Four and a half months later - my raw experience

[lovingstill]

I've been reflecting lately on my beloved's passing on November 17th, 2017. In the immediate days right after his death, I was in shock. I spent that weekend with a friend I had just made that summer through work - I'd just moved across the country, WITH HIM, for HIS career. I didn't cry at all the first two days. The night he died, I called his parents and had to tell them that he had passed. When they asked what happened, I also had to tell them I didn't know. Because I didn't know, and we still don't really know. Because I found him unconscious and he never came back after that. Because I called 911 but even the one hour he lived after they came wasn't enough to bring him back to me.

I called my dad and asked him to please come. He was on the east coast. He said he couldn't because the flight was too long (6 hours) and it was impossible to find an immediate one. He found a bereavement fare that night for the following morning and was with me about 24 hours after the love of my life passed away. I had my dad sleep alone in our home because I couldn't stay there, not right after he died, not on the following night. I couldn't return to that reality. I finally came back Sunday morning (he died Friday night) and a part of me was so hoping that he would be there to open the door. But it was my dad, coming to the door that was only home to us for a few months before my dear beloved passed away.

I immediately went to the room where he died - the guest room - and fed HIS pet, the bearded dragon (he had it for years, it preceded me). I got on my knees to put the dried mealworms in, and I felt an instant rush of grief come over me. It was as if I was hit in the gut by the most soul shattering thing possible. I decided I couldn't keep the pet because the pain was too much to bear. At that same moment, his sister called me and told me that I can't give the pet away...that if I didn't want it, she did. We hadn't yet spoken since he passed. That was our first conversation since he left us - a conversation about the custody of his reptile.

In the days immediately following, I didn't eat. I couldn't. Part of me had died with him; part of me is still dead, it always will be. I made the decision, in a haze, to return back to the east coast to be with my family - taking a leave from my job, without pay, leaving everything I had just gotten to know, behind...returning, at 29, to live with my parents, after moving out at 17.

When I came back east, I spent most days sleeping the whole day. When I wasn't sleeping, I was crying. I saw a grief therapist who just didn't seem to understand what I was going through, and I tried really hard because everyone told me it would help, to really use his service. Eventually, it became clear that at the time, I wasn't quite ready for that grief support, and that it wasn't precisely what I needed at the time. I kept it as part of my routine because it gave me something to "look forward to," something planned every week. He forgot one of our sessions; that nearly destroyed that. On that day, I'm embarrassed to say, I was in the most suicidal mode possible, and I had told nobody. I took a bunch of stuff I had and hoped to never wake up, hoped to be found in my bed after everyone came home from work. Well, that didn't work. Not only did it not work, a medicine that usually helps me sleep, didn't even let me sleep...it was almost as if I was being stopped from beyond. I was numb, though, so there were no tears for the rest of that day. I decided to talk to a counselor about this and get their support because I didn't think I'd ever come out of this depression or grief state. We agreed that I wasn't ready to go to work yet but that I should think about doing something during the day, a few days a week. I thought about things I could do, thought about tutoring, thought about maybe volunteering. I was still crying every day so I knew my time span for anything I did wasn't more than two hours.

 

About two weeks later, a month after his passing,   I got violently ill. I didn't cause it. We don't know what did. I told the doctors I thought it was just broken heart syndrome (yes, this is a thing) as my heart was beating crazily out of control and I was being monitored by cardiologists in the hospital.  While I was in the hospital, I very clearly heard his voice say, "Don't worry, I'm here." < - That's a different story altogether but it's how I discovered things about myself that have helped me along this grief journey.

But I'd also developed ulcers, and I was bleeding internally. I was really nervous because we hadn't had his service yet, and I was worried that if I was so sick, I'd have to miss his service...which was half way across the country.  Four days later, almost magically, all of those symptoms went away - with only fluids and some prescription painkillers as medical intervention. They weaned me off of all of that before sending me home and referred me out to a hospital specialist for urgent follow-up, but by the time I got the referral, all of my labs were normal. There was nothing wrong with me, nothing that would indicate  anything wrong with me.

 

When I came back from his service, I received a phone call from someone who randomly saw my resume who wondered if I wanted to interview. I didn't think I was ready, but I also thought it was odd that someone I never contacted would contact me with a potential job offer, so I ran with it. I started the job a week and a half after the phone call and a week after the interview. I wasn't ready but it felt right. I was crying less at home. My parents were talking down to me for "extending" my grief, not understanding what I was going through. I had to stop crying because I couldn't cry in front of them. I could only cry at night, in the morning, in the shower.

