My boyfriend died on his way to see me

[Sc6140]

I am a 24 year old female from NY. My boyfriend and I had lived together, we were going through rough times so I moved out for a few weeks. We were fighting but still madly in love trying to figure out how to make things work. On Thursday the 25th I FaceTimed him telling him I would be at a bar by my house and seeing what he was up to. We had gotten into a very very small argument.This was at 7:03pm. He had told me he would meet me there however I told him no and that I would be having dinner with a friend. He got onto his motorcycle to go meet me. At around 7:12 an suv cut in front of his bike and he tboned it unable to stop. He suffered severe head trauma and was DOA. Once I had gotten done with dinner around 10:00 I had gone home and called him angrily because he had not texted me. I sent him a large paragraph about how he has the worst mentality about how he doesn’t deserve nice things but that he deserves only the best and he needs to get over it. 15 minutes later I received a call from his best friend saying that he had been in an accident and that he wasn’t responsive with no brain activity. I made it to the hospital 10 minutes before they took him off life support. I’m crushed, I feel so numb and I dream of him. I can’t eat without taking a Xanax to calm my nerves. I keep talking to him out loud. We planned to get married one day and have children. None of my friends understand what our bond was like because I was always with his friends. I don’t feel like I can even trust my best friend with the way I’m feeling because she’s too fragile and it makes me angry. 

[KayC]

I am sorry for your loss.  You were in the middle of living life and experienced what we here have experienced, that is, life cut abruptly short.  It changes everything in our lives.  I look at this picture and am struck with how young you both are, how future looked promising and no one would ever expect to have loss like this at this age.  You likely would have figured everything out, how to communicate and deal with the little issues that arise, how to work it out, yes, go on to marry and have children, and now none of that is possible and you must feel so many things at once, one of which is anger and confusion.  Your friends may not understand what you are going through but I hope you don't hole up to yourself and cut them out of your life.  Come here for people who understand, or a grief support group.  Grief counseling can be very helpful!

Gosh, it just happened, I'm amazed you had presence of mind to even google search this site at this early stage.  At three days out it's hard to think, grief fog sets in, still in shock.  It took me probably three years just to process what happened!  Everyone is different.

This won't mean anything to you right now, I'm sure, but I hope you'll print this out and refer to it later as you're trying to make your way through your grief.  It's what I've learned on my 12 year journey...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Sc6140,

What a soul shocking tradgedy you’ve just experienced. I am so sorry for your loss. That is a beautiful picture and the love you shared is so apparent. Wishing support and understanding for you from those around you and that you can focus on all of the good memories and times you had together during your grief process. I know it is so fresh and that may seem impossible in this moment. Take things hour by hour and go from there. You are in the eye of storm and I pray for little moments of peace for you soon. Hugs on your heart.

[Djh0901kc]

I’m so sorry this happened. It’s not fair to lose our other half and be left here by ourselves. There’s nothing wrong with talking to him. It’s been a year and I still talk to and text my wife every day. I don’t have much advice but try to take care of yourself. Post here anytime you feel alone.