3 months and it's finally setting in

[mayjunejuly]

Hi all-

My name is Julia, I'm a 26 year old recent college graduate (December), and I lost my mom to Metastatic BC 3 months ago. 

I think I was in shock. I think I was numb. I mean, I was sad. I've been crying. But it wasn't the way I thought it was going to be. I thought that I would have a giant rush of devastation- that I wouldn't be able to eat or sleep and cry all the time and not be able to stop thinking about memories or the future or whatever. I thought I was going to seriously lose myself, and then eventually the pain would lighten up a little. Not completely, and not forever, but I thought that the concentration of the pain would start at the beginning.

It hasn't. As time has gone on, it's all starting to seep in. The disbelief and also realization that my mom, the person who meant the most to me in the world, my ultimate relationship, is gone. Everything about her. Even writing it, I can't believe it. No words can express it adequately. It's only getting worse as time goes on and things get more real. I'm only getting more confused- more uncertain- less stable- less connected to my relationships- priorities are shifting more and more- the lighthearted, fun life that I was living before only seems more and more stupid and pointless- I'm falling apart, when I thought that I might be slowly starting to put myself together at this point.

I guess, I don't know, I just want to know if this is normal. Is it normal that things get harder as time goes on? I thought maybe I would be able to surpass a lot of the stuff that comes with your entire life getting turned upside down in your mid-twenties. But now I'm realizing that I'm not immune to it, and the process is only just beginning. What/how were the 3-6-12 months into the grief for you? I read things all the time that are so vague. I just want to know what people's lives were actually like. I am lucky to have circumstances where I have the choice to not go to work, so maybe that's aiding in that, but I can barely make myself go there. I can barely do anything responsible. I can't get myself to look for jobs or put together a resume. I can't even imagine trying to get a career right now or doing any of the things that people do when they graduate college. 

I don't know. Just hoping for some reflection, or maybe some stories of what it was like for you.

 

[reader]

Dear Julia,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm very sorry for your loss. Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. Everyone processes loss and grief so differently.

I hear you. It does feel surreal and very hard to come to terms with our new reality. I'm someone that struggles with change so the passing of my beloved parent is very hard to accept.

If you want to, maybe consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group in the community.

After my father passed, I cried more than I did in my whole life. But yet, I don't know how I managed to still get up every day and take care of all the administrative stuff. I think I was just on auto pilot. I went back to work after two weeks. I cried before work and after work. I went online looking for different support groups. I wrote a lot to get my pain out.

Three months out I was still questioning all the things I did or didn't do that I could have saved my dad

Six months out I was still so sad. But I tried to keep going. I went to work, tried counselling, taking new classes.

And by the one year mark, I had better control over my emotions. I stopped going to the cemetery every week. I could think a little more clearly.

Please know you are not alone. Grief does take a toll. But slowly we are all going to find a way to get through this moment in our lives.

Thinking of you.

[Michelle1971]

Hello Julia, my condolences -- losing a parent is devastating. 

Your post really resonated with me. I've been wondering the same. I lost my father to lung cancer 4 months ago. I thought by now the waters would have settled at least a little, but no, I feel worse than ever. There are days I barely function. Like today, I woke up crying and I haven't stopped. Even though I got to say goodbye to my dad, I still cannot accept that I'll never see him again. I miss him so much, I feel completely raw on the inside. And lonely. I'm sitting here at home, in a state of near panic and I don't know whom to call. I have a boyfriend, but what is he going to say? I can't call my mum, because I do not want her to worry about me and she's going through her own grief. My best friend has no clue and doesn't know what to say and then starts talking about mundane things I really do not care about at the moment. On the outside I look fairly normal, but on the inside I'm screaming and falling apart. 

I don't know if the way you and I are feeling is 'normal'. I think it is. There's no manual for grieving that tells you that after x months you feel this way and after y months you feel like that. Just know that you're not the only one. I'm feeling exactly the same. ((hugs))

[sadandlost]

Dear Julia,

I am sorry for the loss of your mother.  Its so hard I know.  I too like you expected certain things to happen, certain emotions but it just doesn't go like that.  Loss is like a war.  The first 3 months I was just trying to cope with the shock and process what happened.  6 months I thought I turned a corner.  That lasted about a week!  By 8 months I knew I was deeply depressed and things weren't getting better and I needed proper help.  I was in a black hole of depression suffering from panic and anxiety.  The help in the form of a therapist wasn't great but at least i could talk to someone.  Eventually I went it alone.  Now 15 months on I am doing much better.  I am not depressed.  I am sad.  I'm lonely without her.  I miss my mother every single day but I'm moving forward.  What you are going through is normal.  The first year is terrible.  The 2nd year different.  Less dramatic, still painful.  I believe the loss never goes away but I think over time we adjust to it.  Sadly we have to find out who we are without our mothers.  I know you feel lost, I did too and still do but in a different way now.  Be patient with yourself, its a long road the grief road.  

