Hello again all

[ModHerc]

It has been a long time since I have posted.  I had some issues with people in my life that made it almost impossible for me to share my feelings here.  Most of those issues have been resolved now, and I wanted to let everyone here know that I am doing well.

I have been coping with the loss of my wife, and moving forward with my own life.  I still feel the weight of her loss daily.  I still shift my wedding band from my right hand to my left every night so that in my dreams I can still be married rather than widowed.  I still carry the heart that is my avatar with me at all times.  It was a gift I gave her on our first date, and she kept it on her bedside table every day that we were together.  It is a solid reminder that her heart is with me, and that mine is still with her.  I still tell her I love her every morning, and that I know she loves me.

But I have managed to move forward with my life as well.  I am buying a house, which is bittersweet because it is something I wanted to do with her, but the timing was never right.  I am making a lateral move at my work to a position that I think will be much less stressful and more rewarding.  I am engaging in new hobbies and behaviors that are letting me find some peace and happiness.  I still have the waves of emotions when I think about her, and cry frequently, although the nature of it has changed.  The crying is now more about not being able to share my life with her, and less about the agony of my loss.

I have found a way to coexist with my grief, at least for the moment.  I try to prepare myself for challenges and changes, all the while knowing that the preparations may not be enough to see me through the bad moments.  Those moments I take for what they are, a beautiful and painful reminder of how wonderful life is, was, and will be.  I let these moments happen, and then move on again, because it is what we have to do.

I am sorry I wasn't able to be here to help support this community for so long.  You are all truly wonderful people, who helped me at a very low point.  I hope you have all been well, and wish you all any peace and comfort you can find.

[KayC]

Herc,

I remember the heart, that is very special.  Congratulations on buying a house!  I like to think she realizes and will celebrate with you as you move in.  Coexisting with my grief is a term I coined years ago as I realized it helps to embrace rather than fight it and we do learn to live even while grieving, it's a part of us now.  If you're more comfortable with your ring on one finger or the other, nothing wrong with that, it's up to each of us how we handle that.  I had mine resized to be more comfortable but they got it a smidgen too big so I wear it on my right hand, otherwise it'd be on my left but the main thing is I can have it with me and find comfort in that.

Good luck with your hobbies and life as you move forward in peace and happiness!

[ModHerc]

KayC,

So good to hear from you again.  So much of your wisdom has stayed with me during this past year and a half.  I am so sorry about the loss of your sister.  I read the entire post and my heart broke for you.

I find I have issues with wearing my ring on my left hand in public, to me it represents something that is lost, or at least changed irrevocably.  But when I am alone I can put it where it will always belong in my heart.  You are so right that it is completely personal to each of us though.  Big hugs and wishing you all the peace and comfort you deserve in yet another difficult time in your life,

Herc

[Sunflower2]

26 minutes ago, Herc said:

It has been a long time since I have posted.  I had some issues with people in my life that made it almost impossible for me to share my feelings here.  Most of those issues have been resolved now, and I wanted to let everyone here know that I am doing well.

I have been coping with the loss of my wife, and moving forward with my own life.  I still feel the weight of her loss daily.  I still shift my wedding band from my right hand to my left every night so that in my dreams I can still be married rather than widowed.  I still carry the heart that is my avatar with me at all times.  It was a gift I gave her on our first date, and she kept it on her bedside table every day that we were together.  It is a solid reminder that her heart is with me, and that mine is still with her.  I still tell her I love her every morning, and that I know she loves me.

But I have managed to move forward with my life as well.  I am buying a house, which is bittersweet because it is something I wanted to do with her, but the timing was never right.  I am making a lateral move at my work to a position that I think will be much less stressful and more rewarding.  I am engaging in new hobbies and behaviors that are letting me find some peace and happiness.  I still have the waves of emotions when I think about her, and cry frequently, although the nature of it has changed.  The crying is now more about not being able to share my life with her, and less about the agony of my loss.

I have found a way to coexist with my grief, at least for the moment.  I try to prepare myself for challenges and changes, all the while knowing that the preparations may not be enough to see me through the bad moments.  Those moments I take for what they are, a beautiful and painful reminder of how wonderful life is, was, and will be.  I let these moments happen, and then move on again, because it is what we have to do.

I am sorry I wasn't able to be here to help support this community for so long.  You are all truly wonderful people, who helped me at a very low point.  I hope you have all been well, and wish you all any peace and comfort you can find.

