Loss of a Partner

[Nely]

It's exactly a month today I lost my friend, lover, confidant, helper, husband. The shock is overwhelming...He only left for work thAt morning. Death is not something we saw coming, at least not now. I have been so devastated and still am. The Pain, the agony, the anguish ....my strength is failing me. There was no chance to say good bye. We had our whole lives ahead of us, we are married for only 2 years and 11 months and 14 days. I'm heartbroken. He is my friend, confidant,help,lover, husband....everything in 1. I feel guilt sometimes, thAt there was something I probably should have done which I failed. I'm losing it I need help. I wish he'd talk to me , even in dreams

[ModHerc]

Hello Nely,

I understand the shock you are going through.  A month is such a short period of time, and yet can feel like an unbearable eternity.  I am sorry that you had to find your way here, but know that there are people here who can empathize and understand.  My wife passed suddenly too, I left for a few hours to wrap Christmas gifts for her, and came back to a nightmare that irrevocably altered the rest of my life.  The first few months I felt as though a part of my body had been amputated, and couldn't see any way that my life would ever again return to anything resembling normal.  I am a year and half into this horrible experience, and often I still feel that way.  The best things I did for my self in the early days were to take one moment at a time.  To concentrate on my own self care, and caring for our grieving adult daughter.   Try to sleep when you can, eat as much as you can manage, drink lots of water, and in the moments when you feel unbearably overwhelmed, just take it one moment, and when needed, one breath at a time.  Guilt is a normal feeling our grief pushes on us.  I felt horrible guilt at first.  I have come to understand through time that it was not my fault.  I did nothing to deserve, cause, or in any way fail to prevent this horrible event, and I feel fairly certain in saying the same is true of you as well.  I don't know if anyone can truly help us, but know that there are, as I mentioned before, many who understand.  Wishing you all the peace and comfort you can find,

Herc

[Nely]

Dear Herc,

I thank you so much for your kind words. I am sorry about your loss. Since the sad incident, I always felt full such that eating was something I hardly considered. Water tastes like drug to me. My husband and I had plans, we were already planning for another child, we hAve one who turned 2 today.

It hurts so bad because my whole life, I never had a boyfriend or related intimately with anyone until I met him. He gave me reasons to love and marry him which I did. Since then, he became my all. Aside being at work, I can't let him out of my sight, that's how much I'm glued to him. Sometimes I feel that it isn't true, at other times the thought of not seeing him again makes me cry uncontrollably.

His family and some of my friends as well as my family want me to return to work and move on. Some seem impatient already and think I'm taking it to the extreme. But how can I move on just now? The relationship I have with my husband is deep so deep that the wound his transition has caused is also so deep that time cannot easily heal.

I have been browsing sites to see how I can help myself and that was how I got here.

Thank you for your time and advice, I'm grateful.

[ModHerc]

Nely,

One of the things I have found to be completely true throughout my grief journey is that no one can tell someone who is grieving *how* they should grieve.  Your feelings are not only completely real, but also absolutely justified.  No matter what any other person may tell you or how they may react to your feelings, you will progress through this at the pace you can manage, and the feelings you have are absolutely normal.

I think asking, or even thinking someone should “move on” is absurd at any time, let alone after a single month.  Someone on this site who I consider very wise told me early in my grief that she didn’t think of it as moving on, but finding a way to coexist with her grief.  I agree with that thought completely.  I have gotten to a stage in my grief that it doesn’t consume me, and only occasionally confronts me in a way that prevents me from acting as I normally would.  My grief is still very much there, is frequently at the front of my mind, and in many ways it defines me.  But it doesn’t control me, it is simply a part of me, and one that I actually welcome because it is an indicator of the love my wife and I shared.

If I “moved past” it, which I am not convinced is even possible, I almost feel that a part of our relationship would be lost.  I instead attempt to move forward with it.  I do my best not to let it hold me back, although, on occasion, I simply have to stop and deal with my emotions.  I think that is also a part of this process, and a healthy one.  I had to stop to deal with my grief an awful lot in the first six months, and some people may have looked at me a little oddly when I did.  I am of the opinion that the people who looked at me that way haven’t felt a loss as deeply as I did, and indeed still do.  I also hope they never have to feel that because all of us on this site know how difficult it is.

Getting down to the nuts and bolts of some of your issues, I would say you should return to work when you feel you can.  I don’t know your financial situation, but if you can meet your responsibilities without going to work, and you don’t think work would be helpful to you, then I don’t think you should be pressured into it.  Personally I returned to work fairly quickly.  I did so to some degree because I needed to earn the money, but also because it was a familiar routine that gave me something to do other than sit around and listen to myself go crazy without my wife in my life.  I found it helped me, but as I said before everyone grieves in their own way, so it may not be right for you.

In the shock of early grief it is easy to forget some of the basics of self care, so I do urge you to at least try to focus on them.  Water will hydrate you and help you be in a better physical condition to deal with things.  Food is needed to give you energy through this.  Sleep will give you time to recuperate.  Believe me I know how difficult even these simple things can be, and I had to force myself to do all of them. Try to focus on those for now.  Don’t think too much about the future, just deal with the right now.  The future will come when it does, and you can deal with that when it happens.  For the moment just take the best care of yourself that you can manage and get through one moment at a time.  Wishing you all the peace I can,

Herc

[Nely]

Dear Herc,

I appreciate every single advice you have given to me. Believe me, I derive some measure of strength reading your response. 

On the issue of work, I will have to return maybe next month so as to be able to earn to care for our son. I have been able to get more weeks off to help prepare myself. 

I have been blank the whole of today. Hard as I try sometimes to cry, the tears just won't come. I have not been able to eat a thing today because I just don't even know what to do. I have been going over our chats on whatsapp just to have a feel of him. 

Truth is, I don't know what else to do. I sometimes feel life is unfair to us to him. He struggled so hard, worked so hard and haven't even started enjoying the benefits. I honestly don't know what to do.

I'm certain I can't stay in the house we once shared and called home. I don't know if I have to get a place for my son and I to stay or move to my parent's house. I'll be 32 later in the year. These thought comes to mind because if I have less than a month to return to work then I need a base.

