First birthday since...

[Allyson]

Today is my first birthday without my soulmate. He passed two months ago. He always made birthdays such a big deal and I'm struggling today without him. Not even because of my birthday not being celebrated but just because its yet another reminder and another day we dont get to spend together. This is the first big  "first" for me and I don't know what to do. Any suggestions for how to get through these type of days?

[ModHerc]

@Allyson,

Those special days are always difficult for me.  Having been through a full year and half of another, I can say I have found no easy way to deal with them, but I have found a few things that make it a touch easier on me.  I started getting myself presents from her, but made sure there was some aspect of the gift that was exclusively her about it.  The first time I did this was on our anniversary, and I made sure to follow the rules for "gift of the year" for anniversaries.

Following those "gift of the year" rules, paper for the first year, etc. was something she always did but I didn't, which really made it feel like the gift was "from" her to a degree.   This year was wool or copper, so I went with just a few pairs of wool socks, nothing extravagant, but they honestly bring me comfort when I wear them now.  For Christmas I bought several songs from her favorite band that I didn't already have, they make me cry when I listen to them, but that can be good at times too.  I didn't have the idea about gifts by my birthday last year, but for this year I plan to get some decorations for my new house.  I have always been a bare walls kind of guy, decoration is just not of that much interest to me.  She on the other hand had things on every wall.  Truly giving some thought to decoration will be like learning about a part of her for me, and the decorations will bring a part of her with me to my new place.

Another I have found is to get away from my normal routine on those days.  For my birthday I went to my Mothers house, for the second Valentines day I just happened to be in New York for the Westminster Kennel club dog show.  Both of those were the best "bad day" experiences I have had thus far.  I was not trying to run away from the days, just found things to do that kept me from coming home and being in surroundings that we shared in years past.  Important notes on that front if you decide it is something you are interested in trying, make sure you have someone with you that will understand your situation, and make sure you have a quite, safe, alone place in case you just want to reflect by yourself.

Everyone experiences this in slightly different ways, so neither of these may work for you.  The most common suggestion I see is going to the grave site.  I usually do this, and get some comfort out of it, but I haven't found that it helps more than going to the grave site on any other day, which I do frequently.  Talking to him/her, writing a letter, communicating how you feel is another common one.  This is another thing I do on a regular basis, so I can't say it helps me any more on special occasions than it does in everyday life.  The first holiday after my wife passed was Valentine's day 2017, I just happened to put on the shirt I had been wearing during our last date when I got dressed that morning.  That helped some, but I think it was more the coincidental nature of it than wearing the clothes, although I do always feel better when I am wearing something I can link to her, like a shirt she bought for me, or an item of clothing that I was wearing during a memorable event, that might help.

Hoping you find something in this you can use, and wishing you peace and comfort for your birthday,

Herc

[KayC]

I was on line before you posted yesterday so didn't get to see this.  Happy Birthday, I hope there was something good in your day!

George always made a big deal of my birthday, and my first one without him no one remembered or wished me happy birthday, my best friend was flying out to TX and it seemed everyone was preoccupied with their lives.  I cried myself to sleep, I missed him so much, the disparity of him being here vs him being gone was just too much.

I know it's too late for your birthday now, but I hope you'll save this article in your bookmarks for the next time one is coming along:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/h.html

Although it doesn't list birthdays per sae, the tips can be helpful for any special day, not just the one listed.

Herc mentioned a lot of ideas, very helpful.  It helps to have a plan in place, not spend the whole day alone.  Rituals can help us.  I still put up George's stocking and ornaments at Christmas and I know he loves that.  He was a huge fan of Christmas and always made the most of every event, holiday, season.  I try to do that still in his memory.  I also like to watch the holiday specials and invite him to come sit with me.  (I know, most people would think that weird, but as everyone here knows, we do what gets us through things.)