Insurmountable guilt, grief, and agony

[Ccarp]

I lost my girlfriend of 5 years, 2 and a half months ago. The grief, guilt, and agony is tearing me apart. Especially the guilt associated with her last few hours here.

 

We met when we were 4 (my mom dated her uncle for a short time) and were friends of friends throughout high school, then eventually friends and then I ended up working for her at her doggy daycare she owned, we butted heads, and I ended up leaving. She then sold the daycare and we reconnected as friends, and then drifted into a relationship. She had refused at first, but I knew I had to have her, I knew she was it, and soon after she knew I was it too. From then on we were inseparable. So many adventures, dog hikes, concerts, festivals. When we started dating, she was basically my sugar mama, as I didn’t have a good job. She bought me nice jewelry, took me to Key West, concerts, dinners, etc and I did the best I could to make it up to her, and did all I could to show her how much she meant to me. Eventually, I started to make money more and was able to treat her better in that regard, but she was always my queen in every aspect. She was my best friend, my concert buddy, my perfect snuggler, my true love. We were inexplicably stuck to each other, our love was greater than anything I’ve seen, heard, read about, etc. we had recognized each other’s souls from far before this lifetime, as if we had by split from the same source. Mirror souls, we complimented and completed each other. We shared this amazing connection, where we could transcend this plane into other dimensions with our light and soul energy, some kind of tantric, ethereal connection that is near impossible to put into words. She loved me for exactly who I was, warts and all, she was beyond perfect to me. She was the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, inside and out. Her soul radiated with the passion of 1000 suns, esthetically, she was perfect, never wore a stitch of makeup and was always the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. She checked all my boxes, the one I always waited for, our love was so real, true, and pure.

When we started dating, she had been prescribed Oxys for a chronic hip ailment, one day her prescription got stolen and she turned to dope. I tried to stop the use, even when she was just taking the pills, but it was always a hard subject for us to touch on, she needed the pain meds, and felt like I was trying to take her pain relief away. Eventually we drifted apart, and she finally reached out to me, telling me she needed me, and I was there for her, but not as much as I could have, and should have. She had been living with a dealer at the time and instead of paying his portion of the rent (which I had ten times over) I didn’t, and so he stayed. She was really struggling and I feel like I did next to nothing for her. She passed on her birthday, and the guilt surrounding the last few days of her existence here. Monday was her birthday, and she was really excited about her birthday weekend. Friday we went to a show, Saturday I decided to work, when I didn’t need to, I chose to and left her alone. Again, Sunday came and I chose to work, I left her again. During my drive (my work) she called me and told me she relapsed, she relapsed from a bag the dealer left out in the kitchen that she couldn’t resist, and during the phone call, I did nothing for her, I wanted her to go to the hospital but I didn’t tell her. She was frantic, asking me what I would do if she died, telling me she didn’t want to be statistic, and instead of helping her, instead of giving her advice, telling her to not be alone, anything, I didn’t. I just told her that I was driving and I would see her tomorrow. I had almost hit some deer in the road later on, and I had texted her to tell her and she had made sure I was safe and said I love you to the moon and back, and I said nothing back. That would be the last time we talked. I was on my way back, and could’ve chose to go to her house, or chose to go to my bed, and I went to my bed, she died three hours after I would’ve gotten there. I feel so much guilt for abandoning her, for not paying to get the dealer out, for not showing her the best birthday weekend I could, for working instead of spending time with her, for not helping her at all, for not telling her I love her, for not coming right back to her. It’s all eating me up inside, I cannot shake my role I played in all this and it’s destroying me. I hate being alive, I don’t want to be here anymore. Everyday is agony, everyday is another nightmare. I can’t stop replaying those last few days in my head. I can’t stop crying and telling her I’m sorry. I just want to hold her again, I just want another chance, and I’ll never get it. I miss her so much. I’m depressed, I’m borderline suicidal, I’m losing my mind. I could’ve stopped this so many times, and I did nothing. I hate it, I hate myself. I don’t want to go on. I want to die just to be with her. I’ve been completely incapcitated, unable to function properly, I haven’t worked since she died. She died on her birthday and my birthday is International Overdose Awareness Day, so every year I last on this planet, every birthday, I’m reminded of how I let her go, about how I didn’t do enough for her. I, consumed. Even after giving my therapist the story, she could only say, wow that’s heavy. It’s so heavy, it’s downpressing me, and I can’t stand it, I can’t stand myself. I’m constantly in pain, physically, mentally, emotionally. My head is foggy, chest constantly hurts, I can’t take it anymore.