My husband's transition has indeed shattered me. I have no friend any more, no lover, no confidant. It's like starting from the scrAtch and it all seem so hard so hard.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  In reading about your relationship, it sounds like you had the same thing that we did, my George was everything to me, the one who truly got me, we always had faith in each other, our relationship was so perfect and it never occurred to me that he would die so soon.  We were married only 3 years 8 months.  We thought we had years left together.

Move on is a term I really despise because it sounds like we're moving on AWAY from them.  The truth is, this journey never really ends.  I prefer to say "continue" because we do have to continue our lives but I will never move on away from George.  It's been almost 13 years now.

I wrote this based one my 12 year journey of grief, what I have learned, I hope something in it is of help to you.  And I did go back to work a couple of weeks after he died, I even had to do payroll five days after he died, but everyone's situation is different, my job depended on me and they were also a great support to me.  My boss's wife even put up flyers around town!

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Nely]

Dear KayC,

Thank you for finding time to explain so much to me. You know, I have had my own big share of having to loose loved ones. In 2015, barely 2 months after my wedding, I lost my elder brother. I call him my hero because he took my case personally. Right from my college days to guiding me choose a career path, being a support in all ramifications to ensuring I chose the right partner. I was devastated by his death. I couldn't understand it. He had suffered so much and sacrificed for everyone that he never had time for himself. He was that selfless. It was not easy. I was still to come to terms with the sad incident when my mum followed in 2017. You see, it was a great twist in my life. I remember how much we prayed for my mum to heal as she was I'll. Everything kind of happened so fast because her health deteriorated very fast and then she passed. She always prayed for herself as much as we did as a family. That the prayers were not answered and she had to go affected my spiritual life greatly. I withdrew, no longer had the will to pray, went to church as a matter of routine. My Christian life suffered.

My husband was my strength all the while, my pillar, my strength. He encouraged me to trust God again. He was worried that we no longer prayed as a family, thAt our spiritual life was being affected. He was my strength and ensured he prayed all the time. 

When this incident happened, I blamed myself for it....if I had prayed as I used to, if I had not become lukewarm, if I was always on my knees for him, if I had prayed with him that morning before he left for work.... I can't seem to forgive myself. I feel responsible for his demise. I'm losing it. He's such a good man who does not deserve to go now. It's so haaaaaaard!

[ModHerc]

Nely,

Those guilt feelings are normal.  I recently commented on them in another post.  I know there is little I can say that will help you deal with them, but I also know that this is not your fault.  Forgiving myself came in time, and I still have those moments of doubt where the guilt surfaces again.  What I choose to accept and believe though is that I did not do anything to deserve this.  I did everything I could to prevent my wife's passing, and indeed would have done anything more that had been asked of me if there were any way to foresee or prevent it.  In the end this is simply the reality that I have to deal with, the one without her now.  In this reality, I know that I loved and still do love her every day since I met her, and that she felt the same for me and would tell me so if she could.

That love is the important part for me, and while I still struggle with the guilt, I will not let it tarnish that memory or those feelings.  I would bet that it is similar for you.  You are not to blame.  I know your head will twist itself up to make it seem that way at times, and indeed mine does as well, but it simply isn't true.  We are good people going through something incredibly difficult, and we don't need to heap self blame on top of the rest.  I hope you find your way through the guilt as quickly as possible, and that you do what you can to be kind to yourself in the process,

Herc

[Nely]

17 hours ago, Herc said:

 What I choose to accept and believe though is that I did not do anything to deserve this.  I did everything I could to prevent my wife's passing, and indeed would have done anything more that had been asked of me if there were any way to foresee or prevent it.  In the end this is simply the reality that I have to deal with, the one without her now.  In this reality, I know that I loved and still do love her every day since I met her, and that she felt the same for me and would tell me so if she she could.

 We are good people going through something incredibly difficult, and we don't need to heap self blame on top of the rest.  

Herc

Honestly, I'd do anything at all in this world to save my husband's life if given the chance. I cared about him about him so much and loved him greatly, after all he was my first so you can imagine the love.

We lived a simple life and all we tried to do was to build our lives like any normal couple. We didn't step on toes, at least our routine was simple_work ,church and home. We barely stayed even outside our house. We were always indoors anytime we were home , living our lives. We don't deserve this great tragedy, we hAve barely settled into the life of a couple.

Sometimes I feel anger, angry at his family, especially his dad. He would call him round the clock, yes he called him at least 3 times every day since we got married. This is on average. Saying "everyday" is not an exaggeration. Sometimes the calls can be like 5 to 6 times.He's call was the alarm that woke us up from sleep. He called him even at midnight and odd hours. Sometimes these calls got on his nerves. The main reason for the calls was demand. He got so much pressure from his dad. He was expected to do so much that he couldn't have been able to because he didn't have thE means to. It may interest you to know that he was on a phone call from his dad that morning at about 8:30 in the office when he slumped and died. That call was the 4th from his father that morning because they spoke past midnight, before 8am and afterwards. So you see the reason for my anger.

He's job wasn't paying much. I earn better than him and had to handle most bills. Yet his family never understood. Maybe I should have given part of my earnings to him to satisfy his family so they let him be. But was that really a possibility. Despite what I brought to the table, we still had to prioritize because we couldn't even meet all our needs

Sometimes he blames their disbelief on the fact that we had a great wedding. But what they failed to understand and accept is that our wedding was largely sponsored by well meaning persons sent to us by God.

We visited his family for Easter for the first time in his hometown after our wedding. He died exactly 14 days later.Waohh! It's difficult to bear.

My husband was such a lively person that desired to help humanity because according to him, it's help from people that made him who he is, in terms of being able to go through school and build a career in Law.

Waking up this morning to another feat of emotions makes it clear that I'm far from accepting the so called reality on ground. 

[KayC]

Oh Hon, this is not your fault!  Please let go of the guilt/blame, try your best to.  Put up your hand when the accusing thoughts come as if to stop them in their tracks.  It is not God's will that you feel guilt for something you could not control.  I don't see their death as necessarily God's will either...I know others view it differently, but I look at it like this:  In every life rain falls.  I guess you could liken this to a thunderous storm if that be the case.  The Bible says the rain falls on the just and the unjust.  That says a lot to me!  It means that we all go through stuff, whether we're good or bad, so it's not the goodness or the badness that causes it!  It can happen to ANYONE!  

Your husband sounds like a wonderful person.  No wonder you miss him so much!  We here are the ones with the great relationships, so great that we DO miss them, tremendously!  Is it any wonder we struggle to make our way through this!

