Grieving and feeling guilty

[Bri]

I had to put my 16-year-old cat to sleep over a week ago.  at the beginning of the year, she was diagnosed as diabetic.  I spent the last 5 months trying to get her glucose levels right.  raising her insulin levels, blood glucose curve tests, etc.  She was up to 9.5 units of prozinc after extensive testing and one test revealing that her IGF level was above normal indicating a possible pituitary tumor.  To confirm the tumor, I would have to put her to sleep for a MRI and if she had one, either get surgery or radiation.  the cost and more importantly the stress on her body did not make sense to move forward with it.  I also knew that it can be a slow-growing tumor and with enough insulin...that she can survive happily a while.  She also was diagnosed with early stage kidney disease.  both of those illnesses led to frequent UTI's; however, she had a good appetite and did not hide (both of my main criteria for trying to see if she had a decent quality of life).  Her last blood tests at 8.5 units had gotten her blood glucose levels into the low 400's and mid-350's.  not ideal but much better than the 600+ levels for previous tests.  I felt like she was getting closer to where she needed to be.  Then over the past two weeks her back legs seem to be getting weaker.  then a few weeks ago, on a Thursday, she limped her way down our stairs, which she had not done in like 6 months.  she meowed and hung out for a bit.  in retrospect, she was saying goodbye to us and/or telling us that she was hurting. the next morning, her pee was very bloody.  I was assumed it was a UTI again and started her on Clavamox (I had leftover pills...a few weeks back when she went on clavamox, she stopped eating so I was told by the vet to stop after a week's dosage and keep the pills for the next UTI).  Since my family was going away for the weekend and my wife thought the cat was close to the end, she urged me to take the cat to the vet to check on her quality of life/status.  and if the cat was not well off, that maybe I would stay home with her.  my vet saw her and agreed she probably just had another UTI and otherwise she was "fine" (he checked her heart).  With that information, I brought her to my parents to have them watch her for the weekend.  they had extensive instructions on her insulin and antibiotic.  I checked in on Friday and Sat. and my folks said she was fine.  Driving home on Sunday, my parents told me that they would bring her to my house (which was not usual) vs. me picking her up.  I got her home and she seemed okay...a little lethargic but okay.  After coming home from a late lunch, I found her under our bed surrounded by bad diarrhea.  I gently pulled her out and gave her a bath and tried to get her to respond/wake up.  I tried to feed her to no avail.  I wrapped her in a blanket and we had our boys say goodbye to her (told them probably for good).  on to the way to the hospital, she was having seizures which were unbearable to watch.  at the vet hospital, I told them what was going on and my wife though putting her down was the humane thing to do now. I asked them to check her blood sugar b/c I suspected that b/c she did not eat much, she probably overdosed on the high insulin dosage and was hyperglycemic.  I was correct or at least they confirmed that her blood sugar level was almost unreadable.  they hooked up an iv and tried to give her sugar.  they could not get the sugar up too much they said.  they gave her valium for the seizures.  the doctor explained that the humane thing to do was probably to euthanize her.  My wife and I agreed to it but I wished that I had asked if they could have saved her ...by pumping meds into her and getting seizures to stop and blood sugar to go up.  I am 99% sure that those would be temporary measures and she would die soon anyways and in more pain.  I know that she was old and failing (between the constant UTIs, the seizures (she had a few small ones a few weeks back ...brought on my the tumor that she probably had), the inability to walk that well, and her diabetes fight) but I feel like I killed her by not being there to give her less insulin (I am not sure if I would have known to give her less insulin Sunday morning knowing that she did not eat much; however, my parents told me after the fact that she had violent diarrhea that Sunday morning before they brought her home to me).  I was so close to her...she was my companion for 13 out of those 16 years of her life (my wife had rescued her off the streets when she was a kitty)(I became her primary caregiver as my wife focused more on our two boys).  I know that I need to forgive myself but am having a hard time not remembering her pain toward the end and wish that I had stayed home with her that weekend.  I miss her so much.

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  Dogs and cats usually do not live a long time with Diabetes, it seems to be harder to control in them.  It sounds to me like you did everything you could for her and that the most humane thing was to let her go.  That said, I know how hard it is, extremely painful, I am very sorry for your loss.  I had a cat dies of cancer that was misdiagnosed as sinus infection and he was absolutely miserable the last month of his life, and I've always regretted not having him put down sooner to spare him that month of pain, but because the emergency vet misdiagnosed him it cost him a lot of suffering.  It is hard to deal with this knowledge.  I found these articles to be helpful:
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

[AJWCat]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost two cats to lymphoma years ago and had to make the decision to put them down. It is never easy but you absolutely did the right thing. They go downhill so fast, it is such a shock. I hope you are doing okay and remember that you gave your kitty a wonderful life. 

[Bri]

thanks to you both for your kind words.  I knew her time was coming but it did happen so fast and I also feel like I made some mistakes at the end that quickened her end.  I need to move on from the guilt and remember all the love between us.

