Things get difficult moving forward

[yuyu]

Good day to All,

I'm having difficult these days and slowly getting depressed again. I found out that some of the relatives of my wife got mad at me because of the things that I'm doing like going out in nature, buying shoes regularly and going back to the place where it all happen, they interpret this action as if I'm having fun now in my life that I already moved on too quickly the sad truth about this is I heard it through my back but the most depressing part is they think that I don't have plan for  the death anniversary, my plan is to be with her family in the cemetery offer some flowers and prayers but her relatives the aunties and uncles wants it to be a party they are asking me to print shirts and prepare colorful balloons and I declined it and that is where the hate starts, in my own opinion. Did I make the correct decision and follow my plan? And I feel that they don't want me to move on? I don't have problems with my father and mother in law just the other relatives.  

[LoveGoli]

Nothing wrong or right in this journey. Do whatever makes you happy or at least fine. When we cry , we are alone , no body there to console us or be with us so I don't care about anyone now so do what you want to do and don't care about anyone. Its just my thoughts. 

[Tineke H]

Hi Yuyu, Try to stay true to yourself.With that I mean that you have to follow your own heart, you have to do what is right and meaningful to you.I would not go as far as saying : "Ignore the aunties and uncles', but it is your wife who has died and you are in the middle of a long and painful grieving process.You grieve in your way and nobody can tell you how you should do it.A party with balloons and printed t-shirts is not something that would spring to mind immediately when I would plan the first death anniversary, but that is a personal thing.If that had been what you wanted to do, do it.But if it is the relatives then I would suggest don't do it.

And you going out into nature and buying new shoes! So what!!!That does not mean that you are not grieving your wife, that does not mean that you have already forgotten about her, that does not mean that you are over her.

Look into your own heart and if what you see is good then keep doing what you are doing.You decide how you want to go through this process.Not your relatives.

 

 

 

[KayC]

Yuyu,

I'm so sorry her relatives are judging you where they have no right to nor perception to.  When you declined to make the shirts, etc., did you offer them any explanation?  Instead of them thinking you're just not cooperative or caring, perhaps it'd help if they understood we all have to grieve our own way and you really aren't up to the gaiety.  Regardless of whether they have it within them to understand or not, I hope you are able to go forward with your plans for the anniversary of death YOUR way, and I'm glad her mother and father aren't part of the way the others are treating you.

Hell, I have over 100 pairs of shoes, I've bought them all since George died, my reasons are my own and no one else's business!  It has nothing to do with how much I miss my husband and grieve him!  And as for nature, it helps me tremendously, I LIVE among nature, it is the pathway to my soul, it is what helps center me and bring things back into perspective, nothing to find fault with!!  I guess all you can do is let go of their ill feelings, it doesn't sound like they have your best at heart.  Do what you need to do for YOU.  Your wife would applaud that.

[yuyu]

Guys,

I have a question. I know almost everyone here are married, what do you think I should do with my wedding ring? Still wearing it everyday. thanks

[Tineke H]

Oh Yuyu, What can I say??Keep wearing it of course!!Your relationship with your wife did not die when she died.

[KayC]

As long as you feel comfort from wearing it, do so!  My ring wasn't fitting right so wasn't able to wear it for a long time, I finally paid the $285 to have it enlarged and am so glad I did!  A friend made a snide remark about me wearing my wedding ring, I told her it wasn't her business and it brought me comfort as a reminder of the best day of my life and of the only one who ever truly loved me.  Our rings will always be special to me!

[Michelene]

I wear mine and my husbands. He took it off before getting stented and was unable to put it back on. I kept it and wear both on the same finger--my smaller one keeps his larger one in place. 

[Sunflower2]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

As long as you feel comfort from wearing it, do so!  My ring wasn't fitting right so wasn't able to wear it for a long time, I finally paid the $285 to have it enlarged and am so glad I did!  A friend made a snide remark about me wearing my wedding ring, I told her it wasn't her business and it brought me comfort as a reminder of the best day of my life and of the only one who ever truly loved me.  Our rings will always be special to me!

