Boyfriend died suddenly

[AshleyRN04]

My boyfriend died in his sleep 3 weeks ago and my heart is shattered I had known him since high school but we reconnected in February I was not looking for a relationship being that my husband left several months before but he picked me up off the ground and showed me what true love was I don’t know what to do anymore I am mad and angry why would god put him in my life just to take him away 

[KayC]

5 hours ago, AshleyRN04 said:

why would god put him in my life

This is something only you can answer.  As for the taking away part, I don't view it as orchestrated that way, but rather that things just happen in our lives and to say it's unfortunate that it works out to be so short is a grave understatement.  I was with my kids' dad 23 years...23 years in a loveless marriage, alone.  We were just getting out of it when I met George.  We started as friends, I wasn't looking to be with anyone either, far from it!  But we clicked, oh my gosh we clicked!  We could relate to each other, our communication was amazing!  We were only married 3 years 8 months, I only knew him 6 1/2 years.  I've been without him twice that long now.  But he impacted my life more than any one person, and it is lasting me the rest of my life!  We believed in each other, had faith in each other, neither of us trying to control the other, we gave each other the gift of the best love there ever was.  When he held me it felt like the best place in the world to be!  I felt so safe, loved, protected.  And suddenly I was cut adrift, he was gone, just like that, in the blink of an eye...heart attack.  We hadn't even known he had heart trouble until that fateful weekend.

Learning to live without him is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  But he's not totally gone, I feel like he's with me in spirit.  When I went for job interviews, his belief in me came with me.  I've found myself at times not knowing how I was going to make it, like following surgery and going home alone to no help, yet he's not only inspired me but encouraged me.  And I know he's proud of me.  This is not easy, I kid you not, but neither is it the same as it was in the beginning either.

I don't know if you've ventured into the other threads but I posted this for someone else and I hope it'll be of help to you too.  Print it out and look at it every few months to see if anything stands out for you.  I wrote it based on the twelve year journey following the death of my beloved husband.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[ModHerc]

Ashley,

I am so sorry for your sudden loss.  The time you shared may have been short, but the depth of your love obviously goes beyond that.  Anger is a normal part of grief, there is nothing wrong about feeling it.  For me the waves of emotions have gradually lessened with time.  They still crop up now and then, but they have become more manageable.

Be kind to yourself and do what you can to take care of yourself.  Drink water, eat what you can, and sleep when you can.  Take one moment at a time.  The emotions can be overwhelming, but I find it is easier to get through the worst moments if I don’t think too much about the future.  This is a very supportive forum with many people who will understand what you are going through and empathize deeply.  I wish none of us had to be here, but I hope we can find some comfort through our shared experiences.  Wishing you all the peace you can manage to find,

Herc