I'm not ok!

[Kazza]

It's been 14 months and still feels like yesterday!  Just want to see him again. Life is so empty now.  Don't want to be without him anymore.  Can't face getting out of bed this morning.

[ModHerc]

Kazza,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I have those moments too.  It seems that so much of my life is empty now.  The things I used to enjoy are reminders of what I have lost, and anything new is an experience I don’t get to share with her.  In the worst of times I just have to remind myself to take it slowly.  One moment at a time, one thought at a time.  I lay in bed often, trying to force myself back to sleep, dreading being awake without her.  I understand.  We will adapt, slowly, but we will get there.  People here will empathize with you.  Share whatever you need to.  Wishing you whatever peace and comfort you can find,

Herc

[Kazza]

Thanks for your words of support. Sorry for your loss too.  We were together for nearly 40 years. It's really hard to contemplate a life without him.  The last week has been very difficult and I've let myself wallow in my grief.  Just didn't have the energy to fight it today.  I went to sleep last night begging him to come to me in my dreams, I need him so.  Didn't happen!  Do you dream of your loved one?

[Sunflower2]

these moments do return.  I call them the grief waves and as painful as they are we have to walk through them.  I feel my loved one.  His energy.  I have to believe he is with me in this new normal or I would not survive.  Th grief waves we can't predict so we let them visit.  none of us want to be here in that pain.  everyone of us want our loved one with us so deeply as we knew it to be.  Its like moving away from a familiar shore. we keep looking back to hang on to that shore as the boat slowly drifts forward to a new shore.  A shore we really don't want any part of!!!  That's been my visual this weekend to best describe this loss.  Realizing I'm simply not ready.  It is too painful. Drifting and sustaining is not the place I want to be but its where I am.  I'm at least somewhat afloat.  Take the moments you need to curl up.  Be still be with the pain.  It does pass but know it will re-visit.  Give yourself permission to care for YOU however you need to care for you. We understand.  We are on the same painful journey.  "Behind every shadow there is a light."

[KayC]

Kazza,

I'm sorry for your loss.  It's been nearly 13 years for me.  I didn't dream of him for the first year, I couldn't understand it, we were together all the time, we were everything to each other!  Finally I dreamed of him, once in a while I do, but not all the time. He's in my thoughts all the time and I miss him with all my heart.  

[Sunflower2]

Just now, KayC said:

He's in my thoughts all the time and I miss him with all my heart.  

yes this  will be forever!

[ModHerc]

14 hours ago, Kazza said:

Do you dream of your loved one?

The simple answer to that is yes, but there are almost never simple answers that truly address the question.  I have had dreams of her that were warming to my heart.  I have had dreams of her that were incredibly disturbing.  I have had dreams of her that have altered my beliefs, and also reinforced them.  Dreams are a very complicated issue.

I have begged her to give me a sign, and then wondered if she did, but I simply missed it.  In the end, it comes down to simply believing.  I believe that she loved me truly, and will for all eternity.  I know that I love her now and always will.  I have some views that are different from many other people, but love is something that steps outside of many boundaries.

I think from what I have read of your story that you love him very deeply.  I think he loves you as well.  Love is something beyond the ordinary. It has a way of slipping past time.  For me I begged for her to visit me because I needed to hear her say she loved me one more time.

Hearing her say those three little words was all I wished for in the world.  Even now, I would give anything I had to hear her say them one more time.  I have a voicemail where she says it, and though it isn’t the same, I have played it over and again because I needed it so badly.

Every morning when I wake up now, I say to her “I love you, and I know you love me”.  I say it for her because she can’t.  But I know she would want to if she could, because I need it so badly, but mostly because it is a simple truth.  Your loved one would give you what you needed if it were within his power.  He loves you, and always will, so help him by finding a way to express to yourself what you know he would tell you if he could.  He loves you beyond time, and always has.

As for the wallowing in grief, I get that completely.  I do so when I need to as well.  Sunflower said it perfectly in another thread when she said “It’s ok to not be ok”.  Hoping you find the solace he would want you to find,

Herc

[Azipod]

On 5/19/2018 at 6:59 PM, Kazza said:

It's been 14 months and still feels like yesterday!  Just want to see him again. Life is so empty now.  Don't want to be without him anymore.  Can't face getting out of bed this morning.