I'm thinking of creating a new ring! A solid gold band!  Simple. I wish they could some how put a sprinkle of his ashes in it. I don't know why and I don't care why.  People don't have to understand grief but making a comment like that to you is rude.  Lacks compassion and understanding!

[KayC]

She'd lost her husband as well but we all react different to it, she never did any grief work, didn't go to a counselor, wouldn't go to a forum, didn't journal, didn't read the books or articles...she tried to avoid it by dating and she's remarried now.  I can understand trying to circumvent it, I just never saw that it worked, the grief is still there bottled up inside, waiting for you to deal with it.  At least the person she married was also widowed so would understand.

I've heard they can incorporate some of the ashes, you might talk to a jeweler about it.

[Sunflower2]

26 minutes ago, KayC said:

She'd lost her husband as well but we all react different to it, she never did any grief work, didn't go to a counselor, wouldn't go to a forum, didn't journal, didn't read the books or articles...she tried to avoid it by dating and she's remarried now.  I can understand trying to circumvent it, I just never saw that it worked, the grief is still there bottled up inside, waiting for you to deal with it.  At least the person she married was also widowed so would understand.

I've heard they can incorporate some of the ashes, you might talk to a jeweler about it.

I've seen people handle grief as you shared. eventually as we learn it is toxic if w don't allow ourselves to pass through it.  That explains her anger in her comment to you!!!!!!

yes I agree with your share on jeweler

[BSL]

On 3/28/2018 at 8:47 PM, yuyu said:

Guys,

I have a question. I know almost everyone here are married, what do you think I should do with my wedding ring? Still wearing it everyday. thanks

I still wear mine and I don't care what anyone else thinks. It is absolutely up to you Yuyu. I truly believe the right thing to do is what you feel is right for you alone. When my wife died, I had my wedding band engraved (see photo). 

All the rituals and habits we continue help us through the trauma. The dress my wife was supposed to wear the "last" time we went for a hospital appointment (she never came home), but was too weak to put on, still resides on the bed. I faithfully put it back each time after washing the bed linen. Is that weird? For sure it is, and that's why I don't tell people, but it makes me feel connected to her, so as long as I need to, I will continue the ritual.

Enough people have disappointed me with their reactions, that I don't waste energy caring about that anymore. 

Do what your wife would tell you to do, Yuyu.

[Lisaislost]

I love your ring. 

I can’t  wear my husband band. He was 6’6 with huge hands. I was thinking of getting it made into an infinity necklace or letting my daughters use it to make simple gold bands when they get married. I’m sure we can make 2 from it. For now, it resides next to his ashes. 

My ring, i will wear forever. We picked it out together and designed it together. My heart is still married to my husband so it will stay as long as i want. Nobody better ever judge me for that. 

[KayC]

I am leaving my husband's ring to my son and my ring to my daughter even though it won't fit and they wouldn't likely wear them if they did, it's a remembrance of a beautiful love.

[Sunflower2]

I'm enjoying these shares.  The ring is such a beautiful piece @BSL   I say whatever rituals bring us a calm and a connection we do! Anyone else's thoughts or opinions questioning my behavior I'd ignore.  I move through different rituals.  They seem to rotate as my moods fluctuate.  Its like a wheel. These rituals move in different places on the wheel as I'm taking and hanging on to whatever they may represent to me at that moment of need and comfort.

 

 

[Sunflower2]

I'm noticing that as the weeks turn into months the support contacts are really going to be up to us individually.  It isn't that invites haven't been extended it's the "where do I really need to be."  I know we have to do what is best for us but sometimes staying home is all I need.  The feelings are mixed.  I want to do something that is new yet familiar and comfortable with sparks of fun.  I never did feel that zest with holiday gatherings other then Thanksgiving so I can't see myself getting into it now.  Thanksgiving I did go out and try a new ritual without Wayne.  That was a big Holiday step out.  The only one though that felt necessary to do. so today I guess I drift through the day as best I can knowing the work week/routine starts tomorrow.   Thanksgiving I had  pick up.  If the one casual gathering was closer I'd probably do a drop in. That group is the comfy casual sweatpants gathering. Total natural and earthy. The other IS closer but very formal, at a country club with people I do not know other than the distanced acquaintance hosting it.  I'm not into being formal.  The 3rd choice today is me.  and last but not least the low air tire light is on.  Something I should have taken care of yesterday but let it go....usually I'm good for a few days even longer but had Wayne too for all tire issues and backup.  I wouldn't mind hearing how others worked through their holiday.

