My husband died.

[Kal1120]

It has been suggested to me that writing things out might be “therapeutic”...not sure I agree but here goes...

My husband and I were married for 3 years. He was (is???) the love of my life. I am currently almost 7 months pregnant with our first child. We were so excited about this baby. 

A month ago he was involved in a car accident. The other driver fell asleep. My husband died. The other driver wasn’t injured at all because he was sleeping. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. How am I a widow at 32???? How am I supposed to go on and raise our baby by myself? How am I supposed to go through life without him? How am I supposed to go through the birthing process without him? 

Im just so....angry, resentful, and sad. We were supposed to grow old together and raise children together. Now I’m having to navigate life alone. I go to stores and sometimes an unknowing stranger will ask me when I’m due, and then make a comment like “I bet daddy is excited!” and I don’t know what to say. He was excited. He couldn’t wait to be a father. I’ve accidentally blurted out “oh, he died” before, and it just makes things so much worse. 

I’m finally past the point of crying most of the day.  I’m really just feeling so sad and terrible. I’m hormonal. I’m trying to navigate the levels of grief. Nothing is easy. I’m trying to tell myself things will get “easier,” but I don’t even know how true that really is. 

[Autocharge]

16 minutes ago, Kal1120 said:

How am I supposed to go on and raise our baby by myself?

Hi Kal1120

WOW,  My wife fought cancer for 16 years. She was 35 when she was diagnosed. I had the same fear that you are facing. "How am I supposed to go on and raise our baby by myself?" but in my case it was my two kids (5 and 7 years). The fear and the pressure are tremendous. The unknown all the what if's. I chose to face this fear not because I was strong or had something to prove to anyone but because I had no choice. My wife need me too. Your Husband needs you to.

Autocharge

[Kal1120]

2 hours ago, Autocharge said:

Hi Kal1120

WOW,  My wife fought cancer for 16 years. She was 35 when she was diagnosed. I had the same fear that you are facing. "How am I supposed to go on and raise our baby by myself?" but in my case it was my two kids (5 and 7 years). The fear and the pressure are tremendous. The unknown all the what if's. I chose to face this fear not because I was strong or had something to prove to anyone but because I had no choice. My wife need me too. Your Husband needs you to.

Autocharge

Thank you for responding. I’m so sorry about your wife. You’re so right that he needs me to. Thank you for saying that. Sometimes it’s hard to see any light in the darkness, but I know it’s there...somewhere, and I hope it gets brighter as time passes. 

[ModHerc]

Hi Kal,

Losses are always painful, but the additional hormones and fear of the future must be terrible for you.  I am so sorry for you, your child and for him.  I don’t know about therapeutic, but I have found that writing my thoughts out let’s me at least organize and better understand the emotions I am going through.  I hope you find it to be the same.

While the people here may not share the specifics of your situation, they will understand many of the emotions you are going through, and empathize.  He IS the love of your life, just as my wife IS still the love of mine.  That is one thing I can tell you for certain.  Your situation may evolve and grow with time, but that is not something you need to worry about.

Only a month out I couldn’t think straight.  I was just starting to come out of the initial shock.  I left my keys in the lock of my door, I found my wallet in the fridge, I was on autopilot just trying to find a way to get back to my bed every day so that I could cry.  What I found helped the most was simply focusing on the moment as it was, especially during the bad moments.  I know you have another level of planning required due to the pregnancy, so I know you have to look at least a little into the future, but when you can just take it one moment at a time.

Feeling angry, resentful, sad and terrible is normal.  I wish with all my heart you didn’t have to feel those things, but given the nature of our loss it is exactly what we should be feeling.  A lot of society tells us we shouldn’t, that we should “move on”, that we should focus on the good things in our life, that they are in a “better place”.  A lot of society can also kiss my backside.  The people that say that for the most part haven’t had to go through what we are going through.  I will feel however I need to feel at any given moment in order to live with this loss, and frankly anyone who doesn’t like it, or thinks I should feel differently doesn’t really matter to me any more.  Feel the things you need to feel.  You don’t have to feel the way anyone else wants you to, and you don’t have to apologize for, or feel even worse, about feeling that way.

I hated trips to the store.  The grocery store was the absolute worst for me.  I would get all the way to the checkout, and then realize I had three or four things in the cart that I didn’t even like.  I hate cream of mushroom soup and Hawaiian Punch, they made it into the cart because my wife loved them.  I bet there are some random strangers who are still wondering why that 45 year old guy was crying when he put the Diet Grape soda back on the shelf.

Given time, things do get easier, or maybe we just get better at doing hard things.  I couldn’t really say which one it is.  You can do it though.  I am a year and a half in, and there are still bad days.  But I manage to do things, some little, some big.  You will manage to do them as well. Many small steps will take you further down the path than a single leap.

I know you’ve probably already had doctors and friends tell you this, but do try to focus on self care.  With a child it is even more important.  Drink as much water as you can, eat what you can, sleep when you can.  Hoping you find some comfort here,

Herc

[Kal1120]

23 minutes ago, Herc said:

Hi Kal,

Losses are always painful, but the additional hormones and fear of the future must be terrible for you.  I am so sorry for you, your child and for him.  I don’t know about therapeutic, but I have found that writing my thoughts out let’s me at least organize and better understand the emotions I am going through.  I hope you find it to be the same.

While the people here may not share the specifics of your situation, they will understand many of the emotions you are going through, and empathize.  He IS the love of your life, just as my wife IS still the love of mine.  That is one thing I can tell you for certain.  Your situation may evolve and grow with time, but that is not something you need to worry about.

Only a month out I couldn’t think straight.  I was just starting to come out of the initial shock.  I left my keys in the lock of my door, I found my wallet in the fridge, I was on autopilot just trying to find a way to get back to my bed every day so that I could cry.  What I found helped the most was simply focusing on the moment as it was, especially during the bad moments.  I know you have another level of planning required due to the pregnancy, so I know you have to look at least a little into the future, but when you can just take it one moment at a time.

Feeling angry, resentful, sad and terrible is normal.  I wish with all my heart you didn’t have to feel those things, but given the nature of our loss it is exactly what we should be feeling.  A lot of society tells us we shouldn’t, that we should “move on”, that we should focus on the good things in our life, that they are in a “better place”.  A lot of society can also kiss my backside.  The people that say that for the most part haven’t had to go through what we are going through.  I will feel however I need to feel at any given moment in order to live with this loss, and frankly anyone who doesn’t like it, or thinks I should feel differently doesn’t really matter to me any more.  Feel the things you need to feel.  You don’t have to feel the way anyone else wants you to, and you don’t have to apologize for, or feel even worse, about feeling that way.