I've been a person of faith since I was a teenager, my faith strong, carrying me through many hard places.  But I tell you, when my husband died, once I got out of the shock, my faith was shaken to the core!  Grief can do that to us.  It's not that I didn't believe in God anymore, but I felt if He had the power to stop my husband's death, why didn't He!  I felt angry at God.  A year or so later I realized that I may have questions that remain unanswered...there's some things I don't know the answers to, but I've accepted that and now realize God was there with me through everything, and He doesn't hold my railing at Him against me, He has broad shoulders and can take it.  He understood.  He's not there to judge the griever, but to be alongside them.  Even while our friends disappear by the drove!  He's there in the lonely hours of the night when we shed our tears.

I hope you will read this article.  Guilt is common in grief.  Please read what this has to say about it:
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

[ModHerc]

Nely,

Acceptance is a very hard thing to reach.  I consciously push myself toward it as much as possible.  That is why I said I *choose* to believe that I don’t deserve this.  At the same time my subconscious still throws me a curve every now and then.  Flashbacks to the moment I found her, doubts about how I am helping care for her daughter, wondering if I took care of the arrangements the way she would have wanted.

All these things and more haunt me, and probably always will.  I can’t change that, but what I can change is how I react to them, or at least what I think about them.  It took me a long time to get to the point where I could even understand that I had the ability to do that.  I felt absolutely helpless, the person I loved most in this world had been taken from me, and I was powerless to do anything about it.  That vulnerability and the seemingly random nature of it is something that my mind really had to work around.

I don’t think you did anything wrong.  I don’t think you are doing anything wrong now.  What you are feeling is normal, the anger, the guilt, and the depression.  I am so sorry this happened to him, to you and to your child.  It is not your fault, but I have to convince myself regularly that it is not my fault as well, so I understand.  I hope you get some relief from the pain today, and am sending you the biggest hug I can think of,

Herc

[Sunflower2]

simple routines even getting a glass of water every morning.  Journaling helped tremendously as part of a morning routine. I was taking 2-3 baths day.  another ritual I needed. with bubbles and essential oils.  I found talking to my partner in the morning helped. Keeping candles going helped.  Broth! simple yet loaded with nutrients.   Sleeping with lights on helped.  short walks helped. I did find keeping simple prepared meals helped  many days at the beginning it was just toast.  Peanut butter /jelly sandwiches.   what works one day may not work the next.  Moving an inch is ok and finally it is ok not to be ok,  These emotions are gut wrenching.  they do pass.  herc and kayC share so much wisdom.  I've printed somethings out they've shared and have read and re-read their encouragement.  Know and trust what you are feeling is part of the grief process,  we didn't ask to be here but this is where we have found ourselves to be. We understand.  

[Nely]

Dear Herc and KayC,

Believe me when I say I draw strength from your words. I find myself constantly going over and over your responses because they help me a lot. 

@KayC, thank you for sharing the link to the article on guilt. I picked up so much reading that. 

Thank you Herc for sending that hug, I felt like my Husband was sending it to me through you. Your consistent follow up and kind words helps greatly. I find myself coming here often with hopes of getting more encouraging words from people that truly understand what I'm going through having gone through the same sad route.

I'm working on the guilt feeling daily. I must say it's hard though. Sometimes,I'm able to convince myself that I did nothing wrong. At other times,the feeling is so intense, soul wrenching that I can't seem to rationalize why I could believe it wasn't my fault.

Today hasn't been a very good one in dealing with the emotions. I just feel this is one pain that time may not be able to heal. When I think I'm strong, I realize the pain was only building up waiting for the right time to tear me apart.

@Sunflower, thank you for sharing those tips. I appreciate every single word and time given to me.

Thank you to you all.

 

[KayC]

Keep coming here, we'll walk through this with you.

[Nely]

Thank you so much

 

[ModHerc]

I am so glad I have helped in any way Nely.  That struggle with the emotions happens to me all the time.  One minute I think I’ve made progress, and the next I hear someone else’s phone go off with her ringtone and I just lose it. I quoted sunflower on another thread but this could stand repeating,

On 5/19/2018 at 7:06 PM, Sunflower2 said:

it is ok not to be ok.

None of the “healing” happens quickly.  It isn’t really healing at all, but just finding ways to live with it, to co-exist with your grief as KayC says.  Some days I do well with it, other days not so much.  But I keep trying.  I still have to go back to the basics on occasion and remind myself to eat, or sleep, or the one I am worst at, drink plenty of water.  I try, and I care for myself because I have to, but also because my wife would want me to.

If she is watching me right now she’s probably saying “stop crying about me you idiot, and call your real estate agent”, with a loving smile in her eyes.  She would want me to be well, and she would want me to succeed, and she also really got a kick out of calling me an idiot from time to time.

We aren’t perfect.  We won’t get it right every time.  Many days we won’t even come close.  And we don’t have to.  What I find helps me is knowing that I am trying, and being understanding with myself if I don’t succeed.  I’ve done a lot of hard things in my life, but trying to live without her is by far the hardest.  If I don’t get it perfect right out of the gate, she will understand.  Hoping you have a better day tomorrow,

Herc

[Nely]

Thank you Herc for sharing. I can only imagine what you may be going through after so many months of your loss. Despite the pains, it's kind of reassuring to know that you could do some basic stuff with little or no push from people other than that inner feeling that she would want you to move on.

I have been up all night trying to figure out what possibily could have caused this great loss. I even had to contact his Dr. to find out if there was anything that could have been a primary or secondary cause. He'd agreed to schedule an appointment and have a chat with me. I don't know if that will change anything or help with the guilt, but I must say I look forward to it.

I've also been going through other threads to see if I can find solace. It's pretty difficult I must say. However, I'm grateful to have come across great friends like you all who take out valuable time to share with me and empathize with me. I'm grateful, eternally so.

[ModHerc]

Looking forward to something, anything, can be a big step, you should be proud of yourself.  I had to talk with her Doctor several times to reassure myself.  It helped me.

i wouldn’t say she would want me to move on, I may have presented that part incorrectly.  I look at it more as she would want me to be the man she has always loved.  I think I can be that man, make positive changes in my life, and still maintain the relationship I have with her.  She wouldn’t want me to be mired in my emotions and miss out on opportunities.