[KayC]

I spent Easter alone, I spent Christmas Eve day alone.    I ended up working down at the church all day doing seven bank reconciliations, 14 month end reports, 4 quarterly reports, paying bills, doing payroll, and creating an Excel form.  Still have payroll quarterlies to do but am feeling a need to take a day at home tomorrow, a lot of catching up to do from being gone Fri/Sat. 

I'm sorry people disappear on us and you're noticing it.  It's rough, I know.  I don't know why people don't think of widows.

[BSL]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

I spent Easter alone, I spent Christmas Eve day alone.    I ended up working down at the church all day doing seven bank reconciliations, 14 month end reports, 4 quarterly reports, paying bills, doing payroll, and creating an Excel form.  Still have payroll quarterlies to do but am feeling a need to take a day at home tomorrow, a lot of catching up to do from being gone Fri/Sat. 

I'm sorry people disappear on us and you're noticing it.  It's rough, I know.  I don't know why people don't think of widows.

I'm very sorry that you have to spend your holidays alone, KayC. Do you have kids or close family (I'm sorry if I have forgotten the answer if you previously told me)? We lose a little faith in humanity with this reality, but, I guess everyone is caught up in their own lives.

My boys came home for Easter which was so nice to be with them together. They are 23 and 25. It's always a mixed emotion, having them home again is great but it is also a poignant reminder that their mother is gone.

 

[KayC]

I'm glad you got to spend some time with your boys.  It's important for family to be together for these holidays, all the more so after we're widowed.

I tried reaching my daughter to no avail, and I went to my son's Fri/Sat but they spent Easter with his wife's family.

I had a scary thing happen when I went there. I took Arlie with me to my son's (won't again as his dog attacked him again).  We went on a 5.6 mile hike, it was uphill and as we went, the trail narrowed considerably.  We were walking along a precipice and it was straight down on one side, and got to a part where part of the trail was washed away.  I don't know how he did it, but Arlie somehow got turned around.  I was trying to help him get turned back around (he's huge) but he wasn't listening because he was in panic mode.  All of a sudden his back feet slipped on the precipice!  I don't know how I did it, but I reached out and got his hind end back up.  My son was behind me and it scared him to death.  He told me, next time, cut the dog loose.  I said, "Not happening!  He is my baby, I could never see him fall to his death or worse, injure himself and die suffering and alone, I couldn't do it."  My DIL said, "Better him than you."  I said, I don't feel that way.  I knew in that moment I'd die with my dog rather than go through the other scenario.  He is my little boy, I could not leave him there at the bottom of a sheer drop off, with internal injuries and broken bones, couldn't do it.  If we go down, we go down together, at least I'd be with him.

I don't know that anyone can understand but the people here.  

As to the attack, Arlie got a bite on his cheek/lip area and the Halti was making it worse so I've been putting Neosporin on it and giving him baby aspirin.  Going easy on his walks this week.

[yuyu]

Many thanks for your wonderful advises. And yes will keep on wearing it everyday.

[Sunflower2]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm glad you got to spend some time with your boys.  It's important for family to be together for these holidays, all the more so after we're widowed.

I tried reaching my daughter to no avail, and I went to my son's Fri/Sat but they spent Easter with his wife's family.

I had a scary thing happen when I went there. I took Arlie with me to my son's (won't again as his dog attacked him again).  We went on a 5.6 mile hike, it was uphill and as we went, the trail narrowed considerably.  We were walking along a precipice and it was straight down on one side, and got to a part where part of the trail was washed away.  I don't know how he did it, but Arlie somehow got turned around.  I was trying to help him get turned back around (he's huge) but he wasn't listening because he was in panic mode.  All of a sudden his back feet slipped on the precipice!  I don't know how I did it, but I reached out and got his hind end back up.  My son was behind me and it scared him to death.  He told me, next time, cut the dog loose.  I said, "Not happening!  He is my baby, I could never see him fall to his death or worse, injure himself and die suffering and alone, I couldn't do it."  My DIL said, "Better him than you."  I said, I don't feel that way.  I knew in that moment I'd die with my dog rather than go through the other scenario.  He is my little boy, I could not leave him there at the bottom of a sheer drop off, with internal injuries and broken bones, couldn't do it.  If we go down, we go down together, at least I'd be with him.