Since his passing November 17th, there are many times I've wished to die to be closer to him. I think that's important to say. Yes, I have gotten help. Yes, I have gotten support, but I think it's important to validate that these are real experiences that some of us go through. Therapists, friends, family, grief support groups - you name it, I've done it. That doesn't make the pain any less, that doesn't make him come back. We didn't just lose our car keys, we lost *everything.* There have been times when I've looked up ways to do it (my unsuccessful time was one of those, I'm thinking at this point that no matter what I do, it wouldn't work anyway, but I'm also in an okay place right now). I've heard from many people that my life has to go on, and I understand that - but my life can go on *AND* still have him in it. My life can go on, and that doesn't mean I have to ignore the reality, which consists of the crap cards I've been dealt.

 

I used to go to sleep every night wishing that I would die in my sleep. Now, a couple of weeks away from the 5 month mark, I go to sleep hoping I'll see him in my dreams. That's progress, but I couldn't have gotten there if I didn't first experience the very real pain that losing him caused me. I thought I couldn't have a job. I have a job, and the best part of it is - I am not anyone's sob story there. People don't have to know unless I tell them, and there are people I've told, but people don't look at me with pity, wishing they could do something.

Up to a couple of weeks ago, I had lost all hopes of ever obtaining a PhD because well, I'm old, but also - because it doesn't matter without him. That, too, has changed.

I would be lying if I said there weren't days I still wish I was dead, when the grief is so unbearable that all I want to do is just fall asleep and never wake up,  but my wish is more about reuniting with the love of my life than it is about ending my own stay here. I don't believe I owe anyone but myself this life  (not my parents, not future unborn children, not my friends); I don't (and shouldn't have to) live for others, I live for me, and while...yes, I'd rather be with him, I also want to see what, if anything, can come from this tragedy. And I already feel like it's a lot.

 

[Lisaislost]

Wow! That was such an emotional post. Our losses are only weeks apart so it was interesting to read about your journey. I’m glad you have made it to a place where you can look ahead and see tomorrow. I remember when i had that feeling and i was ready to look ahead. Good luck with your job, it sounds like a gift and a distraction. 

 

 

[Azipod]

Lovingstill -- The initial months of your journey in grief was expressed beautifully.   It's really surprising to see how each of us take on a ton of new challenges after losing our partner.  It's not just the loss and the grief, but it's also everything else that comes with it!   You've pulled through and yes, I know about those dark moments or days where I just want to plop down and die.   Hang in there.  Keep your senses and awareness open.  Be open minded.  Who knows what's next to come?   But yeah, boy....  all of us is like you... we'd give anything to see our loved ones again.

[KayC]

lovingstill,

Your post is very important...it shows what you've been through and it is validating to each person going through it.  It also points hope in this sea of hopelessness.  I really wish you well with your new job.  Try to be real around your parents, even if they don't understand, how could they, they haven't been through it, but your feelings are so valid.  I haven't tried to commit suicide but the thoughts have come many many times.  I've learned my darkest hours are in the night when he should be sleeping next to me but isn't...somehow things look better to me in the daytime, even if not great, still alone, but not as bleak either.  I still fight the sleep problems, but I've gotten four good nights sleep in the last week, I think that's a record!

[Sunflower2]

@lovingstill  A beautiful share from the heart...from your soul...I'm in awe!  So inspiring!  Even with the profound loss and pain you share the experience of the integrating of grief and love.  The lightness that walks next to the darkness in grief.  Our journey.  Even in raw pain you're teaching all who are on this path and those who haven't even experienced this grief.  Not that that is your intent but its happening and that too is a good thing!  Thank you!

[lovingstill]

I mean, there are many, MANY, sad days. There are MANY days when looking at his picture or hearing his voice (on a recording) make me break down, but there's also some hope that he's somewhere better than where I currently am. I can't imagine there can be any more suffering than the suffering we suffer while on the earth plane.

I gave his eulogy and sang at his funeral, and I think about that a lot - how did I even have the strength to do that? I can't think of any way but to say that he must have been helping me do it...

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Lovingstill, 

I hold on to that too. That our loved ones are in a better place...That they are safe and not in pain. My sincere condolences on the loss of your partner. I came across your post in the activity thread and it struck me. I am the same amount of months in my grief journey as you and identify with a lot of feelings you shared in your original post. Also, on your latest above post too. That is such a beautiful way to honor your loved one (by giving the eulogy and singing). At both times when my two brothers passed and I was the one in the family to choose urns, prayer cards and plan the funerals, I felt my brothers strength and spirits with me. I truly feel they are on the other side watching over us and that the bond shared cannot be spiritually broken. It doesn’t take away the grief, but it does give me comfort. I hope it gives you comfort too. 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, lovingstill said:

I gave his eulogy and sang at his funeral

I wish I could have heard it.  A friend of mine sang at her husband's funeral, a song he'd requested ahead of time, I don't know how she did it, it was called "God will take care of you", I think it was his message to her.  Now she's passed too and they're together.

