lost my gf/fiancee

[offspring77]

Hi everybody, looking for opinions and facts. I know some of you maybe me medical  as myself  and some not, but even I am questioning certain things. 

I met my gf back in late 2015 early 2016 and i proposed to her shortly after ( you just know when you have the right one). Everything seemed fine up until about say September ( ive or take 2-months), when she told me we were will still together and she asked that I give her time to herself. I knew she was sick in the hospital, but not how sick and no one told me. She told me she had an infection and dehydration. OK so I go on next couple months trying to contact her I get no text or call back or anything. Finally I asked her sister she said she was real sick. Okay well Ihope to hear from her. Still got no idea what '' real sick'' is. I asked her sister again a few months later (by the way sister lives in NY and she was in Long Beach, CA and I am in Whittier, Ca) and this was like near mid May. I would say like 10th or so. Well she passed away on May 16th 2018 and the funeral was may 24. I found out like May 19 or 20th late night hours early morning.  I just can't get over that shes dead. She apparently died of renal and liver failure ( primarily liver). The whole time I was with her she never had more than a few drinks, but there was a lot of times that she was left alone ( she does work on a computer most of the time) and anything could have happened. She never had stagmus, slurred, staggering or anything that would lead me to believe anything about abusing alcohol. I just question why. I am never gonna get over this. There are too many unanswered questions and I was too close to her. Working on an ambulance I see this all the time. Frankly this is worse than when my grandfather and uncle passed.

 

My next thing is if anybody is catholic out there ( i am more spiritual at this time then religious and know minimal things about each religion, belief etc.) I thought it was against there belief to cremate a body. Second, I have to question, what are we doing here. I know there are religious views on this, but  the science does not add up to me. Its like a book with several chapters. every year you close one, or maybe partially close a few pages. beginning is born, middle is life, death, the end, close the book. But if we are here to  to essential die, whats the purpose. 

 

My next thing, is there a heaven a hell, life after death, or the only logical thing I  can think of is we are reincarnated as a different person, with no recollection of the past. Anybody think they have an idea, any body know anything. I am curious to what you think

 On a side note, I woke up in the middle of the night could not breath ( i think I may have even stopped breathing) and I smelled a strong burning smell ( i though the RV was on fire) and saw a white flash. This happened twice. the day after her funeral and the day after that. Is she trying to tell me something or warn me, or is the anxiety depression and everything getting too me?

 

* do not mean to offend anyone, but I appreciate the advise, help etc.*

[ggp123]

Hi there, I'm so sorry for your loss. My boyfriend passed away almost 2 years ago and I can completely relate to how you're feeling. Almost 2 years later and I am still just as lost and heartbroken, if anything more so, than I was in the first few weeks after he passed. I don't think you can say you will ever get over it, one thing I can say is that while you will struggle to find yourself and figure out who you are and need to be now, you will find a strength in yourself you never knew you had. The loss of your fiancee will shape the person you grow into and you will carry her memory with you for the rest of your life. 

I have also come to question the meaning of life, the point of it. My boyfriend was only 19 when he passed and so it seems so pointless and cruel and I can't seem to get out of that negative headspace when it comes to this sort of thing. I have become very strongly opposed to the idea of God following the death of my boyfriend, I don't understand how he would let this happen (don't mean to offend anyone reading this). In those bad moments when I begin to question what the point of life is, I try to tell myself that without it I wouldn't have met my boyfriend and experienced the most true, unconditional love there is. I try to think about positive and happy things in my life, I make lists of the things I am grateful for and the things I want to see and do, although sometimes it can be hard, as sometimes I think of nothing positive at all or think of all the things he will never be able to do, it's important we don't take our lives for granted. I try to remind myself that he wouldn't want me thinking like this and it would be unfair to him to take my time here for granted. 

I also think I've become more spiritual after the loss of boyfriend. I believe I have had 'signs' from him and whether they are true signs or I'm actively looking for something and making something out of nothing I don't think it matters much, it's more about how it makes you feel. If you feel comforted by experiencing these moments where you truly believe it could be a sign from your lost loved one, that's all that matters, I wouldn't think too much about it. 

[KayC]

Offspring,

I'm sorry for your loss, it had to be hard to be cut out at the last few months.  Not sure why they were so secretive, but my husband had a heart attack one weekend I was at my sisters' reunion and he didn't let the doctor call me to the hospital, didn't want to ruin my weekend...as a result we never got that last conversation, what was he thinking!  Ruin my weekend?  It affected the whole rest of my life!

I am a Christian.  I can't settle your beliefs for you, that's something we all come to on our own, but I can tell you yes I believe in heaven and hell because the bible tells us there is.  I believe with all my heart that our life does not end with death of our body.  The bible tells us we'll get a new body but it's spiritual so kind of hard for me to relate/understand as that's different from here.  But regardless, I know George (my husband) is still alive and our love continues still.  The bible also talks about a "veil" between what is to come and what we know now and I think that's what we experience when we lose someone.  I very much look forward to being with George again and our memories will remain although our perspective will be broadened from what we know now.  

Cremation vs burial is a personal decision, and her family surely had their reasons for cremation.  The body is no longer needed once it's dead, it's worn out and of no use to us anymore as it no longer functions as a part of us, but we honor it all the same, everyone in their own way.  I had my husband cremated, I couldn't afford burial, very expensive, I had only $120 when he passed and no life insurance...coincidentally we were in the process of trying to sign up for life insurance, a day late, a dollar short.  Besides, I wanted what was left of his remains to be with me, not someplace I'd have to travel to, so that might have been a consideration for them as well.  I'm not Catholic, I'm sure there will be someone come on that can speak for that denomination.  But then Catholicism doesn't ascribe to reincarnation either.  These are things to come to terms with for yourself.

As ggp said, she's had signs, most of us have at some point, I'd say it's something that was special to the two of you that you'll know and that there is no explanation for.  But they are encouraging.  For the most part, I continue in faith, believing in the love that continues to exist for us and the hope we have that is seeing each other again someday.

I hope this helps answer some of your questions.  Oh and one more thing, liver problems can result not just from drinking (I'm not a drinker but I have Cirrhosis of the liver) but from a myriad of other things...medicines taken, even how we eat affects our liver (my MIL got liver cancer from how she ate, she'd go without eating and then eat dessert), parasites can also affect liver, I'd say mine was either from parasites I got 20 years ago or possibly from taking Lipitor (for cholesterol), they don't tell you this when they prescribe stuff.