@Herc just having you and Andy return if for only one post is meaningful, encouraging and supportive.  there are many points you touched that will present itself on my grief journey.  They will be bittersweet but I will remember this...as I move forward.  I love your share on your continued rituals! 

[ModHerc]

Sunflower2,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I'm glad you found your way to this forum though, because the people here truly are wonderful and an incredible support.  I read that you were struggling with plans for your anniversary.  My first (and only so far) one without her was of course difficult, especially because I also had to put down our cat that day.  I did something unusual that helped me though, I got myself a gift from her.  I was always good at giving her gifts, but never did the "classic" gifts.  You know 1st year paper, 2nd year cotton, all that.  Well I checked it out and last year would have been wool, so I got myself several pairs of wool hiking socks (we used to go on camping trips often).  I still feel comforted whenever I put them on.  Looking back at it, while there were a lot of tears on that day, the part that helped me was understanding that while things had changed, it could still be a day to celebrate the love we shared.  Hope you make it through that day and all the others as best you can,

Herc

[KayC]

Sunflower expressed it well, it's good having Andy and Herc here even if briefly.  Always good to connect with people we've befriended.  I think we draw especially close on this forum, moreso than if we met somewhere else as here is where we've poured out our hearts and souls, where we've been vulnerable, the connection is beyond words.

[Sunflower2]

On ‎5‎/‎5‎/‎2018 at 10:09 AM, Herc said:

Sunflower2,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I'm glad you found your way to this forum though, because the people here truly are wonderful and an incredible support.  I read that you were struggling with plans for your anniversary.  My first (and only so far) one without her was of course difficult, especially because I also had to put down our cat that day.  I did something unusual that helped me though, I got myself a gift from her.  I was always good at giving her gifts, but never did the "classic" gifts.  You know 1st year paper, 2nd year cotton, all that.  Well I checked it out and last year would have been wool, so I got myself several pairs of wool hiking socks (we used to go on camping trips often).  I still feel comforted whenever I put them on.  Looking back at it, while there were a lot of tears on that day, the part that helped me was understanding that while things had changed, it could still be a day to celebrate the love we shared.  Hope you make it through that day and all the others as best you can,

Herc

I'm enjoying these endearing little rituals you are sharing!  Today I planted a hanging plant.  I chose two identical deep purple blossom plants. They are planted in the center and will be one of my visuals during the summer of our connection.  Wayne did little gifts.  Loved them as they usually were all practical and wool socks were one frequent little gift. It's on my list to get a few new pairs and I'm going to combine the memory of the socks with the added "a gift from my dearest and best friend."  This is adding a positive thought instead of such an intense sad memory. I know sadness will accompany it but there will be an added feeling of "we still got this little thing going with gifts."  I'm into alot of first times so memories are very heavy and sad.   I know in time a smile will accompany a memory but for now...its what it is. Thanks Herc!

[KayC]

That's a great idea!

[Sunflower2]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

That's a great idea!

amazing when deep in the grief how sometimes a visual helps us surface for air, 

[ModHerc]

So I went to my mother-in-laws 80th birthday party today.  It was a celebration of her life, and very well done.  One of my sister-in-law’s hosted it.  They had a moon bounce for the young ones, some grand children, and some great grandchildren.  There was a nice bar set up in the garage.  Sleeping accommodations were available in RV’s for out of town guests.  The whole nine yards.

I saw many people who I hadn’t seen since the funeral.  I had a good time, and everyone was wonderful, but there was a deep underlying sadness to it all.  I was there as myself, because the people there truly do care for me, and I care for them, but today it felt like I was also a representative for what had been lost.

Pictures hung on the wall with my wife’s face.  It is hard to pick which ones disturbed me more.  The ones that I knew about that haunted my past, or the ones I hadn’t seen before that now could never be describe from my wife’s point of view.

Distant relatives walked by me.  I couldn’t remember some of their names, but they had her features.  Her eyes, her nose, her laugh.  They held a glass the same way she did.  They served deviled eggs with no paprika, which I always told her was unnatural.  They were a magnificent jig saw puzzle, but the last piece was missing.

Anyone there would have helped me, and I would have done the same for them.  Instead we exchanged polite conversation, knowing that none of us could be that missing piece.  The puzzle would remain unsolved.

She should have been there tonight.  She should have been the first one in line for a piece of cake.  She should have told me the name of that uncle I couldn’t place.  She should have been in the picture with her Mom, the children, grand children, and great grand children.

