My husband died suddenly at home

[March Widow]

My husband died just over two months ago, and I'm so angry at him, his parents, his brother, and sometimes the whole world.  I know this is a stage of grief, but I just need to get over this already and move on to a level of acceptance.  I also have terrible feelings of guilt that I have not yet been able to talk about.  Generally feeling pretty numb.  People say that it will get better, but I have this hard little kernel in my stomach that just seems to sit there.  Looking for some input from those of you who have been where I am now.

[Autocharge]

Hi March Widow.

The best piece of advice I ever got was just get out of bed. I hate to see newcomers, but I'm glad you found this place. there's lots to read on this site and I'm sure you will be able to find someone that has a similar experience to yours unfortunately. It does you good to be able to talk and express yourself in an environment where no one judges.

Autocharge

 

[KayC]

Anger is a part of grief...not a place you want to stay in, but ride it out, grief evolves and doesn't stay the same.  Of course you have anger, you feel left!  Remember, feelings are just feelings, they don't have to make sense or be logical, I view them as something to be gotten through.  I've come through it, almost 13 years out now.  Grief doesn't have an expiration date, but neither does it stay the same, the intensity from the beginning lessens to something more livable.  The pain diminishes and there comes a time it's replaced with fond memories from the best time in our life.  I hold onto the love we shared, knowing it doesn't expire the day he died!  It brings me comfort even as I grow old alone.

As Autocharge says, it does help to talk about it and this is a safe place, we've all been through the gamut!

[ModHerc]

Hello March Widow,

First, I am so sorry for your loss, I wish none of us had reason to be on this site.  I have had those feelings of intense anger associated with grief, not from the loss of my wife, but when my Grandfather passed many years ago.  With the loss of my wife, I got hung up on the isolation phase for a while, and later the depression.  Regardless of which emotion or phase I got "stuck" in, I think I had to go through that experience to get to the point I am at now.  Dealing with those emotions for me were a way to grasp the change that had been brought to my life.  It is a catastrophic change that none of us wanted, and none of us deserved, but we have to find a way to understand and function in this unfortunate new reality.

As KayC said, you have good reason to feel anger.  A horrible thing has happened to you through no fault of your own.  There was no way for you to prevent it, you didn't ask for it, and as I said earlier you certainly didn't deserve it.  I can't think of anything that would be more understandable for you to be angry about.  And for me that was where guilt came in.  Coming to that understanding that being angry, or depressed, or felt like just sitting in a dark room by myself without talking to anyone was a logical thing was so much harder because my mind kept playing tricks on me.

I thought I should have done something different, or not done something that could have changed the outcome.  This stopped me from being able to accept my feelings of loss for a while, because I was focused on how I could or should have done something to stop the inevitable.  I think I had to go through that phase as well because dealing with the overwhelming wave of emotions all at once would have been impossible.  My mind was only allowing me the amount I could deal with at the time to keep me from overloading on all the emotions at once.

Even the guilt was and is a necessary part of my process, although it is the one that I hate the most.  The guilt robs me of so many of the good things in our relationship.  Unless I focus to get past it, it keeps me from seeing how much I took care of and provided for her, some of the truly wonderful moments where I was able to give her comfort, support and love.  And my guilt is a lie, because the truth is I would have given my life to save hers.  I would do anything to stop her from having passed, and indeed I did everything I could before hand.  I was working with the information I had at the time, and did the best I could.  I didn't deserve to lose her, I don't deserve to have to live with out her, and nothing I did or did not do changes that.  I think that is the case for everyone, while guilt is a normal, natural, and necessary part of grief, it is also almost always based on falsehoods that our mind feeds to us to make the other emotions we are going through a little more bearable.

Dealing with the emotions is still difficult.  I often have to remind myself that what I am feeling frequently has little to do with what other people have done or are doing, and that most of my feelings come from my own thoughts and the loss I am dealing with.  This is not always true, and picking out those moments when people are doing things that I should be rightfully angry or upset about can be tricky.  I don't know if any of this will be helpful to you, but I have found that sharing what you are feeling and thinking can be very good to help you get through some of the roughest moments.  There are people here who understand and will be more than happy to listen.  Hoping you find some peace and comfort through this horrible process,

Herc