I guess some people could view it as “moving on”, particularly people who haven’t been through it.  In some ways it terrifies me.  I will soon live in a place she never saw.  I will soon have a job that she never knew about.  I hope one day we will be reunited and I’ll get to tell her all about it.

But in the meantime I sometimes fear the changes will distance me from my memories of her.  In reality there’s no way that will happen.  She is an intrinsic part of me.  My relationship with her is so deep there is no escaping it, not that I would ever want to.  She stays with me always, in my heart, in my life, in my tears, and in my hopes and dreams.

Early on I feared that at some point I would “forget” her.  That the love I felt for her would somehow fade with time, and that the joy we had together would be gone, locked behind the door of the past.  I’m finding as I move through this process that it is actually the reverse.  The immediacy of the pain of that early loss is slowly fading, and the memories and love I have and always have had for her are shinning more brightly.

There are still incredibly rough days, and I think there probably always will be, but I can now think of her and smile.  Where before the most fleeting mental image of her would rub that exposed nerve of my grief, now I can think of her and laugh st some of the goofy things she would say or do.  I can think what she would think of the current situation.  I can honor her the way she would want, and also treat myself the way she would think I should.

I hope the Doctor gives you some helpful information,

Herc

[Azipod]

On 5/17/2018 at 10:50 AM, Nely said:

It's exactly a month today I lost my friend, lover, confidant, helper, husband. The shock is overwhelming...He only left for work thAt morning. Death is not something we saw coming, at least not now. I have been so devastated and still am. The Pain, the agony, the anguish ....my strength is failing me. There was no chance to say good bye. We had our whole lives ahead of us, we are married for only 2 years and 11 months and 14 days. I'm heartbroken. He is my friend, confidant,help,lover, husband....everything in 1. I feel guilt sometimes, thAt there was something I probably should have done which I failed. I'm losing it I need help. I wish he'd talk to me , even in dreams

Nely, I am so sorry to hear about your husband.  Like you, I lost my wife suddenly and without warning only a few years into our marriage.   I'm sure everyone can tell you that the experience is devastating.  But I know the first month is more than that... it's Devastating with a capital D, explanation marks, and everything else.  Others have mentioned amputation.   That is correct.  I know the pain is dilipitating.  And that constant thought of WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW will keep surfacing in your mind.   I also heard the term "getting over it" but here, we all can tell you that there's nothing to get over.  The loss is a part of our life and the pain, the emptiness and the sorry will be forever etched inside our broken heart.  There is nothing to get over as this is part of us.   It's more like "going THROUGH" the grief.  There is no getting past it, or conquering it.  That's not the point of this.  Someone had mentioned co-existing the grief with our life.   That's entirely correct.  The loss, or the grief, is going to be part of who we are, FOREVER.    We just need to learn to work with it.  It's going to take a lifetime of work.          

I welcome you to share your experiences and your feelings here.  Things are very fresh and your feelings/emotions will change and develop into many varying degrees in days and weeks to come.      We will understand everything you are saying .... as we are all on this horrific journey.   I'm sorry  about your loss.

[Nely]

Azipod, I'm really sorry about your loss. Going through the pains of losing a man I love deeply, cos I still do, I can relate with what you may be going through. I appreciate your kind words. Just like I have learnt so much from Herc, KayC and Sunflower1, your response is equally inspiring. Thank you for reiterating that I can always come here and share because you all Will be here to work me through this painful phase of my life.

@Herc, thank you for clarifying the part about "moving on". Truly, I know there can be no moving on. Like I said to someone yesterday, the relationship with my husband cannot be likened to the ownership of a car which if involved in an accident can be easily discarded for another_thereby forgetting the initial car and moving on. 

Though I'm just responding to your replies, I have read them over and over again. As a matter of fact, coming here is what I do anytime I have a clear head.

However, something bothers me now. Yesterday was a particularly calm day for me. Of cos, not without the thought of my beloved. I was able to have a clear conversation with my dad on which school to enrol our son as well as getting a small house to move into with my son. I also ate twice yesterday without push from anyone and also ate some wafers. I am not happy with this progresses. I feel I'm betraying the love we shared and becoming strong TOO SOON. ITS ONLY 35 days since he walked out that door. I don't know if the strength is coming from reading and learning from you all or the prayers being offered by many out there for me. I also don't know if I seem strong from yesterday because I have been with my family, they are a great support base, and have not been to our home since the funeral.

I also wonder if the strength is coming from the realisation that if anything happens to me, our son will suffer as he will never have the kind of care I or my husband would have given to him.

I have resolved to remain indoors today and not step outside except I cannot help it. I still feel my heart break with the break of every new day. I'm still surprise that I am here not ill for 35 days without hearing the voice of the one I cannot bear not to hear from for an hour except I know for some good reasons I may not be able to reach him.

It's still hard to believe that my soul mate is no more. It seem like a movie on replay. I'm loosing it. Especially that the strength I seem to garner doesn't seem right to me. Please help me, please...

[KayC]

Oh Hon, please don't feel guilty for seeming strong!  First, you are probably still in some shock, that is, it takes a good long while for it to totally hit you with full impact.  That is the body's way of protecting us and letting it eke in to us little by little.  Sometimes we deal with business at hand first because it's easier than facing our grief, that will come.  And yes, this place helps tremendously, learning, sharing, knowing there's others that understand.  I don't know how I could have handled it otherwise.

And then there's a certain part of you that feels you HAVE to hold it together for your son.  There's all the time in the world to figure this out, to grieve, because this is a very long journey, one that doesn't have an expiration date, and you've just begun.

[Sunflower2]

On ‎5‎/‎20‎/‎2018 at 5:43 PM, KayC said:

Keep coming here, we'll walk through this with you.

beautiful!!!! 

[Sunflower2]

5 hours ago, Nely said:

Azipod, I'm really sorry about your loss. Going through the pains of losing a man I love deeply, cos I still do, I can relate with what you may be going through. I appreciate your kind words. Just like I have learnt so much from Herc, KayC and Sunflower1, your response is equally inspiring. Thank you for reiterating that I can always come here and share because you all Will be here to work me through this painful phase of my life.

@Herc, thank you for clarifying the part about "moving on". Truly, I know there can be no moving on. Like I said to someone yesterday, the relationship with my husband cannot be likened to the ownership of a car which if involved in an accident can be easily discarded for another_thereby forgetting the initial car and moving on. 