I hated trips to the store.  The grocery store was the absolute worst for me.  I would get all the way to the checkout, and then realize I had three or four things in the cart that I didn’t even like.  I hate cream of mushroom soup and Hawaiian Punch, they made it into the cart because my wife loved them.  I bet there are some random strangers who are still wondering why that 45 year old guy was crying when he put the Diet Grape soda back on the shelf.

Given time, things do get easier, or maybe we just get better at doing hard things.  I couldn’t really say which one it is.  You can do it though.  I am a year and a half in, and there are still bad days.  But I manage to do things, some little, some big.  You will manage to do them as well. Many small steps will take you further down the path than a single leap.

I know you’ve probably already had doctors and friends tell you this, but do try to focus on self care.  With a child it is even more important.  Drink as much water as you can, eat what you can, sleep when you can.  Hoping you find some comfort here,

Herc

Thank you for your kind words. Admittedly  my post made it appear I’m doing better than I am. I’m so devastated and I honestly feel lost. I’m trying really hard to be cheery and making a lot of missteps.

Somebody told me the other day to “try to be more cheery” because “if you’re depressed while pregnant, you’ll have a sad baby!”  That made me really, really, mad. It’s almost like because I’m pregnant, that’s supposed to make me magically feel better. It just doesn’t work that way. I know some people feel like they’re being comforting maybe. Maybe I’m giving them too much credit. I don’t know. 

It’s interesting that you should mention that about the grocery store. My husband really loved Mountain Dew. I would buy it every week. I was in the store over the weekend and on autopilot. I automatically grabbed it. I didn’t realize until I got to the check out and next thing you know I’m blubbering all over the place to the cashier about “needing to put the Mountain Dew back”. Sigh  

I hate feeling so out of control. It’s like I’m on a rollercoaster and I can’t get off. I’m having a really hard time not shutting the world out. I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t want to talk to people. I find myself having a hard time not lashing out at people because they “don’t get it”. It’s just not fair. Nothing about this is fair....and if one more person tells me he’s “in a better place,” or “everything happens for a reason,” I might end up on the 6:00 news. 

Katie

[ModHerc]

You are allowed to not be cheery.  You are allowed to make missteps.  Your baby will be wonderful regardless of how you feel while that miracle is inside you.  Those people are trying to be comforting, but just because they are trying to appear to be nice, and indeed may be nice people, it doesn’t make them any less ignorant.

I say ignorant because I think it is an important distinction.  Many of the people giving you advice have no experience with this.  It is like taking medical advice from a truck driver.  He may be the nicest truck driver in the world, that doesn’t mean he knows a single thing about what your blood pressure should be.  Most people when confronted with giving someone else medical advice would say go see a doctor.  Unfortunately when it comes to grief they just can’t admit that they know nothing about it, and they are scared to really even think about it because they don’t want to have to deal with it themselves.

I honestly don’t blame them.  Given the choice I would probably take the blue pill and go on about my life without this pain.  I seem to remember that being easier, but this is where I am now, and I will do my best to live with it, because that is all I can do now.  I rarely grab the Hawaiian Punch now, but when I do, I just leave it on the counter, or ask the cashier nicely to put it back.  I have enough problems, and with all the people who have told me “let me know what I can do to help”, I figure they can figure out how to get that back on the shelf and let me deal with the other issues I am going through.

Control is a hard one to address.  How can we have control when simply hearing a familiar song can send us spiraling down the tube into a full blown crying/panic attack?  I admit there are things beyond my control, then again there always were. These things are just a little more personal, and the rules have changed.

As we go through this experience we learn those rules and get a little better at dealing with them.  I’ve found that I can’t drive past the grave site if I have classic rock on the radio.  That will send me into a full blown crying fit, so I turn on a podcast, unless I want to stop and focus on my loss.  I do that when I want to now, but there are still things that surprise me, and probably always will.  Given time, you will gain a measure of control.  I would also say though that not being in control has its place too.  Those moments I don’t have control are a tribute to my wife.  She was a wonderful woman, and constantly surprised me, it is only right that once in a while she shows me how terrible, and wonderful the world was, is, and can still be.

That rollercoaster is absolutely terrifying, and we are on it for the rest of our lives.  You are absolutely right, it is all completely unfair.  I won’t say he is in a better place, or that everything happens for a reason.  What I will say is that any ignorant person that says that never had the pleasure of loving someone as deeply as I love my wife.  Hoping you find some  measure of peace and comfort,

Herc

[KayC]

@Kal1120  I am so sorry.  No one would expect to lose their husband at 32.  I wouldn't know what to say to people, I'd probably blurt out "he was excited but he died!" which would get a shocked reaction and make everything worse.  But how do you compose yourself or say nothing?  I don't know.  I hope you have someone go through the birthing process with you, a mom, a friend, someone.  And I hope you have lots of support around you to help you.

Yes, writing can help us in our grief process.  I found a grief site when my husband unexpectedly died and it made all the difference in the world.  Just knowing I wasn't going through it alone, that there were others that understood.

I wrote this based on my 12 year journey, I hope even one thing helps you.  Everything might not resonate with you right now, you could print it out and read it every few months, the grief journey changes along the way.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Kal1120]

I appreciate everybody taking the time to respond to me. It feels sort of helpful to have this site where there are others who really (or at least mostly, everybody has different experiences with this) understand the hell I’m going through. 

I’m having a hard day today and it’s only 9:00am. It’s all really setting in that he’s never going to come back. I feel very lonely and I’m in such despair.  I’m going to see a grief counselor next week. I’m not handling things very well and I’m hoping they will be able to give me some strategies to cope properly. It might end up being a waste of time, but it’s worth a try, I guess. 

[Jackiag862]

1 hour ago, Kal1120 said:

I appreciate everybody taking the time to respond to me. It feels sort of helpful to have this site where there are others who really (or at least mostly, everybody has different experiences with this) understand the hell I’m going through. 

I’m having a hard day today and it’s only 9:00am. It’s all really setting in that he’s never going to come back. I feel very lonely and I’m in such despair.  I’m going to see a grief counselor next week. I’m not handling things very well and I’m hoping they will be able to give me some strategies to cope properly. It might end up being a waste of time, but it’s worth a try, I guess. 

