Mom is grieving. I don’t know how to console her.

[gregy26]

 

My dad just recently passed away a few weeks ago and after all the silent grieving, my mom has finally started to speak again. One night, she and I were having dinner together, just the two of us, and we got into the topic of her past with my dad. She told me how they first met through a new years party dating service event they both worked in and when they started talking, she knew that he was the one. They proceeded to have a wonderful dating period and soon later after that, they got into a married life together. She continued to tell me all about his accomplishments in life and how she’s so proud of him. She explained on and on how he was a great man and then started to cry.

 

Ever since the talk, she’s been crying every night before she goes to sleep. I feel bad that I might have brought up the topic and led her to open up some fresh wounds. I don’t know how to console people and I really want my mom to feel better. Can someone give me some advice on this?

[mommymc]

Just being there for your Mom is a great help to her. I know that my girls are what is keeps me going now after losing their Father three months ago.  Do little things around the house for her, offer to make her dinner or a snack. Anything to keep her in the present and cheer her up.  You don't have to say all the right things. I know you don't like to see her cry,but it helps to let her grieve. I hope you doing okay as well. 

[KayC]

What you did for her was wonderful.  My mom told me how much it meant to her that I would bring up my dad, most people pretended to her like he'd never existed, as if bringing him up would hurt her.  The truth is, not a day went by but what he wasn't uppermost in her mind and heart.  I understand that all the more now because my husband's been gone nearly 13 years.  I relish being able to talk about him to those who knew him.  My mom lived 32 1/2 years past my dad.  Now my life is hers all over again.

https://www.seniorhomes.com/w/helping-a-parent-cope-with-losing-a-spouse/

[BSL]

17 hours ago, gregy26 said:

 

 

My dad just recently passed away a few weeks ago and after all the silent grieving, my mom has finally started to speak again. One night, she and I were having dinner together, just the two of us, and we got into the topic of her past with my dad. She told me how they first met through a new years party dating service event they both worked in and when they started talking, she knew that he was the one. They proceeded to have a wonderful dating period and soon later after that, they got into a married life together. She continued to tell me all about his accomplishments in life and how she’s so proud of him. She explained on and on how he was a great man and then started to cry.

 

Ever since the talk, she’s been crying every night before she goes to sleep. I feel bad that I might have brought up the topic and led her to open up some fresh wounds. I don’t know how to console people and I really want my mom to feel better. Can someone give me some advice on this?

Gregy26, 

Can I ask how old you are? I think a child, teenager and young adult would all have different situations with their Mom and how they talk or cope with this. I'm sure you're hurting too and depending on your age, your Mom may still be acting as a Mom for you in different ways. 

My boys were 20 and 22 when their Mom died, both in university. I felt the need to try as hard as possible to help them through their grief, even if it meant occasionally not expressing my thoughts or grief ( sometimes it was too hard for them to hear). 

So, I agree with the last 2 posts and you being there, being open to listen and encouraging her to voice her thoughts is great. As well, you can also let her know how you feel. I recognize that everyone grieves differently and on different timelines, but, your presence is always precious.

B

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Dear BSL,

My heart goes out to you. My condolences on the loss of your father. I feel that you actually have helped her by the conversation that you had. Often things are held inside like a rock in the chest and by talking with her and going over some beautiful moments and memories they had; she and you will slowly move forward in coping with her grieving. The only way to process such a huge loss is to feel the feelings. It’s ok that she is crying because it’s also not good for her told hold that in. It also honors their relationship. He’s a part of her and you and the soul feels it and weeps how it needs to. 

I do understand though how you feel worried and concerned about her, as I experience it daily with my Dad over two sibling losses and my Mother in critical condition. I worry about his stress and grief. He’s held his emotions in for years and now it’s pouring out of him. I do my best to remind myself it’s normal (for all of us) to have every emotion. Hard days and small successes at times. In the coming months things will change, shift forward, go backwards and move forward again. Just remind yourself that’s okay and it should be that way. You’re doing the right thing in being there to talk, hug, sit in silence, give space when needed, or remember good and bad times. There’s no wrong. You’re both exactly where you need to be in your process and I also say that as a reminder to myself too. 

So much love and prayers for you both

[Francine]

gregy26

Even though she is crying, she's actually healing.  I think of crying as a thundershower for the soul; after the rain, the air feels so wonderful; after a good cry, we too feel refresh. I would suggest you let her cry it out - if she does not, the grief will become a scream trapped inside her soul; a constant cry that can never be released.

After my Charles died, crying was part of my life; an everyday occurrence that I couldn't control.  The tears don't come so often now, but they still come. I let them come for I know I'm still being cleansed and my personal storm is the only way to release the pain.

Be there for her through the crying and know she is just growing and watering her soul.

[Azipod]

On 5/9/2018 at 7:58 PM, gregy26 said:

 

 

My dad just recently passed away a few weeks ago and after all the silent grieving, my mom has finally started to speak again. One night, she and I were having dinner together, just the two of us, and we got into the topic of her past with my dad. She told me how they first met through a new years party dating service event they both worked in and when they started talking, she knew that he was the one. They proceeded to have a wonderful dating period and soon later after that, they got into a married life together. She continued to tell me all about his accomplishments in life and how she’s so proud of him. She explained on and on how he was a great man and then started to cry.

 

Ever since the talk, she’s been crying every night before she goes to sleep. I feel bad that I might have brought up the topic and led her to open up some fresh wounds. I don’t know how to console people and I really want my mom to feel better. Can someone give me some advice on this?

You are doing the right things, Greg.  Just know that there is not ONE single thing you can do take away her pain.  However, there are many things you can do help her through this process.  And you will have to understand that this is a process.  It's not something that you will see a change in a week, months, or maybe the first year.  It will take A LOT of time.

You are already on the right track.  Since the passing of your father was only a few weeks ago, all of the emotions and feelings are quite intense.  The grief is very delibiating at this stage.   I would encourage you to continue that support for your mom by "just being there."   By just being there, being in her prescence, and just let her talk.   Your mom will cry, it will be painful.  But it is much less painful than if you were not there.      There is a saying.... "You will feel worst because you are feeling better."   That's true.  Grief goes up and down.  It is not a linear path that just gets easier and better day by day.   It's a freakin' roller coaster to say the least.

One of the biggest challenges about losing your partner is not having someone to confide in.   For you to just be there for your mother is going to help tremendously.