[ModHerc]

@Ccarp,

I am so sorry for your loss, she is absolutely stunning, and the depth of your love is obvious in your post.  This pain is unfair for all of us that have had the unfortunate need to join this awful club.  I am glad you found your way here though, there are many people who will listen, and understand.

Life is incredibly complicated.  I am sure the months, days, and hours leading up to that would have been incredibly difficult for anyone to deal with, and I know you were trying to deal with it in the best way possible.  Drug abuse is a horrible thing for the people who are going through it, and for the people that love them.  Having a history of drug use myself, I understand.  You were dealing with the situation in the best way you could manage.  You did not want this to happen, and you did not cause this to happen.

My wife of 6 years, and the love of my life, passed from a massive heart attack on Christmas Eve 2016.  I was not home.  I was out wrapping gifts for her, but I was also playing some video games, watching a football game I had missed, and drinking a lot of beers.  The fact that I traded the opportunity for those last few moments with her for such trivial things bothered me horribly for the first few months, and still does to a degree.  I should have been at home with her on Christmas eve, what kind of a monster doesn't spend that night with his wife?  Since then I have pretty much stopped playing video games, my fingers just can't work the controller properly now.  I watch football games, but I can't really get into it now the way I used to.  I completely get the feelings of guilt and regret.  But what I have come to realize is that I am not a monster, and neither are you.  You were just trying to live, and I would bet trying to get her clean, for her own good and for yours.

I think you were probably keeping some space and distance in an effort to show her that she needed to get clean.  I have a feeling that there were probably a lot of other relapses leading up to this, kicking a pain med habit is incredibly hard.  I bet you were exhausted physically and emotionally from the roller coaster that loving someone in active addiction means.  Even if all these things aren't accurate, I say again you did not want this, and believe fully that given the opportunity and the knowledge needed, you would have done anything you could to stop it.

If the best your therapist could come up with is "Wow, that's heavy", you might want to look into another therapist.  You might contact a few more, and see if they specialize in grief.  Much of what you have shared is normal in grief.  Depression, physical distress, your head being foggy, guilt, regret, even suicidal thoughts.  These are normal for people in grief, particularly fresh grief, and I think two and a half months is still very fresh.  Regarding the suicidal thoughts, if you have suicidal ideation (actually thinking of how you might do it, or envisioning it) please contact a suicide hotline as quickly as possible.  The thoughts are normal, but if it starts becoming too severe you may need to reach out on that front.

She did not deserve what happened to her.  You do not deserve it either.  No one deserves this pain, period, end of story.  Give yourself time, and take this all one moment at a time.  Drink plenty of water, eat what you can, and sleep when you can.  You can make it through this, and you have found a place where people will listen and understand.  Hoping you find some peace and comfort,

Herc

[Ccarp]

14 hours ago, Herc said:

@Ccarp,

I think you were probably keeping some space and distance in an effort to show her that she needed to get clean.  I have a feeling that there were probably a lot of other relapses leading up to this, kicking a pain med habit is incredibly hard.  I bet you were exhausted physically and emotionally from the roller coaster that loving someone in active addiction means.  Even if all these things aren't accurate, I say again you did not want this, and believe fully that given the opportunity and the knowledge needed, you would have done anything you could to stop it.

I had been keeping my distance for a while, after years of trying to get her clean, and nothing taking. Then she had called me, told me she overdosed, was saved by narcan, and needed me more than ever. As I had said before, she didn’t want him living there but couldn’t afford his $500 of the rent, I had 5k, and didn’t offer. I knew he was a dope dealer, I knew he sold fentanyl and I didn’t get him out. I can’t believe I left her the way I did that weekend. I feel like such an awful selfish human. 500 dollars, and a human life I loved more than my own would’ve been saved. A simple suggestion to go to the hospital and I wouldn’t be here. Nearly all day everyday, I run this through my head, I feel so much guilt and regret that I can’t escape from. I am barely ever present, my brain is always focused on these last few days and hours. I can’t believe I didn’t do what I knew was right. I am having trouble living with myself. They say take it o e day, one hour, one minute at a time. But when minute after minute, I’m consumed with the guilt of my wrong actions that influenced this outcome, it’s so difficult to live with myself. I’m not the same person anymore, I used to be so fun and happy and carefree. Now I, sullen, sunken, miserable. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here anymore.