 

[AJWCat]

It does happen fast and cats hide their sickness so well as it is, so when things go wrong, they go wrong faster than we'd ever think. Let go of the guilt, your intentions were at the end and always, pure and with love. I am sorry though, it is a shock to our life to not have them in it.  

[KayC]

On 5/24/2018 at 4:55 AM, Bri said:

I need to move on from the guilt and remember all the love between us.

So true, we grieve, feel the pain, but little by little it changes to remembering the good things.

[Bri]

It has been a month to the day since I had to put my friend to sleep.  some days are better than others and there is always a slight "pit" in my stomach that reminds me of the loss.  The finality of her death in that I won't see her again makes me feel like I am stuck in a constant bad dream.  This website has helped in that my feelings are validated and I am not alone in having to deal with such a painful loss.  I have mostly gotten past my guilt of how her life ended.  I rationalize it by thinking that her going downhill so fast that day spared me from making from making an even tougher decision of putting to sleep at another time ...when she was not in distress like she was.  Between the infections that kept getting because of her bad kidneys and her unregulated diabetes to her back legs failing her more and more each day due to the nerve damage (caused by age and diabetes), she was not "living" like she should and to keep her around was just me being selfish in that I did not want to lose her.  I find myself talking to her in the car or in her old room and am just not sure when the loss will ever go away.  Time has lessened the overall despair and I try to be present and happy for my wife and two boys.  From time to time, my young boys, who are 8 and 5, will mention that they miss her and I then have to be strong and say that she is in a better place now and not suffering even though that to me, at times, is just what everyone says.  I am sad that they had to learn about death so young and I want to maintain their innocence as long as possible.  I hope that everyone on this site who is still dealing with loss like myself can find some joy today and every day.   Below is a picture of one my joys.

[KayC]

It's actually a good teaching scenario for your children because death IS part of life and if we can see it as such it can help us in our acceptance when we encounter it, whether it be a person or a pet.  I find that younger children have a resilience and acceptance about things and our culture changes that so that later on we have a harder time dealing with things as they happen.  You are doing right by assuring them that the cat is no longer in pain, it helps them to know that death of the body is not the end, but rather a change into what is next and that we can reunite someday when our time is ready.

Your cat is beautiful, btw, looks much like one I used to have, I love the stripes and colors.

[Bri]

KayC you are right on all points especially on our cat (she is the one that passed).  we called her "The Pretty Lady". 

[Lennon my boy]

@Bri I absolutely feel you torment my big beautiful black labrador was put to rest one week ago and am constantly tormenting myself if this was the right decision. The vet said there was nothing else that could be done as Lennon had congestive heart failure but we had known this since January and he has being receiving treatment for this and was actually looking like he was doing reasonably well with the medication however during the night last Monday he became very unwell and his heart rate was up again to 200 beats per minute and I rushed him to the emergency vet where I was told that his heart had gotten so bad that he would have a heart attack there was a mention of seeing specialist but I was advised that the outcome would still be the same as there is no cure for congestive heart failure.

After an hour in the vets I agreed to let him pass peaceful it felt that it was fare to Lennon however I now feel like I have wronged him that I should have taken him to the specialist Lennon was on a lot of medication both for his heart and arthritis and he was struggling with it. I know am being selfish here and thinking that the specialist could have prolonged his life but I know that he wanted me to take him home that night and I wanted to take him home too but I was told his heart would give way as it was working so hard to pump the blood around his body. I felt like I had no choice and am devastated absolutely devastated.

I just wanted to write to you to say that I understand your agony and thinking what if I had done this and what if I had done that it's very crushing. I'm still very much at the peak of my grief I think about Lennon constantly even tho I have his sister here Chloe, a husband and 2 children. I have no interest in anything not even eating so for me I don't know where to go from here.

I find this forum helps a little you can say exactly what u feel without being judged and there people on here know what you are going through. If only we could go back and change the past. I know I couldn't have changed Lennon's heart failure but maybe there was something else I could have done.

My thoughts are with you as is with other people who have got in touch with me on this sight. Lets hope one day we will forgive ourselves.

[Bri]

thanks for kind words Lennon by boy.  there is no way around it.  loss it hard.  your beautiful dog and my lovely cat were both given full lives full of love from us; however, I personally can't take comfort in the words, "they lived a long life".  The decision to let them go is heartwrenching but you and I did the right thing.  they would have just lived a bit longer but in pain.  I just regret not being able to let my cat avoid having any pain near her death.  for that I blame myself and relive some of those horrible moments often.  I have a wife and two young boys and realize that I need to move on a bit, not forget her, but live for the moment and enjoy my family because my cat would not have wanted me to do otherwise.  there is no right or wrong way to mourn.  Sometimes I smile, usually at my boys, and feel guilty because I should be sad because my cat is dead; however, with time, I have allowed myself to enjoy life a bit.  I think about her all the time and I am not sure when the hollowness leaves me.  Try to balance some of the guilt with all the good that you did for your dog.  There is no easy answer or solution.  I wish you comfort as time heals you.

[KayC]

Grief is a process, neither quick nor easy.  We often feel guilt for what is beyond us to fix, undeservedly, we would have done anything we could to have helped them, but we are limited in what we can do.  So hard!