Though I'm just responding to your replies, I have read them over and over again. As a matter of fact, coming here is what I do anytime I have a clear head.

However, something bothers me now. Yesterday was a particularly calm day for me. Of cos, not without the thought of my beloved. I was able to have a clear conversation with my dad on which school to enrol our son as well as getting a small house to move into with my son. I also ate twice yesterday without push from anyone and also ate some wafers. I am not happy with this progresses. I feel I'm betraying the love we shared and becoming strong TOO SOON. ITS ONLY 35 days since he walked out that door. I don't know if the strength is coming from reading and learning from you all or the prayers being offered by many out there for me. I also don't know if I seem strong from yesterday because I have been with my family, they are a great support base, and have not been to our home since the funeral.

I also wonder if the strength is coming from the realisation that if anything happens to me, our son will suffer as he will never have the kind of care I or my husband would have given to him.

I have resolved to remain indoors today and not step outside except I cannot help it. I still feel my heart break with the break of every new day. I'm still surprise that I am here not ill for 35 days without hearing the voice of the one I cannot bear not to hear from for an hour except I know for some good reasons I may not be able to reach him.

It's still hard to believe that my soul mate is no more. It seem like a movie on replay. I'm loosing it. Especially that the strength I seem to garner doesn't seem right to me. Please help me, please...

we understand the pain, the loss ….you are taking baby steps...He IS with you!!!!  Its different but he IS there giving you the moments of strength you are experiencing!

[ModHerc]

@Nely,

Don’t worry about being too strong too soon.  Your strength comes from you, but also from him, and the love that you had, still have, and always will have.  There is no need to feel guilty about it.  That strong feeling does not mean you don’t still love him from the bottom of your heart.

When you can, enjoy those strong days.  I scratched for them, fought for them, demanded them, and found that they can be gone in the blink of an eye.  I will be “good” for a day, sometimes two, even a week on occasion.  Then I find myself crying all of a sudden because I watched an old “Friends” rerun and remember how much of a crush she had on Joey.  Grief will find ways to remind us just how vulnerable and weak we can be.  And that is ok too.

It is ok to hurt.  It is ok to feel sad.  It is also ok to feel strong.  And I am not just saying that you can feel them and then go on to the next thing.  I am saying that feeling these things is normal, rational, and exactly what we should be doing. Embrace the calm days, use them to get done what you need to, what you want to, and what he would want you to.  Also embrace the sad days.  We have earned the right to those days as well through our love and our loss.

There will be plenty of sad days, no matter how strong we may feel the day before.  The sad days hurt, but they also let me reflect and understand that I am where I am not because I don’t miss her, but because I remember her.  There is no right way, or wrong way to grieve.  I think we are all doing exactly what we should be doing to come to terms with it.  I hope you found some peace today, and hope you have all the days you need to find comfort, regardless of whether they are “strong days” or “weak days”,

Herc

 

 

[Nely]

@KayC, thank you for the insight into what opportunity those  "strong days" have to offer. I recognize truly that this is a long journey that has merely began and like Sunflower said, these are baby steps.

@Herc, thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I realized really that those "strong days" are temporarily. I acknowledged this because the day after I made that post was a really trying one for me. I have now learnt that I use those "strong days" to get done whAt needs to be done as the next day, even hour is not predictable.

Some weeks back, my dad had to call for my BP to be checked. It was discovered that It was abnormally low, thAt I was also dehydrated and malnourished. My family couldn't bear to hear that and had to ensure that I ate even when I didn't want to. The only other option to eating was to take meds. About a week later, a repeat was done and it was normal. However, last night when they checked again, we discovered that It was low again. I have started to eat well. For the first time, yesterday I ate three times in a day. I really don't understand the fluctuations.

Waking up this morning, I am so much engulf with this guilt feeling again. It's 38days today and I feel I didn't play my role as a wife adequately, probably if I had prayed better for husband (if I had prayed with him before he left home that morning, he probably wouldn't have slumped and died) , if I had insisted and probably practically dragged him to the Hospital for his routine medical check up, if I had not bothered him at all with the needs in the house, if I had not called for us to be on the same page in our finances for a better management, if I didn't live as if we had the entire time ahead of us.... the "ifs" seem endless. I'm so consumed in this. I wonder if it will ever get better, if this will ever leave me. It's so hard and so overwhelming.

It's increasingly becoming difficult because every day, the support base seem to be reducing. It's becoming more glaring that I will be alone in this long walk. I am not the friends kind of person. My husband was my confidant. The only other person I could confide in was my immediate elder sister. She knew all about it, anything that I needed advice for In my home, she knew it all. Sadly, now that I need to review those actions, those decisions that she was in the no of, she's back to her life and family. She's not being able to have a chat with me. She's gone back to her routine after the funeral. The last time she came, she said she's going to have a baby.... life in her home is back to normal and she's not able to help me review these acts of mine she's aware of, she is the only one that can actually help talk to me cos she knows so much. Now I'm all alone. It's so hard, so so hard!

 

[ModHerc]

@Nely,

What you are feeling, both physically and emotionally is completely normal.  Almost everyone has some kind of physical manifestation of the grief.  The basics of self care will help with that.  Water, food, sleep, and exercise.  I know they are much easier to say than do.  I got fortunate, my physical symptoms have been small, muscle cramps for the most part in my neck, painful but not dangerous.  Water helps with it, and I still don’t drink enough of it, but I try.

The guilt, and the fear of the future are understandable.  That’s why people advise one moment at a time when you can.  When you start feeling those waves coming on, try to focus on the now.  Maybe get that glass of water, or just think about whatever you are doing right then.

I’m sorry you are feeling abandonment.  That is unfortunately normal for us too.  I know how hard it is, but we do get through it, one moment at a time.  The grief is still very fresh for you, time won’t heal it, but it does get easier to deal with.  Sending you big hugs and hopes for a good day,

Herc

[Nely]

@Herc

Thank you so much for your prompt response to me. Believe me, I always look forward to learning from you and being encouraged by your kind words. 

With the support base declining, I'm really grateful for you and the other great people here that are always ready and willing to support by listening to me.

Thank you for confirming what I have often said, thAt time cannot heal this loss. It's really not easy, the thought of it alone makes me go crazy. I will try to take it a step at a time.

