and use!