I’m so depressed too. I understand this hell. I can’t believe this is happening, It’s only been 15 days and I’m still in such shock and so much denial. I’ve already started to see a grief counselor cuz I know I won’t make it without a ton of help. I’m waiting for it to really set in too. I just want you to know that even though i don’t know you, I’m here with you. For some reason coming on here is one of the only things that calms me down a tiny bit. I pray for all of us. 

[Kal1120]

45 minutes ago, Jackiag862 said:

I’m so depressed too. I understand this hell. I can’t believe this is happening, It’s only been 15 days and I’m still in such shock and so much denial. I’ve already started to see a grief counselor cuz I know I won’t make it without a ton of help. I’m waiting for it to really set in too. I just want you to know that even though i don’t know you, I’m here with you. For some reason coming on here is one of the only things that calms me down a tiny bit. I pray for all of us. 

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s really terrible. His best friend since second grade has been calling me or coming to see me every day. We are both suffering. I know he understands. He’s been helping me with “silly” things I never thought about before...like cutting the grass. I appreciate that a lot. He feels like the only person in my life that I can be honest with about how I’m really feeling and he won’t be fazed. My family tries, and are probably doing their best, but they don’t really know what to say a lot of the time. We were/are estranged from his family. I was the bigger person and did what I feel was the right thing to do and let them know about his death, but none of them came to the services or anything, and I haven’t heard from them since. 

[Nely]

21 hours ago, Kal1120 said:

My husband and I were married for 3 years. He was (is???) the love of my life. I am currently almost 7 months pregnant with our first child. We were so excited about this baby. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. How am I a widow at 32???? How am I supposed to go on and raise our baby by myself? How am I supposed to go through life without him? How am I supposed to go through

I am sorry for you loss Kal.... You know, reading through your story, I can relate with it as mine is not so different. I am 32 and lost my husband of barely 2years, 11 months and 14 days 15 days into our 3rd anniversary. Our anniversary was merely 15 days away when he left for work and never came back. We have a son together. I must say that am so lucky that at least he experienced one of the things he cherished so much, his Son running to him and calling him "daddy".

It's only 35 days since he passed and I must tell you that it hasn't been easy. It's good that you found your way here because the people here are so wonderful that meeting them has helped me a lot. I'm always here when I'm losing it. You may feel ok sometimes, for me whenever I feel ok, it's because I am blank or here getting support.

Like I mentioned in my post in "loss of a partner"  I felt kind of calm yesterday and was able to have a good conversation. However, it didn't feel good to me and I came here to talk to this great family. On this note, I urge you to talk about what bothers you and certainly you will find support.

Today hasn't been an easy one for me though. I'd not bore you with the details. I'm not saying this to discourage you or to make you feel that it's all over. Like the people here whom I've grown to respect so much say, there isn't getting over this but co_existing with it, partly because of the kind of relationship we have with our partners. Yes, I still use present tense when I talk about my beloved. The relationship I have with him is so deep, so deep that sometimes I wonder if I will ever heal. I must admit that I still live in some sort of denial of the SAD reality. 

I wish I can say something about all the "ifs". I also have so many questions unanswered. The great people here advice that we take each day at a time. Try it and see if it works for you.

I wish you the best with the baby. Difficult as this may seem, for the sake of the baby, take care of yourself. Admittedly, this is hard as I don't know if I would be able to do so if I was wearing that shoe. I believe a baby on the way gives you something to look forward to positively. Having that life in you is your husband living inside of you. That believe should keep you going. My husband and I were already prepared for a second baby. Unfortunately, thAt is not to be as I am not pregnant. Sometimes, I honestly wish I am, as that would have kept our dream and I would have known that though he is not here, he lives inside and is growing inside of me. On this premise, I am of the opinion that you should be grateful for the life in you.

I'm able to talk to you today because of the strength I draw from the support here. Like me, I hope you draw strength too. I hope we get the peace that we so much desire and are able to still make something out of live for the length of time we still have here.

[ppam]

22 hours ago, Kal1120 said:

It has been suggested to me that writing things out might be “therapeutic”...not sure I agree but here goes...

My husband and I were married for 3 years. He was (is???) the love of my life. I am currently almost 7 months pregnant with our first child. We were so excited about this baby. 

A month ago he was involved in a car accident. The other driver fell asleep. My husband died. The other driver wasn’t injured at all because he was sleeping. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. How am I a widow at 32???? How am I supposed to go on and raise our baby by myself? How am I supposed to go through life without him? How am I supposed to go through the birthing process without him? 

Im just so....angry, resentful, and sad. We were supposed to grow old together and raise children together. Now I’m having to navigate life alone. I go to stores and sometimes an unknowing stranger will ask me when I’m due, and then make a comment like “I bet daddy is excited!” and I don’t know what to say. He was excited. He couldn’t wait to be a father. I’ve accidentally blurted out “oh, he died” before, and it just makes things so much worse. 

I’m finally past the point of crying most of the day.  I’m really just feeling so sad and terrible. I’m hormonal. I’m trying to navigate the levels of grief. Nothing is easy. I’m trying to tell myself things will get “easier,” but I don’t even know how true that really is. 

 

[ppam]

All you are feeling I feel also though we were together 58 years. He was my life and I can not function without him. I do not want to get up,walk about, even breath. I am so so sorry for you ,what a terrible thing for you to have to cope with at what should be such a joyful time. You are going to cope however much you think you won't. You will cope because you love him and he loves you. This is his baby and you will care for yourself and the baby because of that love. And you know even though we had all those years together, from being 16, I feel cheated too when I see old people strolling together, having a coffee, shopping and being normal. I think why did he have to go. My life is empty, lonely and meaningless. You WILL have a purpose and you will have so much love to give your baby when you have allowed yourself the time you need. it's unfair and it should never have happened and you have every right to be B***** furious. I wish you well love, my heart goes out to you.