Instead I had to walk alone through neighborhoods I didn’t know.  I had to keep in the tears and wonder what that uncles name was, and if I could find it in the guest book from the funeral.  I had to look at the pictures on the wall and realize there would never be any more of her.

Today held a lot of tears that never fell.  My eyes got misty on those walks.  A lot of hands moved to peoples faces when they turned away from me.  The sky was cloudy, but the moon bounce stayed dry so the kids could play.

None of this is fair for any of us.  For me, for her, for the relatives, or for you who are reading this.  It isn’t fair for those who feel this, and it isn’t fair for those who haven’t yet but will one day.

In the end though I feel grateful to be a part of it.  I am honored to have been invited to the party.  I am humbled by the loss I have shared with her family.  I am a part of the grief stricken.  And if I weren’t, it would mean I hadn’t had the chance to know my wife and love her the way I do.

I am greatful for those of you who have read this.  Today was a hard day, but it held so much truth for me.  I am glad that some people can hear it, and maybe think I am crazy, but at least understand why.  Thank you all for being there,

Herc

[KayC]

Oh Herc,

That sounds so hard, I don't know how you did it.  But I suppose you did it partly for her.  My husband's family disappeared on me after he died so I'm glad your wife's family is including of you.  I've never heard of anyone going to this extent, something for the children to have fun with, a bar, motor homes for people to sleep in, wow!  It sounds like quite a deal.  And all of the pictures of your wife.  It does sound like a bittersweet time.

[Sunflower2]

11 hours ago, Herc said:

In the end though I feel grateful to be a part of it.  I am honored to have been invited to the party.  I am humbled by the loss I have shared with her family.  I am a part of the grief stricken.  And if I weren’t, it would mean I hadn’t had the chance to know my wife and love her the way I do.

I am greatful for those of you who have read this.  Today was a hard day, but it held so much truth for me.  I am glad that some people can hear it, and maybe think I am crazy, but at least understand why.  Thank you all for being there,

beautiful share Herc!

[Michelene]

"They were a magnificent jig saw puzzle, but the last piece was missing."  what a fitting image. 

 

[Azipod]

On 5/5/2018 at 6:05 AM, Herc said:

I have been coping with the loss of my wife, and moving forward with my own life.  I still feel the weight of her loss daily.  I still shift my wedding band from my right hand to my left every night so that in my dreams I can still be married rather than widowed.  I still carry the heart that is my avatar with me at all times.  It was a gift I gave her on our first date, and she kept it on her bedside table every day that we were together.  It is a solid reminder that her heart is with me, and that mine is still with her.  I still tell her I love her every morning, and that I know she loves me.

But I have managed to move forward with my life as well.  I am buying a house, which is bittersweet because it is something I wanted to do with her, but the timing was never right.  I am making a lateral move at my work to a position that I think will be much less stressful and more rewarding.  I am engaging in new hobbies and behaviors that are letting me find some peace and happiness.  I still have the waves of emotions when I think about her, and cry frequently, although the nature of it has changed.  The crying is now more about not being able to share my life with her, and less about the agony of my loss.

Herc, thanks for sharing the new developments in your life.  It's so nice to here from others on how despite the loss, other areas of their life is picking up.  It's wonderful.  But you are absolutely correct.  I think the pain these days, is the disappointment on how we can't share our new accomplishments or new adventures with our partner.... especially when there's an event of significance.    These days, I too don't cry because of the loss.... but I do so because of the feeling of missing them and not having them here.

For the longest time, I've been trying to figure out what to do with my ring and I still wear it.... proudly to say the least.    I had the thought about wearing it as a necklace.... but I also like the idea about wearing it on the right hand.   Do you know what it means to wear it on the right hand?   I might just try this and see how I feel about it.   I truly feel that it belongs on my left hand, but I have many decades left and I know I can't leave it there forever.

Thanks again for sharing your story!

[ModHerc]

Hi Azipod,

There are a lot of conventions regarding the right hand.  Currently the most commonly acknowledged/accepted is that gay and lesbian couples wear them there.  Other countries and cultures frequently interchange the right and left hand convention, notably in Russia, India, Greece, and Spain.  Sometimes single women will buy themselves a ring and wear it on the right hand as a sign of independence.  There is also a lot of established history supporting bereaved spouses wearing the ring on the other hand.

I haven’t encountered anyone who mistook the practice in my case, but I am prepared and comfortable to deal with it if it were to be misinterpreted.  I understand if people aren’t comfortable with doing it themselves though.  As with everything in our grief I would suggest that each individual should do what feels right for them.  In my case the right hand feels right for now.

