A year after...

[verückte16]

Hi everyone, 

I'm new here and I feel tonight like sharing my story (excuse my English). My mum died in may 2017 of leukemia. She was diagnosed 6 months before her death. I was still in high school and she went to the hospital for some blood tests. The doctors said they needed her to stay a few days more, then a week, then two... and then my dad told me she had cancer and that she needed to stay a month more for chemo. We celebrated Christmas at the hospital, then her birthday... She came home in January for a few days but couldn't go outside. She was so weak, I found myself helpless. I bought her flowers, but that was all I could do to make her smile. I had school so I couldn't spend much time with her. Then she went back to the hospital for another month (theoretically). They allowed her 2 months later to come home for 2 weeks, but idk why the punction she just had was so painful she couldn't walk. She was in such pain  and I was helpless. I had to change her dressings. I had a very important event on the night she came back, and she couldn't come, so she had to watch me dress and leave. A friend of mine has here too a while I was changing clothes, my mum apparently told her she was so proud of me and loved me so much... everytime I imagine her say that, I can't help but cry.  Less than a week after, the pain was so awful, my dad had to call an ambulance in the middle of the night, and I couldn't help but overhear my parents fighting and crying while waiting for the ambulance. That was a terrifying night. 

In less than a month her medical condition was worsening, and the sides effect were very difficult to handle for her, and for my family. She couldn't walk, and then she couldn't even use her arms and hands. She had to be fed an so on. She used to say that she never wished to live if she was a "vegetable". And unfortunately that was the case. I was very difficult for me to handle all the changes, parts of my family living abroad, I had to handle it with my father only. He needed a lot a support even though he never showed his sorrow. So every time I came back from school, I'd be all smiling and hearing him up. I never complained about our situation. Once I was so upset at the hospital, but I held my tears and waited until I was outside to cry. I never let anyone see how I was feeling. I kept it a secret from most of my friends. A few knew but I think they were afraid of the situation and never asked me about my feelings. They sometimes said I had mood swings and told me to be nicer to them (I can't really blame them)... 

And then I came back from school and did my homework (I remember that for once I was actually doing them haha). I was in a good mood. And my father came back and told me than the doctors had lost hope and that they were stopping the treatments. My mother had only a few days max to live. I remember everything about this night : I was always shaking and trying not to cry to much and the food tasted weird at diner. My dad was on the phone all night and I went to my room. I couldn't sleep. The waiting was the worst, I had stomach pain. I sent messages to some friends telling them the truth. They were really nice to me. 

The next day, we went to the hospital and there she was, lying on her bed, weirdly breathing. She wasn't conscious because of all the drugs to help her pass away peacefully. I was devastated. I stayed for an hour and went home. My father went to the airport and directly took my brothers to see my mother. I spent all day alone, sending texts to a friend. On the next day, I stayed with my brothers and after lunch went shopping with 2 friends. Afterwards I went to the hospital with my father, but it was too late. She had already passed away.

In a week it is her death anniversary. I still can't deal with it. I will be completely alone on that day and I feel lost. I'm scared to remind a friend that this is my mum's death anniversary so that he/she could spend the day with me. I'm afraid of all the silence. I know that besides my family nobody will remember. I can't blame my friends but still, I know that they will forget, cause that's how they are. And I am terribly afraid of being alone on that day. I don't feel the excruciable  pain I was feeling the first months after my mum's passing, but I wish I could feel that pain again. I'm so scared of how fast time flies and it's scary to say it's already been a year. It's so painful to think of all this time I spent without her being at my side. 

I really don't know how to cope with this... 

 

 

[reader]

Dear Veruckte16:

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's illness and everything you went through with your dad. It is horribly hard to understand how life could be so unfair. I know you miss your mum a lot and only want to honor and remember her on the first anniversary. I know its not always easy with family and friends. I, too, felt like I had no one I could ask to share the day with me. Please don't be afraid to tell friends and family that you would like to do something on that day. We will be here with you.

For my father, I went to his grave site to bring him flowers and his favorite coffee. I donated a small amount to his favorite charity. Other people have suggested writing a letter, or sending a note up in a balloon to the skies, lighting a candle, or planting a garden or tree. No matter how you chose to spend the day, what will matter is that you will be thinking of your mom.

It is hard knowing how fast time goes. And to make sense of this world. Remember to keep talking it out, keep writing and know that people love and care about you. There is help in the community and through church. I also found these websites full of people going through similar struggles that will understand.

What's Your Grief

Grief Healing Blog

Grief in Common

Tiny Buddha

Grief Recovery Method

GriefShare.Org

Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.