my gorgeous boy

[jacquelina]

i lost my gorgeous lab at 4 this morning... how do I get through it........

[KayC]

jacquelina,

I am so sorry.  There is no easy way through grief, but it's important to let ourselves grieve, that's how we process it, pain and all.

Can you tell us a little about your dog?  Maybe post a picture?  

Here's some links to some articles you might find of help to you:

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/pet-loss-articles.html 

 

 

[jacquelina]

thank you for help,my gorgeous boy taken to the vet this morning at 4am, a disc problem in his back, he could no longer stand up he was 11  years and 2 months and very much loved I miss him so much right now,  I wondering how I grieve for him do I just let the feeling however bad come and go ...

[KayC]

Yes, pretty much.  You don't need to conjure it up but neither squelch it, just let it ebb and flow as it will.  Sometimes it helps to do a memorial for them.  I have buried my pets on my property and have headstones for them.  Others plant a rose bush or something in their name.  Some put up a shadow box with their collar, a favorite ball, a picture of them.  It's whatever is meaningful to you.

[jacquelina]

thank you, I seem pretty much hopeless at the moment, the future is looking bleak as our world revolved around him, I don't want to sink into any depression that why I was asking how do I grieve, just hope it gets easier as days go by. We have arranged to have him cremated so we will have that we have kept all his toys blankets etc,

[AJWCat]

I know exactly what you are going through. We lost our cat, who was like our child, on an extended vacation. He got terribly, suddenly sick. It was horrible. It is getting near a year. I can promise you this, it will get better. How long it takes differs. We all process grief differently.

The early days, as you know, are tough. My advice is try to be patient with yourself. Grieve the loss of your sweet dog. If you want to cry, let it out. He was a major part of your life. A lot of little things stop when we lose them. Their presence of course (which is so big because they are always there!) but all the rituals we have with them that make up our day. 

I am so sorry for your loss, wishing you peace.    

[KayC]

I wrote this from my 12 year journey following the loss of my husband, he was my soul mate and best friend.  Maybe everything won't be applicable, but if even one things helps you, I hope you will take it and use it.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[jacquelina]

thank you so much AJWcat and KayC, for your kind words and guidance I have cried reading this but my tears are a release of the pain in my heart & my gut, I will take one day at a time and to know it will get better helps a lot.... thank you both.

[AJWCat]

You are welcome, we know how hard it is. I don't know if she said it but KayC says the depth of our love is the depth of our grief. It's interesting to think that the pain we have represents something so positive like our bond with them.  

[jacquelina]

yes how true, the pain felt now is worth the  love and happiness he gave me.

[jacquelina]

I was scared of grief because I thought I have to keep up because If I let go and feel sad I may not get up but then I don't want to feel ok I haven't got the right to feel ok, suppose that is one aspect of grief, I know to let myself cry when I feel like now though I have to let it out instead of putting on a brave face.

[AJWCat]

Yes it can be complicated. I feel like letting it out is the better way. But if you feel okay and you can get up, that's okay too. You also don't grieve forever. It's a bit of a roller coaster because emotions are not simple. Feelings are fleeting. We just try to do the best we can and remember the good times. 

[jacquelina]

this helps a lot thanks for reading and taking time to reply ..

[KayC]

18 hours ago, jacquelina said:

If I let go and feel sad I may not get up but then I don't want to feel ok I haven't got the right to feel o

Actually, when the time comes that you smile again, please give yourself permission to.  Grief does not have an expiration date, but it does evolve and change form so that the grief form we have right now of crying and pain changes into something we can more easily carry with us.  I have learned to coexist with my grief.  It is with me forever, but it is okay, I have learned to live with it.  But it's so important to also allow joy and happiness into our lives and to embrace all of what we feel...the pain AND the good, because we will have both in our lives, even in the future.  The missing them continues and as we remember them the rest of our lives, we feel a yearning for them, it can have a wistful type of pain with it, but we also remember the good times we had with them and how blessed we were to have had them in our lives.  

[jacquelina]

the morning time the empty house.... it the worst feeling when you don't want to come home ....... having a bad morning 

[KayC]

I know, I'm sorry.  Sending you cyber hugs...

[jacquelina]

thanks you, your support is much appreciated, someone who understands helps so much.

[jacquelina]

I has lost my appetite but I was wondering if anyone else doesn't want to enjoy any food while going through this, like a sort of self punishment, I don't have food issues its just I am getting by on basic but I don't want to enjoy anything I feel guilty if I did.  I don't know if this sounds strange but its how I feel.

[AJWCat]

Oh my gosh, not strange at all. I literally did not eat for the first two days. Then after that it was simply a task. No joy. I know it may sound dramatic, but I was a zombie. My husband and I were in a vacation home. We were supposed to go on day trips around the area, explore, and have fun. We didn't leave the house for weeks. It wasn't guilt for enjoying things... I just was in a really dark place. Our cat was like our child and the way he passed was really awful. So, we were just depressed and heart broken. One day we finally forced ourselves out for a few hours and I'm glad we did, despite still being sad. Eventually ever so slowly you just learn to live with it. But it's traumatic. And I feel like when the passing is sudden that adds an extra trauma too. 

[KayC]

It's not strange at all to not feel like eating, part of our grief.  Give it time, remember to hydrate though, maybe make healthy smoothies.  When my husband died I think I lived on them for a while, my daughter would follow me around with a plate of food but I mostly pushed it around, didn't feel like eating.

[jacquelina]

even though the last few days I have felt hungry still don't want to enjoy any food I will carry on with the smoothies and milk shake drinks the though of sitting down enjoying a cooked meal  makes me shudder not because I don't feel like eating I don't want to enjoy any food at this stage just enough to keep me going.. thanks for replies guys I had a better day today I did smile today ........

[AJWCat]

That is good. I know this process well enough to know you'll get hit with another wave of grief soon enough. So, if you find a little happiness, or a smile come, allow it. It does not mean your not grieving. It does not take away anything about your loss.    

[jacquelina]

thank you, its strange trying to understand the feelings, I thought how come am smiling? I was with my parents though and we was talking about other things so maybe my mind was distracted but like you say it wont take anything away about my loss .

[KayC]

19 hours ago, jacquelina said:

thank you, its strange trying to understand the feelings, I thought how come am smiling? I was with my parents though and we was talking about other things so maybe my mind was distracted but like you say it wont take anything away about my loss .

I'm glad you realize this.  And I hope you realize it's okay to eat too, when you're readyi.

[jacquelina]

would just like to thank KayC and AJWcat for your support this past week when my grief was at its worse, I don't know how I got through it, thanks for understanding and guidance. I have a way to go but I just wanted both of you to know how much your support, this site helped when I was raw.

[KayC]

Hey, we've been through it, I'm just thankful for this place.  I find it doesn't go away but somehow we survive it and I think the beginning is the worst as we get used to being without our routines with them.  The pain is still there but not as intense.  It's amazing that we can GET used to this, it's so hard!

[AJWCat]

You are welcome! KayC (and a few others) were here for me. It is nice to feel validated b/c telling people how devastated you are over your pet's death... well they don't get it. It's isolating and we feel alone anyway. Writing helped me so so much! 

[jacquelina]

Quote

 

feelings of annoyance, irritation and dissatisfaction, are these all feelings of grief... I feel these feelings at the moment... 

[AJWCat]

Interesting... so many emotions come to the surface. I had so much anger and I am never mad at anyone or anything, I let everything go. But I was so mad - in general. So I understand your feelings. I am sorry  

[jacquelina]

thanks AJWCat to know that it is normal to have so many emotions, and thanks to you George drye that is a lovely site.