[Kal1120]

2 hours ago, ppam said:

All you are feeling I feel also though we were together 58 years. He was my life and I can not function without him. I do not want to get up,walk about, even breath. I am so so sorry for you ,what a terrible thing for you to have to cope with at what should be such a joyful time. You are going to cope however much you think you won't. You will cope because you love him and he loves you. This is his baby and you will care for yourself and the baby because of that love. And you know even though we had all those years together, from being 16, I feel cheated too when I see old people strolling together, having a coffee, shopping and being normal. I think why did he have to go. My life is empty, lonely and meaningless. You WILL have a purpose and you will have so much love to give your baby when you have allowed yourself the time you need. it's unfair and it should never have happened and you have every right to be B***** furious. I wish you well love, my heart goes out to you.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t know what to do with myself without him. We did everything together. I feel like part of me is missing....like my arm has been amputated or something. It’s a terrible feeling.  We were so happy and so looking forward to our future with our baby. I feel like I’m floundering. I’m having a weepy day. I see our wedding picture and cry. I see a picture of us in my phone and cry. “Our” cat, who was his before we married, walks around into the different rooms of our home meowing. I know he’s looking for him. That makes me cry too. I don’t know what to. I feel like all I’ve done today is move to different parts of the house crying. I feel “stuck”. I can’t go backwards in time to be with him again and I can’t move forward. I don’t feel like I’m “living.” I’m just “existing”. I’m broken, and I hate it. All I want to do is talk about him since I can’t actually talk to him. I talk to him in my head all the time. I fear I’m getting repetitive. People don’t really want to talk about his life like I do. They want to talk about the upcoming lawsuit against the driver who did this to us. The lawsuit is the last thing I want to talk about though. I want to talk about how he loved Mountain Dew and the color blue. I want to talk about the funny things he’d say. I want to talk about how much we loved each other. I want to talk about how important of a person he was, and still is. 

[Jackiag862]

That’s exactly how I feel. Even though it hurts so much to talk about it, I just think about everything he loves, and things that annoy him, and our jokes and his skin and smile. That’s all I care about. I don’t care about my future or anything really anymore. People just don’t know what to say. My stepdad said I should go back to work full time and move on. He honestly isn’t trying to be mean he was just raised that way. But people don’t understand. I know how it feels to love someone with every part of you and have them ripped away. That’s why I come on here so much during the day. Even though my heart breaks for everyone, it helps knowing people have made it through this. I don’t have a baby and am not pregnant but his kids who are older I am very close with and for some reason even though they’re hurting so much too, we find it easier to be with each other. It’s just that love and those pieces of him that I see in them and they see in me. 

[Kal1120]

It’s hard for me all the time, but I’m finding that the night hours are especially hard for me. I haven’t really been sleeping much. I try to sleep, sometimes I’ll drift off because eventually the body just demands it - I won’t sleep for very long if I manage to sleep, but I spend most of my nights on the couch with his cat, wide awake. I was an avid reader before his death, but since he’s died, I’ve found I can’t seem to read books anymore. I just can’t focus. I’ll read a few pages and then find that I can’t remember anything about what I just read. I mostly stare into the darkness and dwell on how much I miss him. It’s agonizing. 

[ModHerc]

40 minutes ago, Kal1120 said:

It’s hard for me all the time, but I’m finding that the night hours are especially hard for me. I haven’t really been sleeping much. I try to sleep, sometimes I’ll drift off because eventually the body just demands it - I won’t sleep for very long if I manage to sleep, but I spend most of my nights on the couch with his cat, wide awake. I was an avid reader before his death, but since he’s died, I’ve found I can’t seem to read books anymore. I just can’t focus. I’ll read a few pages and then find that I can’t remember anything about what I just read. I mostly stare into the darkness and dwell on how much I miss him. It’s agonizing. 

@Kal1120,

This isn’t exactly the same, but I understand what you mean about not being able to read.  I used to love football, it was something we shared.  She was a Browns fan, and I am a Broncos fan, but we both enjoyed just watching a game.

We turned Sunday afternoons into a work of art.  Great food, good conversation, just holding one another while sitting on the couch for hours.  Since she passed I just haven’t been able to get back into it.  I keep up a bit, but the joy of it is gone and I just can’t seem to be bothered to try.  So Sunday’s go quietly now, and the chicken wings and pot roasts have been replaced with a simple bowl of canned soup.

I still wake up in the middle of the night, and stare into the darkness.  But I try to make sure I set regular times.  I go to bed at the same time every night, and lie there until the alarm goes off to get up.  Gradually I have been sleeping through the entire night more often, although I still have some stretches where it just doesn’t happen.

I don’t know if this is a problem for you, but it is something that helped me.  Early on someone on this board mentioned to me that it might help to sleep on “her” side of the bed.  It kept me from just staring at the place she should have been and crying.  It didn’t “solve” the problem, but it did make it a little easier.  Hoping you find a way to get some rest,

Herc

[ModHerc]

5 hours ago, Kal1120 said:

I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t know what to do with myself without him. We did everything together. I feel like part of me is missing....like my arm has been amputated or something. It’s a terrible feeling.  We were so happy and so looking forward to our future with our baby. I feel like I’m floundering. I’m having a weepy day. I see our wedding picture and cry. I see a picture of us in my phone and cry. “Our” cat, who was his before we married, walks around into the different rooms of our home meowing. I know he’s looking for him. That makes me cry too. I don’t know what to. I feel like all I’ve done today is move to different parts of the house crying. I feel “stuck”. I can’t go backwards in time to be with him again and I can’t move forward. I don’t feel like I’m “living.” I’m just “existing”. I’m broken, and I hate it. All I want to do is talk about him since I can’t actually talk to him. I talk to him in my head all the time. I fear I’m getting repetitive. People don’t really want to talk about his life like I do. They want to talk about the upcoming lawsuit against the driver who did this to us. The lawsuit is the last thing I want to talk about though. I want to talk about how he loved Mountain Dew and the color blue. I want to talk about the funny things he’d say. I want to talk about how much we loved each other. I want to talk about how important of a person he was, and still is. 

