This is so hard

[Tamimi]

I became a member of this club just three short months ago. Three months ago that I went to bed happily married and happy in life.  I woke up the next morning a widow.  My husband died suddenly of cardiac arrest next to me.  Me? A widow?  No, that was not in my plans at all. My existence  has been shaken to the core. There is not a minute that goes by that I don't  think of him, not an hour I don't  long for his touch or smile, or a day that I don't  cry.  Sometimes I cry all day and other times are teary-eyed  moments. Most of the time I wonder how I will ever make it through life without him.  And then every now and then I realize how blessed I was to share 33 years of my life with him.  He loved me until the day he died.  I will love and honor him until we are reunited one day.  I have no choice because that is how deep my love for him is.  I have no doubt we would have been one of those couples married 60 or 70 years that everyone thinks is so wonderful.  I think so too and would have loved to be given the chance.

God has other plans for me. We have three wonderful and supportive daughters. I am so thankful they were old enough to have the influence of their father instilled in them.  So yes, every once in awhile I try to remember how blessed and lucky I was and still am.  But then reality hits and grief consumes me.  I realize I'm  in a world to navigate on my own.  No more road trips, no more camping weekends or working in the yard together.  No more remodeling our house together.  It's  going to be lonely and I hate this journey.  But I was blessed.  

[ModHerc]

@Tamimi,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know those words sound so empty, and that you have heard them all too often, but they are true.  Just like you I wanted more time.  I wanted to grow old with my wife, and be that same elderly couple you mentioned.

In addition to your loss, your entire life has just been turned upside down.  33 years of wonderful and loving routines have changed.  It is no wonder you feel shaken to the core.  It is completely understandable and appropriate.  The feelings you are having are all normal, and you seem to know it, not that knowing helps much during the bad moments.

You can make it through life without him, but more importantly you can make it through life with him.  I know it is not the same, I would pay a fortune to hear my wife laugh, tell me she loved me, or just put her hand on my arm.  I get it, but I also know I carry her with me every where I go.  Beyond any thoughts of her spirit being with me, the influence she has had on my life has made me a better, more caring person, and that shows itself in my daily life, just as I am sure your husbands influence shows itself in yours.

This long lonely journey looks bleak, but there are still moments of happiness in it.  We used to go on camping trips too, and I have gone a few times since she passed.  Being alone at the campsite is rough at times, but out in nature I felt connected to her more deeply than most days, and some of it was very relaxing.  None of us want the situation we find ourselves in, but once in a while we can find some comfort.  Hoping you manage some of that peace,

Herc

[Sunflower2]

So sorry for your loss.  Your share is powerful.  We are blessed in so many ways but at the same time we find ourselves on this journey that we will be traveling alone.  Traveling alone yet at the same time he IS with you.   It isn't the journey we wanted.  We all understand the "no mores" you are feeling.  it is the beginning of allowing grief to be our companion. we at some point learn to integrate it with the love we experienced.  That is a process.  c

 

@Herc and everyone!  again thank you.  Tomorrow is the 7th month mark.  I try to not focus on anniversaries,  I guess I try to approach them as another day.  It isn't working well so I'm going to need to re-visit my way of moving into it.  Yet even if I was prepared I would be experiencing this place where Wayne's death was just yesterday,  I did return to our weekend hideaways and it sunk me deeper than I thought it would.  If that makes sense.  I'm in a place where reality is hitting….7 months!  He's been gone 7 months.  the feelng to feel his presence was overwhelming,  the wanting to hear his voice was overwhelming.  the phone rang and for a moment I truly felt my life was where it was suppose to be, with him here.  no I don't like this space but I know I have to pass through it. 

[Sunflower2]

10 hours ago, Herc said:

You can make it through life without him, but more importantly you can make it through life with him.  I know it is not the same, I would pay a fortune to hear my wife laugh, tell me she loved me, or just put her hand on my arm.  I get it, but I also know I carry her with me every where I go.  Beyond any thoughts of her spirit being with me, the influence she has had on my life has made me a better, more caring person, and that shows itself in my daily life, just as I am sure your husbands influence shows itself in yours.