I don't know that anyone can understand but the people here.  

As to the attack, Arlie got a bite on his cheek/lip area and the Halti was making it worse so I've been putting Neosporin on it and giving him baby aspirin.  Going easy on his walks this week.

oh my that is traumatic!!!!  I would have done exactly what you did.  You did great doing the work on Easter Sunday.  I know there are many things you would have preferred but @KayC you created a purpose of giving. that is beautiful and healing.

 

[Azipod]

Others will always be quick to judge you for your actions.  However, I don't think there is a defined process for any of us to go through our grief.  Even within this group here, all of our grief journeys will be different, and some will be very different from others.   It sounds like you are doing what you need to do to "go through" (and not necessarily overcome or conquer) the grief.  You know yourself best and I wouldn't let others question your actions.   The truth of the matter is that it is YOU who is left to deal with this loss every single second, minute, and every hour of each day .... for the rest of your life.   It is a tall task to take on so don't be hard on yourself at all.   I don't have any suggestions on providing a tactful response to your family and relatives... but I hope you can find peace and comfort knowing that you know yourself best and what you need to do to carry on each day.

I am sorry for your loss and I remember reading about your story just days after my loss.  Stay strong and continue fighting through each day.  That's all we can do... for now.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Azipod said:

 I don't have any suggestions on providing a tactful response to your family and relatives

I think I would say something like, "I have learned to do what brings me comfort in my grief."

[Sunflower2]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

I think I would say something like, "I have learned to do what brings me comfort in my grief."

a great response.  I am planning on using it if needed!

[June]

On ‎3‎/‎28‎/‎2018 at 7:47 PM, yuyu said:

Guys,

I have a question. I know almost everyone here are married, what do you think I should do with my wedding ring? Still wearing it everyday. thanks

I still wear mine - always will.  

[Azipod]

33 minutes ago, June said:

I still wear mine - always will.  

Still wearing mine. But I have come to accept that one day, I will have to remove it in order to have new people come into my life.  I am of the younger age group, like you. I’ve thought about wearing the ring on a necklace as the next step.  I know one day I can get to the point where the ring is a ring... and that the love that I have for my wife is very deep in the heart and I would be able to take it off.  I don’t know when it will get to this point but it will happen, some day.  My guess is that it may happen somewhere between the 1-2 year period.

[yuyu]

Azipod,

Me too, I think we share the same feelings about the ring. have you began dating?

[Azipod]

11 hours ago, yuyu said:

Azipod,

Me too, I think we share the same feelings about the ring. have you began dating?

No, I am not ready for that.   But boy, I do feel lonely at times.  I missed not having someone out there who loves me, romantically.  The truth of the matter is that the pain from the grief hurts so much that I really don't care nor do I have any energy to love someone right now.   But again, I do feel lonely at times and missed having that special someone in my life.

I actually don't even know what to do when it comes time to date again.  Being in a younger age group, I don't even know how to bring up the topic that I am a widower.  Or does it even matter that I am one?  I don't have the slightest clue.    And even then, I can't even imagine having to balance a new relationship with the love I still have with my wife.   I don't know.  Perhaps I can't see how any of this stuff will fall in place because I'm not ready.

It's almost like I need baby steps. .... perhaps a "casual" relationship that is not too serious before getting into a serious committed relationship.   Well, as you can tell, I have no idea what I'm talking about.   So yeah,  not ready here.  

What about you?

[KayC]

Autocharge's thread is a good one to read if you want to know what it's like to have someone else in your life at the same time as you still love your wife.  You'll always love your wife, that will never go away.