I almost missed this one.  Another thing that helped me was writing letters to her.  I wrote them, and made a copy.  Then I would burn one copy to “send” to her, and kept the other.  I have gone back and reread several of them, which has helped in a couple of ways.  It reminds me of her, but it also shows the progress I have made over time.  I have put them all in a file so that one day my daughter can read them many years from now when I am gone to give her another link to her mother.  I don’t know if any of these things will help you, everyones grief path is different.  But I want to share what I can in case you see something you might want to try.  Keeping this one short,

Herc

[Sunflower2]

22 hours ago, Jackiag862 said:

I’m so depressed too. I understand this hell. I can’t believe this is happening, It’s only been 15 days and I’m still in such shock and so much denial. I’ve already started to see a grief counselor cuz I know I won’t make it without a ton of help. I’m waiting for it to really set in too. I just want you to know that even though i don’t know you, I’m here with you. For some reason coming on here is one of the only things that calms me down a tiny bit. I pray for all of us. 

thoughts are with you!  So fresh! The shock is very traumatic! Continue to share continue to follow those on the same journey.  I work with a grief counselor.  Once a week.  It is a necessary self care support system.  even moving 7 months into my sudden loss I need it.  none of us are prepared for the magnitude of this loss and the feelings we have to work through.  one baby step at a time. one moment at a time.  to even glimpse into the future is shattering but that peek happens. 

[KayC]

On 5/22/2018 at 6:13 AM, Kal1120 said:

I’m going to see a grief counselor next week. I’m not handling things very well and I’m hoping they will be able to give me some strategies to cope properly. It might end up being a waste of time, but it’s worth a try, I guess. 

I highly recommend seeing a grief counselor, just make sure it really is a counselor trained in grief, I've discovered not all are.  If you don't feel they're of help, after about three tries, don't be afraid to try another one.

I don't know if you read or could even absorb the Tips for Grief, but I want to reiterate that it's good to see a doctor, tell them what you're going through, get some help for sleeping.  I didn't and I regret that, sometimes sleeping only one hour and having to get up and go to work the next day!  No reason to tough it out like that on your own, not sure if there's anything can be taken when you're pregnant, but I've heard there's essential oils for everything and maybe something can help with the sleep.

 

[Kal1120]

@Herc

Thank you for the tips. I’ll really try anything at this point. I’m really struggling with all of this. I tried writing to him last night, and while it kind of broke my heart that I need to write to him instead of being able to have an actual conversation with him, I think once I was done, I felt a teeny bit more at peace, which I’ll take at this point. I also think it’s a good idea to try to set a time to go to bed and stick to it. I’m going to start trying to do that. I don’t know why I never thought of some of these things myself because they all really make a lot of sense. Since he died, it’s like I can’t manage to think of anything that “makes sense” on my own. My mind is constantly racing. Trying to sleep on his side of the bed might work too. I do spend an awful lot of time looking over towards “his” side. Thank you again for the tips and support. It really means a lot to me. Also, I like that your wife was a Browns fan. I’m from Cleveland. :-)

@KayC 

Thank you for all the information. I’ll have to call and make sure they’re trained in grief. It never occurred to me that they might not be. This is my first experience with any kind of counseling. It’s just another thing that I never thought I would be having to do...see a grief counselor. I guess I need to get used to this new life and my new “normal” whatever that might end up being. 

[ModHerc]

@Kal1120,

Don’t worry about that mind racing thing, it part of the grief.  One of the members here calls it “brain fog” which I think is an incredibly apt description.  If I didn’t have “brain fog” I could probably remember the name of the poster who I think coined it, or at least who I heard it from the first time.

For me it cleared up pretty quickly at about the 2 month point, but I still have flashes of it now and then.  No where near as intensely, but it does happen.  My wife’s family is from Cleveland, or just outside of it to be more accurate.  I think it is a small suburb on the south west side.  I’ll ask her mom next time I talk to her.

I’m glad you are finding some of my experiences helpful, I’ll try to keep posting them, both the ones that worked and the ones that didn’t.  Your experience will be completely different from mine, and some of what didn’t work for me may work for you, and some of what did work may not be what you need.  Hoping you can take it one moment at a time and find comfort and peace in those moments,

Herc

[Kal1120]

I was put on a bedrest of sorts today because of some “minor” issues I’ve been having that nobody wants to become “major” issues. I’m feeling really down and defeated. I didn’t need another thing to be sad and worrying about. I’m trying to remind myself that he was so excited about this baby, and loved this baby already (I do too) and that I need to do whatever I can do, in this case modified bedrest to make sure the baby is okay. I can’t control much right now but I can control if I follow what the doctor says or not. I’m frustrated. 

[ModHerc]

@Kal1120,

The bed rest is probably a great thing for you.  It is something I have been concerned about regarding your situation.  Almost everyone I have talked to in early grief has had physical medical problems as well.  In some cases it is as simple as muscle cramps, sometimes more serious, heart palpitations, large variations in blood pressure, things like that.  Those physical ailments are very real.  I am glad you are receiving medical attention and advice about it.

This is precautionary.  The medical advice is to prevent larger issues, not to treat a current condition.  This is a very good thing for you, and for the baby.  You are absolutely right that you can control whether you follow the doctors advice or not.

I can think of a lot of reasons to follow their advice.  1. They are experts in the field.  2. Grief does come with physical problems in addition to mental and emotional issues.  3. Doing simple things like drinking, eating, and sleeping enough is a problem for everyone during grief.  You have to do it for two people, which I imagine is overwhelming.  4.  Following a doctors advice is much more likely to be helpful than harmful.  5.  You have already acknowledged you are having difficulty thinking of things that make sense (almost everyone I talk to in the early stages of grief feels the same including myself).  If you need more reasons, I’ll be happy to list more, and even research it for you if you want.

Not following the advice as near as I can tell breaks down to one thing.  1.  I am frustrated and want to feel some control in my life.  This is a very logical, necessary, and understandable need.  We are all feeling as though we have no control.  It is one of the most horrible parts of grief.  If we had control, our loved one would still be here.  So we search for that control any where we can, and on occasion rebel against things that otherwise would make perfect sense.  I get it.  All I have to say about that is that following the doctors orders IS a choice you are making.  You can choose self care for yourself and your child, or you can choose to take another path.  If it were up to me I would choose for you to take the best care of yourself as possible, you deserve it.

You say you are down and defeated.  You are frustrated.  I infer that you are not excited, which is more than understandable, this grief is the lowest point in all our lives, how could any of us be excited?  What I say in return is that I see your strength and resolve.  You can, and will survive this, one moment at a time if need be.  The choice is yours, and I know you will choose the right one because you are a remarkable, strong, resilient person, even in the face of this dark time.  Sending you every ounce of strength I have, but realizing it is nothing compared to the strength you already have,

Herc

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Kal1120 said:

I’ll have to call and make sure they’re trained in grief. It never occurred to me that they might not be.

