An open letter to my boyfriend...6 months later

[Jenn4]

Dear Babe,

It’s nearing 6 months in a mere 3 days and I can’t believe that so much time has passed. If you asked me 6 months ago if I would be standing here still, I would have said no. I never really understood when people would say something broke their heart but I understand all too well. That night you took your last breath, I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. The last 6 months have been a series of some highs and so many many lows. 

For the last 6 months I have been trying to piece myself back together... to feel whole again.. which seems impossible.  Recently, I got angry at some friends and I wanted to talk to you so bad. You were always able to make me feel better when I was sad or angry or sad and angry. It’s a learning process.. to do things without you. Although I don’t cry everyday anymore, there is still not a day goes by when I don’t think of you. I wonder what you are doing now... are you in heaven? Is there a heaven? If so, have you told God that I am so broken without you that sometimes I can’t think straight? I grieve for you, I grieve for me, I grieve for the future we had ripped away from us. 

I wonder how the next 6 months will treat me. 

I try to look back to the first few days after you passed and try to think of what I could tell myself to feel better. The truth is... there is nothing. There is nothing anyone can do or say to make the pain go away. 6 months and I haven’t learned to deal with the pain... still the same pain.. the same hurt and devastation. 

If I close my eyes I feel like I could feel your presence with me.

I miss you everyday and I know that this isn’t goodbye because I will be with you again someday. One day we will be back together and my heart that broke into a million pieces will be whole again. I will love you every day until that day.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Dear Jenn4,

Beautifully expressed. Hugs for your heart and warm thoughts of you healing (going out from me to you). I am sorry for your loss. I believe we are always connected to the souls of our loved ones and that will meet them again in another life. It doesn’t fix the pain we feel still being here on earth, but it sometimes comforts me. I hope it may comfort you too. Please keep writing your feelings out. Here or in a journal. That is the way forward.

I love when I get to talk about my two brothers I’ve lost, but others don’t know how to ask or what to say and so it doesn’t happen often. Therefore, I go to my one brothers favorite beach and fishing spot and I sit there and I honor him and have time with him in that way. My other brother, I use a lot of his lingo and humor with others and it keeps me connected to him and the energy he had. But everyday I miss  them and the support and understanding we shared. 

Keep going forward with everyday things, writing and talking to him in your heart and I promise your grief will change. It never goes away. It just gets different and at 6months...you may now only be able to start processing what happened. Things should become less jumbled and a story in your mind will develope about how everything happened and why, it will start to bind in your mind and you’ll have your grief story. This helps us process, accept, grieve and when ready loosen the reigns to figure out  who you are now without him. That part is hard, confusing and you may just want to lay on your couch and do nothing, avoid it, but try and get up and keeping moving.You have to go though the darkness to get to the light.

To accept the loss, it puts that love and meaning into something tangible for you, like an activity you did together. Go wherever that is and sit. Have a conversation with his soul or energy.

I was told by my therapist that in my situation, it would take 6months, to come up, and peek out from underneath the grief I feel          and to be gentle on myself and not pressure the process. It gets better. I’m in it too.

Best,

Nicole

[KayC]

Jenn,

I could relate to what you wrote, beautifully written.  Especially the part about not a day goes by but what I don't miss him.  He's in my thoughts all the time, and it'll be 13 years next month.  I rarely cry anymore, I guess I've gotten used to my life now, I've cried enough tears to water the earth, I feel all kinds of things at the same time now.

[Sunflower2]

Jenn this is beautiful.

The pain is still deep.  everything is all so different as many have shared who walked before us.  At times I feel I'm beginning to accept the reality of him not being here with me on earth.  it gets excruciating so I'm not yet at the acceptance stage. Acceptance will happen slowly and when it is meant to happen.  I'm still working on getting through each day.  weekends remain the hardest.  it is so true when you wrote that no one can make the pain go away.  it is our journey alone through the pain.  we can do it and we all will do it!

[Jenn4]

Thank you guys.

