Loss of my brother

[MissingJon]

I lost my brother on Thanksgiving 2017. I am the youngest of three with my brother being the oldest. We had our differences and even some issues. But he's my older brother and just knew me, we knew each other like know one else does or can I think. I love him with all of my heart and miss him terribly. I am 40 years old, married and my daughter is in college. I am close with my family including my wife's family. But things are different now. I will be honest I seem to have a dark spot growing in my heart. It's not the usual thing though. The usual things are there... gilt, pain, emptiness, loneliness, all of these things. These seem to be the fuel for the darkness.... fear.... I am afraid to be me, to love, to reach out and keep in touch with the people I love. This is the complete opposite of who I want to be. I look at the overall picture of my life and loss is what I see. My mom (don't know where my dad is, island of dead beat dads I guess), my wife's parents, my mom's  siblings are all getting older. I just see this becoming my future. It's been so hard living with the loss of my brother, if I were to have another loss soon... I just don't know who to make it through that. 

 

I am afraid to love, to live... maybe this is not so far from the "usual thing" ?

 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

MissingJon,

I connect with what you’ve written. I am the youngest of four, I’m your age and have lost two of my brothers. The most recent was the week of Thanksgiving 2017. Countless times (several a day really), I think about all those ways my brother truly knew me. How well we knew each other without having to say a word. Whether we were getting along or at odds, we “got” each other completey and I feel no one else will ever know me that way. Not even the one brother that I have left. “B” and I were 2 years apart and so all of my memories, emotions, idiosyncrasies, expressions, habits...EVERYTHING is tied to him in a way that no one else could ever be. We had each other’s backs no matter what. It hurts. I miss him and feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest. Sometimes I feel like I’m stone. I know I’ve put up a wall around myself and know deep down it’s because if I don’t get close or let others in...my mind thinks it will hurt less and not be hurt again (which isn’t at all possible because I’m human). It’s also because I’m afraid to let others truly see what I feel inside and if they did, how could they ever understand how this has changed me if they haven’t gone through something similar. I fight like hell to stay open and loving and caring with others. I hope you will too. It sounds like you have a beautiful family and loved ones. Your wife and daughter need you to be connected. You are loved. Share here, or with friends, or even a professional. That’s what I’m doing and it’s what keeps me from becoming completely hardened and helps me cope. You have a lot of life to live and since you know we don’t get to go back and are not sure how much time we get with our loved ones; spend that time, make those memories and when you start to ”future-ize” try to put yourself back in the present moment. Yes, we will inevitably lose others...we and they are at that age, but you’ll spin out/ burn out by thinking too far ahead. It’s heavy to do that and will cause further depression. As someone who keeps having stacked losses...and said to myself that “ I can’t withstand another loss soon” when “B” died in November...I HAVE. Three more close relationship losses. We are more resilient than we give ourselves credit for sometimes. I also have told myself I am going to be an example for others that you can and will go on. Heal little by little and support those in need that are grieving, lost, hurting and confused. The grief is always there, it just changes and some days are good and others so hard. But others need to see you as hope that they can make it after they have loss. Feel your feelings and don’t hold them in and then transform them into being able to help others that eventually have loss because you’ve walked this road before them and can understand. I feel this is the way to live and have purpose. You are so blessed to be surrounded by the people you’ve described. Wishing you the best and I feel for you in your loss of your brother. I’m sorry you are going through this.