The one I first went to was not...he actually lied to me about it.  His directives were very off, I quickly realized he had no clue what he was talking about.  Thankfully, I got out of it after just a few sessions.  He loaned me a book to read, the opening line was "I took my wedding ring off."  WHAT!!!  I had just lost my husband the week before, is he nuts giving me a book like that?!!!  I wouldn't wish him on anyone going through this.  He might be a fine drug and alcohol counselor, but grief?  Hell no!

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Kal1120 said:

I was put on a bedrest of sorts today because of some “minor” issues I’ve been having that nobody wants to become “major” issues.

It's common to experience physical displays of our grief.  I did, when George died my feet swelled up huge, it was very scary.  The doctor sent me for a stress test and put me on diuretics, watched my blood pressure.  It took a while but it came down.  I knew my husband wanted me to live, for my kids' sakes.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/03/physical-reactions-to-loss.html

Take good care of yourself, we want that baby safe and sound!

[Kal1120]

@Herc

Thank you for your thoughtful response. It helped me think a little more clearly, I think. You’re right. I’m not excited anymore. I wish I was. I want to be. 

@KayC

Thank you for the link. It was informative, and I can’t believe he lied to you. That’s really horrible....and taking the ring off that soon....I still haven’t taken mine off and I wear his around my neck. 

 

Admittedly bedrest is feeling a lot like a new torture, as if I haven’t already been tortured enough in my head. I had been doing a lot of pacing...moving around throughout my house. I feel an intense sense of “agitation” having to sit down all day. I’m trying to distract myself from my thoughts by doing what I can sitting down. My husband and I were fairly active in the vinyl record community here. He was horrible about putting records in any order. I’ve been trying to alphabetize them. My husband was really into Cleveland sports. It makes me so sad that the Cavs are in the playoffs and he’s not here to see it. I tried to watch the last game because that’s what we would be doing were he here, and I just couldn’t. It made me really upset...hyperventilating sobbing. This is all SO hard. 

[ModHerc]

@Kal1120,

You will be excited again, given time it will happen.  That doesn't mean you will forget this experience or "get over it", but in time some things in your life will return to close to the way they were before.  As KayC always says you will learn to co-exist with your grief.  That includes things like having a beautiful child, and being excited about their accomplishments and growth.  At the beginning I had to just take it one moment at a time and not worry about the future.  The future will take care of itself, for now you take care of you.

At least with the Cav's, he got to see Cleveland bring home a championship.  I know he'd love to see this season too, but I bet he waited a long time for that 2014-2015 season, at least he had a chance to experience that.  If watching doesn't help then don't.  In time it might be a pleasant reminder, but if it hurts now, just turn it off.

I am sorry it is so hard, and I can only imagine how much harder being pregnant makes it.  I'd like to say something corny like "think of the beautiful child you will have to carry forward his legacy", but I have a feeling at the moment it won't help, because there was almost nothing that could help me early in my grief.  There might have been a few things that brought me some momentary relief, but when those waves of grief hit, it was all over, and the best I could do was breath and try to get through it one moment at a time because thinking about the future only hurt worse.  I felt so bad for my stepdaughter, knowing the things she would have to go through in her life without her mother.

Things like marriage, having children, getting a real professional job, all those milestones in life that Christine would miss, and that my daughter would not be able to share with her.  As it has progressed though, some of those milestones have happened and they are still wonderful.  She has had successes, and failures, and I have been able to be there through them to help her and tell her how proud her mother would have been and is.  Given time, I think you will see a true blessing in your child above and beyond the blessing that all children are.  I know the path to that is clouded at the moment, but taking it one small step at a time I think you will get there, and you don't have to do it all at once.

If you are looking for things to do, look up some of KayC's past posts.  She has an impressive number of links to sites and articles about grief, and most of them are very helpful.  Be careful about movies and TV shows.  In the beginning I ran into quite a few that brought me to those hysterical tears you mentioned.  I was and still am a huge movie fan, but after her passing the way I saw movies changed.  Even familiar old favorites had a very different feel.  I zoned out to netflix at night while trying to go to sleep for a few months.  One of the safest choices I found there was old comedy TV shows from the 80's that didn't have a history between her and I.  Things like Cheers and Frasier that were pretty light and didn't remind me of her.  Hoping you are getting the rest that you need,

Herc

[Kal1120]

@Herc

You are so right in the fact that he was so thrilled to see the Cavs get that championship. Thank you for saying that. It made me smile. I’m going to look for KayC’s posts  too  

I’ve been trying to get myself into a routine where I go to bed at the same time every night. I’m still not really sleeping that well. The doctor told me Tylenol PM would be safe and has encouraged me to try. I really think I might. If I can sleep and escape my thoughts for awhile, I might feel better. I’ve been letting his cat come into the room with me at night. He misses him too. I can tell.

It’s very true that I’m going to need to learn to coexist with my grief. I don’t want to believe that the rest of my life is going to be this cloud of misery. It’s just so hard. His birthday is coming up and even the thought makes me feel sick. He was my best friend. He was a constant presence in my life. The thought that I’m never going to be able to celebrate another birthday with him again is devastating to me. 

I guess I’m having another hard day with my thoughts. I’m watching crappy daytime tv trying to distract myself. I feel shattered. My soul is sad. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Kal1120 said:

I can’t believe he lied to you. That’s really horrible

I think HE fancied himself a counselor of everything...that didn't make him one!

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Kal1120 said:

I tried to watch the last game because that’s what we would be doing were he here, and I just couldn’t. It made me really upset...hyperventilating sobbing. This is all SO hard. 

Yes, it is all so hard.  It's okay to sob, that's how we process our grief, by experiencing it, by allowing ourselves to feel it.  That doesn't mean we have to cry night and day, an existence few of us could bear, we allow ourselves to feel the pain what we can, but give ourselves a break from it too if we can, and so learn to mete out our grief into what we can handle.  It won't stay this intense, it begins to lessen as we adjust and no longer expect them to come through that door or call on the phone.

My husband had eclectic taste when it came to music, we both loved country music, classical, pop, but he loved EVERYTHING (except for rap).  I remember going through his CDs and listening to them, even the ones that weren't my taste, in an effort to get behind his eyes/ears and see what it was he saw in it that made him want to buy that particular one.  That was hard.  It almost felt like a relief when I came to the end of them.  I eventually gave away the ones that were not my taste, but not before listening to it all the way through first.