This forum has truly saved my life. I didn’t know what to do in the beginning and the “I’m sorry” “ he was so young” and “how ru” were enough to make me pull my hair out.  6 months in and I am barely at the acceptance stage... more like a.. pretend ur ok but still cry alone stage. Every month around the time of when he passed I get super grouchy and get in a bad mood. At least it’s not everyday anymore... maybe later on I will just be in a “mood” every year. 

Its crazy to think how fast and slow time has passed by... especially when it sometimes feels like it was just yesterday. 

But seriously, thank you guys for always having kind words and knowing that it’s therapeutic to just write things down. When things start to feel a little overwhelming I like to read posts and comments and it makes me feel like I’m not alone. 

[Sunflower2]

you are not alone!  I've found when someone ask "how are you?" I respond "I'm doing my best but the journey is rough!"  How they receive it is their issue not mine. I do occasionally toss in "thank you for understanding."  whether they understand or not.  It gives me comfort!!!!

[KayC]

The "how are you" is hard to answer, but if it's not someone close I reckon they don't really want to know, it's a formality and they expect to hear "fine", a pleasantry, nothing more.  To those you're close to, I might tell them how you are.  If it's not the right time, might just say something like, "getting by".  If you have time to talk and think they care, you might get down to how it really is.  I found most people really didn't want to know.  Having a grief support group helps because you can speak of the things that are hard and know everyone relates.

And this place...it IS a lifesaver.  Here we can pour our hearts out and know we're understood.  And that means so much.

[Sunflower2]

1 minute ago, KayC said:

Having a grief support group helps because you can speak of the things that are hard and know everyone relates.

It was helpful for me at the time I was involved. sometimes simply attending and not sharing can be supportive.  

[Azipod]

Jenn4.  Your letter was beautifully written..... it brought tears to my eyes.    I know losing a partner and going through this grief is so miserable.    But reading your letter helps me understand that I'm not alone.   We are all together.... even though we are all on our own individual grief journey.   I'm so glad to be a part of this group.

[Jenn4]

We are definitely all in this together even though we are all on our own individual grief journey. 

This marathon of grief with each of us being at a different point in our journey. It truly makes me feel that the people on this forum are the only ones who can understand what I am going through. 

Just like what Sunflower2 and KayC said how sometimes people ask how u r doing but are really just wanting to hear “ I’m fine” But on this forum we can be truthful and say.. well.. today I am not fine and I hate life and everything and everyone in it. The best part of that being the people here are most likely to respond with, “that’s normal”

[ModHerc]

Jenn,

What a beautiful letter.  It is so unfair that the one person who would understand best isn’t here to help with our grief.  Those questions of “how are you doing” have slowed down, and indeed almost stopped for me, for which I am glad.

I got tired of answering them with polite nothings that wouldn’t bother the person who had asked and just started responding with “About how you would expect”.  I let them take that anyway they want.  Most people assumed it meant the same as “fine” and went on their way.

A select few actually picked up on it and pursued it a little deeper, usually people who had lost someone themselves.  It lets the burden of figuring out if they really want to know off my shoulders and puts it on theirs.  I have enough thoughts running through my head without trying to suss our if they are interested in my true state, and whether they are capable of hearing it without being disturbed.

It is nice to have a group of people who you know will all “get” it though.  There is nothing “normal” about our new normal, and it helps to have a whole community that understand.  Hoping you are feeling as normal as you can,

Herc

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Herc said:

It lets the burden of figuring out if they really want to know off my shoulders and puts it on theirs

True, a good answer, it takes care of the dilemma.  

nor·mal

ˈnôrməl/

adjective

1. 1.

   conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.

   "it's quite normal for puppies to bolt their food"

noun

1. 1.

   the usual, average, or typical state or condition.

   "her temperature was above normal"

    

   (left out the angles definition)

   Interesting how apt this fits with grief though.  I guess we think of normal as our life before so this doesn't feel normal.  But it is normal for grief.

[KavitaHubby]

Beautiful and painful truth.