Sudden loss of my fiance

[Fiza]

It has just been over a month since I lost my partner. He died as a result of a sudden cardiac arrest but he was receiving treatment for bone cancer. He was making significant progress. I know that its only been 5 weeks but the shock and devastation caused by his death literally haunts me. I saw him collapse and there was nothing I can do. Ironically, hours before he passed away we were talking about marriage plans and to go on more holidays together. Everyone keeps asking how he is and I have to tell them he's no longer with us and then that leads on to them asking how he died which makes me relive everything that happened that night. I've cried, I've lashed out but I overall just feel nothing. There's a hole in my heart that will probably never be filled, I have lost many loved ones in my life but losing my partner has been the worst. He was my best friend that I told everything to. After his death, whenever I felt down or I'm stressed from work I find myself scrolling through my contacts to find his name and trying to text him then realizing I won't get a reply back

I've also noticed that I have been drinking alcohol more than usual maybe I just don't want to feel anything. some days I don't want to speak to anyone. Some days I want to lock myself in a room and just cry. Every little thing reminds me of him. I miss the little things the most. We planned our whole future together. It's going to sound cliché but he was honestly he was 'the one', my soul mate who I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I don't think I can ever move on. I'm so close to his parents too. We have a 2 year old little boy and it breaks my heart whenever he asks about 'daddy'. 

I know its not going to get easier. I have even thought my just ending my life because I have no life without him. When my life was filled with darkness. My partner came into my life and lit it with a lot of happiness and now that he's gone, its filled with darkness again....

[KayC]

Fiza,

I am so sorry for the loss of your partner.  I read your story and it could be any of us, just change the details.  I remember month one all too well.  My husband had just turned 51, we thought we had years left together, we didn't meet until our mid 40s so only got 6 1/2 years together.  Heart attack.  We hadn't known he even had heart trouble until that weekend.  He looked the picture of health, who knows what's going on inside a body, we can't tell by looking at them.  It's been nearly 13 years, twice as long as he was in my life.  How can that be?  It seems like yesterday yet forever, rolled into one.  Time is distorting.  George was my soul mate and my best friend.  I've been married before but it was nothing like this!  We clicked, we understood each other, we had faith in each other.  I've not had that before or since, he was one of a kind.

I want to share with you what I've learned in my 12 year journey, hoping even one thing will be of help to you.  You have a child, that's reason to live.  Now you just have to figure out how to do it.  This will give you a place to start. I also want to add that alcohol is a depressant so not what we need in grief.  I know you want to drown out your feelings, but it's important to go straight through our grief, not try to circumvent it, because it can't be done...in the end it will still be waiting for us.  When we allow ourselves to feel our grief, pain and all, this helps us process it and let it evolve naturally.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.