[Neer]

Dear all I lost my Beautiful and Lovely Mom on 24th Deç 2017 and i feel that it was my fault and had I shown her before hand to Doctors or admitted her in good Hospital she must be saved ....I am depressed and down with GERD and many physical ailments . I was always so happy with my Mom ....now there is almost no reason to live ....I love and want my Dear Mummy ji back . 

 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

On 5/23/2018 at 12:45 PM, Michelle1971 said:

Hello Julia, my condolences -- losing a parent is devastating. 

Your post really resonated with me. I've been wondering the same. I lost my father to lung cancer 4 months ago. I thought by now the waters would have settled at least a little, but no, I feel worse than ever. There are days I barely function. Like today, I woke up crying and I haven't stopped. Even though I got to say goodbye to my dad, I still cannot accept that I'll never see him again. I miss him so much, I feel completely raw on the inside. And lonely. I'm sitting here at home, in a state of near panic and I don't know whom to call. I have a boyfriend, but what is he going to say? I can't call my mum, because I do not want her to worry about me and she's going through her own grief. My best friend has no clue and doesn't know what to say and then starts talking about mundane things I really do not care about at the moment. On the outside I look fairly normal, but on the inside I'm screaming and falling apart. 

I don't know if the way you and I are feeling is 'normal'. I think it is. There's no manual for grieving that tells you that after x months you feel this way and after y months you feel like that. Just know that you're not the only one. I'm feeling exactly the same. ((hugs))

My heart feels for EVERYONE in this thread. I’m replying under yours because this really resonates with me too. Michelle1971, you have expressed so much of what I personally feel. About my parents and the loss of my brother in November. The loneliness, crying, panic, not wanting your mom to worry about you, friends or others talking about mundane things while your mind and body are doing their best to cope with the loss. Sometimes people talking at me about their everyday stuff makes my head spin and feel like it’s going to pop off! Right now, I am surviving on adrenaline at the moment because I’m in panic mode with my moms condition and can’t talk to anyone around me about my feelings with that and the ones regarding my brother who died the day before my birthday at the end of November. It’s a waking nightmare and everyday I try to restart again and gain some footing. Knowing I have many miles to go before there’s even a smidge of normalcy. But I hate even using that adjective because nothing will be normal or the same ever again. They were part of us, still are part of us. Just not physically here which is so painful. I’m trying to process everything and accept that I will never understand what happened in November and that it has to eventually has to be ok to not understand and have answers (his death was accidental and the police are still investigating). Otherwise...if I don’t come into acceptance, I won’t have a life and that’s what my brother and mother would want. Me to thrive and not hurt this much. It’s not possible right now though because I have to feel it for it to change and eventually not have it dominate and circle over and over in my thoughts. I think we’re all in the right place with our grieving considering our individual situations and that they are heartbreaking. There’s no jumping forward, only feeling it and releasing in writing or talking. Love to all of you. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

On 5/20/2018 at 2:51 PM, mayjunejuly said:

Hi all-

My name is Julia, I'm a 26 year old recent college graduate (December), and I lost my mom to Metastatic BC 3 months ago. 

I think I was in shock. I think I was numb. I mean, I was sad. I've been crying. But it wasn't the way I thought it was going to be. I thought that I would have a giant rush of devastation- that I wouldn't be able to eat or sleep and cry all the time and not be able to stop thinking about memories or the future or whatever. I thought I was going to seriously lose myself, and then eventually the pain would lighten up a little. Not completely, and not forever, but I thought that the concentration of the pain would start at the beginning.

It hasn't. As time has gone on, it's all starting to seep in. The disbelief and also realization that my mom, the person who meant the most to me in the world, my ultimate relationship, is gone. Everything about her. Even writing it, I can't believe it. No words can express it adequately. It's only getting worse as time goes on and things get more real. I'm only getting more confused- more uncertain- less stable- less connected to my relationships- priorities are shifting more and more- the lighthearted, fun life that I was living before only seems more and more stupid and pointless- I'm falling apart, when I thought that I might be slowly starting to put myself together at this point.

I guess, I don't know, I just want to know if this is normal. Is it normal that things get harder as time goes on? I thought maybe I would be able to surpass a lot of the stuff that comes with your entire life getting turned upside down in your mid-twenties. But now I'm realizing that I'm not immune to it, and the process is only just beginning. What/how were the 3-6-12 months into the grief for you? I read things all the time that are so vague. I just want to know what people's lives were actually like. I am lucky to have circumstances where I have the choice to not go to work, so maybe that's aiding in that, but I can barely make myself go there. I can barely do anything responsible. I can't get myself to look for jobs or put together a resume. I can't even imagine trying to get a career right now or doing any of the things that people do when they graduate college. 

I don't know. Just hoping for some reflection, or maybe some stories of what it was like for you.