I know how you feel.  I am getting close to the 1-year mark.    There is no joy in life anymore.   Yes, I can laugh at a joke.  But at the end of the day, my heart is still shattered in a million pieces and the love of my life is still not here.    I know I'll never see her again... at least not in this lifetime.     All we can do is wait until it's our time to go.   For me, the sooner the better.

[Jackiag862]

@Azipod I’m so sorry. It breaks my heart reading that. I feel the same way. I just want to be with him, that’s it. Everything else is bullshit. But it still hurts reading someone else that feels that much pain. I wish I could help us all. 

[KayC]

Azipod, I'm sorry to hear you feeling this way but it's not surprising either, it's harder than hard to get through this, and it's such a long process...I hope you reach the place where you find some joy or meaning in life because it kind of sucks to feel so devoid of anything, but I sure understand it.  I think to some degree we all feel this the rest of our lives, but hopefully find some spots of light here and there along the way...never the same as it was before, but something anyway.

[Mystic]

I lost my husband on January 7, 2018. The worst day of my life. He was a lover of classic cars and always had 2 in the garage. Yesterday I sold the 1968 GTO and another piece of my heart. So many memories.  Every day is unbearable for me.  I beg him to come back for me but I'm still here.  It's Memorial Day today and I'm alone.  Can't face people having a good time with their families. My husband and I would always be at a car show with our friends. Just want the day to be over.

 

[KayC]

@Mystic  I'm so sorry, and I can imagine how hard it was to sell his car.  My George loved classic cars and always wanted a Cuda, I'd planned on surprising him with one to fix up when he retired...only he never made it to retirement, he died when he barely turned 51.  We also loved going to car shows, he used to work on them.

 

[Djh0901kc]

I’m so heartbroken but also comforted to see this. My wife will be gone for a year in a few weeks and I’ve been struggling and feeling like something is wrong with me that I’m still having such a hard time. Most people truly just don’t understand. There is something about reading other people having the same feelings that helps in some way. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m thinking about you.

[Mystic]

I lost my husband on January 7, 2018. The worst day of my life. He was a lover of classic cars and always had 2 in the garage. Yesterday I sold the 1968 GTO and another piece of my heart. So many memories.  Every day is unbearable for me.  I beg him to come back for me but I'm still here.  It's Memorial Day today and I'm alone.  Can't face people having a good time with their families. My husband and I would always be at a car show with our friends. Just want the day to be over.

 

[Mystic]

I corrected the date my husband passed.  It was this year.  I have no idea why I put 2017.  Probably cause I was a wreck yesterday.  Anyway, he was only 58 years old. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in April of 2017.  I find this forum does help.  It is good to know that you're not alone.  I often wonder if I'll ever feel joy again.  I doubt it.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Mystic said:

I often wonder if I'll ever feel joy again.  I doubt it.

Probably not in the way you felt joy before, I've learned not to compare because it sets us up for defeat, but instead to embrace what good there is, I'll take it no matter how small.  

[Mystic]

Thank you KayC for your positive words.  It's a struggle every day.  God how I miss my life with him.  Seems like all I do is cry.

[KayC]

It will be a while before the tears quit, it's quite a lot to adjust to, but someday the memories will make you smile instead of cry...I can't say when, it's different for all of us, it seems unthinkable, but it comes.  I have my Beloved's pictures up and I smile at the sight of him...I honestly can't remember when that changed but it was a long while.

[Sunflower2]

On ‎5‎/‎30‎/‎2018 at 9:40 AM, KayC said:

I often wonder if I'll ever feel joy again.  I doubt it. 

@Mystic I realized this morning this month takes me into 9 months of losing my partner of 35 years.  That awareness this morning brought me back into such sadness and pain. From my experience I can promise this.  It doesn't seem possible when the loss is so fresh but the grief gets lighter.  It isn't as excruciating on a continuous basis. There are some excruciating moments but only moments.  In time you will find yourself dwelling on the joys you experienced with your partner and the joys you will experience moving forward without your partner in the physical sense. There is joy to be held on all levels.  This I can promise. 

[KayC]

That quote was Mystic, not me.  We don't feel the same joy as when they were here, but we can experience what I call the little joys...maybe good is a better word.  It's up to us to ferret it out and embrace it, it helps to live in the present.  

[Sunflower2]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

That quote was Mystic, not me.  We don't feel the same joy as when they were here, but we can experience what I call the little joys...maybe good is a better word.  It's up to us to ferret it out and embrace it, it helps to live in the present.  

yes I was aware. thanks.  I'm not great at navigating this site hopefully she will catch it,