I will be going to the place we shared and called home today. I don't know what to expect. My sisters will be coming with me to keep me company for a while though. 

I'm kind of hopeful that going back there will bring me close to him. Something significant happened this morning. I heard him talk to me, one of the things he said was that "God will help me". I believe it's him. I hope he speaks to me often. I really do hope he does.

[ModHerc]

Going back will be a big step for you.  I’m glad your sisters will be with you.  I have had messages from my wife, and they have been very reaffirming.  I’ve found in some circumstances it can help to think about what she would say to me.

It isn’t as powerful as the spontaneous communication you had this morning, but I have found that just thinking of what she would say to me helps clarify and focus things for me.  We did so much for one another and knew each other so well, I know when she would have a different perspective on things, and it seems only right that I should help her by speaking for her.

I may be in and out of communication for a while here.  I have a big step today as well.  Today is my last day as a dispatcher.  The end of a roughly 20 year career.  It is a door that is closing, but another one is opening.  I’ll be moving to quality control next week and starting my new career.  Also got word back, my loan has been approved, so I’ll be closing on my new house Tuesday.

I am going to check in here as frequently as possible, but it is going to be a very busy time for me.  I may not be able to get back to you quite as quickly, but know I am thinking of everyone here and wishing you all peace and comfort on this journey.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Nely said:

@KayC, thank you for the insight into what opportunity those  "strong days" have to offer. I recognize truly that this is a long journey that has merely began and like Sunflower said, these are baby steps.

@Herc, thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I realized really that those "strong days" are temporarily. I acknowledged this because the day after I made that post was a really trying one for me. I have now learnt that I use those "strong days" to get done whAt needs to be done as the next day, even hour is not predictable.

Some weeks back, my dad had to call for my BP to be checked. It was discovered that It was abnormally low, thAt I was also dehydrated and malnourished. My family couldn't bear to hear that and had to ensure that I ate even when I didn't want to. The only other option to eating was to take meds. About a week later, a repeat was done and it was normal. However, last night when they checked again, we discovered that It was low again. I have started to eat well. For the first time, yesterday I ate three times in a day. I really don't understand the fluctuations.

Waking up this morning, I am so much engulf with this guilt feeling again. It's 38days today and I feel I didn't play my role as a wife adequately, probably if I had prayed better for husband (if I had prayed with him before he left home that morning, he probably wouldn't have slumped and died) , if I had insisted and probably practically dragged him to the Hospital for his routine medical check up, if I had not bothered him at all with the needs in the house, if I had not called for us to be on the same page in our finances for a better management, if I didn't live as if we had the entire time ahead of us.... the "ifs" seem endless. I'm so consumed in this. I wonder if it will ever get better, if this will ever leave me. It's so hard and so overwhelming.

It's increasingly becoming difficult because every day, the support base seem to be reducing. It's becoming more glaring that I will be alone in this long walk. I am not the friends kind of person. My husband was my confidant. The only other person I could confide in was my immediate elder sister. She knew all about it, anything that I needed advice for In my home, she knew it all. Sadly, now that I need to review those actions, those decisions that she was in the no of, she's back to her life and family. She's not being able to have a chat with me. She's gone back to her routine after the funeral. The last time she came, she said she's going to have a baby.... life in her home is back to normal and she's not able to help me review these acts of mine she's aware of, she is the only one that can actually help talk to me cos she knows so much. Now I'm all alone. It's so hard, so so hard!

 

Oh Hon, you do not hold the keys to life and death!  Who knows why some go, some do not, when or how!  I long ago quit looking for answers to "why" because all of my crying out WHY in that first year was met with silence.  We don't know.  I don't consider it "God's will" or "my doing" or any of the sort!  It just is what it is.  The bible says it rains on the just and the unjust...that helps me to understand that life (or death as in this case) happens, it seems rather random to me, and it actually helped me to quit searching for some hidden meaning or agenda to it that may not exist!

You are not responsible for his death.  I'm sure he would tell you that you were a wonderful wife to him and it hurts his heart to hear you talk like this, he'd tell you to quit it, he'd love to hold you to himself and reassure you.  

Yes it is hard.  The hardest thing you'll probably ever have to tackle.  But we'll be here for you, keep coming here, pouring out your feelings, it does help us to process it and thus finally make our way through this grief journey that seems to have no end, but it gets better little by little, so minutely that we fail to take notice, but one day you look back at day one and can say to yourself, it's not as bad as that day was!

[KayC]

Everything Herc says here is so right on!  And you too!  So many think time heals all wounds, but time alone does nothing but pass.  We have to be active participants in our grief journey and what we do does make a difference.  I remember feeling annoyed when I first heard that though, because I didn't ask to be on this journey and I just wanted him BACK! 

Herc, good luck on your last day of dispatch.  I'm sure it'll be bittersweet.  On to a new chapter!

[Nely]

Herc, I must say congratulations on your successful career as a Dispatcher. I wish you nothing less than greater success with your new career in quality control.

I must admit that I will personally miss your words of wisdom which come in handy and promptly too. I find solace in the fact that KayC and others would be here to support as usual. Truth is, I have come to find great comfort and strength being here and hearing from you all. Honestly, the thought of you not being available as often sort of dampened my spirit. But in it all, I have to recognize that we all still have life outside here. I wish you the very best and I hope you find fulfilment every inch the way.

@KayC, I am really encouraged reading through your responses. I love my husband deeply and if ever I hurt him, it was never intentional. We often time acknowledged our love for each other. With this sudden development, it's so hard Coming to terms with it that I began to question most of my actions as I could not rationalize this incident, hard as I tried. Thank you so much for reassuring me of your continuous support through this sad journey. I'm really grateful. This platform has helped me greatly. I'm thankful to you and everyone else that has bothered to drop kind and encouraging words.

[Nely]

@KayC, you mentioned this in another post "You speak of your guilt and the things you relay...that's not how I see it.  I see someone who was living their life as if it would continue to continue, not knowing that day would be significant, not knowing that your life as you knew it would end...and responding the way many of us do when we think we have tomorrow"

This speaks so much of me. I honestly neverror saw this happening,at least not now. Little wonder the regrets. I should have taken life more seriously, I was probably too free and thought we always have tomorrow which turned out as not.

Oh dear Lord!