Perhaps start with just being friends with someone, someone to do things with, spend time with, try not to worry about romance, love, etc., just enjoy time with someone.

[yuyu]

Azipod,

The same, that's exactly how I feel. There is always fear that there is no one out there that can hold my heart. That is why instead of moving forward by myself, I just stand still in and wait for someone to pick me up. I'm 33 and how old are you bro?

[Sunflower2]

I understand the wanting of a relationship!  The loneliness!  The missing of that shared connection on so many levels.  My initial connection with Wayne was starting off as having someone to casually do things with.  A friend.  That friendship grew and carried us through 35 years of being involved together.  My best friend.  My soulmate.  A person I trusted completely.   This is exactly how I would start a new beginning again!   Even at 69!!!! I wouldn't overthink.  If its that connecting energy you will know all you need to say and when it needs to be said. You will know.    Even with our broken hearts we will know.

[KayC]

I have several male friends, but nothing more than that, I haven't met anyone even close to considering for more.  George is a hard act to follow!

[BSL]

On 4/6/2018 at 11:27 AM, KayC said:

I have several male friends, but nothing more than that, I haven't met anyone even close to considering for more.  George is a hard act to follow!

KayC, do you feel that you aren't open to the idea of a relationship beyond friendship or does the comparisons to your George play a role. I don't see myself being single forever but, the idea both scares me and makes me want to cry. Even the thought of it feels like I'm moving on from my wife.

Bill

[KayC]

I tried...twice, that was enough.  I haven't met anyone worth considering and am not interested in settling.  When George and I married it was because I couldn't imagine living without him!  I haven't felt that way about anyone else...ever.  And I think that's (for me) the only good reason to marry.  That and the more time that passes, the harder it would be I think.  I've lived on my own almost 13 years now.  But if I could have George back, there'd not be a hesitation!  We were so perfect for each other, from the day we met it was apparent how we clicked!

[Skywise]

As far as I'm concerned, I'm still married to Clive (and always will be) so I wear my wedding and engagement rings with the same love and pride as I have done since the day he first put each one of them on my finger.   As for his wedding ring, I wear that on a chain around my neck.  I haven't taken it off  since I put it on the day he died - it's the only piece of jewellery I need.

A couple of people have told me that they think it's a bit morbid to wear his ring, that it's not healthy for me to cling to his possessions so tightly, but it brings me comfort, so who cares what anyone else thinks. 

 

[Stonesie]

On 3/20/2018 at 2:37 AM, LoveGoli said:

Nothing wrong or right in this journey. Do whatever makes you happy or at least fine. When we cry , we are alone , no body there to console us or be with us so I don't care about anyone now so do what you want to do and don't care about anyone. Its just my thoughts. 

This advice is resonating with me right at this moment.  Thank you for this.

[KayC]

True, there is no right or wrong about this, only what's right for us.  People can understand...or not. 

[Lisaislost]

I was always the person who cared too much about what other people thought. Material things meant a lot to me. I hate to admit it but its true. I have now come to understand that those things are not important. Since my husband passed, material things mean nothing to me, only the things he gave me.

I don't care what people think.  My husband would wear slippers to the grocery store and I was mortified... I wish I could see him in those slippers again.

[KavitaHubby]

On 4/10/2018 at 9:59 AM, Lisaislost said:

My husband would wear slippers to the grocery store 

Hi 

Your statement brought smile on my face as I use to do that she would be commenting how can i do this kind of stuf.. 

I agree with everyone give yourself time and if you feel like dating then try it. Imp question is how to know we are ready.

 

Peace 

Manoj

[Lisaislost]

I think it’s like everything else, if you have ask, then you’re not ready. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, KavitaHubby said:

if you feel like dating then try it. Imp question is how to know we are ready.

I guess if you're feeling inclined to, desiring to.  I don't desire to.  I hate dating, never did like it.  I liked being in a relationship when it was good, but I think the only truly good one was George.  I had some that seemed good for a while, never lasted, only my relationship with George.  It was amazing!  

I do have a couple of male friends I enjoy a lunch with now and then, but not interested in anything more, just someone to have conversation with, enjoy company with, that's it.