This long lonely journey looks bleak, but there are still moments of happiness in it.  We used to go on camping trips too, and I have gone a few times since she passed.  Being alone at the campsite is rough at times, but out in nature I felt connected to her more deeply than most days, and some of it was very relaxing.  None of us want the situation we find ourselves in, but once in a while we can find some comfort.  Hoping you manage some of that peace,

beautiful inspiring share!  We will make it!  Those rough moments are rough though!

[KayC]

Tamimi,

I am so sorry for your loss...my husband was barely 51 when he had a heart attack and died, his birthday banner still up.  It took us a lifetime to find each other and we were so happy, we were looking forward to growing old together, facing whatever would come together.  Instead, I'm facing it alone.

You are three months into this, that is still very fresh, it may not have fully sunk in yet, it takes time for us to process it, I think it took me about three years, but we're all different with our timetables.  I hope you will continue to come here and post, discovering a grief forum really saved my life.  I'm 65 now and know a lot of widows, but at the time, nearly 13 years ago, I didn't, my friends disappeared, they weren't comfortable with death.  It really helps having a place where others "get it" and understand, regardless of our age.

I'm glad you have your three daughters, that you can be there for each other.  My son was in the Air Force when I first went through it, my daughter came and stayed with me a while, but then was back to her life and I was on my own to figure it out.  I miss my husband each and every day of my life and think of him continually, he's always uppermost in my mind.  As Herc said somewhere, we continue with them, but differently than before.  I know our love continues still.

[Tamimi]

Thank you for such wonderful words of encouragement.  I am so thankful to find a place to come where people truly understand.  I have lost many loved ones but nothing compares to this level of grief. My head knows he is gone, but my heart has some catching up to do. I seem to have a hard time with the "never agains" but I find comfort knowing others have survived this.  My own mother did, but now it is my journey to take.  I wish she were still here to talk to.

[Kal1120]

I’m so sorry for all of us. It’s terrible. My husband died a month ago. I’m a widow at 32. It’s not a position I ever dreamed I’d have to be in this soon in my life. I miss him terribly, and I think about him all day. Most days I feel like I’m barely functioning. I keep waiting for it to get “easier,” but that hardly seems like a possibility right now. 

[Jackiag862]

I’m so sorry for you too. It’s only been 16 days. I’m 31. I miss him so much it hurts so bad. I don’t know how this happened. I’m in shock I think. I wish I could take this pain away from all of us. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Tamimi said:

Thank you for such wonderful words of encouragement.  I am so thankful to find a place to come where people truly understand.  I have lost many loved ones but nothing compares to this level of grief. My head knows he is gone, but my heart has some catching up to do. I seem to have a hard time with the "never agains" but I find comfort knowing others have survived this.  My own mother did, but now it is my journey to take.  I wish she were still here to talk to.

I lost my mom 3 1/2 years ago, I wish she were still here too.  She lived as a widow for 32 years, now it seems I'm living her life, except I was there for her and my kids are gone.

We'll be here with you as you go through this, that's what this community is for.  

@Jackiag862  You're younger than my daughter, I'm sorry Hon, I know the pain you feel.  I wish there was a pill that we could take that could speed up the healing.

[Tamimi]

21 hours ago, Jackiag862 said:

I’m so sorry for you too. It’s only been 16 days. I’m 31. I miss him so much it hurts so bad. I don’t know how this happened. I’m in shock I think. I wish I could take this pain away from all of us. 

I never understood what losing a spouse really meant.  I didn't know how physical it is or the depth of the pain. Or the triggers that happen out of nowhere. You are so young and I'm sorry.  At 3 months in I can honestly say yesterday was not a totally bad day.  But yet this morning I woke up with that awful anxiety feeling and feeling low.  One day at a time.