Members ggp123 Posted May 29, 2018 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2018 Next week it'll be 2 years since my boyfriend of 4 years passed away, we were both 19 at the time. I have just found it so hard to relate to everyone else who has lost him, while I know every loss is different, it just feels like because he wasn't family or just a friend, it's a completely different love and loss to others involved and I've just found it so hard to share my feelings and relate to others. Because we were quite young and none of my friends had been in serious relationships it made it very difficult to explain or I feel no-one really understands to the full extent the way I feel. Not only that, because we were so young I feel like some people feel like I should be moving on and that they don't understand the extent of my grief and almost belittle it just because we were young and because of the label 'boyfriend/girlfriend'. I had a counsellor (who I decided to end sessions with straight away) who told me that I should have moved on by now because I wasn't a blood relative or his wife. I just couldn't believe it. Yes we were young but we were so completely in love and serious about each other, our families and friends knew it and everyone expected us to spend our lives together. It's just horrible because to us we were so much more than boyfriend and girlfriend, we truly were soulmates. We knew we wanted to move in together, to marry each other, to have children, we'd planned holidays and where we'd go as a family in the future, we'd planned it all, we were so serious about each other and for people not to understand that in our hearts and minds we practically were married is just so difficult, it just makes me feel so alone. The one person who completely,100% understood isn't here anymore and it just is so hard. It's nearly been 2 years and I feel like I'm still in a state of shock. I still hate it and feel sick when people talk about me moving on and finding someone else, I don't want to move on, I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else, I don't want to. My heart is completely broken and I just can't see myself ever being ok again. I really feel like I've lost so much of myself and I don't know who I am anymore. Recently, i finished university (I can't believe I even made it to the end) and it's recently dawned on me that I don't have those plans anymore, that I'm alone in this and I have to make all these decisions for myself now and it scares me so much, I've never felt so alone. I miss him so much, more and more every day. We grew up together and had such influence on each other and the people we grew into I don't know who I am without him, he was my rock, literally my everything. I still feel like I haven't accepted it and I don't think I ever will. I miss him so much it hurts. I just don't know what I'm going to do without him, I don't know where I go from here, what my future holds. I feel like I've lost not only my soulmate, my best friend but also my future, a family,and it sounds so silly because how can I miss what I never had? I just feel so alone, don't know what to do I just want him back, it's not fair, it's just torture. Sorry for the rant, don't know what I'm looking for, I guess sometimes it's easier for me to write about feelings than talk about them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nicole-my grief journey Posted May 30, 2018 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2018 Dear ggp123, The way you feel makes sense to me. I’m sorry that others have been unable to comfort you and guide you through everything that you’re feeling. It’s an awful place to be. People think they’re helping by making thise suggestions for you meeting someone else etc., but sometimes they don’t understand that you aren’t there yet and may not be for a long time. And that’s ok. You do you and try to let what they say pass through and not upset or frustrate you. You know what you two shared and that’s what counts. There’s no timeline for a large loss like you’ve experienced. Of course you would grieve the past, present and future. It sounds like he was your anchor and so it takes time and processing to be your own anchor. That’s what I work on. Being my own anchor. Because I’ve experienced a lot of deep loss and of course others aren’t sure what to say, do, or how they can help because every relationship is so individual. People try and push others forward well meaningly or because they are uncomfortable in their own understanding of things. It’s amazing you were able to finish university. In reading that, it makes me know that you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are doing the right thing with getting up each day and doing your best to go forward. Honoring your thoughts, feelings and the connection you two shared. That will transform your loss. We don’t always see change in the moment, but slowly and surely the little things turn into breakthroughs. The feelings don’t ever go away, but they will change. Please don’t be hard on yourself and know that our hearts are with you sending you energy for what you need. Writing is a great way to help yourself. A counselor in grief would also be a great resource. It has changed my life and if I didn’t use that resource I would still be in the same place I was when I experienced my losses. It’s also helping my current ones. If you are able to do that, I hope that you will. I knkw that right now that may feel like you would be letting go and you don’t want to, but ask yourself if he would want you to. What would he want for you? I also do daily affirmations that I get online regarding loss and grieving and repeat them over and over hoping to retrain my brain. It works. Not right away and sometimes I’m in that angry, life isn’t fair, I hate everyone and everything, but then I feel that and release it. Better to get it out than hold it in. Love and well wishes to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 30, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted May 30, 2018 14 hours ago, ggp123 said: I had a counsellor (who I decided to end sessions with straight away) who told me that I should have moved on by now because I wasn't a blood relative or his wife. OMG! Not a grief counselor or one specially trained in grief, obviously, I'm glad you ended it with them. Don't be afraid to try another but this time make sure they have a degree in Thanatology first. It's not being married that defines our love, it's our LOVE that does, and no two couples will be the same, but yours was one of the special ones...you grieve because you have a lot to miss, same as those of us here. Keep coming here, it helps to get it out and know you are heard and understood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ggp123 Posted June 3, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted June 3, 2018 @GrievingMySibling @KayCI'm sorry for both of your losses. Thank you so much for you kind words and advice. I've felt quite alone in this and finding this site and being able to read about others journeys and experiences and talking to those in similar positions has been really helpful and reassuring. I will definitely continue coming here. It's really lovely to read your messages and feel like my feelings are understood, thank you I really appreciate it. Love to you both x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 4, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted June 4, 2018 I don't know what I'd have done if not for a site like this, I've been there for nearly 13 years and here for a couple. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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