Birthday coming up....

[June]

My birthday will be June 16th.  Last year 2017 we didn't really do anything special, but often our "special" days were just spent together - no big deal.  Our Anniversary will be June 20th.  Again last year we didn't make a big deal out of it - 31 years married.  

Then on June 21, I had to take him to the ER and 13 days later he was gone.  

I'll be 65 this year.  I think I want to do something special.  But then I'm not sure.  I'm trying to think of things we did in the past to "celebrate" and maybe I could do alone to remember both these special days.   Maybe I'll go to our favorite restaurant that we often chose for special days.   I guess if it got too much to handle, I could get a to-go box.

I'm just not sure.   65 is a big one!  But celebrating anything just seems wrong.

[Lisaislost]

June, an anniversary and birthday so close, not fun. I guess you need to what feels right. I’ve got a lot of things coming up and what works for me has been planning ahead. Our daughter was born on Father’s Day. Her birthday is June 20. I decided that this year i was taking our 2 daughters to a spa. Trying to avoid the stereotypical Father’s Day places. We will have lunch and get massages. I’m picking a girly restaurant. It takes planning but it has help me get through those days. I still have to deal with them at night but I’m hoping a little distraction for me and the girls will help with the first Father’s Day without their dad. 

It sounds like you’re indecisive. I get that. Maybe you need a little more time to think about it. Maybe something new in case it’s too hard to do something you did together. 

[KayC]

@June  June is my hard month too.  June 10 my parents' anv, my dad's bdy, George's bdy is June 14, his death day June 19 (as well it was Father's Day that year which I'll face June 17 this year).  My son-in-law's bdy is June 6 and I don't know what to do with that, they're on the brink of a divorce.  It'd be nice to skip the month of June, but it'll be here in just a couple of days.

You say celebrating seems wrong.  But it's important to give ourselves permission to smile.  It's not our grief that binds us to them although it sure seems to bind us as it doesn't let us forget a thing, but it's our love that holds us to them and it continues still.  It's okay to smile, in fact, to be coveted.  We have the rest of our lives to do and we can't do the whole rest of our lives dour...if we can find even a moment when we can smile, that is good.  The good moments come and go quicker than they used to so if you can, grab onto them, embrace what is, it's all we have.  You're turning 65 (I am 65) so you have cause to celebrate Medicare if nothing else!  Yay, the end of Obamacare, paying out high premiums for insurance you can't afford to use.  Medicare alone is a gift...not perfect, but at least more affordable.

The key to getting through these special days is to try to have a plan in place...think about beforehand how you want to do the day...do you want someone with you?  Is there somewhere you want to go?  Somewhere meaningful to you and your wife?  You say you didn't do anything special/big, so maybe you want the day to be low key?  You might consider incorporating a ritual, sometimes they help us through these days.  That can be anything you do to remember the person and the love you shared.  My first birthday after George passed was 3 1/2 months after he died...no one remembered or said happy birthday to me, I cried myself to sleep...George had always made such a big deal of it, the disparity between what was and what my life had become was inescapable.  Now I try to have plans for my birthday.

This doesn't mention birthdays per sae, but the tips can apply to any special day...notice there are a whole lot of links at the bottom, so there's a lot of articles contained within.