I lost my Dad

[Antill]

Hey readers...

I lost my Dad one week ago and it still doesn’t feel real. I’ve been crying my eyes out but it just doesn’t feel real...

I’m only 20 but I still feel so young like 16 or 17

My Dad had cancer for 20 years but only suffered for 4. I got so used to him being sick that I somehow came to the idea that that’s how he would always be; sick. When he died it was so suddenly. He was fine, his version of fine...then he went downhill incredibly fast and died the morning after he went to hospital. I wasn’t there, I was half an hour late. Half an hour. I worry that he felt alone,  I wish I was there with him. The palliative care nurse said he had been in a deep sleep for a few hours before he died, so he wasn’t awake. But was he aware? Did he know he was dying? Was he wondering were his family was? I walked into the room only half an hour later, and saw him lying there...it was like he was there but he wasn’t. It looked liked my dad but it didn’t. And inside I was screaming for him to wake up. “Why?” I repeatedly cried to my mum, over and over again. Why did my loving, extraordinary Dad have to die? He lived a giving life, he never did anything bad so why did he deserve to die like that? 

There’s still so many questions I have for him, so many things I still want to do together. 

When will it feel better? When will it feel normal? My dog of 16 years died two years ago and I still struggle to come to the fact that he’s dead too. 

 

[reader]

Dear Antill:

I'm so sorry to hear about your beloved dad. I know its a horrible shock.

Grief is so hard. And I think it takes a very long time to come to terms with what happened. It's been almost 19 months for me and some days I still don't feel normal. If you feel like it maybe talk to a grief counsellor or seek out a support group. Keep taking it moment for moment for now.

I was so raw the first year of my father's passing. Asking the same thing. I don't think there are any good answers sometimes.

Thinking of you. Sending you hugs.

[sadandlost]

Dear Antill,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I agree with reader there are no good answers.  We all spin our stories over and over and over for so long.  We don't find answers.  We just learn to adjust to our new existence.  It takes a long time.  I'm only beginning to adjust to life without my mother and its been almost 16 months.  There are so many layers to grief.  The shock goes on and on for a while and thats where you are now, trying to process what has happened.  So sorry.