[BSL]

I'm realizing, that, for myself, there are two aspects to the "relationship question". One is will I and if so, when will I date (the aspect of having a new relationship) and the other is just the desire to have a social life again, with people in general, or companionship. I feel like a hermit sometimes, on a Sat or Sun night, alone with my thoughts which invariably turn to my wife, and there is a pull to go out and see people, yet, after considering it, being alone seems better.

B

 

 

[LoveGoli]

On 3/29/2018 at 6:17 AM, yuyu said:

Guys,

I have a question. I know almost everyone here are married, what do you think I should do with my wedding ring? Still wearing it everyday. thanks

I am still wearing that everyday and i feel close to him so its your choice only. 

[LoveGoli]

On 4/5/2018 at 9:55 AM, Azipod said:

No, I am not ready for that.   But boy, I do feel lonely at times.  I missed not having someone out there who loves me, romantically.  The truth of the matter is that the pain from the grief hurts so much that I really don't care nor do I have any energy to love someone right now.   But again, I do feel lonely at times and missed having that special someone in my life.

I actually don't even know what to do when it comes time to date again.  Being in a younger age group, I don't even know how to bring up the topic that I am a widower.  Or does it even matter that I am one?  I don't have the slightest clue.    And even then, I can't even imagine having to balance a new relationship with the love I still have with my wife.   I don't know.  Perhaps I can't see how any of this stuff will fall in place because I'm not ready.

It's almost like I need baby steps. .... perhaps a "casual" relationship that is not too serious before getting into a serious committed relationship.   Well, as you can tell, I have no idea what I'm talking about.   So yeah,  not ready here.  

What about you?

So true that being in young group is so hard to tell people that we lost our partner. People at my age getting married now and here I am, a young widow (can't even accept that word). I liked this dating discussion you and yuyu having because we all are in same page, same time period so I would love to hear about your experiences.

[LoveGoli]

On 4/5/2018 at 8:55 PM, yuyu said:

Azipod,

The same, that's exactly how I feel. There is always fear that there is no one out there that can hold my heart. That is why instead of moving forward by myself, I just stand still in and wait for someone to pick me up. I'm 33 and how old are you bro?

Did you find someone or maybe attracted to someone.

 

[Cucciola]

5 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

So true that being in young group is so hard to tell people that we lost our partner. People at my age getting married now and here I am, a young widow (can't even accept that word). 

I feel the same, I don't even know how to tell that my partner has passed to new people I meet. I just freeze. It is unreal at 34, for him to die. How do you even express those words.

 

 

[yuyu]

Hi LoveGoli,

Nope I haven't find that one yet nor I'm searching it. My friends and relatives are trying to introduce me to new girls and first thing that I always say is I'm widowed and lonely then the next day they disappear, I become so bitter in life that I don't think of my future anymore. Everyday is a struggle.

 

[LoveGoli]

1 hour ago, yuyu said:

Hi LoveGoli,

Nope I haven't find that one yet nor I'm searching it. My friends and relatives are trying to introduce me to new girls and first thing that I always say is I'm widowed and lonely then the next day they disappear, I become so bitter in life that I don't think of my future anymore. Everyday is a struggle.

 

Gladly my family not introducing anyone to me , they giving me my time but yes one day they will. I don't go anywhere except my office so everyone know there my status but when people talk about spouses and marriages I feel uncomfortable. I was one of them before but now this topic makes me uncomfortable, sometimes people make fun of their spouses or marriage in jokey way but still those jokes hurt me and I feel alien their. 

[LoveGoli]

2 hours ago, Cucciola said:

I feel the same, I don't even know how to tell that my partner has passed to new people I meet. I just freeze. It is unreal at 34, for him to die. How do you even express those words.

 

 

I am 30 now and I was 29 when I lost him , my college mates getting married now and some of them not married yet and I saw disaster in this short age.

[Cucciola]

5 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I am 30 now and I was 29 when I lost him , my college mates getting married now and some of them not married yet and I saw disaster in this short age.

It is all unreal. All our friends are now starting having kids, just like we planned doing this year.

Their joy burn so much in my heart.