[Kal1120]

I wish I could see some light. Any light....but I just can’t. I go from feeling completely numb to being in complete despair, and when I’m not in either of those states, all I feel is severe agitation. I feel like the only thing keeping me going is the fact that I’m pregnant so things “can’t just be about me”. Whenever somebody asks “Are you doing okay?” I want to snap. Of course I’m not doing okay. I’m pregnant and my husband was killed. I know they’re trying to be kind and I should be taking it like “they care!” but I just can’t. As much as I like to think I’m a kind person, I’m feeling very “mean” anymore and the fact that I don’t seem to care that I’m feeling mean, slightly troubles me. I can tell I’ve been pushing people away. The only person who seems to understand how I’m feeling is his best friend. I’m have a lot of mental pity parties lately and it doesn’t feel good at all. I cried a lot today. I’m just miserable. 

[Sunflower2]

keep posting keep sharing Kal1120 and follow the other postings...… people don't know what to say.  I have found 3 great supports and they have not experienced  the loss of a partner. There are exceptions and you will find these people.  You will find support from those who have lost a partner and those who have not.  we all have experienced those "whacked out questions,"  There are some people I do avoid  because they simply do not get it.  The support shifts.  Some stay some disappear.

[ModHerc]

@Kal1120,

You aren’t mean.  You are in deep, understandable grief, and you are pregnant.  Anyone who doesn’t understand the very flexible nature of your current emotions is a moron.  Even if they are a nice person, even if they are intelligent, even if they are offering condolences.  If they don’t get that you are under so much pressure you are about to burst, they are undeniably, unequivocally, and almost criminally, stupid.

Unfortunately people like this are likely to talk to you.  I have a mental image of them.  They are a bit cross eyed and drooling from both corners of their mouth, although a bit more from the right side than the left.  They also have a tendency to reach around behind themselves with their left arm to scratch the outside of their right upper buttock.  Really build that image, and the next time some one asks you “Are you doing ok” picture it on them, crossed eyes and all.

Now if you laugh at them they might be a bit upset.  It is nowhere as near upset as you are!  If you need to be “mean”, be mean.  The people asking it care, but they don’t care enough to try and understand your position.  If they did the question would be more along the lines of “what can I do for you”?  Or “I know I can’t solve this but is there anything I can do to help”?

Unfortunately most people don’t have the capacity for that because they haven’t been through what you have.  If anyone has the audacity confront you about it though, they are just going to look like an even bigger moron.  I don’t think I have ever, or will ever, see someone confront a grieving pregnant woman about being insensitive.  I promise you this, if I ever do see that, I’ll take the assault charge for punching that idiot in the head, I bet the judge will be on my side.

Try not to be troubled.  Don’t worry about pushing people away, the ones that are worth it will stay at arms length until you need more.  I will say expecting people to understand is a stretch, most of my life I wouldn’t have understood.  Even now I can relate to a part of your experience, but I can not and will never be able to grasp it all.  That being said all I want for you is comfort and respite from your troubles.  Sending those thoughts to you,

Herc

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Kal1120 said:

I wish I could see some light. Any light....but I just can’t. I go from feeling completely numb to being in complete despair, and when I’m not in either of those states, all I feel is severe agitation. I feel like the only thing keeping me going is the fact that I’m pregnant so things “can’t just be about me”. Whenever somebody asks “Are you doing okay?” I want to snap. Of course I’m not doing okay. I’m pregnant and my husband was killed. I know they’re trying to be kind and I should be taking it like “they care!” but I just can’t. As much as I like to think I’m a kind person, I’m feeling very “mean” anymore and the fact that I don’t seem to care that I’m feeling mean, slightly troubles me. I can tell I’ve been pushing people away. The only person who seems to understand how I’m feeling is his best friend. I’m have a lot of mental pity parties lately and it doesn’t feel good at all. I cried a lot today. I’m just miserable. 

What you are going through is very much a normal part of grief.  People say things without thinking them through, and asking "How are you?" is one of those things.  When we're newly grieving, we are ultra sensitive and everything is filtered through our loss, so whereas we didn't find ourselves vehemently reacting to things people said before our loss, we do now.  We try not to outwardly show what we're inwardly thinking or we'd be as alone as we'd be on a desert island, but still, we find ourselves wondering, "Is this how grief has changed me?"  No, it's what we're going through right now at the time, and it may last a long while, but we won't always feel so reactive although some things people say will definitely hit us differently than before our loss.  They don't know what they haven't experienced.  As Sunflower said, there are some people who are supportive even though they haven't gone through it, perhaps they have the ability to imagine how they'd feel if it was them...I find those people in the minority, but there WILL be those who are toxic and others who are supportive, and for now it's good to select the supportive ones to be around.

His best friend is undoubtedly grieving himself so he gets it.

[Kal1120]

Everyone, thank you for your kind responses. It means something to me to have people who can understand what I’m going through, even though our experiences are different in their own ways. 

I had a bit of a scare this weekend, but I’m home again now. I know I’m being too hard on myself, but I keep thinking I need to be “doing better” for the baby especially after the little scare. Intellectually I realize I am at my breaking point with everything, and I’m truly doing the best I can given the situation I’m in. Things are just really hard right now. 

[KayC]

The best thing you can do for the baby is take care of yourself.  (((hugs)))

[Kal1120]

I’ve been trying to keep myself as busy as I reasonably can. I’m really struggling with the permanence of everything. He’s really gone. One minute he was living and the next he was dead. I’m trying to take comfort in the fact that he probably didn’t know what hit him. They’ve told me he was killed instantly. I’m so glad that he didn’t suffer. I’m so glad that it was a quick death. I’m trying to find some peace, but I’m mostly just bitter and angry. I hate that he’s gone forever from my life. I hate that our baby is going to be born into a world without his or her father. I hate that this trauma has essentially thrown me onto bedrest and all I can seem to do is think about him and miss him. I’ve been writing him letters and it calms me some. I’m still really not sleeping that well and that’s making me feel worse physically. I guess I just needed to vent. 