[KayC]

@Ccarp

The first thing I noticed was you listed your type of loss as Soulmate/Love of my Life.  Even though I listed mine as my Husband, I more aptly could have listed Soulmate/Love of my Life, because that's what he was to me.  So much more than "Husband" describes.  So I knew before I started reading that the two of you had something special, just as George and I had from the day we met.  Uncanny how one person can be so different from all of the others, how the two of you can hit it off, relate, communicate, believe in each other, be each other's ALL.

I am very sorry for your loss, I know it is tremendous.  You speak of your guilt and the things you relay...that's not how I see it.  I see someone who was living their life as if it would continue to continue, not knowing that day would be significant, not knowing that your life as you knew it would end...and responding the way many of us do when we think we have tomorrow.  You didn't want to talk/text and drive.  You were tired, you wanted to get some sleep. You were undoubtedly disappointed that she'd relapsed...as drug addicts do.  It doesn't matter their reasons, there's a myriad of them, not wanting pain, wanting energy to work at their job, being used to turning to it, etc.  My husband came to me three weeks before he died and confessed to me that he'd been using Meth, his boss turned him onto it so he could work harder/faster, like he wasn't already killing himself doing more than he should at work!  I was very upset at his "choice" but I also understood his reasons behind it...I just didn't think it was the answer.  I think a different job would have been a better choice.  But be that as it may, I did my research, I enlightened him in everything he probably didn't want to know about Meth.  That it takes an average of seven tries to get off of it.  That addicts will sell their soul for a hit.  That it's the leading cause of needing foster families in my state.  That I'm not going down financial ruin with him, I remember telling him I'd protect myself if he chose to continue using.  I told him I wouldn't live under a bridge with him.  I could have retracted those words after he died, I'd live anywhere if I could but have him back!  But you get the point.  My sister asked me after he died, unexpectedly of a heart attack, if I regretted getting tough with him and telling him the things I did.  I replied, "Hell no!  He always respected that he could count on me to tell him the truth.  I told him what he needed to hear.  And at the time of his death he was in rehab and I found evidence that he was doing everything he could to overcome, and I have faith in him that he would have done so.  But I also know it wouldn't have been easy...for either of us.  Drug addiction is hard.  It's hard on families.  Marriagebuilders.com (Dr. Harley, leading marriage counselor and author) says you cannot repair a marriage without first tackling the drug or alcohol addiction.  Can't do much with it.  I get that.  Right now my daughter is married to an alcoholic and he has changed before our very eyes.  It's likely heading into divorce at a rapid rate as he won't get help.

Please don't blame yourself for what you did or didn't do or could or couldn't do.  You're putting way too much on yourself than is humanly possible.  You loved her regardless, not much more we CAN do!  I feel like I want you to know she has regrets, she would like to be here with you, but what's done is done.  I also want you to know that this is not the end.  Life does not end with the mere perishing of the body, their life force, their spirit, continues.  We will be with them again.  Take hope and comfort in that.  She know you, she loves you, she forgives you even as you forgive her, that needn't even be said, it's understood with a love like yours.  Hold her to your heart, let her spirit continue with you as she makes her way through what is next for her even as you learn to do the same.  

When my husband first died, I didn't see how I could possibly continue without him.  He was my life's blood!  One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to do one day (or hour or minute) at a time.  I've learned to live in the present, to embrace what is and not merely lament what isn't, for in so doing I'd miss what is here in the here and now.  I've learned to look for good, however small, however fleeting, I can't begin to tell you what a difference this has made to me!  Some say you can't do that when you're newly grieving...yes, you can.  I started practicing that on day 11 of my journey.  It started with a refrigerator magnet I saw on a sidewalk sale when I came out of the eyedoctor....it was June 30, the last day of my coverage...I bought it and put it up where I could remind myself frequently and I have it up still, nearly 13 years later.

I'm glad you've found this site.  It was a grief site like this that saved my life.  Here, everyone "gets it", we're in this together.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

[ModHerc]

Dealing with addiction is a horrible, chaotic situation, for the one in addiction, and for everyone who loves them.  I fully believe you did the best you could at the moments you could.  She chose to live with a drug dealer.  It was not your responsibility to remove her from that situation.  Indeed if you had she very well might have taken it either consciously or subconsciously as you enabling her behavior.