I know not everyone here is Christian, but it's what I am and the Bible says there will be no more suffering, no more pain, so my hope is in what's to come.

[lovingstill]

On 4/6/2018 at 11:32 AM, KayC said:

I wish I could have heard it.  A friend of mine sang at her husband's funeral, a song he'd requested ahead of time, I don't know how she did it, it was called "God will take care of you", I think it was his message to her.  Now she's passed too and they're together.

I know not everyone here is Christian, but it's what I am and the Bible says there will be no more suffering, no more pain, so my hope is in what's to come.

I sang "Make you Feel My Love"

And yes, I know there's so much more waiting for us - and it's way better where he is than where we are.

[KayC]

I heard a song on my other grief site this morning, it hit me deeply, but I don't think I could bring George back from heaven, it wouldn't seem right just because I am suffering...I'll join him soon...well, it could be years, but like I said, our time here is quick compared to eternity...not quick enough maybe!

Here's the song...

 

[Michelene]

On 4/4/2018 at 5:15 PM, lovingstill said:

I would be lying if I said there weren't days I still wish I was dead, when the grief is so unbearable that all I want to do is just fall asleep and never wake up,  but my wish is more about reuniting with the love of my life than it is about ending my own stay here.

Lovingstill: what a moving post, all of it, not just what I quoted. Because of my job, my office mate and I have had numerous conversations about suicide and our thoughts on it. I should thank him one day--those conversations helped solidify my beliefs and some days I have to reach back into that and hold on. There are some days that feel very close, and I am glad I have found (on this board and others) that these feelings are very common. 

I am still struggling, but going to work everyday, doing the necessary paperwork that needs to be done in these situations, making choices, still reaching out to people when I feel I need to. But still lost, overall. Still yearning to turn back time. I miss him so. 

Thank you for your post. We lost our spouses about the same time. 

and thank you, KayC, for that beautiful song.

[lovingstill]

On 4/11/2018 at 2:15 AM, Michelene said:

Lovingstill: what a moving post, all of it, not just what I quoted. Because of my job, my office mate and I have had numerous conversations about suicide and our thoughts on it. I should thank him one day--those conversations helped solidify my beliefs and some days I have to reach back into that and hold on. There are some days that feel very close, and I am glad I have found (on this board and others) that these feelings are very common. 

I am still struggling, but going to work everyday, doing the necessary paperwork that needs to be done in these situations, making choices, still reaching out to people when I feel I need to. But still lost, overall. Still yearning to turn back time. I miss him so. 

Thank you for your post. We lost our spouses about the same time. 

and thank you, KayC, for that beautiful song.

I have no doubt that I will struggle over losing him every day for the rest of my life.

For those that tell me life has to go on, my life IS going on. But it won't go on without him. There is no greater love than the one we had, and I look forward to being reunited.

[Azipod]

On 4/15/2018 at 9:22 AM, lovingstill said:

I have no doubt that I will struggle over losing him every day for the rest of my life.

For those that tell me life has to go on, my life IS going on. But it won't go on without him. There is no greater love than the one we had, and I look forward to being reunited.

At 9.5 months, I've finally had an epiphany and realized that it's so much easier to just not care.  So that's how I live my life these days.   I don't want to be happy.   I don't want to get better.  I don't want to smile, and I don't want to go out and do things for myself.  Because doing so requires so much damn energy and the bottom line is that it's not want I want.   What I wanted in my life was to spend time with my wife.  And since I can't do that, there's no reason for me to expend all of this energy to try to turn my life into something that it's not!      That's why, it's just so much easier to just go on each day, do what I have to do, but have lowered expectations and just float by.   Forget about exercise.  Forget about health.   Just do whatever.   In other words, I'm just treading water until it's my time to go.   Let's just hope that's not going to be too far in the future.

[Skywise]

4 hours ago, Azipod said:

At 9.5 months, I've finally had an epiphany and realized that it's so much easier to just not care.  So that's how I live my life these days.   I don't want to be happy.   I don't want to get better.  I don't want to smile, and I don't want to go out and do things for myself.  Because doing so requires so much damn energy and the bottom line is that it's not want I want.   What I wanted in my life was to spend time with my wife.  And since I can't do that, there's no reason for me to expend all of this energy to try to turn my life into something that it's not!      That's why, it's just so much easier to just go on each day, do what I have to do, but have lowered expectations and just float by.   Forget about exercise.  Forget about health.   Just do whatever.   In other words, I'm just treading water until it's my time to go.   Let's just hope that's not going to be too far in the future.