[Sunflower2]

8 hours ago, Herc said:

Going back will be a big step for you.  I’m glad your sisters will be with you.  I have had messages from my wife, and they have been very reaffirming.  I’ve found in some circumstances it can help to think about what she would say to me.

It isn’t as powerful as the spontaneous communication you had this morning, but I have found that just thinking of what she would say to me helps clarify and focus things for me.  We did so much for one another and knew each other so well, I know when she would have a different perspective on things, and it seems only right that I should help her by speaking for her.

I may be in and out of communication for a while here.  I have a big step today as well.  Today is my last day as a dispatcher.  The end of a roughly 20 year career.  It is a door that is closing, but another one is opening.  I’ll be moving to quality control next week and starting my new career.  Also got word back, my loan has been approved, so I’ll be closing on my new house Tuesday.

I am going to check in here as frequently as possible, but it is going to be a very busy time for me.  I may not be able to get back to you quite as quickly, but know I am thinking of everyone here and wishing you all peace and comfort on this journey.

you have given us so much in such a short time!!!!  We understand.  Congratulations as you move forward.  Moving forward partnered with grief.  your wisdom!!!  I've printed so much of your words and read them often!  

[ModHerc]

I’m not going away completely, I think I will still probably check in at least once a day, it’s just that a lot of my time will be going to moving boxes, and the familiarity I had with my job where I could surf the net fairly frequently will not be available for a while.  Don’t worry, I’ll still be around.

I thought about that taking life more seriously thing a lot, especially in the beginning.  The conclusion I came to is that my relationship with Christine was about as perfect as they come.  When I say perfect, I don’t mean we were always sunny and happy, I mean we lived the wonderful life of two married people.  In other words we fought, in addition to loving one another.

If I had it to do over again, at first I thought I would avoid those fights.  As I have continued along this path, I have realized those fights were a part of us.  We were stubborn bullheaded mules, and that is one of the big reasons we loved one another.  We pushed one another to be better, and never gave up on one another.  If we had been all smiles and blissful happiness we would have gone crazy.  Some people may have that, but it just couldn’t have worked for us.  I wouldn’t have it any way other than what it was.

I was guilty of thinking we had more time despite the fact that she had serious medical problems.  She had juvenile onset diabetes from when she was a young teenager until she passed at 49.  Diabetes is an awful disease that results in other medical conditions, in her case a lot of other conditions.  Before I met her she had already had her first kidney transplant.

Through a little over a decade that I spent with her she went through many rejection episodes of that kidney, eventually losing it, went on dialysis, had another kidney transplant, had quadruple bypass heart surgery, had half of her right foot amputated, and developed multiple pneumonia’s that required hospitalization.  As a rough guess I spent over a hundred nights at the hospital in those 10 years, and around 1000 hours sitting in chairs next to her at the dialysis clinics.

Despite all of this I still expected us to make it to retirement together.  It might have been denial, or wishful thinking, but more probably it is that we couldn’t live our lives planning for death.  In order to have that love, and life, we had to believe that we were building a future.  But by believing it, we did build that future.

I wish more than anything she were here to share it with me and reap the rewards, but I take what I can from it.  We have a smart and successful daughter.  She provided that daughter with the financial means to retire at about 50 if that is what she chooses to do.  We have wonderful family and friends who are supportive, understanding, and who value her life work and while saddened by her passing appreciate what she did.  And regardless of all these outside factors, while my heart is still shattered by her passing, it is also enlarged by the live we shared.  I am a better person for sharing my life with her and letting her share hers with me.

There is a line in Men in Black 2 (I know, this isn’t exactly a highbrow literary reference), Will Smith says “It is better to have loved and lost”, and Tommy Lee Jones comes back with a very bitter “Oh yeah?  Try it.”  For a while I was on that bitter side, but the more I look at it, the more I am glad I tried it.

I think I am rambling a bit now, so I’m going to stop, but I’ll leave you with the thought that yesterday’s regrets have somewhat transformed into today’s cherished memories for me.  I hope they do the same for all of us,

Herc

[KayC]

Herc,

I feel the same, so glad I had George in my life.

You mentioned in the other topic you hadn't heard that part of our story...I don't consider it a huge part, it was something I struggled with for a good year after he died because as with any addict, there were lies and thefts (from me/our household) to cover his addiction.  I honestly hadn't known, I should have, but I so blindly trusted him!  I had to forgive him postmortum as each and every thing came to mind, much harder to do than when you have the person right there before you and they can answer you.  When we started our relationship, it was built on trust and faith in each other, understanding, and it came full cycle back to that now that he's passed through that veil into what is to come...I can no longer see him, I talk to him but don't get an answer, I can write to him, but no letter comes in return...and so I rely on faith in the love that continues to exist between us.  I realize the only thing that really happened on June 19, 2005 is his body gave out.  That's it in a nutshell.  But that one happening changed everything in my life...his too.  The one thing it did not change is our love and belief in each other.  He showed me he's human, he made mistakes, okay he didn't walk on water, but he damned near did in my thinking!

[Sunflower2]

I'm listening and I'm absorbing.   Keep sharing. I'm so in such the most tiniest ways seeing light and joy. beginning to smile at some of his annoying quirks. Yet so blessed to have had someone love me unconditionally. I can't think of the future without him.  That still is unimageable and shocking,  I do believe I will find peace and joy in our "new" relationship. It will be different. I just have to find my way there and I will in time.  I have to believe and I have to have hope. I have to continue to love and be open o receive love and the kindness of others.  I will always love him so deeply.  I sometimes ask him.."I bet you never imagined how much I would miss you."  The loss is unimageable and for those just beginning this journey it is so raw.  Believe it will get lighter.  Different but lighter.  We are blessed to have those supporting us here that started this journey before us.  I can't even think of the year anniversary, One day at a time. One moment at a time.

[ModHerc]

@Sunflower2,

Here is one that haunts me.  Somewhere between a year and two years before she passed she told me “You will miss me more than you imagine when I am gone”.  It was said in passion, we were having a VERY contentious disagreement.

Those are the exact words, I remember them because they pretty much stopped the fight.  That fight was a doozy.  I actually printed out divorce papers and gave them to her.  I told her I didn’t want a divorce but she could sign them if she wanted to.  We were almost as good at fighting as we were at loving one another.  Almost, and not even close.  There was no chance I would have gone through with it.  There was no chance she would have signed.  We were so much in love that even if one of us had been so stubborn that the paperwork got filed, we just would have gone to the county clerk and gotten “remarried” the next week.