I am coming to a changing point on that front though.  My new job has quite a bit of hands on, in the field work with concrete.  In order to protect and preserve the ring I may need to stop wearing it, at least while on the job.  Taking it off and putting it back on that frequently opens up the possibilities of losing it, so I may end up leaving it at home.  I’m just not entirely sure at this point, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

[Sunflower2]

1 hour ago, Herc said:

I’m just not entirely sure at this point, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

the best we can all do...:)

[KayC]

I hadn't heard that about gay people wearing them on the right hand.  I'm going to my niece's gay wedding next month, I'll observe where their rings go.

It's common for widowed people to continue wearing them or to switch them to the right hand.  I also know many that wear them as a necklace.  Whatever feels right to you.  I wear my wedding ring on my right hand because when I had it resized, they went overboard so that's where it fits best.  I find comfort in wearing and looking at it and remembering the day we exchanged our vows.

[ModHerc]

Today IS a good day.  I am no longer a dispatcher.  There were no phone calls asking me to fix someone else’s problem.  There was no one asking me to help them find their way.  There were no questions about what someone else should do, so I got to ask myself some questions for a change.

I asked myself what she would want me to do.  It is a question I have asked before, but not in the same way.  I have asked on a very big scale, “what would she want for me in this life”?  And the answer to that is simple, she would want me to be happy.  I have asked on a very small scale, “should I get out of bed this morning”?  The answer is equally simple.  Get out of bed and go to work you idiot (I told you she liked to call me an idiot from time to time).

What I hadn’t asked myself before was how I should go about it.  What I could do to get from the misery of “now” to the happiness of “then”. What I came up with is that the now and the then are one in the same.  The pain of the “now” will always be with me.  But unless I choose to block it, the happiness of “then” will be there too.  Then is one heck of a word.

Then is the past, and also the future.  Then is always, except for right now.  But now, the now is also then.  By the time you read this, my now is already the past, the “then”.  What I need, what I deserve, and what I will plan for and enjoy is a now that embraces then.

Then was, and will be beautiful.  I was with her, I will be with her, and I AM still with her.  Now is hard, but it is nothing compared to then.  Now cannot rob me of my love for her.  Now cannot stop her from influencing me.  Now has no choice in the matter, it was then, and it will be again.

Change is scary, yet it will happen whether we want it to or not.  I am choosing to embrace change, but realize that the more things change, the more they remain the same.  I have a new job, she would be so happy to see me less stressed.  I will have a new home.  Home is where the heart is, so I am sure she will be there.

I will contemplate the big things and manage the little things, and I will plan for the things in between.  I will set up the direct withdrawals and deposits like she used to.  I will keep the warranties in alphabetical files.  I will make sure the contractors are liscenced, bonded, and insured rather than paying a buddy in beer to rewire the lighting.

These mundane details seem so trivial, and yet they are important.  She would want me to live well, and she knew somethings about living that I didn’t.  My buddy knows how to rewire the lights, but if the house burns down, he isn’t going to pay off the loan.  The warranties are useless, right up until you need them.  When you get the direct deposits and withdrawals right, the stress of dealing with the bills goes away.  More importantly than any of that, she lives on through me.

Paying the bills or filing the paperwork isn’t as emotional as wanting to hold her one more time.  It isn’t as lasting as saying my soul entwined with hers and created a bond that will last for eternity.  It is however a good way to get through Tuesday.

I prefer the abstract concepts, there is more beauty than banality in them.  At the same point the banality results in the beauty to some degree.  This may be a boring post to many of you, if it is I apologize.  I felt the need to share it though because simply making it through the day can be a beautiful thing, both now and then.  Hoping your now has some pleasant parts of then in it,

Herc

[KayC]

You're a deep thinker.  I haven't thought in terms of "then" being any time but now, yet now is all we have...yet "then" is part of who we are too.  You're right, paying the bills isn't emotional to deal with, mundane tasks can be gotten through quite easily.  

I'm glad you're finding some relief in no longer being a dispatcher.  I felt relief when I retired...I was no longer responsible for someone else's problems, fixing their life, etc. (ex-boss).  I had just me to worry about.  Until I signed on for some volunteer work (doing the Church Treasurer, book volunteering at the Senior Site, leading a Grief Support Group, in addition to being on the Worship Team, which I already did).  But these activities are of my choosing, not something I "have" to do, big difference!  I'm glad what you're planning on doing will be less stressful.