You were trying everything you could at the time.  Please contact a grief specialist.  Your situation involves a lot of very specific guilt and grief and I really think you could benefit from the advice of a skilled professional trained in this specific subject.  If your therapist is trained in this subject, but you feel it isn’t helping, reach out to another.  The patient/therapist relationship can be tricky, and if this one isn’t the right fit, another might be.

In the meantime, be as kind to yourself as you can.  You are a good person.  Tell yourself that, even if you can’t wrap your head around it right now.  Try to treat yourself in small ways, a meal you particularly enjoy for example.  It may still taste like ash to you, I know how many times a lump stuck in my throat and I couldn’t choke down a bite in the early months, but at least make the effort, you really do deserve it.  Hoping you get some respite from it,

Herc

[KayC]

A hearty AMEN, Herc!

And the articles I listed the links to, I really hope you'll read them and take them to heart.  You do not deserve "guilt".  Try as we might, we can't be responsible for other people's choices, no matter how much we love them.

[ModHerc]

Absolutely KayC, and I am not placing blame on her.  Addiction is a horrible disease.  She is no more at fault than a cancer patient.  As with all of us, this is a terrible tragedy and there is no blame to be placed.  There is only grief and support.  All this time and I didn’t know what you shared about your husband, I am so sorry for that added complication for you.  Hope you are doing well.

[Ccarp]

That’s another thing I feel bad about. Treating her as a druggie lowlife, more than a sick person. Cancer patients die surrounded by loved ones with their total love and support, a lot of addicts like she did, die alone and shunned. I really wish I treated her with more compassion and love. She kept saying that she couldn’t do it alone and needed my love and support and I denied her. I left her alone. I reserved my heart in an attempt to protect myself, but now that she’s gone it just makes me feel worse for not doing all I could and wondering what would have been different had I did. I really can’t say I did all I could, and it eats me up. I used my affection as a bargaining chip for her sobriety, when she needed my affection and support to get sober.

[Jackiag862]

I am so so sorry for your loss. I just lost my boyfriend to an overdose on heroin. He couldn’t stop. I’ve been sober for over 6 years, and addiction is an evil disease. He is my soulmate, the love of my life. We were obsessed with each other. It was the kind of love you don’t think even exists and that we couldn’t believe we found. We were so lucky we found each other. I have so much guilt about that last day and that I should’ve been there, I should’ve left work early, I should’ve said more to him about how it was all gonna be ok. It eats me alive. I had been there so much for him these past three years and I have to tell myself how much he knew that and that there was nothing I could do. I know that in my using and drinking, no one and nothing could stop me. And it just tormented him. This is just so incredibly tragic and unfair and excruciating. I luckily have a therapist who specializes in grief and is in recovery so he is really wise and understands. I never knew pain like this could exist. But I know how you feel and I know the enormous guilt and blame you put on yourself and you just have to practice a tiny bit every day reassuring yourself that it’s not your fault. Life is so unfair and these are horrible mistakes. But I know we will be with them again. I know they know how much we love them. And that there was nothing more we could do. ❤️

[Sunflower2]

my heart and thoughts go out to you and everyone. The guilt and regrets.. this wont ease the pain but believe.  It does get lighter.  I still feel the guilt and the regrets that I SHOULD have been there they are painful but not as piercing and deep.  I promise it does get lighter.  keep reaching out.  here and in your area.  You may find a group of recovering addicts who offer grief support to those who lost someone to an overdose. this support can be powerful to lighten your guilt and your regrets. in time you will understand that the addict was the only person who could have begun that road to recovery.  

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Ccarp said:

I used my affection as a bargaining chip for her sobriety, when she needed my affection and support to get sober.

Perhaps this is so, but you didn't know.  And don't you think she'd forgive you?  She made the initial choice that led her down that path...as Herc said we can't judge her, but my point is, it's not you that made that choice that started the ball rolling.  Everything we do has consequence, I know Dr Phil could put it better.  I wish I could put into words what I mean.  

Let your love triumph over all, knowing she has a heart of love and forgiveness and you do too.  This was not the end of your love story, it continues, across that veil of life and death and what is beyond, it continues.  You can't see her, but she exists.  Let her hear you...