6 years of that passion, and it should have been 60 if the world was fair.  It never would have lessened.  And it never will.  To this day her memory incites me, enrages me, and enchants me.

Rejoice and remember those quirks.  You will without trying, his true self will never fade from your eyes.  But society and convention may try to persuade you to create the “perfect” lost relationship.  In reality society just can’t deal with the perfect relationship because they wish it was more without realizing their “perfect” is actually less, and the relationship can never be lost.

What we had was transcendent.  The pain of my present reflects the perfection of my past.  No one has an answer to our current problem.  There is no answer, because there is no problem.  It hurts in new ways every day, but love also reaches out to remind me that there is untold beauty in this world.  Hoping the dichotomy is reassuring to you today and knowing it will be in the long run,

Herc

 

[KayC]

When I was going with George, I couldn't even imagine fighting with him.  Somewhere along the way in our married life, there came a time when it finally happened.  The thing is we had passion and felt deeply about each other!  It comes out in the loving, and it can come out in the fighting.  But the fights we had (I could count them on my left hand) though hard, our love never came into question.  Leaving each other was never a consideration.  I guess it really didn't occur to me that he'd die so young.  That was supposed to happen in a car crash together  when we were 80...not right after his 51st birthday when we were in the middle of living!  It wasn't supposed to be one of us leaving the other one.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living with a ghost.  I can't interact with him like I used to, can't touch him, I talk to him but I get no answer, he's always on my mind, but I can't see him.  It's weird. We learn to carry our love and our grief, it's part of us, it's inside of us, it's always there.  But it's not in a bad way, although it can feel like that in those early days/years before we've fully processed it and adjusted to the changes that have come.  When he died, I had no idea how long and hard this would be.  But neither did I know that I WOULD adjust and that life would continue.  I didn't even see how the sun could go on shining, seriously.

[Nely]

I can't seem to hold it together anymore. My strength is failing me. I can't believe he's actually gone. For some days now , I seem strong but I can't hold it together anymore.

 

Why me, whY us.............Oh oh oh oh oh oh.......God help me. I can't do this. It's too much........oh God oh God

[KayC]

I feel your pain, I hear you, I remember feeling that way, I can tell you the pain will lessen.  Hang in there, one day at a time.  I'm not sure "strong" is something any of us feel, we do the best we can, that's all we can do.  Some days it's enough to muster getting out of bed and eating.  Be patient and understanding with yourself, this is a lot of trauma to go through.

[Nely]

@KayCThank you for your kind words. I totally agree that this it is a "whole lot" of trauma to go through. It's just so hard. Especially that the support base is now as thin as anything you can imagine. It mAkes me reAlize how much it is my world that has crumbled. Everyone is back to their lives again, my sister and her family pass by the house every morning and noon to pick and drop the students who live in the family house ( I'm at my parents" for now) and it's really amazing that they don't even bother to come and say a word to me. It hurts so much. I know how much I'd be there for them if they were the ones in my shoes. 

I wish the one who knows me and knows how to love me is here today. It's so hard , truly hard

[KayC]

I too went through the abandonment of friends when my husband died, I don't get it, how they could do that.  I know they don't know what to say, that its uncomfortable to them, how uncomfortable do they think it is for US?  I would not do that to a friend.

I'm sorry you're going through that with family too.  The one thing we can all count on in life is that in a marriage, with the exception of the very few who go together, the rest of us experience this loss.  It's too bad our society is so ignorant about grief.

Sometimes I wish we could hand out "how to" packets at funerals!
https://whatsyourgrief.com/support-grieving-family-member-friend-6-principals/

[Nely]

Dear KayC, 

Thank you for being there. It's so sad to have to experience such with family along side this pain and anguish. In it all, there will be lessons that will mould me as an individual. 

I just realize I have to be here for our son, if nothing else, my husband would want me to take good care of the only seed he has here on earth. I draw strength from him sometimes. There are days he just brings out that laughter despite how hard I try to bury myself in these thoughts that overwhelm me. 

Oh dear God! I wish I didn't have to go through this, at least not now...

[KayC]

I'm glad you have your son.  Sometimes what keeps me going is having to be here for my dog and cat.  They need me and bring me so much joy, especially my dog.

[Nely]

I don't know what else to do. I don't know if I can survive this. I'm at a crossroad. What do I do? Where do I start? I need help. I need help. I don't know if I can survive this. Oh my God, oh my dear husband..... I'm not strong for this, I'm not

[KayC]

None of us feel strong.  Are you seeing a grief counselor (I'm sorry, I don't remember), it helps if you have someone to help you make your way through this, it's too much to figure out on your own.  We're here for you, we're listening, just keep coming here and pouring out your heart.

[Nely]

Thank you so much @KayC for your prompt response.

No, I'm not seeing a grief counsellor, just family and friends coming around and offering support. It will be 2 months on Sunday since my husband passed on. As I stated earlier on, we were married 2 years and 11 months before his SUDDEN DEATH. I'm 32 and he's all I have ever known and "have" intimately. 

I can't seem to come to terms with this. Our son who just turned two keeps asking that we go ( we have been in my parents house since the incidence) as we seemed to have stayed away from home and our usual life for too long. This insistence from him which is more often these days weighs me down the more.

 

The guilt feeling are also there. I feel if I had monitored my husband's health and hospital appointments better he probably would still be here. I feel so because I can't seem to rationalize the "slumping and dying" which happened in his office. 

My world seem crumbled and I don't know how to start life afresh. My strength is failing me, it's failing me , it's failing me....

[KayC]

Here's another article, might help.  There's some good articles at the end of this one too, just click on the links.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

It helps to see a grief counselor.  If you live in a university town you might contact them, sometimes they have someone.  Also there are counselors that will do it based on income.  There are also grief support groups, I lead one in my town.  

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/11/grief-support-groups-what-are-benefits.html

I know the what ifs can drive us crazy, it's common in grief, part of it.  It's like we're trying to come up with a different ending, but there is no different ending, just this one, it is a reality that is tough to face.  The truth is, I made good suggestions to my husband regarding managing his health, suggested he try a different doctor, etc., but ultimately they are adults and made the decisions they did, none of us foresaw this happening...not in my wildest dreams!