[LoveGoli]

13 hours ago, Kal1120 said:

I’ve been trying to keep myself as busy as I reasonably can. I’m really struggling with the permanence of everything. He’s really gone. One minute he was living and the next he was dead. I’m trying to take comfort in the fact that he probably didn’t know what hit him. They’ve told me he was killed instantly. I’m so glad that he didn’t suffer. I’m so glad that it was a quick death. I’m trying to find some peace, but I’m mostly just bitter and angry. I hate that he’s gone forever from my life. I hate that our baby is going to be born into a world without his or her father. I hate that this trauma has essentially thrown me onto bedrest and all I can seem to do is think about him and miss him. I’ve been writing him letters and it calms me some. I’m still really not sleeping that well and that’s making me feel worse physically. I guess I just needed to vent. 

I am feeling very sad for you Kal and totally understandable what you going through, we all can understand because we already gone through this and still going on. Where you mentioned you were married for 3 years it hits me so hard because i was married for 3 years too , 3 years 1 month 28 days and that's all i had with him as husband and wife. Its been 11 Month for me and next month 5th july it's going to be  a year and trust me nothing changed, i still miss him like crazy and when i m writing this my eyes are full of tears. The only thing i manged now is faking , i don't cry in office and now i tried to hide my tears from my family, initially i did cry in office and doesn't care about others but now i managed to hide my tears.

I know it's hard but please take care of yourself not for you but for your baby, his last living thing inside you. I don't have any baby and people used to tell me it would be good if you guys had baby but I don't care if i have baby or not bcs i lost what i had so i cant cry for those things which i never had but you have his baby , his little one inside you so try to have food and liquids , its going to be very tough journey and i m sorry to say this but be prepare life gonna be so hard , you will learn to manage thing like i m doing from past 11 months.

Lots of love for your baby from me and my goli.

[KayC]

Yes, do try to eat and drink healthy, smoothies are a good way to get that down. I know it's hard to even think straight right now.  

It's okay to feel anger, it's part of the grief, of course you feel it!  Life is unfair, we can only do our best with it.

[Kal1120]

Our baby was born over the weekend. She was a tiny bit early (according to the dates) but she is perfect and healthy. She didn’t need nicu time or anything scary like that which was good. I’m happy that my practically constant state of despair didn’t “hurt” her. I was concerned about that. His best friend, who I guess has truly become MY best friend now, was with me. I know a lot of people didn’t agree with that decision but having him there felt right to me. We’re both navigating different paths of grief, but we both seem to really understand what the other is going through. My husbands parents only saw the baby once, and haven’t called or anything. They say “it’s too hard”. I try hard to be understanding but it’s too hard for THEM? I just had a baby without my husband. My husband is never going to meet our daughter. I’m the one all of this stufff should be “too hard” for but I’m dealing with it. I have to. I need to do it for me. I need to do it for her. I need to do it for us. 

[LeannC45]

2 hours ago, Kal1120 said:

Our baby was born over the weekend. She was a tiny bit early (according to the dates) but she is perfect and healthy. She didn’t need nicu time or anything scary like that which was good. I’m happy that my practically constant state of despair didn’t “hurt” her. I was concerned about that. His best friend, who I guess has truly become MY best friend now, was with me. I know a lot of people didn’t agree with that decision but having him there felt right to me. We’re both navigating different paths of grief, but we both seem to really understand what the other is going through. My husbands parents only saw the baby once, and haven’t called or anything. They say “it’s too hard”. I try hard to be understanding but it’s too hard for THEM? I just had a baby without my husband. My husband is never going to meet our daughter. I’m the one all of this **** should be “too hard” for but I’m dealing with it. I have to. I need to do it for me. I need to do it for her. I need to do it for us. 

I just want to say congratulations on the birth of your baby. I am so sorry that your husbands relatives have not been there for you. I am glad you have the support of your husband's best friend. I do not think it's weird that he is there for you. My husband's best friend calls me once a week or every other week to check up on me and let me know if I need anything he is there. I think it is a way for them to feel close to their best friend they lost. I really don't read too much into it but I know that others would because that is what people do. Unless you have been through this you just don't get the despair you feel and for you it is on a whole other level that I will not know. I really wish you the very best with your new little girl. 

[KayC]

Congratulations on your baby girl!  I think you need to do what is right for you and there's nothing wrong with your husband's friend being there if it helped you, that's all that counts, not what anyone else thinks, anyone else isn't in this position!

I'm sorry your in-laws didn't feel they could handle it, I know everyone grieves differently and some aren't as strong as others but you'd think they'd push through and make the effort anyone, it's their grandchild!  I hope in time they find the inner strength to be in her life, she needs all the love she can get!  I agree with your feelings, no one asked us if we wanted to lose our husbands, we just have to deal with it, and all the harder when you're having his baby.  You are taking good care of your baby and I'm sure your husband is proud of you.  Oh that we could hear from them especially at such a time as this!

[Claurb]

Congratulations on your baby! It is exciting! A baby means a new beginning and that's incentive to live a healthy life. Don't worry about what other people thing and do. You have been through terrible situations and you are a survivor. You Have to believe in your own abilities, hold yourself accountable and ask for help when needed. Your baby will give you the extra strength you need. I am sorry your husband's relatives are behaving this way. It's their loss. Unfortunately in moments like this you know who your true friends are. Blood, no blood ... it does not matter. True friends will be and already are there. Walk with no fear, you can do it. Hold a hand or imaginary hand if needed. It will be ok. 

 

(Husband died oct 4, 2017. We have a 14 years old boy. He is everything and he keeps me going. He acts like his father and he makes me smile. I miss him every day, but I wake up every day, go work, manage household, learn to cook... finally able to sleep during the night. Still afraid but I hold hands when needed. Learned to asked for help, and take the help when offered. After his death I received a card, no name on it ... it just said: " our end is my beginning". )

you are not alone!!!!!!!! 

[KayC]

@Claurb That's beautiful!  And good advice too.  I'm glad you have your son.

[Kal1120]

Thank you all. ❤️ 

I’m managing as best I can. It’s not easy though. Maybe someday it won’t hurt so much. It kills my soul that he isn’t here for this. 

[natashasinha]

if its possible for you to meditate with someone who knows how to and can teach you how to-then please please do that. Its difficult to do when focus is not there and a sort of haze and brain fog exist. But its very helpful especially as you are pregant.

I am so so sorry for your loss. My deepest prayers and hugs to you.

 

Natasha

 

[Sunflower2]

On ‎7‎/‎25‎/‎2018 at 1:30 PM, Kal1120 said:

Our baby was born over the weekend.

bittersweet but beautiful Kal1120!  Such a precious gift and she has her angel definitely in place ...her loving dad! Your loving husband!