Azipod , I feel exactly the same.  I'm just coming up to 6 months since I lost Clive (173 days) and, although the fog is starting to lift now, I just don't care about anything anymore. I get up everyday, breathe in and out and go to bed again.  That's it really.  The other night I was watching some daft film on TV and, for the first time, I laughed at something which immediately turned into a weeping fit.  I know we're supposed to give ourselves permission to laugh but I just can't do that.

I've started smoking again. Everyone is nagging me to give up again - I hadn't smoked for 15 years - or take up vaping because it's better for me than smoking but, to be honest, if smoking takes the years off my life that they say it does well .......good.

It's Clive's birthday today so I know I'm more emotional than usual but the basic facts remain the same.  I just want to get off this treadmill.

[KayC]

I can't talk either one of you into feeling better, no one can.  I can't likely talk you into trying, or into not smoking.  But smoking...that's not a good way to go.  Just a thought...

[Tineke H]

Azipod, Skywise, The first year after Steve died I felt like you are feeling now.What is the point of living, what is the point of anything???

But now after nearly two years I am starting to feel different.There is some light appearing into my life.Tomorrow I am going on Holidays all on my own; to a place where Steve and I have never been, to a place where I do not know anybody.It will be a challenge and I will have to interact with people, otherwise I will have a miserable time.

I dont like the way I have felt since Steve died.I hate the feeling of desperation and sadness.I hate the feeling of loneliness.I will do anything to feel different, to feel 'better'.

Skywise,I am thinking of you today.Those firsts are very painful.I have had already 2 of Steve's birthdays.I try to do something special.Get friends over and toast on him, talk about him.

[Azipod]

6 hours ago, Skywise said:

I've started smoking again. Everyone is nagging me to give up again - I hadn't smoked for 15 years - or take up vaping because it's better for me than smoking but, to be honest, if smoking takes the years off my life that they say it does well .......good.

It's Clive's birthday today so I know I'm more emotional than usual but the basic facts remain the same.  I just want to get off this treadmill.

Skywise....  Sending you love and strength so that you can make it through today.    I'm not a fan of smoking... but if it floats your boat, go right ahead.   We will all die one day anyway.   Why does everyone believe that life has to be filled with happiness and must be prolonged?   I've already experienced happiness and I've already met my soulmate.   I've already fulfilled that chapter of my life.   It's time for me to go.   The question now is how long God, or Source, wants me to suffer by keeping me here, alone each day.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Azipod said:

Why does everyone believe that life has to be filled with happiness and must be prolonged?

I guess that's their hope.  I want to live long enough to take care of my dog and cat and see my grandchildren grow but other than that I'd be happy to go any time.  I do NOT want to live into my 90s like my family does.  But neither do I want to lose quality of life, my sister has COPD from smoking, she wheezes, I don't want that.  besides, I have Athsma, so no smoke for me!  But I respect other's wishes and choices and if that's what they want, more power to them.

My other sister just died...she'd likely be alive if she wasn't a smoker.  But I can't blame her either...she was quadriplegic and limited with what she could do...smoking was something she enjoyed, so was reading, so that was HER choice.  They didn't expect her to live two years past her accident and she lived 50 years beyond it.  She didn't want to die but I'm sure she didn't want another ten years of this either.

The "suffering" evolves, when we put in our grief work and believe me, it is effort and work, we can develop a life we can live and even have good moments here and there.  I guess that's what everyone wants for us, that being as we have to be here, that it be as good as it possibly can...understanding it will never be like it was "before".  

The last two nights I dreamed of George, in my dreams he was not dead, we had ordinary time together and it was wonderful...when I woke up I replayed it all in my mind and savored that time with him.

[Sunflower2]

we all find what works to keep that connection as we work to move forward knowing it will be different.  Accepting something different is our new reality of moving forward.  We work so hard to find this normal and I get frustrated as many do because all this hard work for something I don't want without him.  I'm here. I'm living so my option is to work it.  I just move in baby steps and sometimes there are parts of the day or a day I will stay totally curled up with a book detached from what is happening in the real world. I'm finding those days are not as frequent or as long but they still are emotionally and physically needed.

I have 4 candles I burn continuously when home and during the night.  Initially I wasn't feeling a connection with Wayne.  Now those candles carry his energy.  As I get ready in the morning I take moments during my routine and stop and have a conversation with him.  Yes I sit, lean into the candle and simply create.  I don't move through each candle.  I space the candle conversations.  I don't move from one to the next.  Sometimes its a passionate I love you!  Sometimes its a desperate I cant do this without you so please stay with me.......naturally the communication varies.  I found this to center me in a stronger place before I walk out the door. The need to do this is strong. in time I may have a need to have a conversation with just one candle....and than one day maybe the grief and love is integrated that that I wont need this ritual...its a process.....