10 Months

[LostLove]

I lost the love of my life 10 months ago. He was in a car accident in which another car hit a median, spun out of control and pushed Shawn in front of a semi. I was out of town and I keep thinking if I had been here maybe it wouldn't have happened.  Acquaintances have already suggested that I start dating again. I feel like screaming at them. How could I ever want anyone else when I have already had the best? Shawn was my one true love and we were  perfectly imperfect together. I still have trouble sleeping and can't imagine living my life without him. I guess I don't have to imagine. Although I don't really feel like I am living, just surviving(barely) until it is the day I get to be with Shawn again.

[Sunflower2]

You are in a survival mode and one day you will thrive again in a new normal.  Allow yourself your time.  This is your journey. You do what is best for you!  Not what our culture and our friends/family think we should be doing.  they mean well.  they simply want to fix something they can't fix,  Only you can navigate how you move through the pain and the loss.   keep your heart ears and eyes open to receive.  your love one IS with you.  we all understand!  they are with us in a different way.  Of course its not the way we want them to be with us.  Follow the thoughts, feelings and postings others have shared on this forum.  Never be afraid to reach out.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, LostLove said:

I lost the love of my life 10 months ago. He was in a car accident in which another car hit a median, spun out of control and pushed Shawn in front of a semi. I was out of town and I keep thinking if I had been here maybe it wouldn't have happened.  Acquaintances have already suggested that I start dating again. I feel like screaming at them. How could I ever want anyone else when I have already had the best? Shawn was my one true love and we were  perfectly imperfect together. I still have trouble sleeping and can't imagine living my life without him. I guess I don't have to imagine. Although I don't really feel like I am living, just surviving(barely) until it is the day I get to be with Shawn again.

I am so sorry for your loss.  It sounds like you two had what George and I did.  Grr to anyone that suggests dating!  Not appropriate for others to bring up.  Please tell them if/when you're interested, YOU will be the first to let them know.  They can read the silence that follows as not interested in dating!

It sounds like you are young...they don't usually make suggestions like that to elderly folks.

I like what Sunflower had to say to you.  I want to share what I have learned over the last 12 years...hoping even one thing helps.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Jackiag862]

10 hours ago, LostLove said:

I lost the love of my life 10 months ago. He was in a car accident in which another car hit a median, spun out of control and pushed Shawn in front of a semi. I was out of town and I keep thinking if I had been here maybe it wouldn't have happened.  Acquaintances have already suggested that I start dating again. I feel like screaming at them. How could I ever want anyone else when I have already had the best? Shawn was my one true love and we were  perfectly imperfect together. I still have trouble sleeping and can't imagine living my life without him. I guess I don't have to imagine. Although I don't really feel like I am living, just surviving(barely) until it is the day I get to be with Shawn again.

This is exactky how my boyfriend and I were. It hurts so bad I can’t take the pain. He is the love of my life. It only happened two weeks ago and I go back and forth from being in shock and denial to having complete breakdowns. I miss him so much. I’m so so sorry for your loss and all of ours. It’s not fair. I pray for all of us ❤️

[LostLove]

Thank you all for the encouraging words and advice.  It helps to hear from people who have also been through this pain.

[ModHerc]

LostLove,

I am so sorry for your loss.  He was taken from you far too soon and it is horribly unfair.  That feeling of surviving but not living really resonates with me.  I am doing things in my life that move me forward, a change in my career and a new house.  In many ways they feel empty though, because my wife isn’t here for me to share them with.

As for the people encouraging you to start dating again, they simply don’t understand.  I envy them and pity them at the same time.  They are innocent enough to believe that you could replace your love with a surrogate, but the only way they could think something like that is because they have never had the joy of loving as deeply as you have.

You may eventually feel like dating again.  I haven’t and doubt I ever will, but I do know a widow who has remarried.  She didn’t find a replacement for what she had lost, she found someone who loves and supports her through everything, including the pain of her loss.  It is a beautiful thing for her, but it isn’t for everyone.

If you ever do feel like dating again, it will be a decision you come to, not someone else’s idea.  Their ignorance, while annoying, is absurd to those of us that have unfortunately had to muddle our way through these horrible circumstances.  Hoping you find some comfort among those who understand,

Herc

[Azipod]

21 hours ago, LostLove said:

I lost the love of my life 10 months ago. He was in a car accident in which another car hit a median, spun out of control and pushed Shawn in front of a semi. I was out of town and I keep thinking if I had been here maybe it wouldn't have happened.  Acquaintances have already suggested that I start dating again. I feel like screaming at them. How could I ever want anyone else when I have already had the best? Shawn was my one true love and we were  perfectly imperfect together. I still have trouble sleeping and can't imagine living my life without him. I guess I don't have to imagine. Although I don't really feel like I am living, just surviving(barely) until it is the day I get to be with Shawn again.

I'm sorry to hear about your acquaintances' suggestions.   The sad part about losing a partner is that, depending on your age, there is a likelihood that NO ONE out in your social circle understands what you are going through........  and that's true for me.   People will say the darnest things.      When I lost my wife, one of my neighbors next door told me that "you're young, you'll find someone else" and then another neighbor across the street said the same thing.   They were both older men.   And this was conveyed to me even BEFORE my wife's funeral.   Now, I know they meant well but it's just like what I'm saying.... people just don't understand --- that is unless you're talking to another person who have been widowed.

When I got to my 6-month mark, I signed up for an online dating site just to do it.    But I can tell you that when you're not ready, you're not ready.  And now I'm close to 1-year, i am still not ready.   I can find certain woman attractive, but that's about it.   I wouldn't even think about going out on a date.  It just feels too unnatural for me.    The sad truth is that I miss my wife so much, that no other woman actually even comes close.  I look at these profiles, and I would categorily reject them for one thing or another.  No one is good enough.

I feel like a baby.  I'm crying and I'm crying.  Different people try to pick me up and hold me.  but nooooo... I'm just going to keep crying unless it's my mommy.    That's how I feel about dating.  I don't want anyone else..... only my wife.

We commonly hear others say that it's so terrible to lose someone you love.   Yes, that's true.  However, I also think it's equally if not more terrible to lose someone who loves you!

[Sunflower2]

@Azipod  it is that unconditional love.  to have experienced it is a gift!

[Autocharge]

On 5/20/2018 at 2:15 AM, LostLove said:

How could I ever want anyone else when I have already had the best?

Hi LostLove

Take a look at my post "Autocharge my experience ". Back at the start of the post I was at the 10 month mark. It took some time but I eventually decided to fight the "Loneliness". Most of us fell the way you do. It's natural when the love of your life gets ripped away from you. I will be at the Two year mark on the 25th of this month. I will never be the person I was before her death. I'm in place now that most of the public never thinks about. Soon my job will take me oversees again. My coworkers often ask me if I'm married or have family. For where I'm going families don't get to go. I tell them that my kids are grown and I lost my wife now 2 years ago. They expect an answer of Im divorced or never married . Some of them say "I'm sorry" but all of them have a shocked look on their faces. Then I say "that makes me the man for the job". Point is "Life goes on" not always in the direction we want. I did start dating and found a good woman. If they don't hurry this job thing up I could change my mind and retire again. LOVE makes you do strange things sometimes. 

My post is long but I hope there is something in it for you.

Stay strong

 

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")