 

Deaf Julia,

yes, yes, yes...what you are feeling makes complete sense to me and I have gone through it with my first loss of a brother 12yrs ago and am currently going through it with the passing of my other brother in late November 2017 and I also have anticipatory grief regarding my mother who is in critical condition. I write those so that I can tell you how it has went for me. Others are right when they say there is no timeline. It’s definitely individual. However, with both deaths, I had delayed grief where with the first brother, I held it together for months, then acted out and tried to numb myself, but would burst out in tears, hurt my relationships, isolate and then I eventually sought out a grief and CBT counselor when things got to a point where I could no longer function. I don’t recommend waiting that long to get help. I wish I had someone guide me to say it’s ok to need help and that I should high tail my butt to a professional. Once I did, that is when things started to change for me and got manageable. I started going to therapy once a week and group meetings. I didn’t like it at first and with depression I had to really work at getting myself to these appointments. But I did it and continued to go even when I started to feel better. Thank god that I did, because it taught me coping skills and I gained relief. Things aren’t all roses, but it’s now helping me again with my current grieving.  I still have trauma because my most recent loss was completely different than the first. But although I’m devastated, I know I’ll survive as long as I reach out and get help. It’s affirmed to me that I can feel everything you’ve described and that it’s normal and ok. I can do writing to get it out, but it’s also great to be able to soeak one on one to an unbiased individual. I hope for you that you can use a resource with a professional, this website, group meetings near you, writing and positive affirmations (as many times as you have to repeat them). I listen to a lot of Louise Hay when I wake up. Night and morning are the worst for me and so I type grieving affirmations into youtube with her name, or just “grief and healing” and hit play before I even get out of bed. It takes at least six months to even begin to process a huge loss and then more time to see change in your feelings (everyone’s grief really is individual)  and you’ll always have moments where some days are so hard, others ok, and then bit by bit you’ll see things in a different way and coping will transform. But I do feel it’s important for your recovery and not worsening depression (if you have it) to seek out a trained professional soon and get that comfort and guidance to help you navigate this heartbreak. Sending so much love to you for your heartache. I care. 

[Mynameisjane]

Hey Julia, I really connected with your post. I'm 28 and lost my father six months ago to cancer. I felt and am feeling exactly how you feel. Like you, I'm also not working but I'm a stay at home mom to my 3 year old. You asked how it is at 6 months so I figured since I'm 8 days away from the 6 month mark and experienced the exact same emotions as you that I would reply. Up until yesterday none of it really felt real. I would push aside my emotions for my son and I would do my best not to think about my dad but when I did think about him it would hit me hard. Often memories from his final week and of the last two years of his life when he was the sickest. Yesterday was the first day I looked at the background of my phone, which is a picture of him and my son, and I didn't feel surprised that he was gone. After that i started thinking of a different kinds of memories. I thought of his laugh and the sound of his voice when he'd say "I love you sweetie". I thought about how it felt when he'd hug me and I swear whenever I think about that I can feel his arms around me. They are much better memories but hurt in a different kind of way. Instead of crying over what's never going to happen again and what we'll never get to do together, now it's crying over missing those days we spent together and the all the love that we shared. The thing is though, is that grief is like I revolving door. When you think you're finally past a stage, you circle back around to it. I'm not sure if we'll ever get better at the pain, I think we'll just learn how to live with it. From my experience, all you can do is embrace the good days, no matter how few and far between they may be, try to take advantage of them. And on the bad days all you can do is just try to get through them and hope the next day is better. If you ever need to talk I'm here. I hope you find your new way to live. 

[Michelle1971]

"The thing is though, is that grief is like I revolving door. When you think you're finally past a stage, you circle back around to it."

This is so true. I can have a few pretty decent days (I can't use the word 'good' yet) and then all of a sudden it stops being decent and I feel all the pain and all the panic again. I can imagine the pain of losing someone subsiding. I really can. When I go to my mum's I no longer expect my dad to be there. At times I can even be okay with how things went in the end (very quickly - within 5 days of diagnosis he was gone). But the missing, it really just tears you apart. And the worst is that I cannot see how this will ever get any better. 

 

[Mynameisjane]

I spoke to my best friend today who lost her father when she was 17. We've been friends since we were 5 so we've been through all our losses together. I haven't had a chance to really talk to her about losing my dad because she was living in another country up until recently. Anyway we talked today and I told her that I always wanted to have a second child but now I'm not sure because the thought of having a kid that never got to meet my father breaks my heart. He was the best grampy. And she said something that I can't stop thinking about and it makes sense for not just having a kid but for living your life after you lose someone. She told me that any child I have now will know him because he's apart of me. Not like in my heart kind of thing but because I am who I am because of him and my child will have a piece of him because of that. It completely changed my way of thinking. Of course that's today, tomorrow I may have trouble getting out of bed. But today, I feel inspired. Half of me is my father and I want to live life for him. I'll miss him every second of everyday but I won't let my life become stagnant because he deserves better than that. Nothing will take the pain of missing someone away, I know that in my heart. But don't stay in bed with your pain, take it out and live the life your loved one can no longer live. I hope what my friend said helps someone the way it helped me. You may interpret it a different way then I did but really think about it.